A certain bartender decided to try to get a few new customers into his bar
by starting a gimmick involving a horse. His claim was that if anyone could
get the horse to laugh, he would give them drinks on the house. The idea
worked well and business improved until one night a young man walked in and
whispered in the horse's ear. The horse immediately burst into hysterical
laughter and the man won the contest. The next night the same thing
happened: the man whispered in the horse's ear and the horse burst out
laughing. The next night, the bartender decided to change the rules. Now,
a person had to get the horse to cry in order to win the drinks on the
house. Later on that night, the same guy came in and said "Can I take the
horse into the bathroom for a minute? I promise I'll make him cry." The
bartender agreed and sure enough, when the man came out leading the horse,
the horse was crying his eyes out. The bartender could take it no more and
said, "How did you make him laugh the other two nights?"
"I told him that my dick was bigger than his", replied the man.
"How did you make him cry tonight?"
"I proved it."
A child can go only so far in life without potty training. It is not
mere coincidence that six of the last seven presidents were potty
trained, not to mention nearly half of the nation's state legislators.
-- Dave Barry
A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus, and by
chance their seats were next to the elephant pen. When his father left
to buy popcorn, the boy piped up,
"Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?"
"That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied.
"No, not that."
"Oh, that's the elephant's tail."
"No, Mom. Down underneath."
His mother blushed and said, "Oh, that's nothing."
Pretty soon the father returned, and the mother went off to get
a soda. As soon as she had left the boy repeated his question.
"That's the elephant's trunk, son."
"Dad, I know what an elephant's trunk is. The thing at the
"Oh, that's the elephant's tail."
"No. Down there."
The father took a good look and explained, "That's the elephant's
"Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?"
The man took a deep breath and replied, "Son, I've *spoiled*
A cowboy, his horse and his dog were captured by hostile Indians.
This wasn't really a problem for the animals as the Indians can always use
them, but the cowboy is informed that he will be burned at the stake the
following sunrise. That evening, the Indian chief tells the cowboy that
he can one last wish, within reason, of course, before meeting his fate
the following morning. The cowboy replies that all he really wants is to
see his faithful dog, Rex, one last time. When the dog is brought by the
Indians, the cowboy hugs his companion and whispers something into his ear.
At once the dog runs off over the hill. Amazingly enough, a few hours later,
he returns, accompanied by some two dozen prostitutes from a nearby town.
Needless to say, the braves are delighted and as a reward offer the cowboy
his dog to keep him company through the rest of the night. When the dog is
brought forth the cowboy again runs his hand over Rex's head and then bends
down to whisper into his ear: "This may be my last chance, Rex, so get it
right this time -- go into town and get the posse!"
A figure with curves always offers a lot of interesting angles.
A great American Olympic wrestler was receiving last-minute advice
from his coach about the upcoming match with the Soviet Champion.
"This Russian guy is really good, very strong and quick. But I think
you can take him. Remember, though, like I've told you before, don't let
him get you in the Pretzel hold. With his strength you'd never get out."
The American leaps onto the mat, and within moments the two behemoths
are going crazy, struggling to get each other pinned. The American slowly
gains ground and appears that he might actually win on points alone, when, in
the blink of an eye, the Russian reverses him and whips him into the fatal
The coach, off by the side, shakes his head in dismay, and sits down
on the bench with his head between his hands. All of a sudden, there's a
scream and the two wrestlers fly apart, the American regaining control and
pinning the Russian. After the match, in the dressing room, the coach
finally gets the winner alone. "Great job! But how the hell did you get out
of the Pretzel Hold? I thought it was over for sure!"
"Well, I did too. I was in the hold, about to be pinned, when I saw
this huge pair of testicles hanging right in front of my eyes. I figured
what the hell, so I stretched forward and bit them as hard as I could. Coach,
you just don't know your own strength 'til you've bitten your own balls!"
A group of soldiers being prepared for a practice landing on a tropical
island were warned of the one danger the island held, a poisonous snake that
could be readily identified by its alternating orange and black bands. They
were instructed, should they find one of these snakes, to grab the tail end of
the snake with one hand and slide the other hand up the body of the snake to
the snake's head. Then, forcefully, bend the thumb above the snake's head
downward to break the snake's spine. All went well for the landing, the
charge up the beach, and the move into the jungle. At one foxhole site, two
men were starting to dig and wondering what had happened to their partner.
Suddenly he staggered out of the underbrush, uniform in shreds, covered with
blood. He collapsed to the ground. His buddies were so shocked they could
only blurt out, "What happened?"
"I ran from the beachhead to the edge of the jungle, and, as I hit the
ground, I saw an orange and black striped snake right in front of me. I
grabbed its tail end with my left hand. I placed my right hand above my left
hand. I held firmly with my left hand and slid my right hand up the body of
the snake. When I reached the head of the snake I flicked my right thumb down
to break the snake's spine... did you ever goose a tiger?"
A man is talking to his wife when he mentions that there's a "Big Dick"
contest at one of the bars in town and the prize for the winner is $1000.
"Oh, honey," she exclaims, "I don't want you taking that thing
out in public!"
"But baby," he says, "$1000 is a lot of money."
"I don't care!" she says, stamping her foot. "I don't want you
showing that thing to everybody."
And the subject isn't mentioned again, until the following evening
when he hands her $1000.
"Did you enter the contest, even after I told you I didn't want
you to?" she asks.
"Please forgive me, turtle dove," he says. "I thought we could use
"You mean you took that thing out for everybody to see?" she says,
tears welling up in her eyes.
