(1) If it doesn't smell like chili, it probably isn't.
 (2) If you catch an exploding manhole cover, you can keep it.
 (3) Cabs driving on the sidewalk are not permitted to pick up passengers.
 (4) It's bad manners to lie down inside someone else's chalk body outline.
 (5) Don't lick food from a stranger's beard.
 (6) Avoid paperwork for your next of kin by keeping dental records on you.
 (7) Jon Gotti Always has the right of way.
 (8) Yelling at cab drivers in English wastes your time and theirs.
 (9) Remember:  Regular hot dogs do not have fingernails.
(10) The city does not employ so called "Wallet Inspectors".
		-- David Letterman, "Top Ten New York City Pedestrian Tips"
%
A 6'8", 280-pound Southerner walked into a NY bar, sat down next to a
patron, and said, "Ah'm big, and ah'm bad, and I *loves* to fuck Northern
women!"  The guy was so terrified that he put down his beer and ran out
of the bar.
	The Rebel moved over to the next guy and said, "Ah'm big and ah'm
bad and I *loves* to fuck New York women."  The guy took one look at him,
blanched and ran out of the bar.
	The man then went over to a short little guy with "Bronx" written
all over him.  "Ah'm big and ah'm bad and I *loves* to fuck your sister."
	The short guy looked him up and down and said, "I don't blame
you one bit.  She's *got* to be an improvement on yours."
%
A fisherman from Maine went to Alabama on his vacation.  He rented a boat,
rowed out to the middle of the lake, and cast his line, but when he looked
down into the water he was horrified to see a man wrapped in chains lying
on the bottom of the lake.  He quickly rowed to shore and ran to the police
station.  "Sheriff, sheriff," he gasped, there's a guy wrapped in chains,
drowned in the lake!"
	"Now ain't that jest like a Yankee," drawled the sheriff, "to steal
more chain than he can swim with?"
%
A gourmet restaurant in Cincinnati is one where you leave the tray on
the table after you eat.
%
A lanky Texan was mad because Texas had just become the second largest state in
the Union, so he made up his mind to move to Alaska.  He drove for three days
and three nights to get there and finally he came to what looked like the state
line.  He halted his car and walked up to the border guard.  "Hi, there!  How
do I become a resident of this here biggest state?" demanded the Texan.
	The guard looked him up and down and grinned.  "Waal," he answered,
there are three things you gotta do to get in.  First, drink down a quart of
110 proof corn liquor without blinkin'.  Second, kill a grizzly bear, and
third, make love to an Eskimo woman."
	"Sounds easy enough," said the Texan.  "Where can I get a quart of
this here corn liquor?"
	"Got one right here," replied the guard.
	The Texan gulped down the whiskey without batting an eyelash.
"Now, do you happen to know where I can find me a grizzly?"
	"Yep," answered the guard, "there's a big b'ar over that way, 'bout
a mile... lives in a cave on that cliff."
	The Texan lurched merrily off.  About an hour later he returned
with his clothes almost torn off and his face scratched and bloody.  He was
smiling happily.  "Now," he roared, "where's that damn Eskimo woman you
want killed?"
%
A little Mexican boy comes home from school one day and says to his grand-
father, "Granddaddy, today my teacher said that Pancho Villa, the bandit
used to raid towns around here!  Did you ever know him?"
	"Do *I* know Pancho Villa?" exclaims the man.  "Why, boy, before
your father was born, I was riding into town on my horse.  Suddenly, from
behind the bushes leaped Pancho with his six-guns drawn!  He told me to get
down off the horse and to give him all my money.  Then, he told me to scoop
some manure from the ground and eat it!"
	"I refused at first, but Pancho had the guns, so I ate the shit.
And he started laughing so hard that it scared his horse into rearing up --
I grabbed the guns from his hands!  I said to Pancho, `Okay, Pancho, now
it's your turn -- you eat the shit!'  I had the guns, so he ate the shit.
	"And you ask me, child, if I know Pancho Villa, the bandit!  Why,
we had *lunch* together!"
%
	A man enters a pet shop, seeking to purchase a parrot.  He points
to a fine colorful bird and asks how much it costs.
	When he is told it costs 70,000 zlotys, he whistles in amazement
and asks why it is so much.  "Well, the bird is fluent in Italian and
French and can recite the periodic table."  He points to another bird
and is told that it costs 90,000 zlotys because it speaks French and
German, can knit and can curse in Latin.
	Finally the customer asks about a drab gray bird.  "Ah," he is
told, "that one is 150,000."
	"Why, what can it do?" he asks.
	"Well," says the shopkeeper, "to tell you the truth, he doesn't
do anything, but the other birds call him Mr. Secretary."
		-- being told in Poland, 1987
%
A man goes into a bar and begins to tell a Polish joke.  The man sitting
next to him, a big hulking powerhouse, turns and says menacingly, "*I'm*
Polish."
	He then calls out, "Ivan!  Come over here and bring your brother."
Two men, bigger than the first, appear from the back room.
	"Josef!" the man calls out, "come here a second, and bring Lendl
with you."  Two more men appear, and all five men crowd around the man with
the joke.
	"Now," says the first Polish man, "do you want to finish that joke?"
	"Nah," says the man.
	"Oh, no?  And why not?  I'm sure it was very funny," says the Polish
man, opening and closing his fist.  "Are you scared?"
	"No," replies the man.  "I just don't feel like having to explain it
five times."
%
	A man goes to a tailor to try on a new custom-made suit.  The
first thing he notices is that the arms are too long.
	"No problem," says the tailor.  "Just bend them at the elbow
and hold them out in front of you.  See, now it's fine."
	"But the collar is up around my ears!"
	"It's nothing.  Just hunch your back up a little ... no, a
little more ... that's it."
	"But I'm stepping on my cuffs!"  the man cries in desperation.
	"Nu, bend you knees a little to take up the slack.  There you
go.  Look in the mirror -- the suit fits perfectly."
	So, twisted like a pretzel, the man lurches out onto the
street.  Reba and Florence see him go by.
	"Oh, look," says Reba, "that poor man!"
	"Yes," says Florence, "but what a beautiful suit."
		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
%
A man is walking down the street when he sees a man with four arms, and
antennae coming out of his head.  He goes up to him and says, "You're not
from around here, are you?"
	"No," replies the man with the antennae.
