A bureaucracy is like a septic tank -- all the really big shits float
to the top.
%
A chubby man with a white beard and a red suit will approach you soon.
Avoid him.  He's a Commie.
%
A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for
the first time.
		-- Alfred E. Wiggam
%
A conservative is a man who is too cowardly to fight and too fat to run.
		-- Elbert Hubbard
%
A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never
learned to walk.
		-- Franklin D. Roosevelt
%
A decade after Vietnam, we still cannot understand why "their"
Salvadorans fight better than "our" Salvadorans.  It is not a matter of
their training or their equipment.  It has to do with the quality of the
society we are asking them to risk death defending.  The metaphor of the
domino obscures this reality, and the cost our self-imposed blindness
is high.  San Salvador is closer to Saigon than to Munich.
		-- William LeoGrande, "New York Times", 3/9/83
%
A friendly message from your Internal Revenue Service: tax time is
coming again soon.  Bend over.
%
A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel.
		-- Robert Frost
%
A liberal is a person whose interests aren't at stake at the moment.
		-- Willis Player
%
A liberal is someone too poor to be a capitalist, and too rich to be a
communist.
%
A new taste had been acquired and a new appetite began to grow.  The time
had long since arrived to crush the technical intelligentsia, which had
come to regard itself as too irreplaceable and had not gotten used to
catching instructions on the wing.  In other words, we never did trust
the engineers - and from the very first years of the Revolution we saw to
it that those lackeys and servants of former capitalist bosses were kept
in line by healthy suspicion and surveillance by the workers.
		-- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago"
%
A New Yorker was driving through Berkeley when he saw a big crowd gathered
by the side of the street.  Curiousity got the better of him and he leaned
out of his window to ask an onlooker what was going on.  The fellow explained
that a protestor against the U.S. position in South America had doused
himself with gasoline and set himself on fire.  "That's terrible," gasped
the man.  "But why is everyone still standing around?"
	"Well, they're taking up a collection for his wife and kids," the
onlooker explained.  "Would you be willing to help?"
	"Well, sure," replied the New Yorker.  "I suppose I could spare a
gallon or two."
%
A Nixon [is preferable to] a Dean Rusk -- who will be passionately
wrong with a high sense of consistency.
		-- J. K. Galbraith
%
A non-vegetarian anti-abortionist is a contradiction in terms.
		-- Phyllis Schlafly
%
A person who has both feet planted firmly in the air can be safely called
a liberal.
%
A Polish worker walks into a bank to deposit his paycheck.  He has heard
about Poland's economic problems, and he asks what would happen to his
money if the bank collapsed.  "All of our deposits are guaranteed by the
finance ministry, sir," the teller replies.
	"But what if the finance ministry goes broke?" the worker asks.
	"Then the government will intercede to protect the working class,"
the teller says.
	"But what if the government goes broke?" the worker asks.
	"Our socialist comrades in the Soviet Union naturally will come
to our assistance," the teller responds with growing irritation.
	"And if the Soviet Union goes broke?" the worker asks.
	"Idiot!" the teller snorts. "Isn't that worth losing one lousy
paycheck?"
		-- Making the rounds in Warsaw, 1984
%
A reactionary is a man whose political opinions always manage to keep
up with yesterday.
%
A rich man told me recently that a liberal is a man who tells other
people what to do with their money.
		-- Imamu Amiri Baraka (Leroi Jones)
%
A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.
		-- Joseph Stalin
%
... [after the announcement of Vanguard] ... Secretary of Defense Charles
Wilson (the same "Engine Charlie" who once told the Senate, "[F]or years
I've thought that what was good for our country was good for General Motors,
and vice versa," probably an accurate analysis) was asked whether the
Russians might beat the Americans into orbit.  "I wouldn't care if they
did," he responded.  (It was later claimed that Wilson favored the
development of the automatic transmission so that he could drive with
one foot in his mouth.)
		-- Smithsonian's Air&Space Magazine, "The Day the Rocket Died"
%
After the ground war began, captured Iraqi soldiers said any of them caught
by superiors wearing a white T-shirt would be executed because of the ease
with which the shirts could be used as surrender flags.  Some Iraqi soldiers
carried bleach with them to make their dark shirts white.
		-- Chuck Shepherd, Funny Times, May 1991
%
"Ah, you know the type.  They like to blame it all on the Jews or the
Blacks, 'cause if they couldn't, they'd have to wake up to the fact
that life's one big, scary, glorious, complex and ultimately
unfathomable crapshoot -- and the only reason THEY can't seem to keep
up is they're a bunch of misfits and losers."
		-- A analysis of Neo-Nazis, from "The Badger" comic
%
Aide to Raygun:  Sir, the poor are outside protesting your budget cuts.
Raygun himself:  Tell them they'll have to help themselves.
Aide to Raygun:  Sir, the Pentagon wants another $30 billion.
Raygun himself:  Tell them to help themselves.
%
Al Gore resembled a Vulcan desperately in need of a blow job.
		-- Bobcat Goldthwait
%
America ... just a nation of two hundred million used car salesman
with all the money we need to buy guns and no qualms about killing
anybody else in the world who tries to make us uncomfortable.
		-- Hunter S. Thompson, "Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail"
%
America is a stronger nation for the ACLU's uncompromising effort.
		 -- President John F. Kennedy

The simple rights, the civil liberties from generations of struggle must not
be just fine words for patriotic holidays, words we subvert on weekdays, but
living, honored rules of conduct amongst us...I'm glad the American Civil
Liberties Union gets indignant, and I hope this will always be so.
		 -- Senator Adlai E. Stevenson

The ACLU has stood foursquare against the recurring tides of hysteria that
from time to time threaten freedoms everyhere... Indeed, it is difficult
to appreciate how far our freedoms might have eroded had it not been for the
Union's valiant representation in the courts of the constitutional rights
of people of all persuasions, no matter how unpopular or even despised
by the majority they were at the time.
		-- former Supreme Court Chief Justice Earl Warren
%
American cars are made shoddily...  Cars made overseas are far superior.
		-- Sen. Barry Goldwater
%
An American tourist is visiting Russia, and he's talking with a Russian
about the fact that not many people in Russia own cars.

American:	"I can't believe you don't have cars here!  How do you
		get to work?"
Russian:	"We take the bus, or the subway.  We have public
		transportation everywhere."
A:		"Well, how do you go on vacations?"
R:		"We take the train."
A:		"Well, what if you want to go abroad?"
R:		"We don't ever want go abroad."
A:		"Well, what if you really HAVE to go abroad?"
R:		"We take tanks."
%
An American, a Frenchman, and a Vietnamese refugee had a discussion about
the happiness of life.
	"To me, happiness is returning home on a Monday evening, having a
wonderful dinner prepared by my wife, then slouching on the sofa watching
Monday Night Football," the American said.
	"You Americans are not romantic at all", the French injected, "Sharing
a beautiful evening with my lover, walking along the Seine river, and having a
romantic dinner on top of the Eiffel tower.  That is happiness of life."
	"You call those things happiness", the Vietnamese laughed, "then you
two still don't understand life at all.  Imagine this.  You are sleeping
soundly at night in Saigon.  Then suddenly you hear loud knocks on your front
door.  You hear loud voices, 'Mr. Nguyen Van Binh, open the door!'.  Quaking
with fear, you rush out and open the door.  Right there, you see two secret
policemen ready to handcuff you.  One of them says to you, 'Mr. Nguyen Van
Binh, you are under arrest for your anti-revolutionary activities.  You are
being sent to the re-educational camp tonight!'  Sweating profusely and
shaking uncontrollably, you reply to them, 'Comrades, Mr. Nguyen Van Binh
lives next door.'  That moment is happiness in life, my friends.
%
An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile -- hoping that it will eat him last.
		-- Sir Winston Churchill, 1954
%
	An elderly man stands in line for hours at a Warsaw meat store (meat
is severely rationed).  When the butcher comes out at the end of the day and
announces that there is no meat left, the man flies into a rage.
	"What is this?" he shouts.  "I fought against the Nazis, I worked hard
all my life, I've been a loyal citizen, and now you tell me I can't even buy a
piece of meat?  This rotten system stinks!"
	Suddenly a thuggish man in a black leather coat sidles up and murmurs
"Take it easy, comrade.  Remember what would have happened if you had made an
outburst like that only a few years ago" -- and he points an imaginary gun to
this head and pulls the trigger.
	The old man goes home, and his wife says, "So they're out of meat
again?"
	"It's worse than that," he replies.  "They're out of bullets."
		-- making the rounds in Warsaw, 1987
%
And what accomplished villains these old engineers were!  What diabolical
ways to sabotage they found!  Nikolai Karlovich von Meck, of the People's
Comissariat of Railroads ... would hold forth for hours on end about the
economic problems involved in the construction of socialism, and he loved to
give advice.  One such pernicious piece of advice was to increase the size
of freight trains and not worry about heavier than average loads.  The GPU
exposed van Meck, and he was shot: his objective had been to wear out rails
and roadbeds, freight cars and locomotives, so as to leave the Republic
without railroads in case of foreign military intervention!  When, not long
afterward, the new People's Commissar of Railroads ordered that average
loads should be increased, and even doubled and tripled them, the malicious
engineers who protested became known as limiters ... they were rightly
shot for their lack of faith in the possibilities of socialist transport.
		-- Aleksandr I. Solzhenitsyn, "The Gulag Archipelago"
%
Announcing the NEW VAX 11/782!!

Be the envy of other major Communist Governments!

