File: riddles

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Did you know that some people your age have sex thirty-seven times in a week?
And die immediately after?
%
Did you know that Spiro Agnew is an anagram of "Grow a Penis"?
%
Did you know that there are 71.9 acres of nipple tissue in the U.S.?
%
FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #3

You have prepared a proposal for your supervisor.  The success of this
proposal will mean increasing your salary 20%.  In the middle of your
proposal your supervisor leans over to look at your report and spits into
your coffee.  You:

	(a)  Tell him you take your coffee black.
	(b)  Ask him if he has any communicable diseases.
	(c)  Show him who's in command; promptly take a piss in his
		"In" basket.
	(d)  Take a sip and comment how much better it tastes.
%
FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #4

You are at a business lunch when you are suddenly overcome with an
uncontrollable desire to pick your nose.  Since this is definitely a
no-no, you:

	(a) Pretend to wave to someone across the room and with one
	    fluid motion, bury your forefinger in your nostril right up
	    to the 4th joint.
	(b) Get everyone drunk and organize a nose picking contest with a
	    prize to the one who makes his nose bleed first.

	(c) Drop your napkin on the floor and when you bend over to pick
	    it up, blow your nose on your sock.
%
FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #5

You have just returned from a trip to Green Bay, Wisconsin in January and
tell your boss that nobody but ladies of the evening and football players
live there.  He mentions that his wife is from Green Bay.  You:

	(a)  Pretend you are suffering from amnesia and don't
		remember your name.
	(b)  Ask what position she played.
	(c)  Ask if she is still working the streets.
	(d)  Pull lacy underwear from your raincoat pocket and ask
		if he recognizes the label.
%
FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #6

You are having lunch with a prospective vendor talking about what could be
your best deal of the year.  During the conversation a blonde walks into
the restaurant and she is so stunning you draw your companion's attention
to her and give a vivid description of what you would do if you had her alone
in your hotel.  She walks over to your table and the vendor introduces her as
his daughter.  Your next move is to:

	(a)  Ask for her hand in marriage.
	(b)  Pass out and hope for sympathy.
	(c)  Forget the business; repeat the conversation to the
		daughter and get her number.
	(d)  Turn red and slink off into the men's room.
%
FORTUNE TESTS THE GREAT MANAGERS: #9

You are making a sales presentation to a group of corporate executives
in the plushest office you've ever seen.  The enchillada casserole and
egg salad sandwich you had for lunch react, creating severe pressure.
Your sphincter loses control and you break wind, causing the glass
bookcase doors to shatter and a secretary to pass out.  You:

	(a) Offer to come back next week when the smell has gone away.
	(b) Point to the Chief Executive and accuse him of the offense.
	(c) Challenge anyone in the room to do better.
%
He:	"Hey, Baby, I'd sure like to get in your pants!"
She:	"No, thanks, I've already got one asshole in there now."
%
He:	Am I... am I your first?
She:	Well, honey, I could have sworn your face looked familiar...
%
He:	So, what do you say to little fuck?
She:	I say, "get lost, little fuck."
%
Hear about...
	one penile desensitizer that's so effective that you
	have to stroke the tube for five minutes to get the cap off?
%
Hear about...
	the 97-year-old prostitute who got herself listed in the Yellow
	Pages and now claims to be the oldest trick in the book?
%
Hear about...
	the absent minded nurse who made the patient without disturbing
	the bed?
%
Hear about...
	the absent minded sculptor who put his model to bed and
	started chiseling on his wife?
%
Hear about...
	the absent-minded exhibitionist who was arrested for exposing
	his whatchamacalit?
%
Hear about...
	the ambitious secretary who walked into her boss's office and
	demanded a salary on next week's advance?
%
Hear about...
	the Ayatollah Khomeini Doll?
	Wind it up and it takes Ken and Barbie hostage.
%
Hear about...
	the basketball player who was so tall that his girlfriend had to
	go up on him?
%
Hear about...
	the butcher who dropped his cleaver and went home half-cocked?
%
Hear about...
	the careless canary that did it for a lark?
%
Hear about...
	the careless contortionist who accidentally swallowed his pride?
%
Hear about...
	the cinema buff that's very excited by current trends in films?
	The hero still gets the girl in the end, but he's never sure
	which end it will be.
%
Hear about...
	the compulsive gambler who drove to Las Vegas, pulled up to
	a parking meter, put a dime in -- and lost his car?
%
Hear about...
	the couple on the stalled elevator who got off between floors?
%
Hear about...
	the cross-eyed shoe fetishist who was always getting off on the
	wrong foot?
%
Hear about...
	the doctor that prescribed sex for insommia?  His patients didn't
	get any more sleep, but they had more fun staying awake.
%
Hear about...
	the drunken midget who walked into a home for girls and kissed
	everybody in the joint?
%
Hear about...
	the elderly gentleman who was stung on the privates by a bee and
	asked the doctor to relieve the pain but leave the swelling?
%
Hear about...
	the Eskimo girl who spent the night with her boyfriend and
	next morning found she was six months pregnant?
%
Hear about...
	the farmer who couldn't keep his hands off his wife so he fired them?
%
Hear about...
	The fellow who chased his girlfriend up a tree and kissed
	her between the limbs?
%
Hear about...
	the fellow who got ten years for pumping Ethyl behind the station?
%
Hear about...
	the fellow who maintains a special register of particularly
	accommodating girls?  He refers to it as his little blew book.
%
Hear about...
	the fellow who was descended from a long line his mother heard?
%
Hear about...
	the fellow who, upon being told by his shrewish wife that she
	would dance on his grave, promptly provided for a burial at sea?
%
Hear about...
	the female activist who went berserk during a demonstration and
	attacked a karate-trained cop with a deadly weapon.  She ended
	up a chopped libber?
%
Hear about...
	the fine, upstanding young woman who's wonderful laying down?
%
Hear about...
	the freaky WAC who was court-martialed for contributing to the
	delinquency of a major?
%
Hear about...
	the French soldier who kissed his wife's cheeks before he went
	to the front?
%
Hear about...
	the freshman coed who decided not to sign up for a course in sex
	education when she heard the final exam would be oral?
%
Hear about...
	the frustrated musician who worked all week on an arrangement and
	then his wife didn't leave town?
%
Hear about...
	the fun-loving young lady who insists she won't even consider
	marriage until she's gotten some experience under her belt?
%
Hear about...
	the gay tattoo artist who had designs on several of the local
	sailors?
%
Hear about...
	the girl that wanted to impress her new boyfriend,
	so she put on her low-cut dress to show him a thing or two?
%
Hear about...
	the girl who called her boyfriend Amaretto, 'cause he was
	such a sweet liquor?
%
Hear about...
	the girl who was so undesirable that she even turned her vibrator off?
%
Hear about...
	the girl with the big wardrobe who started with just a little slip?
%
Hear about...
	the guru who refused Novacain while having a tooth pulled because
	he wanted to transcend dental medication?
%
Hear about...
	the guy who couldn't find his way to the orgy -- you might say he
	lost his ball bearings?
%
Hear about...
	the guy who had his vasectomy done by Sears?
	Every time he gets a hard-on, the garage door goes up.
%
Hear about...
	the guy who took a course in exotic lovemaking and announced that
	he'd never be able to face his girl again?
%
Hear about...
	the guy who was an incurable romantic until penicillin came along?
%
Hear about...
	the guy who was so well endowed that he had a fiveskin?
%
Hear about...
	the guy who wore a tux to his vasectomy, because he figured that
	if he was going to be impotent he might as well look impotent.
%
Hear about...
	the handsome bachelor Senator who hired a ravishing blonde as his
	assistant and then made her the object of a long Congressional probe?
%
Hear about...
	the high school drum major who dated two of the majorettes and
	so enjoyed the breasts of both whirlers?
%
Hear about...
	the hurricane that recently struck Fire Island -- Hurricane Bruce?
