68:
	Do me now and I'll owe you one.
%
71:
	69 with two fingers up your ass.
		-- George Carlin
%
A clitoris is a lot like Antarctica:
	most men know it's there, but few really care.
%
A.A.A.A.A.:
	An organization for drunks who drive.
%
Achilles' Biological Findings:
        (1) If a child looks like his father, that's heredity.  If he
            looks like a neighbor, that's environment.
        (2) A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first
            -- the chicken or the egg.  It was undoubtedly the
            rooster.
%
Adam's Law:
	(1)  Women don't know what they want;
	     they don't like what they have got.
	(2)  Men know very well what they want;
	     having got it, they begin to lose interest.
%
Adolescence, n.:
	The stage between puberty and adultery.
%
Adultery:
	Putting yourself in someone else's position.
%
ambition, n:
	An ant crawling up an elephant's leg with rape on his mind.
%
anxiety, n:
	The first time you can't do it a second time.

panic, n:
	The second time you can't do it the first time.
%
Appointment book:
	The reference of last resort when trying to duck undesired
	invitations ("Gee, the soonest I can pencil you in is
	December, 2004"), or when trying to figure out what the hell
	it was you did during the past year.
%
Arkansas:
	Where the men are men, so are the women and the sheep run scared.
%
Ass:
	The masculine of "lass".
%
Bacchus, n.:
	A convenient deity invented by the ancients as an excuse for
	getting drunk.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Balls' Law:
	The angle of the dangle is directly proportional to the heat
	of the meat provided that the thrusts of the busts are constant.
%
Baltimore, n.:
	Where the women wear turtleneck sweaters to hide their flea collars.
%
Baltimore:
	A wharf-rat stealing Diogenes' lamp.
%
beef stroganoff, n:
	A bull masturbating.
%
"Better late than never!":
	The single girl's motto.
%
bi, n:
	When *everybody* thinks you're a pervert.
%
Big Toe:
The pad of the male big toe applied to the clitoris or the vulva
generally is a magnificent erotic instrument.  The famous gentleman in erotic
prints who is keeping six women occupied is using tongue, penis, both hands,
and both big toes.  Use the toe in mammary or armpit intercourse or any time
you are astride her, or sit facing as she lies or sits.  Make sure the nail
isn't sharp.  In a restuarant, in these days of tights one can surreptitiously
remove a shoe and sock, reach over, and keep her in almost continuous orgasm
with all four hands fully in view on the table top and no sign of contact--
A party trick which really rates as advanced sex.  She has less scope, but
can learn to masturbate him with her two big toes.  The toes are definitely
erogenic areas, and can be kissed, sucked, tickled, or tied with stimulating
results.
		-- The Joy of Sex
		[Avoid armpit intercourse when razor stubble is present. Ed.]
%
BOHICA:
	Bend over, here it comes again.
%
Bondage:
Bondage, or as the French call it, ligottage, is the gentle art of tying up
your sex partner --- not to overcome reluctance but to boost orgasm.  It's
one unscheduled sex technique which a lot of people find extremely exciting
but are scared to try, and a venerable human resource for increasing sexual
feeling, partly because it's a harmless expression of sexual aggression --
something we badly need, our culture being very uptight about it -- and more
because of its physical affects: slow orgasm when unable to move is a
mind-blowing experience for anyone not too frightened of their own aggressive
self to try it.
		-- The Joy of Sex
%
Boston, n.:
	Ludwig van Beethoven being jeered by 50,000 sports fans for
	finishing second in the Irish jig competition.
%
Boston:
	An outdoor Betty Ford Clinic.
%
British Israelites:
	The British Israelites believe the white Anglo-Saxons of Britain to
be descended from the ten lost tribes of Israel deported by Sargon of Assyria
on the fall of Sumeria in 721 B.C. ... They further believe that the future
can be foretold by the measurements of the Great Pyramid, which probably
means it will be big and yellow and in the hand of the Arabs.  They also
believe that if you sleep with your head under the pillow a fairy will come
and take all your teeth.
		-- Mike Harding, "The Armchair Anarchist's Almanac"
%
Brontosaurus Principle:
	Organizations can grow faster than their brains can manage them
	in relation to their environment and to their own physiology:  when
	this occurs, they are an endangered species.
		-- Thomas K. Connellan
%
brunette bush, n:
	The dark side of the moon.
%
cad, n.:
	A man who doesn't tell his wife
	that he's sterile until she's pregnant.
%
California:
	From Latin 'calor', meaning "heat" (as in English 'calorie' or
	Spanish 'caliente'); and 'fornia', for "sexual intercourse" or
	"fornication." Hence:  Tierra de California, "the land of hot sex."
		-- Ed Moran, Covina, California
%
callgirl, n:
	A negotiable blonde.
%
Camille's Axiom:
	If you haven't asked yourself, "Why the hell did
	I go to college anyway?", you must be teaching.
%
Chastity belt:
	An anti-trust suit.