"Only enough to win, honey, only enough to win."
A man walks into a bar with a Leprechaun on his shoulder. He walks
up to the bar and sits down, ordering a beer for himself and one for the
After a few beers, the Leprechaun jumps down off the guy's shoulder,
struts down the bar and comes to a stop in front of a rather large construction
worker. Looking the guy right in the eye, he gives him a rather large, damp,
Bronx cheer. And trots back to sit on his buddy's shoulder. The worker is
pretty upset, but decides to shine on this rather offensive breach of manners.
After another beer and a half though, the Leprechaun hops down and
walks over to his previous victim and goes "PPPPHHHHHHHBBBBTTTTTT" again.
Well, that's too much, and the victim knocks the Leprechaun off the bar and,
after walking over to stand very close to the Leprechaun's escort, tells him
in a rather overloud voice, that if it happens again, he's going to "cut off
his little dick!"
Replies the escort, "Leprechauns don't have dicks."
"Yeah? Well, then," asks the big man, how does he take a piss?"
A man walks into the doctor's office and the doctor says to him, "I've got
some good news and some bad news."
"Tell me the good news first" the patient replies.
"The good news is that your penis is going to be about two inches
longer and about an inch wider," the doctor says.
"That's great!" says his patient. "What's the bad news?"
A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this
particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the
man's penis. Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very
fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants,
felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under
the tablecloth. The girl was startled and exclaimed, "What was that?"
Suddenly the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as
quickly disappeared. The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said,
"I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw... can you do that again?"
With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied, "Honey, I'd
like to, but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!"
A man with no arms walked into a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender
shoved the foaming glass in front of him.
"Look," said the customer, "I have no arms -- would you please hold
the glass for me?
"Sure," said the bartender.
"If," said the customer, "you'll reach in my right hand coat pocket,
you'll find the money for the beer."
The bartender got the money and rang up the bill.
"You've been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more.
Where is the men's room?"
"Up the street to the light," said the bartender, "turn left, walk
two blocks, and there's a gas station on the corner."
A man's father is very, very old, and the son can't afford very good treatment
for him, so he's in a rather shabby, run-down nursing home. One day the son
wins a lottery -- and the first thing he does is install his father in the best
old age home that money can buy.
On the first day the old man is sitting watching TV, and he starts
to lean a little bit to one side. Right away a nurse runs over and gently
straightens the old man. A little later he's eating dinner, and when he
finishes, he begins to tip a little bit to one side. Another nurse runs
over and gently pushes him upright again.
The son visits his father later that evening and asks him how he's
"It's a wonderful place, son," replies the father. "I really like
it here, gourmet food, color TV's in every room, the service is unbelievable,
there's just one little problem."
"What's that, Dad?"
"They won't let you fart."
A mouse was sniffing around in a meadow, when an eagle swooped down,
swallowed him whole, and rose up in the air again. The mouse worked
his way through until his head was sticking out of the bird's asshole.
"Say, good buddy," he squeaked, "how high up are we, anyway?"
"Oh, about two thousand feet," answered the eagle.
The mouse's eyes bugged out. "Hey, you wouldn't shit me, would you?"
A proctologist is a doctor who puts in a hard day at the orifice.
A son takes his Italian immigrant father to his first baseball game. It
happens that it's Old Timer's Day at Yankee stadium and all the baseball
greats are there. The son escorts his father to box seats right on the
third base line and seats him with beer and a Yankees cap.
The first batter up is Mickey Mantle. On the second pitch he
swings that bat and CRACK! The ball ricochets off the wall for a double.
The crowd goes crazy and the father stands up and yells, "Runna Mickey!
The next batter up is Joe DiMaggio. The pitcher, pitching him
carefully, works him to a 3-2 count and just misses the outside corner.
"Ball four!" yells the umpire and Joe tosses his bat aside and begins
to walk to first base.
The father yells out, "Runna Joe! Runna Joe!"
"No, no, Pop," corrects his son. "He got four balls. He walks."
And the old man clenches his fist and says solemnly, "Walka proud
Joe. Walka proud."
A stately-looking matron was walking through the Bronx Zoo, studying the
animals. When she passed the porcupine enclosure she beckoned to a nearby
"Young man," she began, "do North American porcupines have sharper
pricks than those raised in Africa?"
The attendant hesitated for a moment. "Well, ma'am," he answered,
"the African porcupine's quills are sharper... but I think their pricks are
about the same."
A traveling circus was performing in a small town, around the turn of the
century, when many of the circus animals were still considered to be very
rare and exotic. One night one of the elephants escaped. It was hungry
and found a garden in a little old lady's backyard. The woman, who had
never before seen an elephant, was hysterical and called the police.
Little Old Lady: "There's a *huge* monster in my garden!
Police: "Calm down, ma'am, everything will be all right. Now exactly what
does it look like?"
LOL: "It's a dark color and it's tremendous! It's pulling up my
vegetables with its tail!"
Police: "With its tail? Then what's it doing?"
LOL: "You wouldn't believe me if I told you!"
A white man was traveling with Indian (American) out West. The
Indian stops, puts his ear to the ground, and says, "Buffalo come."
The white man looks around in all directions, sees nothing for
miles and asks the Indian how the hell he knows that.
Replies the Indian, "Ear wet."