%
Hear about...
	the inexperienced stenographer who discovered that she could lose
	a lot more than letters behind the files?
%
Hear about...
	the insurance salesman who says his greatest successes are
	with young housewives who aren't adequately covered?
%
Hear about...
	the little boy that found a fifty cent piece, so he went home
	for some money?
%
Hear about...
	the loner who gave up his solitary vice for Lent?  Except on
	Palm Sunday, of course.
%
Hear about...
	the man who never worried about his marriage until he moved from New
	York to California and discovered that he still had the same milkman?
%
Hear about...
	the mother of 12 who was called upon to use her diaphragm so often
	that she kept it tacked to the headboard of her bed?
%
Hear about...
	the new breakfast cereal called "Swingers".  They don't go snap,
	crackle, or pop; they just lie there and go bang, bang, bang?
%
Hear about...
	the new breakfast cereal called Queerios?  You simply add milk
	and they eat each other.
%
Hear about...
	the new German microwave oven?
	Seats 500.
%
Hear about...
	the new instrument of credit especially designed for use in
	Los Angeles single bars?  It's called Bang Americard.
%
Hear about...
	the new rule at the girls' school?
	Lights out by ten, candles by eleven.
%
Hear about...
	the new sorority girl doll?
	You put a ring on her finger and her hips expand.
%
Hear about...
	the new vitamin made from chicken blood?
	It makes men cocky and women lay better.
%
Hear about...
	the nurse they thought had drowned until they found her under the doc?
%
Hear about...
	the nymphomaniac teenager popularly known as Little Often Annie?
%
Hear about...
	the over-eager bride who came, walking down the aisle?
%
Hear about...
	the perverted australian who left his wife and returned to Sydney?
%
Hear about...
	the pessimistic historian whose latest book has chapter headings
	that read "World War One","World War Two" and "Watch This Space"?
%
Hear about...
	the plastic surgeon who hung himself?
%
Hear about...
	the poor Greek fisherman who got his upper torso wedged into
	a porthole and couldn't get out to save his ass?
%
Hear about...
	the real smart girl who could play post-office all night
	without getting any mail in her box?
%
Hear about...
	the recent cigarette survey that disclosed that 99% of the
	men who have tried Camels have gone back to women?
%
Hear about...
	the San Franciscan who backed off the bus because he thought
	someone would grab his seat?
%
Hear about...
	the secretary that got fired because she had one too mini?
%
Hear about...
	the sultan who had ten wives, nine of them had it soft.
%
Hear about...
	the swinger who labelled his little black book "Future Shack"?
%
Hear about...
	the tight end who got two years for possession and came out a
	wide receiver?
%
Hear about...
	the truck driver who pulled out to avoid a child and fell
	off the sofa?
%
Hear about...
	the ultimate in singles bars.  It's a place where girls have
	to show their I.U.D.'s to be admitted?
%
Hear about...
	the wild office Christmas party in a completely automated
	company -- the photocopier got drunk and tried to undo the
	typewriter's ribbon?
%
Hear about...
	the woman who says two martinis usually make her feel like a new man?
%
Hear about...
	the young lady attacked in San Francisco?
	By two men, one held her down while the other one did her hair.
%
Hear about...
	the young thing who is fondly known to the men in the office as
	Secretariat -- not just because she's a good secretary but because
	she's a wonderful mount?
%
Hear that...
	bookstores will soon be stocking a volume called "The Unsensuous
	Census Taker"?  It's about a guy who comes once every ten years.
%
Hear that...
	the Masters and Johnson clinic may well be the only organization
	in the world from which a man resigns when he becomes a member
	in good standing?
%
Hear that...
	the only thing worse than coming home with lipstick on your
	collar is being caught with leg make-up on your ears?
%
Hear that...
	the Pope's next pronouncement on birth control is to be titled
	"Paul's Epistle to the Fallopians"?
%
Hear that...
	there's an establishment near the White House that caters to kinky
	tastes?  There's a House whip in attendance, of course?
%
Hear that...
	they cancelled Easter this year?
	Found the body.
%
Hear that...
	those new edible candy pants are about to be distributed in a male
	version -- with nuts of course?
%
If being bi increases your chance of getting a date, does being poly
increase your chance of getting dumped?
%
If girls are all sugar and spice, why do they taste like anchovies?
%
If God hadn't intended man to eat pussy, would He have made it look like
a taco?
%
If guns are outlawed, how will we shoot the liberals?
%
If Helen Keller is alone in a forest and falls, does she make a sound?
%
If women ran the military complex, would the missiles be shaped differently?
%
If you were attacked by a homosexual, would you beat him off?
%
If you're really into astrology, tell me, what happens when Mercury is in
the Fish, and Jupiter enters the Virgin?
%
Q.	How do you keep an Aggie busy at a terminal?
A.	While he's not looking, switch it to "local".
%
Q.	What do you call a TV set that fixes itself?
A.	A Christian Science Monitor.
%
Q.	What's the capital of Canada?
A.	American.
%
Q.	What's the difference between Los Angeles and yogurt?
A.	Yogurt has a living, active culture.
%
Q:	"How many Romulans does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
A:	"Twelve; one to screw the light-bulb in, and eleven to self-destruct
	the ship out of disgrace."