	(And an unchivalrous knight is the one that files it.)
%
Chastity:
	The most unnatural of the sexual perversions.
		-- Aldous Huxley
%
Chicago, n.:
	Where the dead still vote ... early and often!
%
Christ:
	A man who was born at least 5,000 years ahead of his time.
%
Christian, n.:
	One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired
	book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor.  One who
	follows the teachings of Christ in so far as they are not inconsistent
	with a life of sin.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Christmas:
	A time when each of us gets to reflect upon what we each most
	deeply and sincerely believe in.  Money.  At the mall of our choice.
%
cigarette, n.:
	A fire at one end, a fool at the other, and a bit of tobacco in between.
%
Cinderella 10:
	A woman who sucks and fucks 'til midnight and
	then turns into a pizza and a six-pack.
%
Clarke's Third Law:
	Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.

G's Third Law:
	In spite of all evidence to the contrary, the entire universe
	is composed of only two basic substances: magic and bullshit.

H's Dictum:
	There is no magic ...
%
Cleveland:
	Where their last tornado did six million dollars worth of improvements.
%
clitoris, n:
	A haired trigger.
%
Cocaine:
	The thinking man's Dristan.
%
cock-sucker, n:
	Someone who got caught doing what you got away with.
%
coitus interruptus, n:
	A jerky movement following the words (by either sex partner)
	"I want to have your child."
%
cold, adj.:
	When the local flashers are handing out written descriptions.
%
cold, adj:
	When your dog sticks to the fire hydrant.
%
Colorado:
	Where they don't buy M & M's, 'cause they're so hard to peel.
%
computerfirm nymphomaniac, n:
	Hot Apple pie.
%
confusion, n:
	Father's Day in San Francisco.
%
confusion:
	One woman plus one left turn.
excitement:
	Two women plus one secret.
bedlam:
	Three women plus one bargain.
chaos:
	Four women plus one luncheon check.
%
Conservative, n.:
	One who admires radicals centuries after they're dead.
		-- Leo C. Rosten
%
Conservative, n:
	A statesman who is enamored of existing evils, as distinguished
	from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
continental breakfast, n:
	A roll in bed with some honey.
%
Coors, n:
	Like making love in a canoe -- fucking close to water.
%
Corrupt, adj.:
	In politics, holding an office of trust or profit.
%
courage, n:
	Two cannibals having oral sex.
%
Cox's philosophy:
	Life's a bitch, then you die.
%
coyote love, n:
	Coyote love is a nebulous term.  Basically, what it involves is
	the taking of a member of the preferred sex home from a singles
	bar.  Then, when you wake up the next morning, they're sleeping
	on your arm.  So, rather than wake them up as you escape, you
	chew off your arm at the shoulder.

coyote ugly, adj:
	When you chew off the other arm 'cause she'll be looking for
	a one-armed man!

See also proof that average instantaneous beauty increases monotonically
as alcohol consumption increases and time, t, approaches last call.
%
crew, n:
	Eight big men and their cute little cox.
%
Crinklaw's Observation:
	Nowadays the order of life is reversed: Sex is first enjoyed,
	marriage follows, and after marriage comes abstinence.
%
Dallas:
	The city that chose Astroturf to keep the cheerleaders from grazing.
%
Democracy, n.:
	A government of the masses.  Authority derived through mass meeting
	or any other form of direct expression.  Results in mobocracy.
	Attitude toward property is communistic... negating property rights.
	Attitude toward law is that the will of the majority shall regulate,
	whether it is based upon deliberation or governed by passion,
	prejudice, and impulse, without restraint or regard to consequences.
	Result is demagogism, license, agitation, discontent, anarchy.
		-- U. S. Army Training Manual No. 2000-25 (1928-1932),
		   since withdrawn.
%
Democracy, n:
	In which you say what you like and do what you're told.
		-- Gerald Barry