Defend yourself against the entire ICBM force of the imperialist USA with
just one of the processors, at the same time you're designing missile IC's,
cracking secret NATO codes and editing propaganda for your own people all
at the same time with the other! (Well, you really can't, but the Americans
think you can, and that's the point, right?)
%
Antique fairy tale: Little Red Riding Hood.
Modern fairy tale: Oswald, acting alone, shot Kennedy.
%
Any president should have the right to shoot at least two people a year
without explanation.
		-- Herbert Hoover, discussing the press
%
Anybody has a right to evade taxes if he can get away with it.  No citizen
has a moral obligation to assist in maintaining his government.
		-- J. P. Morgan [Speaking, no doubt, on behalf of his highly-
		   paid tax lawyers]
%
Anyone who knows history, particularly the history of Europe, will, I think,
recognize that the domination of education or of government by any one
particular religious faith is never a happy arrangement for the people.
		-- Eleanor Roosevelt
%
"Approximately 80% of our air pollution stems from hydrocarbons released by
vegetation, so let's not go overboard in setting and enforcing tough emissions
standards from man-made sources."
		-- Ronald Reagan, noted ecologist and former President
%
ARCHDUKE FERDINAND FOUND ALIVE -- FIRST WORLD WAR A MISTAKE
%
As for Carter being for registration but against the draft, isn't that
sort of being like for putting it in and not taking it out?  Even if it
was possible not to follow through, you'd still be getting screwed.
%
As long as I am mayor of this city [Jersey City, New Jersey] the great
industries are secure.  We hear about constitutional rights, free speech
and the free press.  Every time I hear these words I say to myself, "That
man is a Red, that man is a Communist".  You never hear a real American
talk like that.
		-- Frank Hague, 1896-1956
%
At last, the first Soviet, artificially intelligent computer had been produced.
The engineers did not get it, nor the physicists.  First things first: it went
to the institute of Marxism-Leninism.

"IS IT POSSIBLE TO BUILD SOCIALISM IN SWITZERLAND?" typed in one of the
	theologians.
"YES," replied the computer.  "BUT IT WOULD BE SUCH A PITY TO DESTROY
	SUCH A BEAUTIFUL COUNTRY."
%
At twenty-six, Kate, though not promiscuous, had slept with most of the
decent men in public life.
		-- Renata Adler
%
Atlee is a very modest man.  And with reason.
		-- Winston Churchill
%
"Avoid revolution or expect to get shot.  Mother and I will grieve, but
we will gladly buy a dinner for the National Guardsman who shot you."
		-- Dr. Paul Williamson, father of a Kent State student
%
Back in '80 or '81 the workers were rioting in Gdansk and there were fears
that the Soviets would invade Poland to put down the demonstrations.  Foreign
correspondents were curious as to just what the Poles would do if they were
invaded.  They asked, "What will you do if the East Germans invade from the
West and the Soviets invade from the East?  Who will you fight first?"
	To which the Poles replied, "Why, we will fight the Germans first.
Business before pleasure."
%
Because woman's work is never done and is underpaid or unpaid or boring or
repetitious and we're the first to get the sack and what we look like is
more important than what we do and if we get raped it's our fault and if we
get bashed we must have provoked it and if we raise our voices we're nagging
bitches and if we enjoy sex nymphos and if we don't we're frigid and if we
love women it's because we can't get a "real" man and if we ask our doctor
too many questions we're neurotic and/or pushy and if we expect community
care for children we're selfish and if we stand up for our rights we're
aggressive and "unfeminine" and if we don't we're typical weak females and
if we want to get married we're out to trap a man and if we don't we're
unnatural and because we still can't get an adequate safe contraceptive but
men can walk on the moon and if we can't cope or don't want a pregnancy we're
made to feel guilty about abortion and... for lots and lots of other reasons
we are part of the women's liberation movement.
%
Being in politics is like being a football coach.  You have to be smart
enough to understand the game and dumb enough to think it's important.
		-- Eugene McCarthy
%
Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the
Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
		-- Blake Clark
%
Being the #2 man in the Justice Department under Ed Meese is akin to
standing next to a lamp post infested with pigeons.
		-- unamed Justice Department official
%
Black people have never rioted.  A riot is what white people think blacks
are involved in when they burn stores.
		-- Julius Lester
%
But among the children of the Great Society there were those whose
skins were black.  And lo!  Their portion was niggardly, and of the fatted
calf they were sucking hind teat...
	Now it came to pass that a prophet rose up amongst them, and they
called him King.  And he went unto Pharaoh and said, "Let my people go to
the front of the bus."
	But Pharaoh answered: "In the fullness of time and with all
deliberate speed shall this thing come to pass.  When ye shall prove
yourselves worthy, shall ye have your just portion -- yea, verily, like
unto a snowball in Hell."
		-- "The Begatting of a President"
%
"California is proud to be the home of the freeway."
		-- Ronald Reagan
%
Calvin Coolidge looks as if he had been weaned on a pickle.
		-- Alice Roosevelt Longworth
%
Calvin Coolidge was the greatest man who ever came out of Plymouth Corner,
Vermont.
		-- Clarence Darrow
%
Capitalism is the extraordinary belief that the nastiest of men, for
the nastiest of reasons, will somehow work for the benefit of us all.
		-- John Maynard Keynes
%
Civilization and profits go hand in hand.
		-- Calvin Coolidge
%
Come home America.
		-- George McGovern, 1972
%
Corrupt, stupid grasping functionaries will make at least as big a muddle of
socialism as stupid, selfish and acquisitive employers can make of capitalism.
		-- Walter Lippmann
%
"Dear Mr. Seldes:  I cannot remember the exact wording of the statement
to which you allude; but what I meant was that ... a man who calls
himself a 100% American and is proud of it, is generally 150% an idiot
politically.  But the designations may be good business for war
veterans.  Having bled for their country in 1861 and 1918, they have
bled it all they could consequently.  And why not?"
		-- George Seldes, "The Great Quotations"
%
Democracy can learn some things from Communism: for example, when a
Communist politician is through, he is through.
%
Democracy is also a form of worship. It is the worship of Jackals by Jackasses.
		-- H. L. Mencken
%
Democracy is the theory that the common people know what they want, and
deserve to get it good and hard.
		-- H. L. Mencken, "Little Book in C major", 1916
%
Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned somewhere.
Republicans form censorship committees and read them as a group.

Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the USA.
The remainder is thrown out.

Republicans usually wear hats and almost always clean their paint brushes.

Republicans study the financial pages of the newspaper.
Democrats put them in the bottom of the bird cage.

Most of the stuff alongside the road has been thrown out of car
windows by Democrats.
		-- Paul Dickson, "The Official Rules"
%
Do you realize the responsibility I carry?  I'm the only person standing
between Nixon and the White House.
		-- John F. Kennedy, in 1960
%
Doing business with the government is like fucking sheep.  It's easy, but
it's not very satisfying.
%
Don't buy a landslide.  I don't want to have to pay for one more vote
than I have to.
		-- Joseph P. Kennedy, on JFK's election strategy.
%
Don't do the crime, if you can't do the time.
		-- Lt. Col. Ollie North
%
Don't get the idea that I'm one of those goddamn radicals.  Don't get the
idea that I'm knocking the American system.
		-- Al Capone
%
Don't knock President Fillmore.  He kept us out of Vietnam.
%
Don't take a nickel, just hand them your business card.
		-- Richard Daley, advising on the safe enjoyment of graft
%
Draft beer, not boys!
%
Draft beer, not people.
%
During the Reagan-Mondale debates:

Q:	"Do you feel that a person's age affects his ability to
	perform as president?"
Reagan:	"I refuse to make an issue out of my opponent's youth and inexperience."
%
Even God cannot change the past.
		-- Joseph Stalin
%
Everlasting peace will come to the world when the last man has slain
the last but one.
		-- Adolph Hitler
%
Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired
signifies in the final sense, a theft from those who hunger and are not
fed, those who are cold and are not clothed.  This world in arms is not
spending money alone.  It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the
genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children.  This is not a way
of life at all in any true sense.  Under the clouds of war, it is
humanity hanging on a cross of iron.
		-- Dwight Eisenhower, April 16, 1953
%
"First World" nations are the ones where people drive Japanese cars;
"Second World" nations are where First World residents go on vacation;
and "Third World" nations are the ones where people still dive out of
trees to prove their manhood.
		-- Dave Barry
%
"Follow me around.  I don't care.  I'm serious.  If anybody wants to put a
tail on me, go ahead.  They'd be very bored."
		-- Gary Hart, announcing his presidential candidacy,
		   commenting on rumors of womanizing.
%
For those of you how have been looking for evidence that a working
version of "Star Wars" can be built, consider the following proof
offered by Caspar Weinberger:

	"If such a system is so unattainable, why have the Soviets been
	working desperately to get it for over 17 years?"

		-- USA Today, 24 June 1986
%
Forgive your enemies, but don't forget their names.
		-- John F. Kennedy
%
Gaiety is the most outstanding feature of the Soviet Union.
		-- Joseph Stalin
%
Gary Hart's biggest mistake was not getting Teddy Kennedy to drive
Donna Rice home.
%
George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but he
also admitted doing it.  Now, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
Because George still had the axe in his hand.
%
God has intended the great to be great and the little to be little...
The trade unions, under the European system, destroy liberty [...] I do
not mean to say that a dollar a day is enough to support a workingman...
not enough to support a man and five children if he insists on smoking
and drinking beer.  But the man who cannot live on bread and water is
not fit to live!  A family may live on good bread and water in the
morning, water and bread at midday, and good bread and water at night!
		-- Rev. Henry Ward Beecher
%
Going into politics is as fatal to a gentleman as going into a bordello
is fatal to a virgin.
		-- H. L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"
%
Goose pimples rose all over me, my hair stood on end, my eyes filled with
tears of love and gratitude for this greatest of all conquerers of human
misery and shame, and my breath came in little gasps.  If I had not known
that the Leader would have scorned such adulation, I might have fallen to
my knees in unashamed worship, but instead I drew myself to attention, raised
my arm in the eternal salute of the ancient Roman Legions and repeated the
holy words, "Heil Hitler!"
		-- George Lincoln Rockwell
%
Gorbachev woke up early one morning, and felt great.  He walked over to his
window, threw back the curtains, and saw the sun coming up.  He felt *so*
good, he crowed, "Good Morning Sun!", and was startled when a great booming
voice came back to him, "Good morning Comrade!  Good morning to you and
the great Soviet Socialist Republic!".  Of course, this surprised him, but
great politician that he is, he considers the political ramifications.
Gorbachev then woke up Reza and his closest aides, brought them into his
bedroom, and shouted out "Good morning, Comrade Sun!".  Again a booming reply,
"Good morning, Comrade.  Good morning to you and the rest of the Party!"
Everyone was quite excited about this, and Gorbachev sat down to his
day's work with a feeling of being destiny's favorite child.
	Later, in the evening, he was preparing for the ballet.  As he
dressed, he noticed that the sun was setting.  Walking over to the window,
Gorbachev threw up the sash and again addressed the sun, "Good evening to
you, Comrade Sun!".  Once more the great voice boomed out, "Fuck you,
asshole!  I'm in the West now!"
%
GREAT MOMENTS IN AMERICAN HISTORY (#21):  July 30, 1917