-- Lily Tomlin, "The Search for Signs of Intelligent
Life in the Universe"
A woman had a followup visit with her doctor after his prescribing fairly high
dosages of testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried
about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
"Doctor Keyes, the hormones you've been giving me have helped a lot
with my menopausal symptoms, but I'm really afraid that you're giving me too
much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before!"
The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal
side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"
"On my balls."
A young boy is told by his puritanical father than he should never have
sex with a woman, because a woman has teeth in her vagina and will bite
off his penis.
The years go by, and the boy finally marries. After a rather
uninspiring honeymoon his wife finally confronts him and demands that he
tell her why he won't make love to her.
"Well, honey," he replies. "You have... teeth... down there."
"What!?" she replies unbelievingly. "No I don't! Honest, darling,
come here and look for yourself."
The man rather hesitantly examines her very thoroughly.
"There!" his wife says triumphantly. "Now do you believe me?"
"Yes," replied her husband. "And your gums are in *terrible*
A young lady friend of mine just swallowed a razor blade...
She performed a tonsillectomy, an appendectomy, a hysterectomy,
three circumcisions, and cut off the finger of a casual friend.
Adopting the metric system would have certain psychological advantages --
such as being able to claim 18 centimeters instead of seven inches.
All jobs should be open to everybody, unless they actually require a
penis or a vagina.
-- Florynce Kennedy
There are really not many jobs that actually require a penis
or a vagina, and all other occupations should be open to everyone.
-- Gloria Steinem
An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the
remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the
driver, "I have a dead pussy."
The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, "Sit
with my wife. You two have a lot in common."
And now, the Bing Crosby show, brought to you by the makers of Ex-Lax.
... a brief pause, and then Bing!
Anything more than three shakes is for fun.
Build a better mousetrap, the saying goes -- and with the brassiere, Yankee
Ingenuity did exactly that. But their true stroke of genius was the new bait.
The old fashioned mousetrap was loaded with cheese; nobody cares much about
cheese, except mice. But when American know-how reloaded the brassiere with
tits, every heterosexual male in the country was hopelessly trapped.
-- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
Captain Hook died of jock itch.
"Carefully study these two enlarged photographs on display, Mr. Rafferty,"
the attorney for a politician suing a newspaper for libel instructed his
client on the witness stand, "and indicate which is your ass and which is
a hole in the ground."
Desperate about the state of her social life, a young woman resorted
to the Personal Ads in the back of her local paper. In the ad she made it
quite clear that what she was advertising for was an expert lover; she already
had plenty of sensitive friends and meaningful relationships and what she
now wanted was to get laid, to put it bluntly. Phone calls started coming
in, with each caller testifying to his sexual prowess, but none quite struck
the young woman's fancy. Until one night her doorbell rang. Opening the door
she found a man with no arms or legs, who informed her that he was there in
response to her advertisement. "I'm terribly sorry," she stammered, "but my
ad was quite explicit. I'm really looking for something of a sexual expert,
and you... uh... don't have all the..."
"Listen," the man interrupted her, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"
Diet Mountain Dew has the same pH and density of urine.
-- Newsweek, 31 July, 1989
Due to a mixup in urology, orange juice will not be served this morning.
Eat prune yogurt for that "get up and go" feeling.
Ever thought of putting a ferret down your pants? Yes, ferrets,
those weasel-like animals originally trained to hunt rats and possessing
needle sharp claws and razor sharp teeth. The English do it for sport.
Ferret Legging involves the tying of a competitors's trousers at
the ankles and then dropping into the trousers a couple of vicious ferrets.
No jockstraps or underwear allowed -- nothing but the bodies' own. The
ferrets must be young and in good condition. Neither the ferret or the
contestant may be drugged or drunk -- cold eyed sober only. The trousers
should be loose fitting, to allow the ferret to scramble from one leg to
the other, and are traditionally white, so that the blood shows better.
Normal contestants are able to keep them down for up to 40 seconds.
The champion ferret legger, Reg Mellor, of Yorkshire, holds the world record
of 5 hours and 26 minutes. Mr. Mellor's claims that being the champion is
not so much heroism but, "You just got to be able to have your tool bitten
and not care."
Fat dirty farts came spluttering out of your backside. You had an arse full
of farts that night, darling, and I fucked them out of you, big fat fellows,
long windy ones, quick little merry cracks...
-- James Joyce
Four men had been playing golf together for twenty years. After their usual
Saturday game one week, one of the men joined the other three for a post-game
shower for the first time. His friends were surprised - "For twenty years",
one of them says, "you haven't showered after our game, you've just waited for
us in the clubhouse. Why the sudden change?"
"Well", replies their friend, "I was born with a fairly unusual
medical condition. I had both a penis and a vagina. Last month I finally
decided to have the vagina removed."
The other three men look at him in disbelief and disgust. "You
mean," snaps one of them, "you could have played from the women's tee all
From the outset, the blind date was a fiasco and it was intensified by the
fact that the fellow was too insensitive and ego-ridden to realize it. The
moment of truth came in the supper club as he clutched the girl's thigh and
"Baby, how's about our cutting out to my pad so I can slip you nine
There was a moment of silence, and then the girl said,
"You know, I really don't think you could get it up three times
in a row!"
Good day for water sports. Take a bath with a friend.