	"You know," continues the man, "I don't think you're an American,
either.  In fact, I bet you don't even come from this planet!"
	"Right again," says the man with four arms.  "I'm from Mars."
	"Well," says the man, "that's quite some configuration you've got
there, with those four arms and those antennae and everything."
	"We Martians all have four arms and antennae."
	"Well, that's just amazing," replies the man, "and how about that
big gold colored plate in the middle of your chest, what's that, do all
Martians have that?"
	"Well, no," says the Martian.  "Not the *goyim*."
%
A Mexican and a Texan worked together for a construction firm, and,
while they were good friends, they had a friendly rivalry over whose wife
was the better cook.  One weekend, as the Texan's wife was out of town, the
Mexican invited the Texan to have supper with his family.
	The Texan accepted, and that evening sat down to some the best stew
that he had ever eaten.
	"Damn!  That stew is fantastic!" he exclaimed to his host.  "What
kind of meat is it?"
	"Rabbeet stew," replied the Mexican.
	"Rabbit?" replied the Texan. "There aren't any rabbits around here."
	"Si, my freend, the rabbeets make the beeg noise, and I shoot theem."
	"Rabbits don't make any noise..."
	"Si, my freend, they say meeyow, meeyow!"
%
A New Yorker is riding down the road in his new Mercedes.  So intent is he
on the cocaine in his hand he completely misses a turn and his car plunges
over the five-hundred-foot cliff to be smashed into pieces at the bottom.
As the on-lookers rush to the edge of the cliff they see him fifty feet
from the top of the cliff clinging to a stunted bush with all his strength.
"Dear Lord," he prays, "I never asked you for nothin' before, but I'm askin'
you now: Save me, Lord, save me."
	Booms the Lord: "LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
	"But Lord, if I do that, I'll fall!"
	"TRUST ME, LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
	"But Lord, I'm gonna fall and die..."
	"TRUST ME TO SAVE YOU.  LET GO OF THE BRANCH."
	Okay, Lord, I'll trust you, here I...  here I go!"  And he falls
to his death.
	"DUMB YANKEE."
%
	A Pole, a Soviet, an American, an Englishman and a Canadian were lost
in a forest in the dead of winter.  As they were sitting around a fire, they
noticed a pack of wolves eyeing them hungrily.
	The Englishman volunteered to sacrifice himself for the rest of the
party.  He walked out into the night.
	The American, not wanting to be outdone by an Englishman, offered to
be the next victim.  The wolves eagerly accepted his offer, and devoured him,
too.
	The Soviet, believing himself to be better than any American, turned
to the Pole and says, "Well, comrade, I shall volunteer to give my life to
save a fellow socialist."  He leaves the shelter and goes out to be killed by
the wolf pack.
	At this point, the Pole opened his jacket and pulls out a machine gun.
He takes aim in the general direction of the wolf pack and in a few seconds
has killed them all.
	The Canadian asked the Pole, "Why didn't you do that before the others
went out to be killed?
	The Pole pulls a bottle of vodka from the other side of his jacket.
He smiles and replies, "Five men on one bottle -- too many."
%
A Scotsman clad in a kilt walks up to the counter in an Apothecary.  From
his pocket he takes a plaid condom that has been heavily used, torn, patched,
sewn, and is currently split down one side.  He asks the proprieter, "How much
to replace this, Ian?"  The proprieter says, "Why, Angus, that'l be four
pence."  Then the Scotsman asks, "How much to repair?"  The prop. looks the
condom over carefully, and says "Three pence to repair."  The Scotsman ponders
for a moment, then says, "I'll be back."
	Later in the day, the Scotsman returns with a smile on his face and
says, "Ian, the Regiment has voted to repair!"
%
A sheriff arrived at the scene of the horrible accident just as his deputy,
all alone, was climbing down from the controls of a bulldozer.  "Say,
Junior, what's goin' on?" asked the sheriff.
	"A bus full of migrant workers went out of control and over the
cliff, and I just finished buryin' 'em," explained the deputy.
	"Good work, boy," replied the sheriff.  "Pretty gory work -- were
all of 'em dead?"
	Junior nodded sadly and said, "Some of them said they weren't, but
you know how them Mex'cans lie."
%
A teacher announces to her class, "Children, the student who can name the
greatest man who ever lived will win a shiny red apple."
	Immediately an Italian boy raises his hand.
	"Yes, Tony?"
	"Christopher Columbus!" says Tony.
	"Well," says the teacher, "Christopher Columbus was a very great man,
but I don't think he was the greatest man who ever lived."
	From the back of the room little Bernie Goldstein raises his hand.
	"Yes, Bernie?"
	"Jesus Christ", says Bernie.
	"That is correct, Bernie," pronounces the teacher.  "And here is
your apple."
	When Bernie gets up to the front of the room to claim his prize,
the teacher says, "Bernie, given the fact that you're Jewish, I'm surprised
that you thought Jesus was the greatest man who ever lived."
	"Well, actually," replies Bernie, "I do think Moses had the edge,
but business is business."
%
A Texan, impressing the hell out of a Bostonian with tales about the heroes
of the Alamo, commented, "I'll bet you never had anyone that brave around
*Boston*."
	"Ever hear of Paul Revere?", snarled the Bostonian.
	"Paul Revere?", pondered the Texan.  "Isn't he the guy who ran for
help?"
%
Although a fifth-generation American, Father Sweeny was more Irish than most
of Erin's natives.  He spoke with an Irish brogue which had mysteriously
appeared during his nineteenth year and he *hated* the English.  Due to his
proclivity to belabor the British from his pulpit, complaints to his
superiors were not infrequent.  He would blame anything evil or merely
inconvenient on the English people.  If there was an act of terrorism, the
responsibility was promptly laid at the feet of the Brits.  If there was a
natural disaster, undoubtedly the English government was an accessory to
the fact, if not outrightly culpable.  Repeatedly, his superiors called him
on the carpet for his behavior.  After a particularly vituperative
anti-British broadside, the Bishop instructed Father Sweeny to come straight
to his office; do not pass GO; do not collect two hundred dollars.  Summing
up a humiliating and soul-marking reprimand, the Bishop ended with: "Next
week is Saint Patrick's Day.  If you so much as *mention* the British, it's
your last sermon!"