The difference between a Democracy and a Dictatorship is that in a
Democracy you vote first and take orders later; in a Dictatorship
you don't have to waste your time voting.
		-- Charles Bukowski
%
diaphragm, n:
	A childproof cap.
%
dicker, v:
	What you do to your wife if arguing doesn't work.
%
Disclaimer of the Week:
	Any Society Which Requires Disclaimers Has Too Many Goddamn Lawyers.
%
dyke, n:
	A woman who kick-starts her vibrator.  And rolls her own tampons.
%
Elliptical, n.:
	The feel of a kiss.
%
embarrassment, n.:
	Finding out your German Shepherd has the clap.
%
Erogenous zone, n.:
	The skin you touch to love.
%
eternity, n.:
	The length of time between when you come and he leaves.
%
exotic dancer, n.:
	A girl who brings home the bacon a strip at a time.
%
Faith, n:
	That quality which enables us to believe what we know to be untrue.
%
Fear, n.:
	What you feel when you see a U-Haul with Texas license plates.
%
felt tip, v.:
	Past tense for a breast examination!
%
Female rabbits:
	The gift that just "keeps on giving."
%
female, n.:
	Life support system for a pussy.
%
Feminism, n.:
	A political position which seeks to rebuild society so that
	both men and women are treated as women wish to be treated.
%
First Corollary of Taber's Second Law:
	Machines that piss people off get murdered.
		-- Pat Taber
%
First Law of Bicycling:
	No matter which way you ride, it's uphill and against the wind.
%
Flirt, n.:
	A girl whose favorite man is the next one.
%
fornication, n.:
	Term used by people who don't have anybody to screw with.
%
FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #5
	Don't wear your spurs while making love in a waterbed.
%
FORTUNE'S RULES TO LIVE BY: #8
	Don't wear your high heels while making love on the pool table.
%
Frisbeetarianism, n.:
	The belief that when you die, your soul goes up the on roof and
	gets stuck.
%
fuck-me-pumps, n.:
	Stiletto heels of a certain length, usually black patent leather.
The proper designation is "throw-me-down-and-fuck-me" pumps.  Shoes with
heels just high enough to let the frayed tip of a bullwhip trail around
them properly.
%
fuckoff, n.:
	The tie breaker at the Miss America Beauty Pageant.
%
garter, n.:
	An elastic band intended to keep a woman
	from coming out of her stockings and desolating the country.
%
gay, adj.:
	Of a man, one who'd rather swish than fight.
%
Georgia:
	Where kinky sex means getting laid.
%
Glee Club groupie, n.:
	A girl into choral sex.
%
God:
	Darwin's chief rival.
%
Goldfish:
Two naked people tied and put on a mattress together to make love
"fish fashion" (ie: no hands).  Originally a nineteenth-century bordel joke.
It can be done (if you are the victims, try on your sides from behind).
Venerable party game, but don't play it with strangers, or leave players
unsupervised, even briefly.  There was a nice spoof on this sex stunt in
the movie "Soldier Blue".  A good many women can get an orgasm from this
simply by struggling, especially if you put them in front of a mirror.
Don't both tie yourselves, even if you can manage it -- you might not be
able to get loose.
		-- The Joy of Sex
%
good scout, n.:
	Someone who knows the lay of the land and will take you to her.
%
Gourmet, n.:
	Anyone whom, when you fail to finish something strange or
	revolting, remarks that it's an acquired taste and that you're
	leaving the best part.
%
great lover, n.:
	A man who can breathe through his ears.
%
Gross, adj.:
	When your bloody mary still has the string in it.
%
Gross, adj.:
	When your grandmother kisses you goodnight and slips you some tongue.
%
Gynecologist, n.:
	Someone who spends their time spreading old wives' tails.
%
Haggis, n.:
	Haggis is a kind of stuff black pudding eaten by the Scots and
	considered by them to be not only a delicacy but fit for human
	consumption.  The minced heart, liver and lungs of a sheep, calf or
	other animal's inner organs are mixed with oatmeal, sealed and boiled
	in maw in the sheep's intestinal stomach-bag and ... Excuse me a minute
	...
%
Hall's Laws of Politics:
	(1) The voters want fewer taxes and more spending.
	(2) Citizens want honest politicians until they want
	    something fixed.
	(3) Constituency drives out consistency (i.e., liberals defend
	    military spending, and conservatives social spending in
	    their own districts).
%
Handel's Proverb:
	You can't produce a baby in one month by impregnating 9 women!
%
Handy hint:
	A tea bag or two can be a dandy substitute when you're out of tampons.
%
happiness, n.:
	Finding the owner of a lost bikini.
%
happiness, n.:
	Having your Herpes (Type II) test come back negative.
%
Hartley's Second Law:
	Never sleep with anyone crazier than yourself.

My corollary:
	The completely psychotic have all the fun.
%
Harvard Law:
	Under the most rigorously controlled conditions of pressure,
	temperature, volume, humidity, and other variables, the
	organism will do as it damn well pleases.
%
hell, n.:
	Truth seen too late.
%
henpecked husband, n.:
	One who's afraid to tell his pregnant wife that he's sterile.
%
hermit, n.:
	A man who'd rather get off by himself.
%
herpes, n.:
	The final proof that 'tis better to give than to receive.
	Much better.
%
high technology, n.:
	A California innovation composed of equal parts of silicon and
	marijuana.
%
honor, n.:
	Almost as good as in 'er.
%
horny, adj.:
	When your cock gets hard if the wind blows.
%
hypocrite, n.:
	A man who says he likes cats, but won't eat pussy.
%
Impossible, adj.:
	(1) I wouldn't like it and when it happens I won't approve;
	(2) I can't be bothered; (3) God can't be bothered.  Meaning (3) may
	perhaps be valid but the others are 101% whaledreck.
		-- Chad C. Mulligan, "The Hipcrime Vocab"
%
impotent loser, n.:
	Someone who can't even get his hopes up.
%
Incest, n:
	Sibling revelry; a sport the whole family can enjoy.
%
Infatuation, n:
	When you're in love, there's a lump in your throat.
	When you're infatuated, there's a lump in your pants.
%
Infidel:
	In New York, one who does not believe in the Christian religion;
	in Constantinople, one who does.
		-- Ambrose Bierce
%
innunendo, n.:
	Italian enema.
%
irony, n.:
	A windy day, when, just as a beautiful girl with
	a short skirt approaches, dust blows in your eyes.
%
Japan, n:
	A fictional place where elves, gnomes and economic imperialists
	create electronic equipment and computers using black magic.  It
	is said that in the capital city of Akihabara, the streets are
	paved with gold and semiconductor chips grow on low bushes from
	which they are harvested by the happy natives.
%
Johnny Carson's Observation on Geriatrics:
	Sex in the sixties is great, but it improves if you pull
	over to the side of the road.
%
Kansas:
	Where the men are men and so are the women!
%
Kasha, n.:
	Kasha is always defined as "buckwheat groats".  There's only
	one problem with this definition: what the fuck are "buckwheat
	groats"?  *_I* know what they are -- they're kasha.  But that doesn't
	help *___you* much.
		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
%
Kerr's Three Rules for a Successful College:
	Have plenty of football for the alumni, sex
	for the students, and parking for the faculty.
%
Kleptomaniac, n.:
	A rich thief.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Knowledge Engineering:

A combination of:

Engineering, n.:
	The application of science and mathematics by which the properties
of matter and the sources of energy in nature are made useful to man in
structures, machines, products, systems and processes.

and

Knowledge, n.:
	Sexual intercourse.

See also: Prostitution, Grantsmanship.
%
Kotex, n.:
	Not the best thing on earth, but next to the best.
%
Kumquat, n.:
	Any of several small citrus fruits with sweet spongy rind and
	somewhat acidic pulp that are used chiefly for preserves.
	Extremely popular in some forms of sexual intercourse.  In fact,
	an early indication that your partner is willing to experiment
	sexually may be a rather insistent moaning of "kumquat, kumquat"
	during orgasm.

	Note: this is *not* to be confused with a warning from your
	partner that his/her parents are upstairs and probably awake.
%
LA:
	Where the only way to determine that the seasons have changed
	is to note that people have changed the main topic of conversation.
	From mud slides to brush fires.
%
Labia majora, n.:
	The curly gates.
%
lagnaf, n.:
	Let's All Get Naked And Fuck!
%
Law of Probable Dispersal:
	Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
%
Law of the Yukon:
	Only the lead dog gets a change of scenery.
%
lawyer, n.:
	Someone who can get a sodomy charge changed to "following too
	closely."
%
lazy, adj.:
	Marrying a pregnant woman.
%
Lesbian QOTD:
	I didn't give up sex, I just gave up premature ejaculation.
%
liberal, n.:
	Someone too poor to be a capitalist and too rich to be a communist.
%
Life is like a penis:
	when it's soft you can't beat it, and when it's hard you get fucked.
%
Little death (la petite mort):
Some women do indeed pass right out, the 'little death' of French
poetry.  Men occasionally do the same.  The experience is not
unpleasant, but it can scare an inexperienced partner cold.  A friend
of ours had this happen with the first girl he ever slept with.  On
recovery she explained, "I am awfully sorry, but I always do that." By
then he had called the police and an ambulance.  So there is no cause
for alarm, any more than over the yells, convulsions, hysterical
laughter, or sobbing, or any of the other quite unexpected reactions
that go along with complete orgasm in some people.  By contrast others
simply shut their eyes, but enjoy it no less.  Sound and fury can be a
flattering testimony to a partners skills, but a fallacious one,
because they don't depend on the intensity of feeling, nor it upon them.
		-- The Joy of Sex
%
Little Known Facts, #23:
	Did you know... that if you dial 911 in Los Angeles you get
	the BMW repair garage?
%
Lucky, adj:
	When you have a wife and a cigarette lighter -- both of which work.
%
Luser, n.:
	Someone who picks up a female hitch-hiker walking home from a date.
%
macho, adj.:
	Jogging home from your vasectomy.
%
maiden aunt, n.:
	A girl who never had the sense to say "uncle."
%
Maiden, n.:
	A young person of the unfair sex addicted to clewless conduct and
	views that madden to crime.  The genus has a wide geographical
	distribution, being found wherever sought and deplored wherever found.
	The maiden is not altogether unpleasing to the eye, nor (without her
	piano and her views) insupportable to the ear, though in respect to
	comeliness distinctly inferior to the rainbow, and, with regard to
	the part of her that is audible, beaten out of the field by the
	canary -- which, also, is more portable.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Male, n.:
	Life support system for a cock.
%
Man, n.:
	An animal so lost in rapturous contemplation of what he thinks
	he is as to overlook what he indubitably ought to be.  His chief
	occupation is extermination of other animals and his own species,
	which, however, multiplies with such insistent rapidity as to infest
	the whole habitable earth and Canada.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
man-hour, n.:
	A sexist, obsolete measure of macho effort, equal to 60 Kiplings.
%
manager, n.:
	A man known for giving great meeting.
%
masturbation, n.:
	A self-service elevator.
%
masturbation, n.:
	Coming unscrewed.
%
menage a trois, n.:
	Using both hands to masturbate.
%
Meteorologist, n.:
	A man who can look in a woman's eyes and predict whether.
%
Miss, n.:
	A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that
	they are in the market.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Missionary Position:
	The missionary on top.
%
Mistress, n.:
	Something between a mister and a mattress.
%
Mom's Law:
	When they finally do have to take you to the hospital, your underwear
	won't be clean or new.
%
Monday, n.:
	In Christian countries, the day after the baseball game.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
monotony, n.:
	Marriage to one woman at a time.
%
Montana:
	A grizzly bear praying for the early arrival of cable television.
%
Montana:
	Where forty-three below keeps out the riff-raff.
%
Montana:
	Where men are men and women are sheep.
%
mosquito, n.:
	The state bird of New Jersey.
%
mother:
	Half a word.
%
Motto of the Electrical Engineer:
	Working computer hardware is a lot like an erect penis:
	it stays up as long as you don't fuck with it.
%
Murphy's Discovery:
	Do you know Presidents talk to the country the way men talk to women?
	They say, "Trust me, go all the way with me, and everything will be
	all right."  And what happens?  Nine months later, you're in trouble!
%
Murray's Rule:
	Any country with "democratic" in the title isn't.
%
mythology, n.:
	The body of a primitive people's beliefs, concerning its origin,
	early history, heroes, deities and so forth, as distinguished
	from the true accounts which it invents later.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Naeser's Law:
	You can make it foolproof, but you can't make it damnfoolproof.
%
navel, n.:
	A place to stash your gum on the way down.
%
necrophelia, n.:
	Dead boring.