Grownups are reluctant to take science fiction seriously, and with good
reason: sci-fi is a hormonal activity, not a literary one. Its traditional
concerns are all pubescent. Secondary sexual characteristics are everywhere,
disguised. Aliens have tentacles. Telepathy allows you to have sex without
any nasty inconvenience of touching. Womblike spaceships provide balanced
meals. No one ever has to grow old -- body parts are replaceable, like
Job's daughters, and if you're lucky you can become a robot. As for the
adult world, it's simply not there; political systems tend to be naively
authoritarian (there are more lords in science fiction than on public
television) and are often ruled by young boys on quests. The most popular
sci-fi book in years, Frank Herbert's Dune, sold millions of copies by
combining all these themes: it ends with its adolescent hero conquering the
universe while straddling a giant worm.
-- Arnold Klein
Half the posts to this group are about masturbation and the other half
are about penis size. And what I want to know is, if all you're doing
is jerking off, why do you care how big it is?
-- From alt.sex
Halt!! Who goes there, friend or enema?
Harry came into work on Monday feeling absolutely fine, and so was astonished
when his secretary urged him to lie down on the sofa; even more so when his
boss took one look at him and ordered him to take the day, if not the week,
off. Even his poker buddies wouldn't have anything to do with him, insisting
that he go straight to bed. Finally, tired of resisting everyone's advice,
he went to see his doctor, who took one look at him and rushed over with
"But doctor," he protested, "I feel fine."
Well, this was a puzzler, conceded the doctor, who proceeded to refer to the
enormous reference tomes behind his desk, muttering to himself.
"Looks good, feels good... No, you look like hell. Looks good,
feels terrible... Nah, you feel fine, right?"
Thumbing furiously through another volume, he said,
"Looks terrible, feels terrible... Nope, that won't do it either."
Finally, "Looks terrible, feels terrific... Aha!! You're a vagina!"
He carried me over the stream, striding through the current, his strong,
muscular, thighs scarcely hesitating as he sure-footedly forded the water.
But what was that bulge, small, oblong, solid, that might have been, say,
a pocket camera?
-- An Exciting Journey
He who farts in church must sit in his own pew.
Her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest
in a yak.
-- Woody Allen
HOW TO REMOVE STAINS -- #28
Semen stains can be removed from computer terminals with
Fantastik or the like. Use Windex on the glass however, and
be sure to turn the power off if you have to clean between
I can't believe that out of 100,000 sperm, you were the quickest.
-- Steven Pearl
I choked Linda Lovelace.
I continued wetting my bed for a long time, not just out of contrariness,
but to have the pleasure of feeling my warm urine running down my legs
and wallowing in its odor.
-- Salvador Dali
I don't want to say that she had big tits, but one day I asked her
just how big they was, and she said, "7 and 7/8".
I said, "7 and 7/8?! What did you measure 'em with?"
And she replied, "A Stetson."
I know what you're up to, you white-feathered fiend!
Go release your bowels on some lesser personage!
-- W. C. Fields, upon seeing a bird overhead
"I need a camel that can go without water for at least three weeks,"
the American said to an Algerian camel merchant. "Is it possible?"
"All things are possible," replied the merchant. He proceeded to
take a camel out of his barn and lead him to a tank of water. After the
camel had drunk its fill and was about to lift its head out of the tank,
the merchant picked up two nearby bricks, one in each hand, stepped behind
the camel, and smacked his testicles with the bricks.
The camel let out a gigantic "Whhoooosh!" and sucked up what seemed
like twenty more gallons of water.
The American stared incredulously at the camel merchant. "My God,
man!" he exclaimed, "doesn't that hurt?!"
The merchant shrugged. "Only if you get your thumbs in between the
I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt
the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off,
I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
I walked on toward Ploughwright, thinking about feces. What a lot we had
found out about the prehistoric past from the study of fossilized dung of
long-vanished animals. A miraculous thing, really; a recovery from the
past from what was carelessly rejected. And in the Middle Ages, how
concerned people who lived close to the world of nature were with the
feces of animals. And what a variety of names they had for them: the
Crotels of a Hare, the Friants of a Boar, the Spraints of an Otter, the
Werderobe of a Badger, the Waggying of a Fox, the Fumets of a Deer.
Surely there might be some words for the material so near to the heart of
Ozy Froats [an academic studying feces] than shit? What about the
Problems of a President, the Backward Passes of a Footballer, the
Deferrals of a Dean, the Odd Volumes of a Librarian, the Footnotes of a
Ph.D., the Low Grades of a Freshman, the Anxieties of an Untenured Professor?
-- Robertson Davies, "The Rebel Angels"
I was a cock-teaser at Rooster Rama.
I used to enrage the bantams before the big bouts.
-- Firesign Theatre
I was toilet-trained at gunpoint.
-- Billy Braver
I will not be briefed or debriefed, my underwear is my own.
I'm not laughing behind your back; everything funny is in front!
-- Rodney Dangerfield's wife
In France they piss on Main Street. (In pissoirs, Mama, not cheap display).
-- Joni Mitchell
In outer space, nobody can hear you fart.
It is recounted that at King's College in the Strand around the time of the
war, the Chief of Services would inevitably begin the year's rounds by
teaching "a singularly important principle of medicine." He asked a nurse
to fetch him a sample of urine. He then talked at length about Diabetes
mellitus. "Diabetes," he said, "is a greek name; but the Romans noticed that
the bees like the urine of diabetics, so they added the word mellitus which
means sweet as honey. Well, as you know, you may find sugar in the urine
of a diabetic ..."
By now the nurse had returned with a sample of urine which the
registrar promptly held up like a trophy. We stared at that straw-colored
fluid as if we had never seen such a thing before. The registrar then
startled us. He dipped a finger boldly into the urine, then licked his
finger with the tip of his tongue. As if tasting wine, he opened and closed
his lips rapidly. Could he perhaps detect a faint taste of sugar? The sample
was passed on to us for an opinion. We all dipped a finger into the fluid,
all of us foolishly licked that finger.