The following Sunday, as Father Sweeny spoke lovingly and eloquently of
Saint Patrick, and he made a reference to the last Passover celebrated by
Christ and His disciples.  "Sure, an' you're all familiar with the tale.
You know that Our Lord sat at the table and told his disciples that one
among them would betray Him.  As He looked around the table, He stopped at
Peter, the Rock, who said, `Not I, Lord!'  He looked at Thomas, who doubted,
and Thomas said, `I could never do such a thing!'  Then the Lord looked long
and hard at Judas Iscariot, who said, `Cor, bloimy, Guv'na, you couldn't
main may!'"
%
America has been discovered before, but it has always been hushed up.
		-- Oscar Wilde
%
America is a large, friendly dog in a very small room.  Every time it
wags its tail, it knocks over a chair.
		-- Arnold Joseph Toynbee
%
America is a melting pot.  You know, where those on the bottom get burned,
and the scum rises to the top.
		-- Utah Phillips
%
	America, Russia and Japan are sending up a two year shuttle mission
with one astronaut from each country.  Since it's going to be two long, lonely
years up there, each may bring any form of entertainment weighing 150 pounds
or less.  The American approaches the NASA board and asks to take his 125 lb.
wife. They approve.
	The Japanese astronaut says, "I've always wanted to learn Latin.  I
want 100 lbs. of textbooks."  The NASA board approves.  The Russian astronaut
thinks for a second and says, "Two years...  all right, I want 150 pounds of
the best Cuban cigars ever made."   Again, NASA okays it.
	Two years later, the shuttle lands and everyone is gathered outside
to welcome back the astronauts.  Well, it's obvious what the American's been
up to, he and his wife are each holding an infant.  The crowd cheers.  The
Japanese astronaut steps out and makes a 10 minute speech in absolutely
perfect Latin.  The crowd doesn't understand a word of it, but they're
impressed and they cheer again.  The Russian astronaut stomps out, clenches
the podium until his knuckles turn white, glares at the first row and
screams: "Anybody got a match?"
%
[Americans] are a race of convicts and ought to be thankful for anything
we allow them short of hanging.
		-- Samuel Johnson