incest, n.:
	Relatively boring.
%
necrophilia, n.:
	Dropping in for a cold one.
%
New release:
	Abortions are becoming so popular in some countries that the waiting
	time to get one is lengthening rapidly. Experts predict that at this
	rate there will soon be an up to a one year wait.
%
New York:
	Where men are men, sheep enjoy it, and lepers laugh their heads off.
%
Noncombatant, n.:
	A dead Quaker.
		-- Ambrose Bierce
%
nothing, adj.:
	A man with an erection who walks into a wall and breaks his nose.
%
O'Riordan's Theorem:
	Brains x Beauty = Constant.

Purmal's Corollary:
	As the limit of (Brains x Beauty) goes to infinity,
	availability goes to zero.
%
Occident, n.:
	The part of the world lying west (or east) of the Orient.  It
	is largely inhabited by Christians, powerful sub-tribe of the
	Hypocrites, whose principal industries are murder and cheating, which
	they are pleased to call "war" and "commerce."  These, also, are the
	principal industries of the Orient.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Ocean, n.:
	A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for
	man -- who has no gills.
%
On Brassieres:
        Russian:        Uplifts the masses.
        Salvation Army: Raises the fallen.
        American:       Makes mountains out of molehills.
%
optimist, n.:
	A man who makes a motel reservation before a blind date.
%
optimist, n.:
	Someone who goes down to the marriage
	bureau to see if his license has expired.
%
oral contraceptive, n.:
	The word "No".
%
oral sex, n.:
	The taste of things to come.
%
Oregon, n.:
	Eighty billion gallons of water with no place to go on Saturday night.
%
Overheard:
	"How do I feel?  Great!  And I kiss pretty good, too!"
%
pain, n.:
	Falling out of a twenty story building,
	and snagging your eyelid on a nail.
%
pain, n.:
	Sliding down a 50-foot razor blade into a bucket of alcohol.
%
Parker's Law:
	Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.
%
Password:
%
Peeping Tom:
	A window fan.
%
penis envy, n.:
	The desire to be pink and wrinkled and about four inches long.
%
perfect woman, n.:
	Four feet tall, no teeth and a flat head so you can rest
	your drink.

	[Pistol-grip ears?  Ed.]
%
philadelphia flying fuck, n.:
	Okay, see, he hangs from a chin-up bar with his feet on the arms
	of the rocking chair.  She crouches in the rocking chair pleasuring
	him orally.

	[Note: Personally, we've never tried this.  If you have, or if
	you do, please inform us of the results at Fortune, Box 1597,
	Rockville IL.  Thank you.  Ed.]
%
Pig, n.:
	An animal (Porcus omnivorous) closely allied to the human race
	by the splendor and vivacity of its appetite, which, however, is
	inferior in scope, for it balks at pig.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
pile driver, n.:
	Local drink; two parts vodka, one part prune juice.
%
Planned Parenthood:
	The emission Control Center.
%
platonic friendship, n.:
	What develops when two people get tired of making love to each other.
%
pocket pool, n.:
	Well, for guys, it's two-ball in the side pocket.
	For women, it's playing the slots.
%
polish fly, n.:
	You put it in her drink and she begs you to take her bowling.
%
Politician, n.:
	An eel in the fundamental mud upon which the superstructure of
	organized society is reared.  When he wriggles, he mistakes the
	agitation of his tail for the trembling of the edifice.  As compared
	with the statesman, he suffers the disadvantage of being alive.
		-- Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
%
Politician, n.:
	From the Greek "poly" ("many") and the French "tete" ("head" or
	"face," as in "tete-a-tete:" head to head or face to face).  Hence
	"polytetien," a person of two or more faces.
		-- Martin Pitt
%
Pompoir:

The most sought-after feminine sexual response of all.