On this day, New York City hotel detectives burst in and caught then
Senator Warren G. Harding in bed with an underage girl.  He bought
them off with a $20 bribe, and later remarked thankfully, "I thought
I wouldn't get out of that under $1000!"  Always one to learn from
his mistakes, in later years President Harding carried on his affairs
in a tiny closet in the White House Cabinet Room while Secret Service
men stood lookout.
%
	"Haig, in congressional hearings before his confirmatory, paradoxed
his audiencers by abnormaling his responds so that verbs were nouned, nouns
verbed, and adjectives adverbised.  He techniqued a new way to vocabulary his
thoughts so as to informationally uncertain anybody listening about what he
had actually implicationed.
	"If that is how General Haig wants to nervous breakdown the Russian
leadership, he may be shrewding his way to the biggest diplomatic invent
since Clausewitz.  Unless, that is, he schizophrenes his allies first."
		-- The Guardian
%
Have you ever really thought about there being a simple solution to
America's problems?  Why, we could solve all of our raw materials
difficulties, foreign complications etc. over a long weekend.  If we
got up early, early mind you, on Saturday, we could take over Mexico
by 10:00.  Panama and most of South America would be a bit more difficult,
but I believe we could do it by 6 or 7 that evening.  Turning our
attention northward, Canada would require most of Sunday morning.
General mopping up and execution of the civilian populations would take
up Sunday afternoon.  I just don't understand why Washington hasn't
thought of this...
%
He wasn't much of an actor, he wasn't much of a Governor -- Hell, they
_H_A_D to make him President of the United States.  It's the only job he's
qualified for!
		-- Michael Cain
%
He's a son-of-a-bitch, but he's our son-of-a-bitch.
		-- FDR on Nicaraguan dictator Anastasio Somoza
%
Heard tell that the Iron Magnolia wanted to divorce ol' Jimmy.  Seems he's
screwing everyone but her.
%
Hell hath no fury like a bureaucrat scorned.
		-- Milton Friedman
%
"Here's the holiday schedule for Monday's observation of Martin Luther
King Jr.'s birthday, when the following will be closed:

	* Governmental offices
	* Post offices
	* Libraries
	* Schools
	* Banks
	* Parts of Palm Beach

and the mind of Senator Jesse Helms of North Carolina."
		-- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live"
%
"How do you like the new America?  We've cut the fat out of the
government, and more recently the heart and brain (the backbone was gone
some time ago).  All we seem to have left now is muscle.  We'll be lucky
to escape with our skins!"
%
I acted to show my love for Jodie Foster.
		-- John Hinckley
%
I ain't got no quarrel with them Viet Congs.
		-- Muhammad Ali
%
I also believe that academic freedom should protect the right of a
professor or student to advocate Marxism, socialism, communism, or any
other minority viewpoint -- no matter how distasteful to the majority.
		-- Richard M. Nixon

What are our schools for if not indoctrination against Communism?
		-- Richard M. Nixon
%
I am not a crook.
		-- Richard Nixon
%
I am not now and never have been a girl friend of Henry Kissinger.
		-- Gloria Steinem
%
I believe in an America where the separation of church and state is absolute
-- where no Catholic prelate would tell the president (should he be Catholic)
how to act, and no Protestant minister would tell his parishoners for whom
to vote -- where no church or church school is granted any public funds or
political preference -- and where no man is denied public office merely
because his religion differs from the president who might appoint him or
the people who might elect him.
		-- John F. Kennedy
%
I believe that Ronald Reagan will someday make this country what it once was

	... an arctic wilderness.
		-- Steve Martin
%
I belong to no organized party.  I am a Democrat.
		-- Will Rogers
%
I call it the "Madman Theory".  I want the North Vietnamese to believe that
I've reached the point where I might do *anything* to stop the war.  We'll
just slip the word to them that "For God's sake, you know, Nixon is obsessed
about Communism.  We can't restrain him when he's angry -- and he has his
hand on the nuclear button."
		-- Richard Nixon
%
"I can remember when a good politician had to be 75 percent ability and 25
percent actor, but I can well see the day when the reverse could be true."
		-- Harry Truman
%
I did not look behind me, 'till I got to St. Omer's & thence fled to America;
here I offer'd to become a Spy for the English Government which was scornfully
rejected; I then turned to Plunder & Libel the Yankees, for which I was fined
5000 Dollars & kicked out of the Country!  I came back to England (after
absconding for Seven years) & set up the Crown & Mitre to establish my Loyalty!
-- accepted from the Doctor L400 to print & disperse a pamphlet against "the
Hellfire of Reform" ... but applied the Money to purchase an estate at Botley,
& left ye Doctor to pay the Paper & Printing!  Being now Lord of the Manor, I
began by sowing the seeds of discontent through Hampshire; I oppressed the
Poor, sent the Aged to Hell, & damned the eyes of my Parish Apprentices before
they were open'd in the morning! ... and being now supported by a Band of
Reformers, I renewed my old favorite Toast of Damnation to the House of
Brunswick! & being exalted by the sale of 10,000 Political Registers every
week, I find myself the greatest Man in the World! except that Idol of all my
Adorations, his Royal and Imperial Majesty, NAPOLEONE!
		-- William Cobbett, British journalist
%
I don't give a shit what happens.  I want you all to stonewall it.  Let them
plead the Fifth Amendment, cover up, or anything else if it'll save the plan.
		-- Richard Nixon
%
I don't see what's wrong with giving Bobby a little experience before
he starts to practice law.
		-- John F. Kennedy, upon appointing his brother
		   Attorney-General.
%
I don't think they are going to give a shit about the Republican
Committee trying to bug the Democratic Committee's headquarters.
		-- Richard Nixon, 1972
%
I don't understand what all the fuss was about in Los Angeles.  It's not like
we looted Brooks Brothers when Oliver North got off.
		-- P. J. O'Rourke
%
I go the way that Providence dictates.
		-- Adolf Hitler
%
I had never been too political, but I knew how white people treated black
people and it was hard for me to come back to the bullshit white people
put a black person through in this country.  To realize you don't have any
power to make things different is a bitch.
		-- Miles Davis
%
"I have just read your lousy review buried in the back pages.  You sound
like a frustrated old man who never made a success, an eight-ulcer man on a
four-ulcer job, and all four ulcers working.  I have never met you, but if I
do you'll need a new nose and plenty of beefsteak and perhaps a supporter
below.  Westbrook Pegler, a guttersnipe, is a gentleman compared to you.
You can take that as more of an insult than as a reflection on your ancestry."
		-- President Harry S. Truman
%
I have nothing but utter contempt for the courts of this land.
		-- George Wallace
%
I have often looked at women and committed adultery in my heart.
		-- Jimmy Carter
%
I never did give anybody hell.  I just told the truth and they thought
it was hell.
		-- Harry S. Truman
%
I never trust a man unless I've got his pecker in my pocket.
		-- Lyndon Baines Johnson
%
I regret to say that we of the F.B.I. are powerless to act in cases of
oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate
commerce.
		-- J. Edgar Hoover
%
I shall give a propagandist reason for starting the war, no matter whether
it is plausible or not.  The victor will not be asked afterwards whether
he told the truth or not.  When starting and waging war it is not right
that matters, but victory.
		-- Adolph Hitler
%
I think any man in business would be foolish to fool around with his secretary.
If it's somebody else's secretary, fine.
		-- Barry Goldwater

I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell right in the ass.
		-- Barry Goldwater
%
I think every good Christian ought to kick Falwell right in the ass.
		-- Senator Barry Goldwater, commenting on Jerry Falwell's
		   suggestion that all good Christians should be against
		   Sandra Day O'Connor's nomination to the Supreme Court
%
I was in accord with the system so long as it permitted me to function
effectively.
		-- Albert Speer
%
I would have made a good pope.
		-- Richard Nixon
%
I would have promised those terrorists a trip to Disneyland if it would have
gotten the hostages released.  I thank God they were satisfied with the
missiles and we didn't have to go to that extreme.
		-- Oliver North
%
I would not like to be a political leader in Russia.  They never know when
they're being taped.
		-- Richard Nixon

I love America.  You always hurt the one you love.
		-- David Frye impersonating Nixon
%
I'm fed up to the ears with old men dreaming up wars for young men to die in.
		-- George McGovern
%
I'm never through with a girl until I've had her three ways.
		-- J. F. Kennedy
%
I'm not a lovable man.
		-- Richard Nixon.
%
I'm not sure I've even got the brains to be President.
		-- Barry Goldwater, in 1964
%
I'm sorry I missed.
		-- Squeaky Fromme
%
I've got Hubert's pecker in my pocket.
		-- Lyndon B. Johnson

Don't see 'em this big out here, do they?
		-- Lyndon B. Johnson, exposing himself to reporters in a
		public toilet during a tour of the Far East
%
I've never been hurt by anything I didn't say.
		-- Calvin Coolidge
%
If a man is not a liberal at 25, he has no heart.
If he's not a conservative by 45, he has no brain.
%
If any demonstrator ever lays down in front of my car, it'll be the last
car he ever lays down in front of.
		-- George Wallace
%
If Carter is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question.
%
If clear thinking created sparks, we could safely store dynamite in
James Watt's office.
		-- Wayne Shannon, KRON-TV
%
If I made peace with Russia today, I'd only attack her again tomorrow.  I
just couldn't help myself.
		-- Adolf Hitler
%
If it takes a bloodbath, lets get it over with.  No more appeasement.
		-- Ronald Reagan
%
If people say that here and there someone has been taken away and maltreated,
I can only reply: You can't make an omelette without breaking eggs.
		-- Hermann Goering
%
If Presidents don't do it to their wives, they do it to the country.
		-- Mel Brooks
%
If Reagan is the answer, it must have been a VERY silly question.
%
If the Nazis had television with satellite technology, we'd all be
goose-stepping.  Americans are just as suggestible.
		-- Frank Zappa
%
If two men agree on everything, you may be sure that one of them is
doing the thinking.
		-- Lyndon B. Johnson