"Now," said the Registrar grinning, "You have learnt the first
principle of diagnosis. I mean the power of observation." We were baffled.
We stood near the sluice room outside the ward, and in the distance, some
anonymous patient was explosively coughing. "You see," the registrar said
continuing triumphantly, "I dipped my MIDDLE finger into the urine, but
licked my INDEX finger -- not like all you chaps.
It takes leather balls to play rugby.
(Blood makes the grass grow!)
It was at the eighth annual mouse convention and mice from near and far had
gathered for the ball. A pretty little female mouse waltzed by the stag
line and one of the males whistled a low, dirty whistle to himself.
Turning to another mouse he said, "Look at the legs on that bitch, aren't
"Just fair," was the answer.
"You're crazy," said the first mouse and then turning to another,
asked his opinion.
"They're nice," said the third mouse, "but nothing to get excited
"Some mice have no appreciation," exclaimed the first mouse. "Now
you," he said to a fourth mouse, "what did you think?"
"To tell you the truth," was the reply, "I'm no authority on legs;
I'm a tit mouse myself."
Joan, the rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of
her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit
the frist day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her
way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly
begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her
stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear.
"Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of
the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't
mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your
wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday."
"What difference does it make," Joan asked rather calmly. "No one
can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."
"Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on
the dining room skylight."
Konrad Lorenz, the great animal behaviorist, was scrupulous about cultivating
fruitful confusion. Lorenz lived among his research subjects: dozens of
species of mammals, birds, reptiles, and fishes. He did not quantify, control,
or consciously experiment. He got to know each creature individually, then
threw them together, watching for the unexpected, the unusual, or the bizarre
in the chaos that followed. For example, his interest in one of ethology's
most important concepts, that of intention movements (motions with meaning,
such as the head bobbing in birds that serves as an alarm signal before
flight), derived from an inadvertent experiment. He had trained a free-flying
raven to eat raw meat from his hand and had been feeding the bird for several
hours one day. He would reach into his pants pocket and take out a piece of
meat, and the raven would swoop down to grab it in its bill. By and by, Lorenz
went to relieve himself near a hedge. When the raven saw him put his hand
into his pants and pull out another morsel of meat, it swooped down, hungrily
grasping the new mouthful in its bill. Lorenz howled in pain. But the event
left a deep impression on him -- about how faithfully animals respond to
intention movements, that is.
-- The Sciences, May/June, 1988, N.Y. Academy of Science.
Ladies, here's a hint: If you're playing against a friend who has big
boobs, bring her to the net and make her hit backhand volleys. That's
the hardest shot for the well endowed. "I've got to hit over them or
under them, but I can't hit through," Annie Jones used to always moan
to me. Not having much in my bra, I found it hard to sympathize with her.
-- Billie Jean King
Lady to Golf Pro: "I was stung by bees on your golf course!"
Pro: "Ummm, well, where?"
Lady: "Between the 1st and 2nd holes."
Pro: "That's going to real tough to treat."
... like, what do they mean when they say 'feminine protection'? What's that?
A chartreuse flamethrower?
Man in stall:
Hey, buddy? Is there any toilet paper out there?
Man at sink:
No, I don't see any. Just a second... Nope, none in
any of the other stalls either.
A minute passes.
Man in stall:
Man at sink:
Man in stall:
You got change for a ten?
Man who dance in crowded ballroom dance cheek to cheek with woman behind him.
Man who keep money in jockstrap has financial matters all balled up.
Many a bachelor feels the need to insert his masculinity.
May Allah blow sand in your Preparation H.
May the fairy god-camel leave a lump on your pillow!
Maybe if the guy who developed Twinkies hadn't had such a low
opinion of himself they would have been an inch or two longer!
"Mind you, not as bad as the night Archie Pettigrew ate some sheep's testicles
for a bet... God, that bloody sheep kicked him!"
-- Ripping Yarns
Mr. Hersh came home to find his wife sitting naked in front of the
mirror, admiring her breasts.
"And what do you think you're doing?" he asked.
"I went to the doctor today and he said I have the breasts of a
"Oh yeah? And what did he have to say about your forty-year-old ass?"
"Nothing," she replied. "Your name didn't come up at all."
Mr. Rection, Mr. Hugh G. Rection, please pick up a white courtesy telephone!
My mother didn't breast-feed me. She said she liked me as a friend.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
My wife has breast cancer. She told me to start dating.
-- Howard Stern
Naked children are so perfectly pure and lovely. I confess I do not admire
naked boys. They always seem to me to need clothes -- whereas one hardly
sees why the lovely forms of girls should ever be covered up.
-- Lewis Carroll
Naked couple in bed, woman says to man:
"When I said I had a foot fetish, I was referring to cocks."
Oh, ya doesn't have ta call me 'Johnson'! Well, you can call me 'Ray', or
you can call me 'Jay', or you can call me 'R.J.', or you can call me 'Ray
J.', or you can call me 'R.J.J.', or you can call me 'Ray J. Johnson', or
you can call me 'R.J. Johnson', but ya DOESN'T have to call me 'Johnson'...