'She must... close and constrict the Yoni until it holds the Lingam as with
a finger, opening and shutting at her pleasure, and finally acting as the
hand of the Gopala-girl who milks the cow.  This can be learned only by long
practice, and especially by throwing the will into the part affected, even
as men endeavor to sharpen their hearing...  Her husband will then value her
above all other women, nor would he exchange her for the most beautiful
queen in the Three Worlds...  Among some races the constrictor vaginae muscles
are abnormally developed.  In Abyssinia for instance, a woman can so exert
them as to cause pain to a man, and when sitting on his thighs, she can
induce orgasm without moving any other part of her person.  Such an artist
is called by the Arabs Kabbazah, literally, a holder, and it's not surprising
that slave dealers pay large sums for her'  Thus Richard Burton.  It has
nothing to do with 'race' but a lot to do with practice.  See exercises.
		-- The Joy of Sex
%
pray, n:
	To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled on behalf
	of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
		-- Ambrose Bierce
%
premature ejaculation, n.:
	A spoilspurt.
%
premature ejaculator, n.:
	Troubled shooter.
%
Premenstrual Syndrome:
	Just before their periods women behave the way men do all the time.
%
promotion from within:
	A system of moving incompetents up to the policy-making
	level where they can't foul up operations.
%
promotion, n.:
	New title, new salary, new office, same old crap.
%
psychologist, n.:
	Someone who watches everyone else when an attractive woman walks
	into a room.
%
pubic hair, n.:
	Organic dental floss.
%
Puritanism:
	the haunting fear that someone, somewhere, may be happy.
		-- H. L. Mencken, "A Book of Burlesques"
%
QOTD:
	"... was it a dream where you see yourself standing in sort-of
	Sun-God robes, on a pyramid, with a thousand naked women screaming
	and throwing little pickles at you?  ...  Why am I the only one
	who has that dream?"
%
QOTD:
	"Are you into casual sex, or should I dress up?"
%
QOTD:
	"He's a perfectionist.  If he married Raquel Welch, he'd expect
	her to cook."
%
QOTD:
	"He's so egotistical he yells his own name when he comes."
%
QOTD:
	"He's such a hick he doesn't even have a trapeze in his bedroom."
%
QOTD:
	"Her other car is a broom."
%
QOTD:
	"I don't give a flying fuck at a rolling doughnut."
%
QOTD:
	"I say, and without apology, hang the bitch."
%
QOTD:
	"I treat her like a throughbred, and she's STILL a nag!"
%
QOTD:
	"I used to beat off so much in the shower, I'd get a hard on every
	time it rained."
%
QOTD:
	"I want a home, a family, an occasional spanking ..."
		-- Kathy Ireland
%
QOTD:
	"I was a fifty-four-year-old virgin, but I'm all right now."
%
QOTD:
	"I'd crawl a mile over burning desert sand just to kiss the dick of
	the guy who screwed her last."
%
QOTD:
	"I'd drag my dick a mile over broken glass just to masturbate in
	her shadow!"
%
QOTD:
	"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten
	who gets tied up."
%
QOTD:
	"It's men like him that give the Y chromosome a bad name."
%
QOTD:
	"Let go of my ears, I know what I'm doing!"
%
QOTD:
	"Let's do it."
		-- Gary Gilmore
%
QOTD:
	"My ambition is to marry a rich woman who's too proud to let
	her husband work."
%
QOTD:
	"One day, I'd like to wake up in the morning to find that every gay
	and lesbian has lavender skin.  On that morning, I will be -- mauve."
%
QOTD:
	"She was so tough she rolled her own tampons."
%
QOTD:
	"The difference between dark and hard is... it stays dark
	all night."
%
QOTD:
	"The marines and I have something in common; we're both looking for
	a few good men!"
%
QOTD:
	"The only real difference between men and women is that men are
	crabby all month long."
%
QOTD:
	"To hell with patience, I'm gonna kill me something!"
%
QOTD:
	"Well, let's say she's friendly.  Last year she was the Herpes
	Poster Girl."
%
QOTD:
	"What would the world be like without men?  A lot of fat,
	happy women."
%
QOTD:
	"Whhoooooooeeeeeeeeeee, Elmer!  Take a look at that purty young lady
	over thar!  Why, I'd walk a mile barefoot over barbed wire and broken
	glass just to drive the truck that takes her panties to the cleaners!"
%
QOTD:
	"Whip me, beat me, come all over me, tell me you love me.
	Then get the fuck out."
%
QOTD:
	"You might as well say "yes", the sheets are messy already."
%
QOTD:
	I get girls because of who I am... a rapist.
%
QOTD:
	I met her [his fiance] over lunch on Thursday.  She had a firm
	grip.  He's a lucky man.
%
QOTD:
	I own my own body, but I share.
%
QOTD:
	I won't say he's unsavory, but for his birthday he bought himself
	a pair of velcro gloves.
%
QOTD:
	It *was* wonderfully polite of me.  Usually I call the kind of
	cretinous dipshit that pisses me off a ``fucking asshole.''
		-- Richard Sexton
%
QOTD:
	Men come in four sizes -- small, medium, large, and "You're
	going to put that thing *where*?"
%
QOTD:
	My penis is better than corn, because corn doesn't squeal when
	you stick those little prongs into it.
		-- Mark-Jason Dominus
%
QOTD:
	No, honey, I've never been circumcised; it's simply wear and tear.
%
QOTD:
	Sex is like everything else.  To get it done right, do it yourself.
%
QOTD:
	Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
%
QOTD:
	She began coming, making noises like a small animal in pain.
	Ouch!  Ow!  My paw!  Ouch!!
%
quickie, n.:
	A moment's piece.
%
quickie, n.:
	No sooner spread than done.
%
Radicalism:
	The conservatism of tomorrow injected into the affairs of today.
		-- Ambrose Bierce
%
randel, n.:
	A nonsensical poem recited by Irish schoolboys as an
	apology for farting at a friend.
		-- Mrs. Byrne's Dictionary of Unusual, Obscure &
		   Preposterous Words
%
real buddy, n.:
	Someone who'll go downtown and get two blowjobs, and come back
	and give you one.
%
real class, adj.:
	When you're by yourself, fart, and say "Excuse me."
%
Recursion n.:
	See Recursion.
		-- Random Shack Data Processing Dictionary
%
rejection, n.:
	When you're masturbating and your hand falls asleep.
%
Robot, n.:
	Someone who's been made by a scientist.
%
rodeo fuck, n.:
	When you lean down and whisper in your lover's ear, "Honey, you're
	the worst piece of ass I've ever had!".  And then try to stay on
	for seven seconds...
%
rugby, n.:
	A sport requiring leather balls.
%
rugby, n.:
	Elegant violence.