Jerry Ford is a nice guy, but he played too much football with his
helmet off.
		-- Lyndon B. Johnson

I do not believe that this generation of Americans is willing to resign
itself to going to bed each night by the light of a Communist moon.
		-- Lyndon B. Johnson
%
"If we relied conclusively on scientific data for every one of our
findings, I'm afraid all of our work would be inconclusive."
		-- Henry Hudson, of the Meese Pornography Commission, on
		   criticism of its conclusion that pornography causes sex
		   crimes.
%
If you cannot convince them, confuse them.
		-- Harry S. Truman
%
If you have seen one city slum you have seen them all.
		-- Spiro Agnew
%
If you really want to do something new, the good won't help you with it.
Let me have men about me that are arrant knaves.  The wicked, who have
something on their conscience, are obliging, quick to hear threats, because
they know how it's done, and for booty.  You can offer them things because
they will take them.  Because they have no hesitations.  You can hang them
if they get out of step.  Let me have men about me that are utter villains
-- provided that I have the power, the absolute power, over life and death.
		-- Hermann Goering
%
If you think the United States has stood still, who built the largest
shopping center in the world?
		-- Richard M. Nixon
%
If you treat people right they will treat you right -- 90% of the time.
		-- Franklin Delano Roosevelt
%
If you've seen one redwood, you've seen them all.
		-- Ronald Reagan
%
Imagine me going around with a pot belly.  It would mean political ruin.
		-- Adolf Hitler
%
In 1953, Stalin dies.  The politburo holds a special meeting to decide
what to do about the body.  Nobody will let it be buried near their home.
Finally they decide:
	"Aha!  Call Israel!  Offer them ten million rubles; they'll let us
bury Stalin in Israel! Off goes the message and the politburo waits...
Finally a telegram comes back:
	"NO CHANCE STOP ONE RESURRECTION HERE ALREADY"
%
In 1989, the United States, displeased with the policies of the dictator of
Panama, invaded that country and placed in power a government more to its
liking.

In 1990, Iraq, displeased with the policies of the dictator of Kuwait,
invaded that country and placed in power a government more to its liking.
%
In a country where the sole employer is the State, opposition means death
by slow starvation.  The old principle: Who does not work shall not eat,
has been replaced by a new one: Who does not obey shall not eat.
		-- Leon Trotsky, 1937
%
In any country there must be people who have to die.  They are the
sacrifices any nation has to make to achieve law and order.
		-- Idi Amin Dada
%
In the future, there will be fewer but better Russians.
		-- Joseph Stalin
%
In this world of sin and sorrow there is always something to be
thankful for; as for me, I rejoice that I am not a Republican.
		-- H. L. Mencken
%
In what can only be described as a surprise move, God has officially
announced His candidacy for the U.S. presidency.  During His press conference
today, the first in over 4000 years, He is quoted as saying, "I think I have
a chance for the White House if I can just get my campaign pulled together
in time.  I'd like to get this country turned around; I mean REALLY turned
around!  Let's put Florida up north for awhile, and let's get rid of all
those annoying mountains and rivers.  I never could stand them!"
	There apparently is still some controversy over the Almighty's
citizenship and other qualifications for the Presidency.  God replied to
these charges by saying, "Come on, would the United States have anyone other
than a citizen bless their country?"
%
It is dangerous for a national candidate to say things that people might
remember.
		-- Eugene McCarthy
%
It seems appropriate to me that Mapplethorpe's perverse images should be
situated so close to Congress, which perpetuates a number of unnatural acts
upon the body politic every day, without benefit of artificial lubrication
or foreplay.
	-- Pat Calafia's review of Camille Paglia's
	   "Sex, Art and American Culture"
%
It's easier to be a liberal a long way from home.
		-- Don Price
%
It's our fault.  We should have given him better parts.
		-- Jack Warner, on hearing that Reagan had been
		   elected governor of California.

[Warner is also reported to have said, when told of Reagan's candidacy
for governor, "No, Jimmy Stewart for Governor; Reagan for best friend."]
%
Jimmy Carter, Ted Kennedy, Gary Hart, Joseph Biden and Michael Dukakis were
on a cruise down the Potomac when the ship struck a rock and began to sink.
	"Gentlemen," Carter said, "as good Christians, we should let the
women and children aboard the lifeboats first."
	"Fuck the women!" Kennedy shouted.
	"Do we have time?" Hart asked.
	"Do we have time?" Biden asked.
	"Did everyone hear that?" Dukakis asked.
%
John Birch Society -- that pathetic manifestation of organized apoplexy.
		-- Edward P. Morgan
%
Justice is incidental to law and order.
		-- J. Edgar Hoover
%
Laissez Faire Economics is the theory that if each acts like a vulture,
all will end as doves.
%
Lansdale seized on the idea of using Nixon to build support for the
[Vietnamese] elections ... really honest elections, this time.  "Oh, sure,
honest, yes, that's right," Nixon said, "so long as you win!"  With that
he winked, drove his elbow into Lansdale's arm and slapped his own knee.
		-- Richard Nixon, quoted in "Sideshow" by W. Shawcross
%
Law enforcement officers should use only the minimum force necessary in
dealing with disorders when they arise.
		-- Richard M. Nixon
%
"Lemme show ya the odds, Sparky...  In yer country, ya got 14 million black
people, and 3 million white people.  Now, does the name `Custer' mean anything
to you?"
		-- Robin Williams, portraying Lester Maddox talking to Prime
		   Minister Botha of South Africa.
%
... Let me tell you who the actual "front-runners" are.  On one side,
you have George Bush, who is currently going through a sort of
fraternity hazing wherein he has to perform a series of humiliating
stunts to win the approval of the Republican Right.  For example, they
had him make a speech oozing praise all over William Loeb, deceased
publisher of the Manchester (N.H.) Union Leader and Slime Journalist.
Loeb had dumped viciously all over George in the 1980 New Hampshire
primary.  But when the Right held a big tribute for Loeb, George came
back to the fold, like a man with a bungee cord wrapped around his neck.
		-- Dave Barry, "The Twinkie and the Squid"
%
Let's talk about how to fill out your 1984 tax return.  Here's an often
overlooked accounting technique that can save you thousands of dollars: For
several days before you put it in the mail, carry your tax return around
under your armpit.  No IRS agent is going to want to spend hours poring over
a sweat-stained document.  So even if you owe money, you can put in for an
enormous refund and the agent will probably give it to you, just to avoid an
audit.  What does he care? It's not his money.
		-- Dave Barry, "Sweating Out Taxes"
%
Liberals are the first to dump you if you con them or get into
trouble.  Conservatives are better.  They never run out on you.
		-- Joseph "Crazy Joe" Gallo
%
	"Listen to what I say, not what I mean.  I mean ...."
		-- Mayor Daley
%
Long ago I proposed that unsuccessful candidates for the Presidency
be quietly hanged, as a matter of public sanitation and decorum.
The sight of their grief must have a very evil effect upon the young.
		-- H. L. Mencken, "A Carnival of Buncombe"
%
Mayor Vincent J. `Buddy' Cianci on the ACLU's suit to have a city
nativity scene removed:
	"They're just jealous because they don't have three wise men
and a virgin in the whole organization."
%
Millions of sensible people are too high-minded to concede that politics is
almost always the choice of the lesser evil.  "Tweedledum and Tweedledee,"
they say.  "I will not vote."  Having abstained, they are presented with a
President who appoints the people who are going to rummage around in their
lives for the next four years.  Consider all the people who sat home in a
stew in 1968 rather than vote for Hubert Humphrey.  They showed Humphrey.
Those people who taught Hubert Humphrey a lesson will still be enjoying the
Nixon Supreme Court when Tricia and Julie begin to find silver threads among
the gold and the black.
		-- Russel Baker, "Ford without Flummery"
%
More people died at Chappaquidick than at 3-mile island.
%
More people have died in Ted Kennedy's car than in nuclear power plants.
%
"Most legislators are so dumb that they couldn't pour piss out of a
boot if the instructions were printed on the heel."
%
Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be President, but they don't want
them to become politicians in the process.
		-- John F. Kennedy
%
My advice to the women's clubs of America is to raise more hell and fewer
dahlias.
		-- William Allen White
%
My rackets are run on strictly American lines, and they're going to
stay that way.
		-- Al Capone
%
Nancy Reagan wants to divorce old Ron... seems he's making it hard for
everyone but her.
%
Naturally the common people don't want war... but after all it is the leaders
of a country who determine the policy, and it is always a simple matter to
drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship,
or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship.  Voice or no voice, the people
can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders.  That is easy.  All you
have to do is tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists
for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger.  It works the same
in every country.
		-- Hermann Goering
%
New book out from Gary Hart; "Six Inches from the White House".
%
Ninety percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad reputation.
		-- Henry Kissinger
%
No Marxist can deny that the interests of socialism are higher than the
interests of the right of nations to self-determination.
		-- Lenin, 1918
%
No television performance takes as much preparation as an off-the-cuff talk.
		-- Richard Nixon
%
[Nuclear war] ... may not be desirable.
		-- Edwin Meese III
%
Oh, my friend, it is not what they take away from you that counts --
it's what you do with what you have left.
		-- Hubert H. Humphrey
%
Once at a social gathering, Gladstone said to Disraeli, "I predict, Sir, that
you will die either by hanging or of some vile disease."  Disraeli replied,
"That all depends upon whether I embrace your principles or your mistress."
%
One day an elderly Jewish Pole, living in Warsaw, finds an old lamp in his
attic.  He starts to polish it and (poof!) a genie appears in cloud of smoke.
	"Greetings, Mortal!" exclaims the genie, stretching and yawning, "For
releasing me I will grant you three wishes."
	The old man thinks for a moment, then replies, "I want Genghis Khan
resurrected.  I want him to re-unite the Mongol hordes, march to the Polish
border, decide he doesn't want to invade, and march back home."
	"No sooner said than done!" thunders the genie.  "Your second wish?"
	"Hmmmm.  I want Genghis Khan resurrected.  I want him to re-unite the
Mongol hordes, march to the Polish border, decide he doesn't want to invade,
and march back home."
	"But...  well, all right!  Your third wish?"
	"I want Genghis Khan resurrected.  I want him to re-unite his ---"
	"OKOKOKOK!  Right.  Got it.  Why do you want Genghis Khan to march
to Poland three times and never invade?"
	The old man smiles.  "He has to pass through Russia six times."
%
One day President Reagan, Chairman Andropov, the Pope, and a boy scout
were flying together in an airplane.  Right out in the middle of nowhere
the plane developed engine trouble and started to go down. Unfortunately,
only three parachutes could be found for the four passengers!  Andropov
grabbed one of the parachutes and declared "Comrades, as leader of the
socialist workers revolution, my life must be spared," and he jumped out
of the plane.  Then Reagan exclaimed "As leader of the greatest nation on
earth, I must keep the world safe for democracy," and with that he too
jumped to safety.  Now if you are following all this (or counting on your
fingers) you must see that there is only one parachute left for the two
remaining passengers.  The Pope looked kindly upon the boy scout and said
"I have had a long and productive life, my son.  You take the parachute
and leave me in God's hands." "That's very kind of you," the observant
scout replied, "but there is no need.  Reagan just jumped out with my
knapsack."
%
"One Saturday afternoon, during the campaign to decide whether or not
there should be a Coastal Commission, I took a helicopter ride from Los
Angeles to San Diego.  We passed several state beaches, some crowded and
some virtually empty.  They had the same facilities, and in some cases
the crowded and the empty beach were within a quarter mile of each other.
Obviously many beach-goers prefer to be crowded together. Buying more
beaches that people won't go to because they prefer to be crowded
together on one beach is a ridiculous waste of our natural resources and
our taxes."
		-- Ronald Reagan
%
"Our government has kept us in a perpetual state of fear -- kept us in
a continuous stampede of patriotic fervor -- with the cry of grave
national emergency... Always there has been some terrible evil to
gobble us up if we did not blindly rally behind it  by furnishing the
exorbitant sums demanded.  Yet, in retrospect, these disasters seem
never to have happened, seem never to have been quite real."
		-- General Douglas MacArthur, 1957
%
Our parents were of Midwestern stock and very strict.  They didn't want us
to grow up to be spoiled and rich.  If we left our tennis racquets in the
rain, we were punished.
		-- Nancy Ellis (George Bush's sister), in the New Republic
%
Over 5,000 years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel,
	"Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and load your camels,
and I will lead you to the promised land."
	Not too long ago, Roosevelt said, "Lay down your shovels, sit on
your asses, light a Camel, this is the promised land."
	Now Nixon is stealing your shovels, kicking your asses, raising
the price of Camels, and mortgaging the promised land.
%
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession.  I have come to
realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
		-- Ronald Reagan
%
President Thieu says he'll quit if he doesn't get more than 50% of the
vote.  In a democracy, that's not called quitting.
		-- The Washington Post
%
[Prime Minister Joseph] Chamberlain loves the working man -- he loves
to see him work.
		-- Winston Churchill
%
"Queensboro president Donald Mannis, charged with receiving bribes in
exchange for city contracts, resigned on Tuesday.  Mannis feels he must
devote more time to impending litigation, some of which might emanate
from a recent statement he made comparing New York Mayor Ed Koch to
Nazi Martin Bormann.  A spokesman from the Bormann estate said they are
weighing the odds of a slander suit.  Mayor Koch could naturally be
reached for comment, but we chose not to listen."
		-- Dennis Miller, "Saturday Night Live"
%
Reagan can't ___act either.
%
REPORTER: Senator, are you for or against the MX missile system?