Once in a medieval times...there was a King who was getting sort of
bored after dinner one night. He decided to hold a contest of who at the
court had the mightiest "weapon". The first knight stood up and proclaimed
that he had the mightiest weapon... he pulled down his pants and tied a 5
pound weight around it. The weapon doth rose. The crowds cheered... the
women swooned... the children waved multi-colored banners... and the band
played appropriate music.
Another knight stood up and claimed that he had the mightiest weapon.
He dropped his pants and tied a 10 pound weight to himself. The weapon doth
rose. The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the children waved
multi-colored banners... and the band played appropriate music.
After several more knights tried to prove their superiority... the
King finally spoke out. "I have the mightiest weapon of them all!" He dropped
his pants and tied, not a 10 pound, not a 20 pound, not ever a thirty pound,
but a 40 pound weight, plus a coffe pot, to himself. The weapon doth rose.
The crowds cheered... the women swooned... the children waved multi-colored
banners... and the band played "God Save the Queen."
Once you've got them by the balls, their hearts and minds will follow.
One day a mouse was driving along the road in his Mercedes when he heard an
anguished roaring noise coming from the side of the road. Stopping the car,
he got out and discovered a lion stuck in a deep ditch and roaring for help.
Reassuring the lion, the mouse tied a rope around the axle of the Mercedes,
threw the other end down to the lion, and pulled the beast out of the ditch.
The lion thanked the mouse profusely and they went their separate ways.
Two months later the lion was out for a stroll in the country when
he heard a panicked squeaking coming from the side of the road. Investigating
the noise, what should he come across but the mouse stuck in the same hole.
"Oh, please help me, Mr. Lion," squeaked the terrified mouse. "I saved you
with my car once, remember?"
"Course I'll help you, little fellow," roared the lion. "I'll just
lower my dick down to you, you hold on to it, and we'll have you out of there
in a jiffy." Sure enough, a few minutes later the mouse was high and dry on
the roadside, trying to convey his eternal gratitude to the lion.
"Don't give it another thought," said the lion kindly. "It just goes
to show that if you've got a big dick, you don't need a Mercedes."
One day, in a bar, a young man walks in with a little dwarf about one foot
tall on his shoulder and orders a beer. The bartender serves the man a beer;
to his astonishment, the little guy walks down the man's arm, takes a swallow
of the brew and spits it in his face. After a few minutes the customer
orders another beer and the exact same thing happens. Well, by this time,
the bartender is getting pretty upset; he figures that the man should take
care of the dwarf. So he asks the guy, "Why are you letting that guy drink
all your beer and spit it in my face?"
"Well, sir, when I was on a contract in Saudi Arabia I met this genie
and he granted me three wishes. I asked for a million dollars, the most
beautiful woman in the world, and a twelve-inch prick.
One who does not know a burro from a burrow does not know his ass from a
hole in the ground!
Opinions are like assholes -- everyone's got one, but nobody wants to look
at the other guy's.
-- Hal Hickman
Philadelphia, Pa. 19369
Your name has been submitted to us with your photo. I regret to
inform you that we will be unable to use your body in our centerfold. On
a scale of one to ten, your body was rated a minus two by a panel of women
ranging in age from 60 to 75 years. We tried to assemble a panel in the
age bracket of 25 to 35 years, but we could not get them to stop laughing
long enough to reach a decision. Should the taste of the American woman
ever change so drastically that bodies such as yours would be appropriate
in our magazine, you will be notified by this office. Please, don't call
Amanda L. Smith
p.s. We also want to commend you for your unusual pose. Were you
wounded in the war, or do you ride your bike a lot?
Prior to this year's Rock & Roll Hall of Fame cermony, [Cash] went to
the bathroom. "I was standing at the urinal, and Keith Richards walked
in... He said, 'Look at this, I'm pissing with Johnny Cash. We need a
picture of this.' I said, 'No, Keith, we *don't* need a picture of this.'"
-- Rolling Stone interview with Johnny Cash.
Raquel Welch: 36-24-36
Bo Derek: 35-24-36
Bette Middler: 37-25-36
Marilyn Monroe: 37-24-37
Jane Russell: 39-27-38
Jayne Mansfield: 40-23-37
Sophia Loren: 37-25-36
Rugby is a game played by men with peculiarly shaped balls.
Seems like this duck waddles into a pharmacy, waddles up to the prescription
counter and rings the bell. The pharmacist walks up and asks, "Can I help
The duck replies, "Yes, I'd like a box of condoms, please."
"Certainly", says the pharmacist, "will that be cash or would
you like me to put it on your bill?"
Snarls the duck, "Just what kind of duck do you think I am?"
Seems this fellow was suffering from terrific headaches, and went to his
doctor about it. The physician made a number of tests, and informed the man
that the only thing for his headaches was castration. After a few more
months, the headaches became so intense that the man agreed to the operation.
Naturally enough, the ruination of his sex life depressed him tremendously,
and he decided to purchase a new wardrobe to make himself feel better.
He enters a men's clothing store and a salesman wanders over, looks him
up and down, and says, "Well, let's start with shirts... 15 neck, 34 sleeve."
The guy is amazed. "How'd you know?"
"Well, I've been here nearly 30 years, and I can tell sizes within
a quarter inch on every piece of clothing." The salesman's claim is borne
out. Slacks, 34 waist, 32 inseam; jacket: 42 long. And so on and so forth.
When the man has been completely outfitted he decides that he'd better buy
some new underwear.
The salesman looks at him and says, "Okay, that'll be a 34."
"No, that's wrong," says the man. "I've always worn a 32." The
salesman insists, pointing out his accuracy so far. The man argues, agreeing
that while he's been right so far, he has always worn a 32 in shorts.