	(Rugby players eat their dead.)
	(Blood makes the grass grow!)
	(Support your local hooker!  Play rugby!)

	[A "hooker" is part of the scrum.  Thought you'd want to know.  Ed.]
%
sadism, n.:
	A sadist refusing to whip a masochist.
%
sadoequinecrophilia, n.:
	Beating a dead horse.
%
San Diego:
	Four million people, where you can't get a
	good cheeseburger, no matter how hard you try.
%
San Francisco, n.:
	Marcel Proust editing an issue of Penthouse.
%
San Francisco:
	A nice place to visit, but I wouldn't want to tie my shoelaces there.
%
schnuffel, n.:
	A dog's practice of continuously nuzzling in your crotch in mixed
	company.
		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
Schwiggle, n.:
	The amusing rotation of one's bottom while sharpening a pencil.
		-- Rich Hall, "Sniglets"
%
seminars, n.:
	From 'semi' and 'arse', hence, any half-assed discussion.
%
Sex:
	the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the
	most amount of trouble.
		-- John Barrymore
%
Showerbath:
Natural venue for sexual adventures -- wash together, make love
together: only convenient overhead point in most apartments or hotel rooms
to attach a partner's hands.  Don't pull down the fixture, however -- it
isn't weightbearing.  See Discipline.
		-- The Joy of Sex
%
small, adj.:
	Is it in yet?
%
socialism:
	You have two cows.  Give one to your neighbour.
communism:
	You have two cows.
	Give both to the government.  The government gives you milk.
capitalism:
	You have two cows. You sell one cow and buy a bull.
fascism:
	You have two cows.  Give milk to the government.
	The government sells it.
nazism:
	You have two cows.  The government shoots you and takes the cows.
New Dealism:
	You have two cows.  The government shoots one cow,
	milks the other, and pours the milk down the sink.
anarchism:
	You have two cows.  Keep them.  Steal another.  Shoot the government.
conservatism:
	You have two cows.  Freeze the milk.  Embalm the cows.
%
spinster, n.:
	A bachelor's wife.
%
spinster, n.:
	Unlusted number.
%
Stockmayer's Theorem:
	If it looks easy, it's tough.
	If it looks tough, it's damn well impossible.
%
strapless evening gown, n.:
	Bust truster.
%
stress, n.:
	The confusion created when one's mind overrides the body's
	desire to choke the living shit out of some asshole who
	desperately needs it.
%
subpoena, n:
	From the root "sub", below, and the Latin "poena" for male organ
	or penis.  Therefore, "below the penis" or "by the balls."
%
successful cunnilingus:
	When you wake up the next morning with a face like a frosted doughnut.
%
Sudden Death Dating:

Quote, female:
	Am I worried about taking his last name?  Forget it,
	at this point I'll take his first name, too.
%
swallow, v.:
	The (blew) bird of birth control.
%
T-shirt of the Day:
	Head for the Mountains
		-- courtesy Anheuser-Busch beer