SENATOR: Bob, the MX missile system reminds me of an old saying that the
country folk in my state like to say.  It goes like this: "You can carry a
pig for six miles, but if you set it down it might run away." I have no idea
why the country folk say this.  Maybe there's some kind of chemical
pollutant in their drinking water.  That is why I pledge to do all that I
can to protect the environment of this great nation of ours, and put prayer
back in the schools, where it belongs.  What we need is jobs, not empty
promises.  I realize I'm risking my political career be being so outspoken
on a sensitive issue such as the MX, but that's just the kind of
straight-talking honest person I am, and I can't help it.
		-- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
%
Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in this
country.  The remainder is thrown out.
%
Republicans raise dahlias, Dalmatians and eyebrows.
Democrats raise Airedales, kids and taxes.

Democrats eat the fish they catch.
Republicans hang them on the wall.

Republican boys date Democratic girls.  They plan to marry
Republican girls, but feel they're entitled to a little fun first.

Democrats make up plans and then do something else.
Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made.

Republicans consume three-fourths of the rutabaga produced in the USA.
The remainder is thrown out.

Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although there is seldom
any reason why they should.  Democrats ought to, but don't.

Republicans sleep in twin beds -- some even in separate rooms.
That is why there are more Democrats.
		-- Paul Dickson, "The Official Rules"
%
Richard Nixon was the most dishonest individual I have ever met in my life.
He lied to his wife, his family, his friends, his colleagues in the Congress,
lifetime members of his own political party, the American people, and
the world.
		-- Senator Barry Goldwater
%
	Robert Kennedy's 1964 Senatorial campaign planners told him that
their intention was to present him to the television viewers as a sincere,
generous person.  "You going to use a double?" asked Kennedy.

	Thumbing through a promotional pamphlet prepared for his 1964
Senatorial campaign, Robert Kennedy came across a photograph of himself
shaking hands with a well-known labor leader.
	"There must be a better photo that this," said Kennedy to the
advertising men in charge of his campaign.
	"What's wrong with this one?" asked one adman.
	"That fellow's in jail," said Kennedy.
		-- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
%
Ronald Reagan -- America's favorite placebo
%
Russia has abolished God, but so far God has been more tolerant.
		-- John Cameron Swayze
%
SAGDEEV CALLED ON THE U.S. TO MAKE A RECIPROCAL GESTURE:

	In a recent speech in London, the irrepressible former head of the
Soviet Space Research Institute noted that the Soviet Government has offered
to convert its gigantic Krasnoyarsk radar in Siberia into an international
space research facility in response to U.S. complaints that the radar would
violate the ABM treaty.  Sagdeev suggested that the U.S. reciprocate by
turning the unfinished U.S. embassy in Moscow into a nuclear crisis reduction
center.  The communication system, he pointed out, is already in place.

	[The construction contract for the US Embassy in Moscow was--stupidly
	 --offered for bid to Russians (the Soviet embassy in Washington was
	 built by workers brought in from the USSR for the purpose).  It should
	 have been no surprise that every support beam had surveillance
	 equipment embedded in it at the factory.  The US *acted* surprised,
	 when this eventually came to light.]
%
Seems to me that both the Democrats and the Republicans should change their
symbols to a contraceptive device; it stands for inflation, inhibits
production, protects a bunch of pricks and gives everyone a false sense of
security while they're being screwed.
%
Sen. Danforth:  "There is nothing on the face of the album which would
		notify you if the record has pornographics material or
		material glorifying violence?"
Tipper Gore:    "No, there is nothing that would suggest that to me."
Frank Zappa:    "I would say that a buzz saw blade between the guy's legs on
		the album cover is good indication that it's not for little
		Johnny."