Finally in exasperation, the salesman says, "Listen, I tell you,
you *have* to wear a 34. Otherwise, you'll get these *awful* headaches."
Short man who dance with tall woman gets bust in mouth.
Shortly after arriving at their honeymoon destination, the
still-nervous groom became worried about the state of his bride's innocence.
Deciding on a direct confrontation, he quickly undressed, pointed at his
exposed manhood and asked his mate, "Do you know what this is?"
Without hesitation, she blushingly answered, "That's a wee-wee."
Delighted at the idea of instructing his naive wife in the ways of
love, the husband whispered, "From now on, dearest, this will be called a
"Oh, come now," the girl chided. "I've seen lots of pricks and I
assure you, that's a wee-wee."
Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
Sniff sniff... Hey! Who farted?
"Gee guys, I've always dreamed of getting ten inches...
but not an inch-and-a-half at a time!
... So this is a very confusing situation, and what makes it even
worse is, our standards keep changing. Take Playboy magazine. Back in the
1950s, when I started reading it strictly for the articles, Playboy was
considered just about the raciest thing around, even though all it ever
showed was women's breasts. Granted, any given one of these breasts would
have provided adequate shelter for a family of four, but the overall effect
was no more explicit than many publications we think nothing of today, such
as Sports Illustrated's Annual Nipples Poking Through Swimsuits Issue.
-- Dave Barry, "Pornography"
Sometimes guys'll say to you, "Have a good one." I say, "I already have
a good one. Now I'm looking for a longer one."
-- George Carlin
Success is like a fart -- only your own smells nice.
-- James P. Hogan
The difference between this school and a cactus plant is that the
cactus has the pricks on the outside.
The new patron was amazed by the cleanliness of the restaurant. A
waiter approached the table. "Good afternoon, sir. What may I serve you?"
"I'll have the steak dinner," the man answered.
As the waiter headed for the kitchen, the diner noticed that he
wore a spotless white apron and clean white gloves. Soon the waiter
returned, bearing a casserole dish on a cart which he uncovered to reveal
two tempting filet mignons. From a covered pocket in his apron he produced
a small pair of shining silver tongs and with them he transferred the meat
from the steaming casserole to the diner's plate. "We never touch anything
with our hands," he explained.
The waiter continued serving. "Confidentially," he said, "we even
have a special set of rules about visiting the lavatory. Do you see this
little piece of string attached to my apron?"
"Yes," the diner replied. "I noticed that all the aprons had one."
The waiter put a large browned potato on the plate with his tongs.
"Well," he began, "if I should have to go to the bathroom, that string
comes in very handily. I simply unzip my pants and take it out with that
piece of string. That way everything stays sanitary."
"But how do you put it back?"
"Well, I don't know about the other guys," the waiter confided, "but
I use the tongs."
The only way for writers to meet is to share a quick pee over a common lamppost.
-- Cyril Connolly, "Journal and Memoir"
The real trouble with women is that they have *all* the pussy.
The word "spine" is, of course, an anagram of "penis". This is true in
almost fifty percent of the languages of the Galaxy, and many people
have attempted to explain why. Usually these explanations get bogged
down in silly puns about "standing erect".
-- Douglas Adams, "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
The young male race horse came from a long line of winners, and did
wonderfully in time trials. However, in actual races he proved a little too
romantic, and could never quite bring himself to pass a mare.
So one day the trainer went to him and told him he'd have to be
castrated. The young horse, knowing that it was either this or the glue
factory, took it philosophically. After all, having the operation was
almost a certain guarantee of a long and illustrious racing career.
After a short recovery period, the horse was again run in time
trials, and found to do as well as ever. But the first time he actually
ran in a race, he only went about ten paces, before getting a dejected look
on his face, turning around, and ambling back to the starting gates.
"What's the matter?" asked the trainer, "you were doing great!"
"Yeah, well how would you feel" replied the horse, "if five thousand
people took one look at you and shouted `they're off!'?"
The young man-about-town enjoyed luxury but didn't always have the means
to buy it, and so he huffily walked out of the Miami Beach hotel when he
found out the charges for room, meals and golf privileges were $300 a day.
He registered across the street at an equally elegant hotel, where the
rates were only $70. The following morning he went down to the hotel's
golf course and asked Scotty, the pro, to sell him a couple of golf balls.
"Sure," said Scotty. "That'll be $25 apiece."
"What?" screamed the bachelor. "In the hotel across the street
they only charge $1 a ball!"
"Naturally," replied the pro. "Over there they get you by the
There was once a salesman who had an outstanding record for selling tooth-
brushes. His boss, wondering at his unlikely success, sent a man out to
follow the salesman on rounds to see what pitch he gave that brought such
good results. It was soon found that this particular salesman went to the
corner of a busy street and opened up his briefcase, and on one side was the
assortment of toothbrushes, and on the other side various chips and garnishes
and a bowl of brownish stuff. He would grab a likely customer and give them
the following pitch.
"Good morning, ma'am, this is a commercial promotion for --- brand
of chip dip. Would you care to give it a try?"
At that point the person would try it, then spit it out and scream
in utter disgust, "This tastes like shit!"
The salesman would smile and say, "It is. You want to buy a
There's a vas deferens between men and women.
This 600-pound guy decides he can't go on living this way, so he seeks
the help of a clinic and proceeds to go on a drastic diet. It works: four
months later he's down to 160 pounds and feeling great, except for one problem.