America is a large friendly dog in a small room.  Every time it wags its
tail it knocks over a chair.
		-- Arnold Toynbee

The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to
everybody and still nobody likes him.
		-- Jim Samuels
%
An Aggie farmer was lifting his hogs, one by one, up to the branches of
his apple trees to graze on the apples.  A Texas student walked by and
asked him, "Doesn't that take a lot of time?"
	Replied the Aggie, "What's time to a hog?"
%
An American businessman in London was given special visitor's privileges at an
exclusive men's club.  Striding in one afternoon, the American approached the
only other man in the lounge and tried to strike up a conversation.  "Care
for a cigar?" he asked.
	"No, thank you," the Englishman replied.  "I tried smoking once and
didn't like it."
	"Would you care to join me in the bar for a drink, then?" the
businessman asked.
	"No, thank you.  I tried drinking once and it didn't agree with me."
	"Well, how about a game of billiards?"
	"Sorry.  I tried it once and couldn't seem to get the hang of it."
	As the American started to turn away, the Englishman said, "But my
son will be here shortly, and I'm sure he would enjoy a game with you."
	"Your son?  An only child, I presume."
%
An American couple is in Paris, a much awaited trip, when suddenly the wife
dies of a heart attack.  The husband decides to have her buried there as the
visit to France was something they had longed for for many years.  All
arrangements are made when he suddenly realizes that he doesn't have a black
hat for the funeral.  The hotel concierge tells him that what he wants is a
"chapeau noir."  So off he goes to find a store open late.
	First he meets a gendarme and in his fractured French asks, "M'sieur,
ou pouvais-je acheter un capeau noir?"
	The policeman is a bit surprised but, after thinking a bit, gives our
friend directions.  The store -- if that is what it is -- looks a little seedy
and run down, but the man behind the counter looks friendly so in goes our
hero.  He speaks first:
	"M'sieur, je veux acheter un capeau noir."
	"Mais, monsieur, j'ai des capeaux rouges, des capeaux blancs, et des
capeaux marrons, mais pas des capeaux noires.  Pourquoi avez vous besoin d'un
capeau noir?"
	"Ma femme est morte."
	"O Monsieur!  Quelle beau sentiment!"
%
	An American tourist went into a restaurant in a Spanish provincial
city and asked to be served the specialty of the house.  When the dish
arrived he asked what kind of meat it contained.  "These, senor," explained
the waiter in halting English, "are the cojones -- the, what you say, the
testicles -- of the bull killed in the ring today.
	The tourist gulped but tasted the dish and found it delicious.
Returning the following evening, he asked for the same dish.  When it was
served, he commented to the waiter, "But these -- these cojones -- are
much smaller than the ones I had yesterday."
	"True, senor, but the bull -- he does not ALWAYS lose."
%
An American walks into an Irish pub around lunchtime, and finds the place
is completely filled and there are no chairs available, with the exception
of one -- seating a Chihuahua next to a woman.  He very politely asks her
if she would mind placing her dog on the floor for a few minutes while he
got a quick bite to eat.
	"I most certainly would!", the woman haughtily replies.  "Little
Fifi *always* sits next to me at lunchtime and there she will stay!"
	Whereupon, the American picks up the Chihuahua, throws it out of
an open window and takes the seat.
	An Irishman, watching the whole encounter, walks over, taps the
American on the shoulder and says, "Mate, I guess I never will understand
you Americans.  You drink your beer cold, drive on the right side of the
street, and you just threw the wrong bitch out the window!"
%
	An Englishman, a Frenchman and an American are captured by cannibals.
The leader of the tribe comes up to them and says, "Even though you are about
to killed, your deaths will not be in vain.  Every part of your body will be
used.  Your flesh will be eaten, for my people are hungry.  Your hair will be
woven into clothing, for my people are naked.  Your bones will be ground up
and made into medicine, for my people are sick.  Your skin will be stretched
over canoe frames, for my people need transportation.  We are a fair people,
and we offer you a chance to kill yourself with our ceremonial knife."
	The Englishman accepts the knife and yells, "God Save the Queen",
while plunging the knife into his heart.
 	The Frenchman removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells,
"Vive la France", while plunging the knife into his heart.
	The American removes the knife from the fallen body, and yells,
while stabbing himself all over his body, "Here's your lousy canoe!"
%
	An Israeli soldier was checking travelers' papers on a road, when a
man and a heavily pregnant woman on a donkey came by.  "Your names please?"
said the the soldier.
	"My name is Mary," said the woman.
	"And mine is Joseph," said the man.
	"Oh," said the soldier, a little taken aback, "And where are you
going?"
	"To Bethlehem."
	"Your reason for going there?"
	"To pay our taxes to the government."
	"Tell me," said the soldier, "are you going to name the baby Jesus?"
	"Of course not," said the woman, "What do you think we are, Puerto
Ricans?"
%
An old Jewish man reads about Einstein's theory of relativity
in the newspaper and asks his scientist grandson to explain it to him.
	"Well, zayda, it's sort of like this.  Einstein says that if
you're having your teeth drilled without Novocain, a minute seems like
an hour.  But if you're sitting with a beautiful woman on your lap, an
hour seems like a minute."
	The old man considers this profound bit of thinking for a
moment and says, "And from this he makes a living?"
		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
%
As an Englishman, an Aussie and a Scotsman are sitting in a pub, quaffing
a few, three flies buzz down from the ceiling and lazily circle each drinker.
Suddenly "buzzzzzzzzplooop", each fly does a kamakazi dive into a different
glass.
	The Englishman take a disgusted look at his pint, dips the fly out
with a spoon,  flicks the fly over his shoulder, and drains the glass.
	The Aussie notices the fly as he puts the glass to his lips.  With
a quick puff he blows the bug out in a cloud of foam, and tosses the beer
down in one gulp.
	Then, as they both look on, awestruck, the Scotsman gently grasps the
fly by its wings, lifts it out of his brew and shakes it off.  Then, in a
firm voice he speaks to the fly: "There y'are now laddie, safe and sound.
NOW SPIT IT OOOOT!"
%
"At a recent meeting in Snowmass, Colorado, a participant from Los
Angeles fainted from hyperoxygenation, and we had to hold his head
under the exhaust of a bus until he revived."
%
Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stagecoaches and the like was
popular, there were three people in a stagecoach one day:  a true red-
blooded born and bred Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city-slicker from
back East, and a beautiful and well-endowed Texas lady.  The city-slicker
kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, "Lady, I'll
give you $10 for a blow job."