		-- The Senate Commerce Committee hearing on rock
		   lyrics, from The Village Voice, 6 Oct 1985
%
Senor Castro has been accused of communist sympathies, but this means very
little since all opponents of the regime are automatically called communists.
In fact he is further to the right than General Batista.
		-- "Cuba's Rightist Rebel", The Economist, April 26, 1958
%
She hates testicles, thus limiting the men she can admire to Democratic
candidates for president.
		-- John Greenway, "The American Tradition", on feminist
		   Elizabeth Gould Davis
%
Sink or Swim with Teddy!
%
Sometimes, at the end of the day, when I'm smiling and shaking their hands,
I want to kick them.
		-- Richard M. Nixon
%
Sooner or later, generals will own you.
%
Stalin was dying, and summoned Khruschev to his bedside.  Wheezing his last
words with difficulty, Stalin tells Khruschev, "The reins of the country are
now in your hands.  But before I go, I want to give you some advice."
	"Yes, yes, what is it?" says Khruschev, impatiently.  Reaching under
his pillow, Stalin produced two envelopes labeled #1 and #2.
	"Take these letters," he tells Khruschev. "Keep them safely -- don't
open them.  Only if the country is in turmoil and things aren't going well,
open the first one.  That'll give you some advice on what to do.  And, if
after that, if things start getting REALLY bad, open the second one."  And
with a gasp Stalin breathed his last.
	Well, within a few years Khruschev started having problems --
unemployment increased, crops failed, people became restless.  He decided it
was time to open the first letter.  All it said was: "Blame everything on me!"
So Khruschev launched a massive deStalinization campaign, and blamed Stalin
for all the excesses and purges and ills of the present system.
	But things continued on the downslide, and, finally, after much
deliberation, Khruschev opened the second letter.
	All it said was: "Write two letters."
%
Success is the sole earthly judge of right and wrong.
		-- Adolph Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
%
Support the right of unborn males to bear arms!
		-- A public service announcement from Phyllis Schlafly,
		   the Catholic Church, and the National Rifle Association
%
Sure there are dishonest men in local government.  But there are dishonest
men in national government too.
		-- Richard M. Nixon
%
Sure, Reagan has promised to take senility tests.  But what if he forgets?
%
"Taxes should hurt.  I just mailed my own tax return last night and I
am prepared to say `ouch!' as loud as anyone."
		-- Ronald Reagan
%
Teddy Kennedy:	A Blonde in Every Pond!
%
Thank God I've always avoided persecuting my enemies.
		-- Adolf Hitler
%
That segment of the community with which one has the greatest sympathy as
a liberal, inevitably turns out to be one of the most narrow-minded and
bigoted segments of the community.
%
The American system of ours, call it Americanism, call it Capitalism,
call it what you like, gives each and every one of us a great
opportunity if we only seize it with both hands and make the most of it.
		-- Al Capone
%
The arms business is founded on human folly, that is why its depths will
never be plumbed and why it will go on forever.  All weapons are defensive
and all spare parts are non-lethal.  The plainest print cannot be read
through a solid gold sovereign, or a ruble or a golden eagle.
		-- Sam Cummings, American arms dealer
%
The Army has carried the American ... ideal to its logical conclusion.
Not only do they prohibit discrimination on the grounds of race, creed
and color, but also on ability.
		-- Tom Lehrer
%
"The Army is a place where you get up early in the morning to be yelled
at by people with short haircuts and tiny brains."
		-- Dave Barry
%
The broad mass of a nation... will more easily fall victim to a big lie
than to a small one.
		-- Adolf Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
%
The conservation movement is a breeding ground of Communists and other
subversives.  We intend to clean them out, even if it means rounding up
every bird watcher in the country.
		-- John Mitchell, Atty. General 1969-1972
%
The cry has been that when war is declared, all opposition should therefore
be hushed.  A sentiment more unworthy of a free country could hardly be
propagated.  If the doctrine be admitted, rulers have only to declare war
and they are screened at once from scrutiny. ...  In war, then, as in peace,
assert the freedom of speech and of the press.  Cling to this as the bulwark
of all our rights and privileges.
		-- William Ellery Channing
%
The dangerous Lego Bomb, which targets shag rugs and scatters pieces of
plastic that hurt like hell when you step on them is banned entirely....
Hiring David Copperfield to pretend to saw the missiles in half will not
be permitted...  In order to reduce risk of accidental war, both sides
agree to ban the popular but dangerous 'Simon Says' training drill at
nuclear launch sites...  Under no circumstances will either side reveal
that it hammered out the treaty in one afternoon, but spent the last nine
years arguing the Monty Hall and the three doors problem.
		-- Little known provisions of the START treaty by James Lileks
%
The difference between a misfortune and a calamity?  If Gladstone fell into
the Thames, it would be a misfortune.  But if someone dragged him out again,
it would be a calamity.
		-- Benjamin Disraeli
%
The entire work force of the Communist countries is subjected to periodic
purges (called verifications in Newspeak).  One of the most severe took
place in 1957 when Novotny, rattled by the Hungarian Revolution the year
before, tried hard to weed out "radishes" (red outside, white inside) from
all but insignificant positions.  Any one of the following would often
result in the loss of one's job:  Bourgeois or Jewish family background,
relatives abroad, contacts with former capitalists, having lived in a
Western country, insufficient knowledge of Communist literature, and others.

	A man is interviewed by a "Verification Committee."
	"What kind of family do you come from?"
	"A rich, Jewish family."
	"And your wife?"
	"A German aristocrat."
	"Have you ever been to the West?"
	"I spent most of my life in England."
	"How did you make a living there?"
	"A friend supported me."
	"Where did you get the money from?"
	"He owned a textile factory."
	"Who was Lenin?"
	"Never heard of him."
	"What is your name?"
	"Karl Marx."
%
The fact that Hitler was a political genius unmasks the nature of politics
in general as no other can.
		-- Wilhelm Reich
%
The feminist agenda is not about equal rights for women. It is about a
socialist, anti-family political movement that encourages women to leave
their husbands, kill their children, practice witchcraft, destroy
capitalism and become lesbians.
		-- Pat Robertson, Man of God and serious Republican
		   presidential aspirant, in a letter to supporters.
%
The government [is] extremely fond of amassing great quantities of statistics.
These are raised to the nth degree, the cube roots are extracted, and the
results are arranged into elaborate and impressive displays.  What must be
kept ever in mind, however, is that in every case, the figures are first put
down by a village watchman, and he puts down anything he damn well pleases.
		-- Sir Josiah Stamp
%
The government of the United States is not in any sense founded on the
Christian Religion.
		-- George Washington
%
The great nations have always acted like gangsters and the small nations
like prostitutes.
		-- Stanley Kubrick
%
The illegal we do immediately.  The unconstitutional takes a little longer.
		-- Henry Kissinger
%
The language of politics is poetry, not prose.  Jackson is poetry.
Cuomo is poetry.  Dukakis is a word processor.
		-- Richard M. Nixon, on Meet the Press, April, 1988
%
The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them.
		-- Lenny Bruce
%
The local minister noticed a little girl standing outside of his
door with a basket of kittens.
	"Hello, little girl, what do you have there?"
	"These are my Democratic kittens," she replied.
Amused, the pastor said nothing.  Two weeks later he saw the same little
girl with (apparently) the same basket of kittens.
	"My, I see you still have your Democratic kittens.", he said.
	"No, you see, these are Republican kittens," she answered.
	"Two weeks ago they were Democratic kittens," he replied, puzzled.
	"Two weeks ago they had their eyes closed."
%
The longer I am out of office, the more infallible I appear to myself.
		-- Henry Kissinger
%
The marriage of Marxism and feminism has been like the marriage of
husband and wife depicted in English common law: Marxism and feminism
are one, and that one is marxism.
		-- Heidi Hartmann, "The Unhappy Marriage of Marxism
		   and Feminism"
%
[The members of the Chamberlain government] are decided only to be undecided,
resolved to be irresolute, adamant for drift, all-powerful for impotency.
		-- Winston Churchill
%
The Moscow Evening News advertised a contest for the best political joke.
First prize was ten years in prison; second prize, five years; third prize,
three years; and there were six honorable mentions of one year each.
%
The most recent attempt to revive the moribund campus left, a national
conference held at Rutgers University February 5-7, ended when the
participants decided that they were too racist to found a new national
organization.
	The stated goal of the conference was the formation of a national
organization that would "give expression to a shared consciousness."  The
orientation materials declared that this was "a historic moment" -- you
know, like Port Huron and the Sixties -- and the Rutgers host committee had
every reason to expect their goal would be accomplished.
	But it was not to be.  Given that this was a conference of *New*
New Leftists, reason had nothing to do with it.
	A revealing article by Vania del Borgo and Maria Margaronis in "The
Nation", ["Beyond the Fragments," 3/26/88] says "The defining moment of the
weekend came when the conference was almost at its end.  On Sunday morning,
a twenty-five-member students of color caucus confronted the assembled body
with its overwhelming whiteness..."  Joined by the Gay & Bisexual Caucus, the
Students of Color Caucus declared that the founding of such an overwhelmingly
white organization would itself constitute a racist act.  The four hundred or
so leftist activists were told that they had no right to ratify a constitution
or elect any officers.  While recognizing "the need to examine the real
possibilities of a broad-based, racially diverse student movement" and paying
lip service to the need for "dialogue," they threatened to walk out if their
demands were not met.  As *The Nation* article describes the scene:  "To their
astonishment, their intervention was greeted with a standing ovation." Handed
an ultimatum which demanded that they disband, this would-be successor to the
radical student movements of the Sixties promptly voted itself out of
existence.  As del Borgo and Margaronis put it, "After much chaotic discussion
and a confused voice vote, the convention suspended all its other work and
broke into regional groups to discuss 'outreach.'"
		-- Libertarian Agenda, May 1988
%
THE MX IS GOOD FOR THE ECONOMY.  One important reason we have a Defense
Department is that when we give it money, it spends it, which creates
jobs, whereas if we left the money in the hands of civilians, we don't
know what they'd do with it.  Probably put it in open trenches and set
it on fire.  The MX will create an especially large number of jobs
because of the number of warheads it carries.  It carries a total of 10
warheads.  This creates a great deal of employment, because you have
your Warhead Makers, your Warhead Lifters, your Persons Who Tap the
Warheads Gently with Rubber Mallets to Wedge Them All Snugly Into the
Nose Cone, your Persons Who Just Walk Around Playing Soothing Cassettes
by Recording Artists such as Perry Como So We Don't Have Any More
Episodes Where a Worker Who is Experiencing Some Strain Sticks a
Warhead in the Employee Cafeteria Microwave and Sets It On Roast, etc.
We are talking about a lot of jobs.
		-- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
		   Political Fallout"
%
The notion that the church, the press, and the universities should serve
the state is essentially a Communist notion ... In a free society these
institutions must be wholly free -- which is to say that their function
is to serve as checks upon the state.
		-- Alan Barth
%
The only way I can lose this election is if I'm caught in
bed with a dead girl or a live boy.
		-- Edwin Edwards, Louisiana governor
%
	"The policeman isn't there to create disorder.  The policeman is
there to ________preserve disorder."
		-- Mayor Daley
%
The problem with me is that I am fifty or one hundred years ahead of my
time.  My speed is very fast.  Some ministers have had to drop out of my
government because they could not keep up.
		-- Idi Amin Dada
%
The problems with "Medflies" may have hurt Jerry Brown's chances to become a
Senator.  After all, if they won't allow California fruit out of the state,
how is Brown going to get to Washington?
%
The reason we need the MX missile system is that the missiles we
currently have in the ground are the Minuteman model, which is very old.
The Defense Department can't even remember where half of them are.
Insects have built nests in them.  People have built houses directly over
the silos.  What this means, of course, is that if we ever needed them to
help obliterate all human life on the planet, they could be a real
embarrassment.  I mean, maybe YOU'RE comfortable with the prospect of
missiles that are supposed to represent you barging over the North Pole
trailing shreds of polyester carpeting from some recreation room in South
Dakota, but your strategic defense planners are not.
		-- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
		   Political Fallout"
%
The reasons that each of these countries has had to renege on its
financial committments were all somewhat different: Argentina because of
a war, Poland because of its vast misguided overinvestment in heavy
industry, Honduras because the coffee price went sour, Zaire because
nobody in the government there has a clue as to how to run a country.
		-- Paul Erdman's Money Book
%
The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be
taken seriously.
		-- Hubert Humphrey
%
The right to be let alone is indeed the beginning of all freedom.
		-- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas
%
The right to revolt has sources deep in our history.
		-- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas
%
The rights you have are the rights given you by this Committee [the
House Un-American Activities Committee].  We will determine what rights
you have and what rights you have not got.
		-- J. Parnell Thomas
%
The Russians have put a small ball up in the air.  That does not raise my
apprehensions one iota.
		-- Dwight D. Eisenhower
%
"The State of California has no business subsidizing intellectual curiosity."
		-- Ronald Reagan
%
The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people who make them unsafe.
		-- Mayor Frank Rizzo
%
The superpowers often behave like two heavily armed blind men feeling
their way around a room, each believing himself in mortal peril from the
other, whom he assumes to have perfect vision.  Each tends to ascribe to
the other side a consistency, forsight and coherence that its own
experience belies.  Of course, even two blind men can do enormous damage
to each other, not to speak of the room.
		-- Henry Kissinger
%
The thought of being President frightens me and I do not think I want the job.
		-- Ronald Reagan in 1973

Reagan won because he ran against Jimmy Carter.  Had he run unopposed he
would have lost.
		-- Mort Sahl

Ronald Reagan is a triumph of the embalmer's art.
		-- Gore Vidal

Ronald Reagan's platform seems to be: Hey, I'm a big good-looking guy and
I need a lot of sleep.
		-- Roy G. Blount, Jr.