Followup T-shirt of the Day (on the same scenic background):
	If you liked the mountains, head for the Busch!
		-- courtesy someone else
%
T-shirt of the Day:
	See Dick Drink...
	See Dick Drive...
	See Dick Die.
	DON'T BE A DICK.
%
T-shirt of the Week:
	I'm not excited, I'm cold!
%
tacky, adj.:
	Serving grape kool-aid at religious functions.
%
tear leather:
	To become excited, as in the sentence "Robin Hood tore
	his leather jerkin' off."
%
tearing off a quicky:
	Gunning the jump.
%
Texan:
	A wet-back that didn't make Oklahoma.
%
The 357.73 Theory:
	Auditors always reject expense accounts
	with a bottom line divisible by 5.
%
The First Commandment for Technicians:
	Beware the lightning that lurketh in the undischarged capacitor, lest
	it cause thee to bounce upon thy buttocks in a most untechnician-like
	manner.
%
The New Right:
	A javelin team that elects to receive.
%
THE THREE MOST COMMONLY-ASKED QUESTIONS AT DISNEYLAND:
	(1) Where's the bathroom?
	(2) What time does the parade start?
	(3) Do you sell anything without that damn mouse on it?
%
The three rules of international air travel:
	(1) Never fly on Aeroflot if you can possibly avoid it (this used
	    to be Braniff or Aeroflot).
	(2) Never bet a whole lot of money on two little pairs unless you
	    know *exactly* what you're doing.
	(3) Never sleep with anyone whose troubles are worse than your own.
%
The United States Army:
        194 years of proud service, unhampered by progress.
%
There's more than one way to skin a cat:
	Way number 15 -- Krazy Glue and a toothbrush.
%
There's more than one way to skin a cat:
	Way number 27 -- Use an electric sander.
%
There's more than one way to skin a cat:
	Way number 32 -- Wrap it around a lonely frat man's pecker.
%
thorny:
	A thailor at thea.
%
Thought:
	Girls get minks the same way minks get minks!
%
three-bag ugly, adj:
	That's when you put one bag over her head, one bag over your
	head in case her's falls off, and one over the dog's to keep
	it from howling.

four-bag ugly, adj:
	When you leave a bag by the door in case someone drops by.
%
Today's title:
	Creative Violence in Sexual Relationships
%
tourist, n.:
	A pretty girl in Oklahoma.
%
transvestite, n.:
	Someone who likes to eat, drink, and be Mary.
%
transvestite, n.:
	Someone who spends his junior year at college abroad.
%
"Trust me":
	Get me, give me, buy me, do me.
%
"Trust me":
	Los Angeles for "Fuck you, your mother, and the horse
	she rode in on."
%
trust, n.:
	Two cannibals having oral sex.
%
Unix, n.:
	A computer operating system, once thought to be flabby and
	impotent, that now shows a surprising interest in making off
	with the workstation harem.
%
vagina, n.:
	The box a penis comes in.
%
vaginal lubricant, n.:
	A slitty slicker.
%
VD, n.:
	The gift that keeps on giving.
%
Viennese Oyster:
Lady who can cross her feet behind her head, lying on her back, of course.
When she has done so, you hold her tightly round each instep
with your full hand and squeeze, lying on her full-length.  Don't try to put
an unsupple partner into this position --  it can't be achieved by brute force.
You can get a very similar sensation -- unique rocking pelvic movement -- with
less expertise if she crosses her ankles on her tummy, knees to shoulders, and
you lie on her crossed ankles with your full weight.  Why "Viennese" we don't
know.  Tolerable for short periods only but gives tremendous genital pressure
for both.
		-- The Joy of Sex
%
Virgin, n.:
	An ugly third grader.
%
Virginia:
	A group of beautifully mounted hunters galloping behind
	baying hounds in pursuit of a union organizer.
%
WASP, n.:
	Someone who gets out of the shower to take a piss.
%
Watership Down:
	You've read the book.  You've seen the movie.  Now eat the stew!
%
wet dream, n.:
	Overnight sensation.
%
Wethern's Law:
	Assumption is the mother of all screw-ups.
%
Why You Can't Run When There's Trouble in the Office:
	No matter where you stand, no matter how far or fast you flee,
	when it hits the fan, as much as possible will be propelled in your
	direction, and almost none will be returned to the source.
		-- John L.  Shelton
%
Woman is:
	finally screwing and your groin and buttocks and thighs ache like hell
	and you're all wet and maybe bloody and it wasn't like a Hollywood
	movie at all but Jesus at least you're not a virgin any more but is
	this what it's all about?  And meanwhile, he's asking "Did you come?"
		-- Robin Morgan, "Sisterhood Is Powerful"
%
woman, n.:
	An animal usually living in the vicinity of Man, and
	having a rudimentary susceptibility to domestication.
		-- Bierce
%
Zisla's Law:
	If you're asked to join a parade, don't march behind the elephants.
%
ignoranus, n.:
	A person who's both stupid and an asshole.
%
QFD:
	Quelle fucking drag.  "Jamie got stuck at Rome airport for
thirty-six hours and it was, like, totally QFD."
		-- Douglas Coupland, "Generation X: Tales for an Accelerated
		   Culture"