The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and
killed the city-slicker on the spot.  The lady gasped and said, "Thank
you, suh, for defendin' mah honor!"

Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, hell!
No tenderfoot is gonna come 'round here raisin' the price of women in Texas!"
%
Bernard was a young eighty-three, not a gomer, and able to talk.  He'd been
transferred from MBH (Man's Best Hospital), the House's Rival.  Founded in
Colonial times by the WASPs, the insemination of MBH by non-WASPs had taken
place only mid-twentieth century with the token multidextrous Oriental
surgeon, and finally, with the token red-hot internal-medicine Jew.  Yet,
MBH was still Brooks Brothers, while the House was still the Garment District.
For Jews at MBH the password was "Dress British, Think Yiddish."  It was
rare to get a TURF from the MBH to the House, and the Fat Man was curious:
"Bernard, you went to the MBH, they did a great work-up, and you told them,
after they got done, you wanted to be transferred here. Why?"
	"I rilly don't know," said Bernard.
	"Was it the doctors there? The doctors you didn't like?"
	"The doctus?  Nah, the doctus I can't complain."
	"The test or the room?"
	"The tests or the room?  Vell, nah, about them I can't complain."
	"The nurses? The food?" asked Fats, but Bernard shook his head no.
Fats laughed and said, "Listen , Bernie, you went to the MBH, they did this
great workup, and when I asked you why you came to the House of God, all you
tell me is, 'Nah, I can't complain.'  So why did you come here?  Why, Bernie,
why?"
	"Vhy I come heah?  Vell, said Bernie, "Heah I can complain."
		-- House of God
%
Bingo, gas station, hamburger with a side order of airplane noise,
and you'll be Gary, Indiana.
		-- Jessie, "Greaser's Palace"
%
Board the windows, up your car insurance, and don't leave any booze in plain
sight.  It's St. Patrick's day in Chicago again.  The legend has it that St.
Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland.  In fact, he was arrested for drunk
driving.  The snakes left because people kept throwing up on them.
%
California is a fine place to live -- if you happen to be an orange.
		-- Fred Allen
%
Californians are a strange people.  They'll put every chemical known to God
and man up their nostrils and then laugh at you for putting sugar in your
coffee.
%
"Calling J-Man Kink.  Calling J-Man Kink.  Hash missile sighted, target
Los Angeles.  Disregard personal feelings about city and intercept."
%
Calvin:	"I wonder where we go when we die."
Hobbes:	"Pittsburgh?"
Calvin:	"You mean if we're good or if we're bad?"
%
Canada is so square even the female impersonators are women.
		-- From the movie "Outrageous"
%
Chicago has journalists' bars, ethnic bars, neighborhood bars, even midget
bars, hundreds, maybe thousands of bars, on on every neighborhood block.
I was drinking on afternoon in O'Rourke's, a bar on the Near North side.
It was dark and empty, which suited my mood.  A fat, stubble-bearded,
middle-aged man waddled in, took the stool next to mine, and ordered a
beer.  He was completely unremarkable, except that he was dressed, head
to toe, in a white-lace wedding gown.  After a silence, I said, "Been to
a wedding?"
	He brushed back his veil, rustled his petticoats and said, "Uh...
yeah."
	He silently finished his drink and left.  The bartender said, "You
know, even the transvestites in this town have five o'clock shadows."
%
Chicagoan:	"So, where're you from?"
Hoosier:	"What's wrong with Indiana?"
%
"Cleveland?  Yes, I spent a week there one day."
%
Dallas still lives.  God MUST be dead.
%
France is a country where the money falls apart and you can't tear
the toilet paper.
		-- Billy Wilder
%
How can you say that the world isn't Jewish, when the sun's real name is Sol?
%
How should they answer?
		-- Abigail Van Buren (Dear Abby) in reply to the question
		"Why do Jews always answer a question with a question?"
%
I am America's child, a spastic slogging on demented
limbs drooling I'll trade my PhD for a telephone voice.
		-- Burt Lanier Safford III, "An Obscured Radiance"
%
I grew up in an Italian family, you know, the strange thing about
Italians -- they're so Jewish.
		-- Kay Ballard
%
I have just enough white in me to make my honesty questionable.
		-- Will Rogers
%
I know why the sun never sets on the British Empire -- God wouldn't trust
an Englishman in the dark.
		-- Duncan Spaeth
%
I married an Italian girl; the way you marry an Italian girl in my family
is to bring a New Yorker home first.
%
I never believed in Santa Claus because I knew no white dude would come
into my neighborhood after dark.
		-- Dick Gregory
%
I was 15 years old before I found out that "damn yankee" was two words.
%
If God had meant for Texans to ski he would have made bullshit white.
%
If I had a plantation in Georgia and a home in Hell, I'd sell the plantation
and go home.
		-- Eugene P. Gallagher
%
If there really was a Jewish conspiracy to run the world, my rabbi would
have let me in on it by now.  I contribute enough to the shule.
		-- Saul Goodman
%
If you live in New York, even if you're Catholic, you're Jewish.
		-- Lenny Bruce
%
In the romantic days of Warsaw, Viennese whores were known for their
beauty and delicacy.  A gallant officer picked up one such lady of the
evening, who took him to her apartment.  They made delicious love all
evening before drifting to sleep in each others' arms.  In the morning
the man dressed, staring into a full-length mirror.  The lady lay in her
bed watching him.  Finally, she said softly,
	"Didn't you forget something?"
	"What did I forget?" asked the officer.
	"You forgot about the money," said the lady.
	"Oh, no," said the man, standing at ramrod attention. "A Polish
officer never accepts money."
%
Israeli prime minister Shamir invited the Pope to play a round of golf.  Since
the Pope hadn't the faintest of an idea how to play, he convened the college of
cardinals to ask their advice.  "Call Arnold Palmer," they suggested, "make him
a cardinal and let him play in your place.  Tell Shamir you couldn't make it."
	Honored by His Holiness' request, Palmer agreed to represent him.
When he returned from the match, the Pope asked him how he had done.  "I came
in second," Palmer replied.
	"You mean to tell me Shamir beat you?"
	"No, Your Holiness.  Rabbi Nicklaus did."
%
It seems that a Scotsman and an Irishman walked into a bar.  The Scot
immediately singled out the bartender and proclaimed that drinks were
on the house, and that he expected him to serve only his best.  The next
day, the headlines read: Irish Ventriloquist Beaten to Death Behind Bar.
%
	It was in a bar in midtown Manhattan and the Frenchman and the
American were talking about love over some dry Martinis.  "Deed you know,
sir," the Frenchman said, "that een my country thair are 79 different
ways how to make the REAL, passionate luff?"
	"Do tell?" said the American.  "Well, that's amazing.  In this
country there's only one."
	"Just one?" the Frenchman said, condescendingly.  "And what eez
that?"
	"Well, there's a man and a woman, and --"
	"Sacre bleu!!" exclaimed the Frenchman.  "Numbair 80!"
%
It was the first day of a new term at Princeton, and a Texas A&M freshman
was learning his way around the campus.  Stopping a distinguished looking
upperclassman, he inquired,
	"Say, buddy, can you tell me where the library is at?"
	"My good fellow," came the reply, "at Princeton we do not end our
sentences with a preposition."
	"All right," said the freshman, "can you tell me where the library
is at, asshole?"
%
	It's midnight.  The old man is awake, nervously pacing the floor, as
his 20-year-old son comes in.
	"Whatta you mean?  You staya out alla night, you runna around widda
bums.  Whatta you trying to do?"
	"Papa, don't talk like that," replies the boy.
	"Who-a you, tella me notta talka like that?  You no work, you
chase-a bad women, whatta become of you?"
	"Papa, *please* don't talk like that."
	"Don'ta talka like that?  Whatta you mean?  Why shouldn't I talka
likka that?"
	"Papa, we're not Italian."
%
It's not a sin not to be Irish, but it is a great shame.
		-- Sean O'Huiginn
%
	"Jean, what is this attraction between Catholic girls and Jewish men?"
	"You really want to know?"
	"Yeah."
	"Well, Carol, Jewish men are great in bed... right, Bob?  And Catholic
girls fuck like bunnies."
%
Jews always know two things: suffering and where to find great Chinese food.
		-- From the movie "My Favorite Year".
%
Kansas, where the men are men, the sheep are scared and the women are grateful.
%
Living in Hollywood is like living in a bowl of granola.  What ain't
fruits and nuts is flakes.
%
Morris had been down on his luck for months, and, though not a devoutly
religious man, had begun to visit the local synagogue to ask God's help.
One week, out of desperation, he prayed, "God, I've been a good and decent
man all my life.  Would it be so terrible if You let me win the lottery
just once?"
	The despondent fellow returned week after week.  One day, Morris,
nearly hopeless now, prayed, "God, I've never asked You for anything before.
I just want to win one little lottery."
	"As he dejectedly rose to leave, God's voice boomed, "Morris, at
least meet Me halfway on this.  Buy a ticket!"
%
Murray and Esther, a middle-aged Jewish couple, are touring Chile.
Murray just got a new camera and is constantly snapping pictures.  One day,
without knowing it, he photographs a top-secret military installation.  In
an instant, armed troops surround Murray and Esther and hustle them off to
prison.
	They can't prove who they are because they've left their passports
in their hotel room.  For three weeks they're tortured day and night to get
them to name their contacts in the liberation movement...  Finally they're
hauled in front of a military court, charged with espionage, and sentenced
to death.
	The next morning they're lined up in front of the wall where they'll
be shot.  The sergeant in charge of the firing squad asks them if they have
any last requests.  Esther wants to know if she can call her daughter in
Chicago.  The sergeant says he's sorry, that's not possible, and turns to
Murray.
	"This is crazy!" Murray shouts.  "We're not spies!"  And he
spits in the sergeants face.
	"Murray!" Esther cries.  "Please!  Don't make trouble."
		-- Arthur Naiman
%
Naches (rhymes with Bach' us, with "Bach" pronounced like the composer)
is what every Jewish parent wants from their children, lots of good
returns, good grades, good spouse, good grandchildren.