You've got to be careful quoting Ronald Reagan, because when you quote him
accurately it's called mudslinging.
		-- Walter Mondale
%
The United States also has its native Fascists who say that they are
"100 percent American" ...
		-- U. S. Army (1945)
%
The very first essential for success is a perpetually constant and regular
employment of violence.
		-- Adolph Hitler, "Mein Kampf"
%
The VFW represents many who died to give this country a second chance
to make it what it is supposed to be -- God's guest house on earth.
		-- John Wayne
%
"The voters have spoken, the bastards ..."
%
The War on Drugs is just a small part of the War on the United States
Constitution.
%
The warning message we sent the Russians was a calculated ambiguity that
would be clearly understood.
		-- Alexander Haig
%
There are also a lot of nice buildings in Haiphong.  What their
contributions are to the war effort I don't know, but the desire to
bomb a virgin building is terrific.
		-- Commander Henry Urban Jr.
%
There are in this country two very large monopolies.  The larger of the
two has the following record:  The Vietnam War, Watergate, double-digit
inflation, fuel and energy shortages, bankrupt airlines, and the 8-cent
postcard.  The second is responsible for such things as the transistor,
the solar cell, lasers, synthetic crystals, high fidelity stereo recording,
sound motion pictures, radio astronomy, negative feedback, magnetic tape,
magnetic "bubbles", electronic switching systems, microwave radio and TV
relay systems, information theory, the first electrical digital computer,
and the first communications satellite.  Guess which one is going to tell the
other how to run the telephone business?  I can hardly wait for the results.
%
There are revolutions that are sweeping the world and we in America have
been in a position of trying to stop them.  With all the wealth of
America, with all of the military strength of America, those revolutions
are revolutions against a form of political and economic organization in
the countries of Asia and the Middle East that are oppressive.  They are
revolutions against feudalism.  [1952]
		-- Supreme Court Justice William O. Douglas
%
There is a new anti-communist organization that advocates the use of
wooden toilet seats.

It's called the Birch John Society.
%
There is a road to freedom.  Its milestones are Obedience, Endeavor, Honesty,
Order, Cleanliness, Sobriety, Truthfulness, Sacrifice, and love of the
Fatherland.
		-- Adolf Hitler
%
There was a man who, every day, would buy a newspaper on the way to work,
glance at the headline, and hand it back to the newsboy.  Day after day the
man would go through this routine.  Finally the newsboy could not stand it
and he asked the man, "Why do you always buy a paper and only look at the
front page before discarding it?"
	The man replied, "I am only interested in the obituaries."
	"But they are on page 21.  You never even unfold the newspaper."
	"Young man," he replied, "the son-of-a-bitch I'm looking for will
be on the front page."
		-- Attributed to FDR.
%
There was a plane crash over mid-ocean, and only three survivors were left
in the life-raft: the Pope, the President, and Mayor Daley. Unfortunately,
it was a one-man life-raft, and quickly sinking, so they started debating
who should be allowed to stay.

The Pope pointed out that he was the spiritual leader of millions all over
the world, the President explained that if he died then America would be
stuck with the Vice-President, and so forth.  Then Mayor Daley said, "Look!
We're not solving anything like this!  The only fair thing to do is to vote
on it." So they did, and Mayor Daley won by 97 votes.
%
There was a young man hitchiking along a road one day.  A car stopped and the
driver opened the door and asked, "What political party are you with?"
	He replied, "Why, I'm a Democrat."
	And the driver slammed the door and rode off.  The guy was pretty
discouraged when another car came along, and the driver asked the same
question.
	The guy answered, "Uh, I'm a Democrat."
	And again, the driver slammed the door and rode off.  Now he was
downright confused when another car came along.  The driver was an attractive
lady, and she asked the same question.
	He answered: "I'm a Republican."
	And she answered, "Well, then, hop on in."
	They drove on for a few minutes when he began to notice that her
skirt was beginning to get hiked up on her thighs.  Finally, he couldn't take
it any more, and said "Ma'am, stop the car and let me out.  I've only been
a Republican for 15 minutes, and already I feel like screwing someone!"
%
"There was only six Democrats in all of Hinsdale County and you, you son of
a bitch, you ate five of them."
		-- Colorado judge, sentencing Alfred E. Packer for
		   cannibalism in 1874.
%
These activities have their own rules and methods of concealment which
seek to mislead and obscure.
		-- Dwight D. Eisenhower, 1960
%
They say it's the responsibility of the media to look at government --
especially the president -- with a microscope.  I don't argue with that,
but when they use a proctoscope, it's going too far.
		-- Richard Nixon
%
This Czech walks into police station in 1968 during the Fraternal Assistance.
Czech:	Hey, out there in the street, a Swiss soldier knocked me down and
	took my Russian watch.
Desk Sergeant:	Come again?
Czech:	Right out there in the street, a Swiss soldier knocked me down and
	took my Russian watch.
DS:	You're confused.   Why would there be a Swiss soldier here?  And who
	would want to own a Russian watch?  It was a Russian soldier who
	knocked you down and took your Swiss watch, right?
Czech:	Well, maybe, but you said it, not me.
%
Those who make peaceful revolution impossible will make violent revolution
inevitable.
		-- John Fitzgerald Kennedy
%
Three things have been difficult to tame: The oceans, fools,
and women. We may soon be able to tame the ocean.  Fools and
women will take a little longer.
		-- Spiro Agnew
%
Tip O'Neill is just like Congress; old, fat and out of control.
		-- J. LeBoutillier
%
"To be responsive at this time, though I will simply say, and therefore this
is a repeat of what I said previously, that which I am unable to offer in
response is based on information available to make no such statement."
%
To defend the Saigon regime is not worth one more human life.
		-- Senator Edmund Muskie
%
To jaw-jaw is better than to war-war.
		-- W. Churchill, on Korean War negotiations
%
To the best of my recollection, Senator, I can't recall.
%
To Theodore Roosevelt:
	You are like the Wind and I like the Lion.  You form the Tempest.
The sand stings my eyes and the Ground is parched.  I roar in defiance but
you do not hear.  But between us there is a difference.  I, like the lion,
must remain in my place.  While you, like the wind, will never know yours.
		Mulay Hamid El Raisuli
		Lord of the Riff
		Sultan to the Berbers
		Last of the Barbary Pirates
%
Tom Hayden is the kind of politician who gives opportunism a bad name.
		-- Gore Vidal
%
Uncle Sam comes off as the perverted relative who'll offer you a
bit of candy, but if you won't bend over for him, you get a beating.
%
"Under capitalism, man exploits man.  Under Communism, it's just the opposite."
		-- John Kenneth Galbraith
%
Uppers are no longer stylish, methedrine is almost as rare as pure acid
or DMT.  "Consciousness Expansion" went out with LBJ and it is worth
noting, historically, that downers came in with Nixon.
		-- Dr. Hunter S. Thompson
%
Useful Farsi phrases for Americans traveling to Iran:

AKBAR KHALI-KILI HAFTIR LOTFAN.
	Thank you for showing me your marvelous gun.

FEKR GABUL CARDAN DAVAT PAEH GUSH DIVAR.
	I am delighted to accept your kind invitation to lie down
	on the floor with my arms above my head and my legs apart.

SHOMAEH FEKR TAMOMEH QEH GOFTEH BANDE.
	I agree with everything you have ever said or thought in your life.
%
Useful Farsi phrases for Americans traveling to Iran:

AUTO ARRAREGH DAVATEMAN MANO SEPAHEH-HAST.
	It is exceptionally kind of you to allow me to
	travel in the trunk of your car.

FASHAL-EH TUPEHMAN NA DEGAT MANO
GOFTAM CHEESHAYEH MOHEMA RAJEBEH KESHVAREHMAN.
	If you will do me the kindness of not harming my genital
	appendages I will gladly reciprocate by betraying my
	country in public.

KHREL, JEPAHEH MANEH VA JAYEH AMRIKAHEY.
	I will tell you the names and addresses of
	many American spies traveling as reporters.
%
Useful Farsi phrases for Americans traveling to Iran:

MAMNOUNAN GHORBAN IN DAFAYEH MEEMUNAM.
	It is with greatest pleasure that I sign
	this confession of capital crimes.

MATERNIER GHERMEZ AHLIEH, GHORBAN.
	The red blindfold would be lovely, excellency.

TIKEH NUNEH BA OB KHRELEH BEZORG VA KHRUBE BOYAST INO BEGERAM.
	The water-soaked bread crumbs are delicious, thank you.
	I must have the recipe.

ETEHFOR'AN, DEHRATEE, OTAGEH SHOMA MIKRASTAM KHE
DO HAFTAEH BA BODANEH SHEEREEL TEEGZ.
	Truly, I would rather be a hostage to your greatly esteemed
	self than spend a fortnight upon the person of Cheryl Tiegs.
%
	Vice-President Hubert Humphrey's loquacity is legendary, and Barry
Goldwater notes that "Hubert has been clocked at 275 words a minute with gusts
up to 340."