He's covered with great folds of flesh where the fat used to be. He calls
up the clinic, and the doctor tells him not to worry. "There's a special
surgical procedure to correct this condition," the doctor assures him. "Just
come on over to the clinic."
"But doctor," the man pleads, "you don't understand. I'm too
embarrassed to be seen in public like this."
"Don't give it another thought," says the doctor. "Simply pull up
all the folds as high as they'll go, pile the flesh on top of your head, put
on a top hat, and come on over."
The guy follows the instructions and provokes no comments until he
reaches the clinic and is standing in front of the admitting nurse's desk,
dying of self-consciousness. "The doctor will be right with you," says the
nurse. "Say, what's that hole in the middle of your forehead?"
"My navel," blurts out the guy, "how d'ya like my tie?"
This fellow rushed into a crowded tavern on Saturday night. Men and women
stood three-deep at the bar. Our man, who felt nature calling strongly,
looked about him but couldn't see anything that resembled a john. He saw a
stairway and bounded up the steps to the second floor in his increasingly
desperate search. Just as his bowels threatened to erupt, he spotted a
one-foot by one-foot hole in the floor. Now, at the end of his control, he
decided to take advantage of the hole. He dropped his pants, hunched over it,
and did his thing. Thoroughly relieved and relaxed, he sauntered down the
steps to find, to his suprise, that the crowded bar was now empty.
"Hey!" he yelled to the seemingly empty room, "Where is everyone?"
From behind the bar a voice responded, "Hey! Where were you when
the shit hit the fan?"
This guy, see, was walkin' down the street sportin' two -- not one, but two
-- black eyes; a coupla real shiners. He chanced upon his buddy walkin' th'
other way... they stopped to talk... "Hey guy," sez his buddy, "where'd'ja
git them good lookin' shiners? Musta been a helluva fight."
"Well, actually, I got them in church," sez he.
"Nowwaitaminnit," sez the friend, "nobody gits black eyes in church!"
"I swear I did," sez he, "and here's how it happened. We all got up
to sing a hymn, you see, and the fat lady in front of me got her dress all
stuck up in the crack of her butt, so bein' as how I'm a real gennulman an'
all, well, I leaned forward and pulled it out for her. And you know what?
She just turned around, hauled off and slugged me one!"
"Well," his buddy replies, after he can talk again, "that shore 'nuff
explains one of 'em. Howdja git th' other one?"
"Well," sez he, "like I said, I'm a gennulman, even when somebody does
me wrong, so when I saw she didn't like it like that, I stuck it back in."
This hot and dusty cowboy rode in from the mesa, filthy and exhausted. He
obviously had had nothing but his horse for company for a couple of weeks
and was looking forward to a couple of cold beers in the saloon. Swinging
off his horse and hitching it to the rail, the cowboy gave his horse an
affectionate slap on the neck. Then he astonished an old cowhand lounging
on the porch by moving around to the horse's hindquarters, lifting up its
tail and planting a demure kiss on its asshole.
"What'd you do that for?" asked the cowhand, completely repulsed.
"Chapped lips," said the cowboy, heading for the saloon doors.
"Wait a minute," said the old guy. "Whaddaya mean, chapped lips?"
"Keeps ya from lickin' 'em," explained the cowboy.
Tonight's piss is tommorrow's Tang.
-- An American astronaut
Two Peace Corps doctors who had just returned to a stateside hospital
were in front of the main desk in the midst of a heated argument that
went along these lines:
(1st doctor) "No, no, no! It's 'waaaahmmmb'"
(2nd doctor) "No you're wrong! It's 'woooooommmb'"
and this continued for quite sometime.
Finally a nurse stepped in and said: "The correct pronunciation is
'womb'" and trotted off.
(1st doctor) "That shows you what she knows."
(2nd doctor) "Yeah. I bet she's never even SEEN a hippopotamus,
let alone heard one fart underwater."
USENET is like a herd of performing elephants with diarrhea --
massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring, entertaining, and
a source of mind-boggling amounts of excrement when you least
-- Gene Spafford
Well, God gave me a bust. What am I supposed to do with it?
-- Martha Mitchell
What a man enjoys most about a woman's clothes are his fantasies of how
she would look without them.
-- Brendan Francis
While away at a convention, an executive happened to meet a young woman who
was pretty, chic, and intelligent. When he persuaded her to disrobe in his
hotel room, he found out she had a superb body as well. Unfortunately, as
will happen, the executive sadly found himself unable to perform.
On his first night home, the executive padded naked from the shower
into the bedroom to find his wife swathed in a rumpled bathrobe, her hair
curled, her face creamed, munching candy loudly as she pored through a movie
magazine. And then, without warning, he felt the onset of a magnificent
Looking down at his throbbing member, he snarled, "Why you ungrateful,
mixed-up, son-of-a-bitch! Now I know why they call you a prick!"
Why not, for example, offer a brand-new Mustang convertible to every girl
who consents to having her Fallopian tubes tied in a Gordian knot? ... It
would have the additional benefit of eliminating from the gene pool those
stupid enough to consent to such a deal.
-- Edward Abbey
Working hard around here is like pissing on yourself in a dark suit;
you get a warm feeling but nobody notices.
Would you rather have a 5-inch hard or an 8-inch floppy?
Ya know, Quaker Oats make you feel good twice!
You are witty, charming, handsome and above average in length.
You know what burns my ass? A flame about three feet high.
You should be a hemorrhoid, you're such a pain in the ass.