So, now that you all understand naches, the joke:

Two Jewish women are sitting having coffee.
	"So, how's your daughter?"
	"Oh, Rachel!  She's fine, she just married a dentist!"
	"Really?  Isn't she the one that married the lawyer?"
	"Yes, that's my Rachel."
	"That's... that's nice.  But isn't she the same one that married
		the doctor?"
	"Yes, that's her!"
	"But didn't she marry a bank executive before that?"
	"Yes, yes!"
	"Ahhh.  So much naches from one child!"
%
New Jersey is not the armpit of the nation; it's the asshole of the universe.
		-- Jonathan Michael Smith
%
Now a Jew, in the dictionary, is one who is descended from the ancient
tribes of Judea ... but you and I know what a Jew is -- one who killed
Our Lord ... A lot of people say to me "Why did you kill Christ?"  What
can I say?  It was an accident.  It was one of those parties that got out
of hand, you know...  We killed him because he didn't want to become
a doctor, that's why we killed him.
		-- Lenny Bruce
%
On an isolated stretch of beach near Cannes, a beautiful French girl threw
herself into the sea and drowned despite a young man's attempt to save her.
The man dragged the half-nude body ashore and left it on the sand while he
went to notify the authorities.  Upon his return, he was horrified to find
a man making love to the corpse.
	"Monsieur, monsieur," he shouted, "that woman is dead,
that woman is dead!"
	"Sacre bleu," exclaimed the man, springing up.
"I thought she was an American!"
%
	On his first day as a bus driver, Maxey Eckstein handed in
receipts of $65.  The next day his take was $67.  The third day's
income was $62.  But on the fourth day, Eckstein emptied no less than
$283 on the desk before the cashier.
	"Eckstein!" exclaimed the cashier.  "This is fantastic.  That
route never brought in money like this!  What happened?"
	"Well, after three days on that cockamamy route, I figured
business would never improve, so I drove over to Fourteenth Street and
worked there.  I tell you, that street is a gold mine!"
%
On one hot dusty day in 1860, a lone Mexican bandit crossed the border into
Texas.  After robbing a small bank and shooting up the town, he led the posse
on a merry chase through the desert.  On the sixth day of the chase he was
apprehended.
	Sheriff-to-interpreter:	"Ask him where the money is."
	Interpreter-to-bandit:	"He wants to know where you hid the money."
	Bandit-to-interpreter:	"I'll never tell, never!"
	Interpreter-to-sheriff:	"He says he'll never tell, senor."
At this point, the sheriff loses his cool.  His town has been shot up, his
bank robbed, he's spent a week in the desert tracking this guy, and now he
says he'll never tell.  So he takes his pistol, jams it under the bandits'
chin, and, with the veins standing out on his neck, screams "Tell him to tell
me where the money is, or I'm gonna blow his brains all over the desert!"
	Interpreter-to-bandit:	"He says if you don't tell him where the
		money is right now, he will kill you here."
	Bandit-to-interpreter:	"Do not kill me, senor, the money is hidden
		under the big tree at the pass!"
	Interpreter-to-sheriff:	"He says you ain't got the balls..."
%
Ona day Ima gonna to Detroit to a bigga hotel.  Ina morning I go down to
eat breakfast.  I tella waitress I wanna two piss's toast.  She bringa me
only one piss.  I tella her I wanna two piss ona my plate.  She says you
better no piss on the plate, you sonna bitch.  I don't even know the lady
and she call me sonna bitch.  Later I go out to eat at the bigga restaurant.
The waitress bring me a spoon and a knife but no fock.  I tell her I wanna
fock.  She tells me everone wanna fock.  I tell her "you no understand", I
wanna fock on the table.  She say you better not fock on the table, you
sonna bitch.  So I go back to my room ina hotel and there isa no shits ona
my bed.  I calla the manager and tella him I wanna shit.  He tella me to go
to the toilet.  I say "you no understand", I wanna shit on the bed.  He say
you better no shit ona bed, you sonna bitch.  I go to check out and the man
at the desk say "peace to you".  I say piss on you too, you sonna bitch.  I
gonna back to Italy.
%
One day on a busy street corner a huge, burly looking man walked up to a police
officer and asks, "Thcuse me offither, can you tell me where thidee-thid, and
thacramento ith?"
	The police officer didn't reply at all, but just looked away.
	The large man then asked again, but still no reply.  After a few more
attempts which the police officer studiously ignored, the frustrated man
walked away.  An onlooking pedestrian then walked up to the officer and asked,
"Officer, why didn't you tell that man where thirty-third and Sacramento was?"
The police officer replied,
	"Thure, thure, and dit the thit ticked out of me!"
%
One of my favorite jokes, a telling commentary on Jewish mothers' capacity
to lay on guilt, involves the mother who gave her son two neckties on Chanuka.
	The boy hurried into his bedroom, ripped off the tie he was wearing,
put on one of the ties his mother had brought him, and hurried back.  "Look,
Mama! Isn't it gorgeous?"
	"Mama asked, 'What's the matter?  You don't like the other one?'"
		-- Leo Rosten, "Hooray For Yiddish"
%
One of the first things schoolchildren in Texas learn is how to
compose a simple declarative sentence without the word "shit" in it.
%
One of the oldest problems puzzled over in the Talmud is: "Why did God create
goyim?"  The generally accepted answer is "somebody has to buy retail."
		-- Arthur Naiman, "Every Goy's Guide to Yiddish"
%
Our readers ask, "Why don't more WASPs go to orgies?"  Well, it's really
quite simple.  They don't want to have to write all those thank-you notes.
%
	Rosenberg wanted to leave the country.
	"And what is *your* reason?" asks the official at the Passport Office.
	"I am told a pogrom is being prepared against the Jews and the
barbers," replies Rosenberg.
	"Why the barbers?"
	"Everybody asks that question.  That's why I want to leave."
%
Rumour has it that the intrepid New Zealanders have finally discovered
two new uses for sheep.  Meat and wool.
%

Cleveland still lives.  God MUST be dead.
%
Save Soviet Jewry -- Win Valuable Prizes!!!!
%
Shamus: A shamus is a guy who takes care of handyman tasks around the
temple, and makes sure everything is in working order.  A shamus is at
the bottom of the pecking order of synagog functionaries, and there's
a joke about that:

A rabbi, to show his humility before God, cries out in the middle of a
service,
	"Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"
The cantor, not to be bested, also cries out,
	"Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"
The shamus, deeply moved, follows suit and cries,
	"Oh, Lord, I am nobody!"
The rabbi turns to the cantor and says,
	"Look who thinks he's nobody!"
%
So this traveling salesman got an audience with the Pope.
	"Hey, father," he said, "have you heard the joke about the two
Polacks who --"
	"My son," the Pope reminded him, "I'm Polish."
The salesman thought for a moment.
	"That's okay, Father," he said. "I'll tell it very slowly."
%
Social interaction can be fatal.  Come to Irvine and live forever.
%
State license plates we'd like to see:

	   NEVADA				MASSACHUSETTS
	  LVME 10DR				  OW-A CAH
LAND OF 10,00 ELVIS IMPERSONATORS	   THE GOOFY ACCENT STATE

	   HAWAII				WISCONSIN
	   L-O HA				 CHEDDAR
FRUITY UMBRELLA COCKTAIL WONDERLAND	    EAT CHEESE OR DIE
%
State license plates we'd like to see:

	ALABAMA					ARIZONA
	IC1 NOW					120  F
THE UFO SIGHTING STATE			THE HEAT PROSTRATION STATE

	CONNECTICUT				MISSISSIPPI
	 5:36  EXP				  4I4S2PS
WHERE THE SMART NY WORK FORCE LIVES	THE MOST OFTEN MISSPELLED STATE

	TEXAS					FLORIDA
      1-2-3 HIKE				ZON KED
 PLAY FOOTBALL OR DIE			AMERICA'S DRUG DEALER
%
State license plates we'd like to see:

	MICHIGAN				CALIFORNIA
       4-GET 74-77				EGO-MN-E-X
EMBARRASSED HOME STATE OF GERALD FORD	THE SERIAL KILLER STATE

	NORTH CAROLINA				NEW JERSEY
	  WL-GOLLY				 ARG GGH
HOME OF GOMER, GOOBER AND JESSE HELMS	   FIRST IN TOXIC WASTE

	  KANSAS				WASHINGTON DC
	  TOTO -2				$10000000 ETC
THE NOT MUCH SINCE THE WIZARD OF OZ	WASTING YOUR MONEY SINCE 1810
	  MOVIE STATE
%
Texas is Hell on woman and horses.
		-- Wayne Oakes
%
The first riddle I ever heard, one familiar to almost every Jewish child,
was propounded to me by my father:

	"What is it that hangs on the wall, is green, wet -- and whistles?"
I knit my brow and thought and thought, and in final perplexity gave up.
	"A herring," said my father.
	"A herring," I echoed.  "A herring doesn't hang on the wall!"
	"So hang it there."
	"But a herring isn't green!" I protested.
	"Paint it."
	"But a herring isn't wet."
	"If it's just painted it's still wet."
	"But -- " I sputtered, summoning all my outrage,
		"a herring doesn't whistle!!"
	"Right, " smiled my father.  "I just put that in to make it hard."
		-- Leo Rosten, "The Joys of Yiddish"
%
The Israelis are the Doberman pinschers of the Middle East.  They
treat the Arabs like postmen.
		-- Franklyn Ajaye
%
The president publicly apologized today to all those offended by his brother's
remark, "There's more Arabs in this country than there is Jews!".  Those
offended include Arabs, Jews, and English teachers.
		-- Channel 11 News, Baltimore, on Billy Carter
%
	The Soviet pre-eminence in chess can be traced to the average
Russian's readiness to brood obsessively over anything, even the arrangement
of some pieces of wood.  Indeed, the Russians' predisposition for quiet
reflection followed by sudden preventive action explains why they led the
field for many years in both chess and ax murders.  It is well known that as
early as 1970, the U.S.S.R., aware of what a defeat at Reykjavik would do to
national prestige, implemented a vigorous program of preparation and
incentive.  Every day for an entire year, a team of psychologists, chess
analysts and coaches met with the top three Russian grand masters and
threatened them with a pointy stick.  That these tactics proved fruitless
is now a part of chess history and a further testament to the American way,
which provides that if you want something badly enough, you can always go to
Iceland and get it from the Russians.
		-- Marshall Brickman, Playboy, April, 1973
%
The Soviet Union, which has complained recently about alleged anti-Soviet
themes in American advertising, lodged an official protest this week
against the Ford Motor Company's new campaign: "Hey you stinking, fat
Russian, get off my Ford Escort."
		-- Dennis Miller
%
The United States is like the guy at the party who gives cocaine to
everybody and still nobody likes him.
		-- Jim Samuels
%
The white race is the cancer of history.
		-- Susan Sontag
%
The yankees, son, are up north.  The damnyankees are down here.
%
The young Georgia miss came to the hospital for a checkup.
	"Have you been X-rayed?" asked the doctor.
	"Nope," she said, "but ah've been ultraviolated."
%
Then there was the Scot that wanted to rob a jewelry store -- he tossed a
brick through the show window and ran off with a king's ransom.  They
caught him when he came back for the brick.
%
There are few virtues that the Poles do not possess -- and there are few
mistakes they have ever avoided.
		-- Winston Churchill, Parliament, August, 1945
%
	There are some goyisha names that just about guarantee that
someone isn't Jewish.  For example, you'll never meet a Jew named
Johnson or Wright or Jones or Sinclair or Ricks or Stevenson or Reid or
Larsen or Jenks.  But some goyisha names just about guarantee that
every other person you meet with that name will be Jewish.  Why is
this?
	Who knows?  Learned rabbis have pondered this question for
centuries and have failed to come up with an answer, and you think you
can find one?  Get serious.  You don't even understand why it's
forbidden to eat crab -- fresh cold crab with mayonnaise -- or lobster
-- soft tender morsels of lobster dipped in melted butter.  You don't
even understand a simple thing like that, and yet you hope to discover
why there are more Jews named Miller than Katz?  Fat Chance.
		-- Arthur Naiman
%
There was an Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Newfoundlander sitting in
a bar having a few drinks together.
	The Englishman turns to the Frenchman, "So tell me, what do you do to
drive your wife wild in bed?"
	"Well", replies the Frenchman, "After we make love, I go out to the
garden and pick some roses.  Then I take the petals off and put them all over
her body. then I gently blow them off with a soft, even breath, and that drives
her wild with desire."
	"Interesting," the Englishman replies.  "After my wife and I make love
I massage baby oil gently all over her body -- that works for me!"
Then the pair turn to the Newfie and ask him what he does.
	"Well...", he says, "when me and the old lady are through, I jump
out of bed and wipe my dick off on the curtain.  And that REALLY drives
her wild."
%
Three fine Irish lads, O'Rourke, O'Malley and O'Donnell, worked together at
the local brewery.  One day, as fate would have it, O'Rourke fell into one
of the beer vats and drowned.  O'Malley and O'Donnell, completely crestfallen,
had to break the news to his wife.
	They went 'round the Widow O'Rourke's house and informed her that her
poor dear Patrick had drowned in a beer vat that very day.  Choking back her
tears, she asked them "Tell me now, did me poor Patty suffer much?"
	"I don't think so," replied O'Donnell. "He climbed out twice to take
a piss."
%
Three women and Feldstein were brought before the presiding judge.
The women had been arrested for soliciting and he'd been was arrested for
selling ties without a license.  "What do you do for a living?" the judge
asked, pointing at the first girl.
	"Your honor, I'm a model," she replied.
	"Thirty days," was the sentence.  The judge turned to the second
girl.  "What do you do for a living?" he asked.
	"Your honor, I'm an actress."
	"Thirty days."  Then he turned to the third girl.  "And how about
you?" he demanded.
	"Well, your honor, I'm a prostitute.  I'm not proud of it, but it's
the only way I can support my mother and my children since my husband's been
laid off."
	"For telling the truth," he said, "I'm going to suspend sentence.
Furthermore, here's $100 to help your family out."  Now he turns to Feldstein,
arrested for selling ties illegally.  "And you," he said, "what do you do
for a living?"
	"Your honor, I'm a prostitute.  I'm not proud..."
%
Tourist to New Yorker:
	"Pardon me, sir, do you know what time it is, or should I
	just go fuck myself?"
%
Two Englishmen struck up a conversation with an American in the club
car of a train headed east out of Chicago.
	"I say," queried the younger Englishman, "have you ever been to
London?"
	The American laughed.  "It was my home for two years during the war,"
he said.  "Had some of the wildest times of my life in that old town."
	The older Englishman, a little hard of hearing, asked, "What did
he say, Reggie?"
	"He said he's been to London, father," the younger Englishman
replied.
	After a little lull in the conversation, the young man asked, "You
didn't, by any chance, meet a Hazel Wimbleton in London, did you?"
	The American almost fell off his chair.  "Hot Pants Hazel!" he
exclaimed.  "My God, I shacked up with that horny broad for three months
just before I came back to the States!"
	"What did he say, Reggie?" the older Englishman wanted to know.
	"He says he knows Mother," the younger Englishman responded.
%
Two Finns and a penguin are sitting on the front porch of a large house.  The
penguin is dripping in sweat; his owner looks down and says to the other Finn,
"Hey Urho, I want that you should take the penguin to the zoo, okay?"  The
owner then runs off to the sauna.  When he gets out of the sauna, he looks
up at the porch, and sure enough, there is Urho and the penguin, sweating
away.  So he yells out "Hey, Urho, I thought I told you to take the penguin to
the zoo, I did."  And Urho yells back "Yup, and tomorrow we're going to
the movies!"
%
Two friends, an Italian boy and a Jewish boy, come of age at the same time.
The Italian boy's father presents him with a brand-new pistol.  On the other
side of town, at his Bar Mitzvah, the Jewish boy receives a beautiful gold
watch.
	The next day, in school, the two boys are showing each other what
they got.  It turns out that each boy likes the other's present better, and
so they trade.
	That night, the Italian boy is at home and his father sees him
looking at his new watch.  "Where did you getta thatta watch?" he asks.
	The boy explains the trade, and the father blows his top.  "Whatta
you?  Stupidda boy?  Whatsa matta you!"
	"Somma day, you maybe gonna getta married.  Then maybe somma day
you gonna comma home and finda you wife inna bed with another man.  Whatta
you gonna do then?  Looka atta you watch and say, `How longa you gonna be?'"
%
Two Russian friends happen to meet in Red Square.  One of them says, "By
the way, did you hear that Romanov died?"
	"No," replied the other, "I didn't even know he'd been arrested!"
%
Two Swedish guys get of a ship and head for the nearest bars.  Each one
orders two vodkas and immediately downs them.  They they order two more
and once again quickly throw them back.  They then order two more.  When
they arrive, one of them picks up his glass, and, turning to the other,
toasts him, "Skoal!"
	The other turns to the first man and scolds, "Hey!  Did you come
here to screw around, or did you come here to drink?"
%
Very few blacks will take up golf until the requirement for plaid pants is
dropped.
		-- Franklyn Ajaye
%
W. Lafayette may not be the asshole of the universe...
	but you sure as hell can see it from there!
%
We Americans, we're a simple people... but piss us off, and we'll bomb
your cities.
		-- Robin Williams
%
When they tell me to stick it where the sun don't shine, I put it in Oregon.
%
World War III is about to break out, but hidden somewhere in Switzerland,
a small group of international statesmen are trying to avert disaster.
The key members of this group are the representatives from Moscow, Bonn, and
Jerusalem, who, despite their personal enmity, manage to forge a peaceful
settlement, at the last moment.  As the treaty is signed, and the war
postponed, almost entirely through the efforts of those three men, an angel
appears. "The earth is saved through the efforts of these three men!
Therefore, I will grant each of them their heart's desire!"
	So, the angel asks the German for his wish, and the German, recalling
the nearness of their disaster, and perceiving the cause to have been the
Russians, immediately says "I wish there were no more Russians!"  And God
said, "It will be done."
	The angel asks the Russian for his wish, which, of course, is "*I*
wish there were no more Germans!"  Replies the angel, "It will be done."
	So the angel asks the Jew for his wish.  The Jew is in a state of
shock. "Will you really grant the German's wish?" he asks, and the angel
avers.  "And the Russian's, too?"  The angel avers yet again.  Then the Jew
thinks a moment, leans back and says, "In that case, I think I'd like a small
cup of coffee."
%
You always introduce the younger person to the older person, using the
wording:  "Miss Brown, I'd like to introduce you to an older person"
(unless her name is not "Miss Brown").  If you do not know a person's
age, ask for a driver's license and a major credit card.  If you are
introduced to a member of a minority group, use the "high-five" style
handshake, followed by a remark designed to show you don't mind a bit,
such as "I see you are a (name of a minority group)!  Good!"
		-- Dave Barry, "The Stuff of Etiquette"
%
You are now in Atlanta, Georgia.  Please set your clocks back 200 years.
%
You can bring men from other parts of the world who are sane.  And you
know what happens?  At the very moment they cross those mountains...
they go mad.  Instantaneously and automatically, at the very moment
they cross the mountains into California, they go insane.
		-- Quentin Genter
%
You've got to pity New Mexico... so far from heaven and so close to Texas.
%
Roumanian-Yiddish cooking has killed more Jews than Hitler.
		-- Zero Mostel
%
To a Californian, the basic difference between the people and the pigeons
in New York is that the pigeons don't shit on each other.
		-- From "East vs. West: The War Between the Coasts
%
Q:      Why is it that Mexico isn't sending anyone to the '84 summer games?
A:      Anyone in Mexico who can run, swim or jump is already in LA.