	On the campaign trail during 1964, Republican nominee Barry Goldwater
stated, "The immediate task before us is to cut the Federal Government down
to size... we must take Lyndon's credit card away from him."

	A favorite 1964 campaign stunt of Barry Goldwater's was to poke a
finger through a pair of lensless blackrimmed glasses, saying, "These glasses
are just like [Lyndon Johnson's] programs.  They look good but they don't
work."
		-- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
%
Vote early and vote often.
		-- Al Capone's slogan for Big Bill Thompson's anti-reform
		   campaign for Mayor of Chicago, 1926.  Big Bill won.
%
Vote for ME -- I'm well-tapered, half-cocked, ill-conceived and TAX-DEFERRED!
%
Waldheimer's disease is what you have when you can't remember you were a Nazi.
%
Washington [D.C.] is a city of Southern efficiency and Northern charm.
		-- John F. Kennedy
%
Washington, D.C.   Wasting your money since 1810.
%
We are going to give a little something, a few little years more, to
socialism, because socialism is defunct.  It dies all by itself.  The bad
thing is that socialism, being a victim of its ... Did I say socialism?
		-- Fidel Castro
%
We are going to have peace even if we have to fight for it.
		-- Dwight D. Eisenhower
%
We are the unwilling... led by the unqualified... to do the unnecessary...
for the ungrateful...
		-- GI in Vietnam, 1970
%
We are upping our standards ... so up yours.
		-- Pat Paulsen for President
%
We cannot put the face of a person on a stamp unless said person is deceased.
My suggestion, therefore, is that you drop dead.
		-- James E. Day, Postmaster General
%
We could do that, but it would be wrong, that's for sure.
		-- Richard Nixon
%
We could nuke Baghdad into glass, wipe it with Windex, tie fatback on our
feet and go skating.
		-- Fred Reed, Air Force Times columnist.
%
We don't have to protect the environment -- the Second Coming is at hand.
		-- James Watt, noted ecologist
%
We have gone on piling weapon upon weapon, missile upon missile, new
levels of destructiveness upon old ones.  We have done this helplessly,
almost involuntarily: like the victims of some sort of hypnotism, like
men in a dream, like lemmings heading for the sea, like the children of
Hamelin marching blindly along behind their Pied Piper.  And the result
is that today we have achieved, we and the Russians together, in the
creation of these devices and their means of delivery, levels of
redundancy of such grotesque dimensions as to defy rational understanding.
		-- George Kennan, May 19, 1981
%
We have no scorched earth policy.  We have a policy of scorched Communists.
		-- General Efrain Rios Montt, President of Guatemala, 1982
%
We must finish once and for all with the neutrality of chess.  We must condemn
once and for all the formula 'chess for the sake of chess,' like the formula
'art for art's sake.'  We must organize shock-brigades of chess-players, and
begin the immediate realization of a Five-Year Plan for chess.
		-- Nikolai V. Krylenko, People's Commissar for Justice
		   (of RFSFR, later of USSR), speaking at a 1932 Congress
		   of Chess Players, as quoted in Boris Souvarine's
		   "Stalin," published London, 1939
%
We must remember that in time of war what is said on the enemy's side of
the front is always propaganda and what is said on our side of the front
is truth and righteousness, the cause of humanity and a crusade for peace.
		-- Walter Lippmann
%
"We should declare war on North Vietnam.  We could pave the whole
country and put parking strips on it, and still be home by Christmas."
		-- Ronald Reagan
%
We should keep the Panama Canal.  After all, we stole it fair and square.
		-- S. I. Hayakawa
%
WE'RE GOING TO THROW THE MX AWAY AFTER WE BUILD IT.  The MX is really
[Don't tell anybody!] just a "bargaining chip" in the nuclear-arms-
reduction talks with the Russians.  See, we have a problem with the
Russians.  They look at our leaders and they see, for example, George
Bush, who is really a fine and brave man but who happens to have this
unfortunate physical characteristic whereby when he talks he sounds as
though he just inhaled a helium party balloon.  If he ever becomes
President, the Russians will deliberately create nuclear crises just so
they can gather around the Hot Line with refreshments and listen to
George talk.
		-- Dave Barry, "At Last, the Ultimate Deterrent Against
		   Political Fallout"
%
Well, here it is, 1983, so it won't be long before you start reading a lot
of boring stories about people like Vance Hartke.  Hartke is a governor or
mayor or something from one of the flatter states, and the reason you'll be
reading about him is that he's one of the 50 top contenders for the 1984
Democratic presidential nomination.  These men will spend the next 18 months
going around the country engaging in the most degrading activities
imaginable, such as wearing idiot hats and appearing on "Meet the Press."
"Meet the Press" is one of those Sunday morning public interest shows that
the public is not the least bit interested in.  It features a panel of
reporters who ask questions of a guest politician, who wins an Amana home
freezer if he can get through the entire show without answering a single
question ...
		-- Dave Barry, "On Presidential Politics"
%
Well, I would -- if they realized that we -- again if -- if we led them
back to that stalemate only because our retaliatory power, our seconds,
or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive they
they couldn't afford it, that would hold them off.
		-- President Ronald Reagan, on the MX missile
%
What did Mickey Mouse get for Christmas?

A Dan Quayle watch.
%
What is the difficulty with writing a PDP-8 program to emulate Jerry Ford?

Figuring out what to do with the other 3K.
%
What is truth?  We must adopt a pragmatic definition: it is what is believed
to be the truth.  A lie that is put across therefore becomes the truth and
may, therefore, be justified.  The difficulty is to keep up lying... it is
simpler to tell the truth and if a sufficient emergency arises, to tell one,
big thumping lie that will then be believed.
		-- Ministry of Information, memo on the maintenance of
		   British civilian morale, 1939
%
What luck for the rulers that men do not think.
		-- Adolph Hitler
%
"When are you BUTTHEADS gonna learn that you can't oppose Gestapo tactics
*with* Gestapo tactics?"
		-- Reuben Flagg
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When democracy granted democratic methods to us in times of opposition, this
was bound to happen in a democratic system.  However, we National Socialists
never asserted that we represented a democratic point of view, but we have
declared openly that we used the democratic methods only to gain power and
that, after assuming the power, we would deny to our adversaries without any
consideration the means which were granted to us in times of our opposition.
		-- Josef Goebbels
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When I grow up, I want to be an honest lawyer so things like that can't happen.
		-- Richard Nixon as a boy (on the Teapot Dome scandal)
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When more and more people are thrown out of work, unemployment results.
		-- Calvin Coolidge
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When the President does it, that means it is not illegal.
		-- Richard Nixon
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	When, in 1964, New Hampshire Republican Senator Norris Cotton announced
his support of Bary Goldwater in his state's primary election, he was
questioned as to whether this indicated a change of his hitherto "liberal"
political views.
	"Well," explained Cotton, "it's like the New Hampshire farmer.  He was
driving along in his car one day with his wife beside him when his wife said,
'Why don't we sit closer together?  Before we were married, we always sat
closer together.'  The old farmer replied, 'I ain't moved.'"
	"I ain't moved," added Cotton.  "I found the trend of Government has
moved farther to the left."
		-- Bill Adler, "The Washington Wits"
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While passing a vacant lot late one night, a jogger was stopped by a man who
held a gun to his head.
	"Who are you for," the gunman snarled, "Bush or Dukakis?"
	The runner thought for a moment, shifting nervously from foot to foot,
as the muzzle pressed harder into his temple.
	"Bush or Dukakis?" the mugger insisted.
	Finally, the jogger shrugged his shoulders, closed his eyes and bowed
his head.  "Go ahead and shoot."
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"White House carpenters have reworked the master bedroom, remodeling it
so that Ronnie can sleep with his head in the hall.  That way, by the
time he wakes up, somebody will have already shined his hair."
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Who can take the demands of the SDS seriously?
		-- Nathan Pusey
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Within a month [in 1969] I had met the first of a small but not uninfluential
community of people who violently opposed SALT for a simple reason: It might
keep America from developing a first-strike capability against the Soviet
Union.  I'll never forget being lectured by an Air Force colonel about how
we should have "nuked" the Soviets in late 1940s before they got The Bomb.
I was told that if SALT would go away, we'd soon have the capability to nuke
them again -- and this time we'd use it.
		-- Roger Molander, former nuclear strategist for the
		   White House's National Security Council, Washington
		   Post, 21 March, 1982
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"Yes, that was Richard Nixon.  He used to be President.  When he left
the White House, the Secret Service would count the silverware."
		-- Woody Allen, "Sleeper"
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"You and I as individuals can, by borrowing, live beyond our means, but
only for a limited period of time.  Why should we think that collectively,
as a nation, we are not bound by that same limitation?"
		-- Ronald Reagan
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You buy a judge by weight, like iron in a junk yard.  A justice of the
peace or a magistrate can be had for a five-dollar bill.  In the
municipal courts, he will cost you ten.  In the circuit or superior
courts, he wants fifteen.  The state appellate courts or the state
supreme court is on a par with the Federal courts.  By the time a judge
reaches such courts, he is middle-aged, thick around the middle, fat
between the ears.  He's heavy.  You can't buy a Federal judge for less
than a twenty-dollar bill.
		-- Jake "Greasy Thumb" Guzik
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You can build a throne out of bayonets, but you can't sit on it for very long.
		-- Boris Yeltsin
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You can't depend on the man who made the mess to clean it up.
		-- Richard Nixon, 1952
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You can't underestimate the power of fear.
		-- Tricia Nixon
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You couldn't even prove the White House staff sane beyond a reasonable doubt.
		-- Ed Meese, on the Hinckley verdict
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You guys have been practicing discrimination for years.  Now it's our turn.
		-- Thurgood Marshall, quoted by Justice Douglas
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You know very well that whether you are on page one or page thirty depends
on whether [the press] fear you.  It is just as simple as that.
		-- Richard Nixon
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You need only reflect that one of the best ways to get yourself a reputation
as a dangerous citizen these days is to go about repeating the very phrases
which our founding fathers used in the struggle for independence.
		-- Charles A. Beard
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