	[Warning: do not tell this joke to Romulans or else be ready for
	a fight.  They consider this it to be a disgrace, though it's
	pretty good for a LBJ.  Ed.]
%
Q:	"What is the burning question on the mind of every dyslexic
	existentialist?"
A:	"Is there a dog?"
%
Q:	An English mathematician (I forgot who) was asked by his
	very religious colleague: Do you believe in one God?
A:	Yes, up to isomorphism!
%
Q:	Do you know how to tell a Polack at a cockfight?
A:	He's the only one with a duck.

Q:	Do you know how to tell an Aggie at a cockfight?
A:	He's the only one who bets on the duck.

Q:	And do you know how to tell the Mafia is at the cockfight?
A:	The duck wins!
%
Q:	Do you know what the death rate around here is?
A:	One per person.
%
Q:	Have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?
A:	No, but I bet it hurts like hell.
%
Q:	Have you heard about the man who didn't pay for his exorcism?
A:	He got re-possessed!
%
Q:	Heard about the <ethnic> who couldn't spell?
A:	He spent the night in a warehouse.
%
Q:	How can a real man tell when his girl friend's having an orgasm?
A:	Real men don't care.
%
Q:	How can we get the Beatles to reunite for one more concert?
A:	With three more bullets.
%
Q:	How can you tell if a woman is ticklish?
A:	Give her a couple of test tickles.
%
Q:	How can you tell if an elephant is having an affair with your wife?
A:	You have to wait 22 months.
%
Q:	How can you tell if an elephant is sitting on your back in a hurricane?
A:	You can hear his ears flapping in the wind.
%
Q:	How can you tell the bride at a WASP wedding?
A:	She's the one kissing the golden retriever.
%
Q:	How can you tell when a Polish girl's been sucking cock?
A:	She has a mouthful of feathers.
%
Q:	How can you tell when a WASP is sexually aroused?
A:	By the stiff upper lip.
%
Q:	How can you tell when your girlfriend has had an orgasm?
A:	Who cares?
%
Q:	How did Hellen Keller burn the side of her face?
A:	She answered the iron.

Q:	How did she burn the other side of her face?
A:	They called back.
%
Q:	How did the elephant get to the top of the oak tree?
A:	He sat on a acorn and waited for spring.

Q:	But how did he get back down?
A:	He crawled out on a leaf and waited for autumn.
%
Q:	How did you get into artificial intelligence?
A:	Seemed logical -- I didn't have any real intelligence.
%
Q:	How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A:	Unique up on it!

Q:	How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A:	The tame way!
%
Q:	How do you fit 1000 dead babies into a phone booth?
A:	Cusinart.

Q:	How do you get them back out?
A:	Doritos.
%
Q:	How do you get a woman to stop having sex with you?
A:	Propose.
%
Q:	How do you hide an elephant in a cherry tree?
A:	Paint his balls red and his toenails green.

Q:	Ever see an elephant in a cherry tree?
A:	No -- so it must work pretty well!

Q:	How did Tarzan die?
A:	Picking cherries!!!
%
Q:	How do you keep a moron in suspense?
%
Q:	How do you know when it's time to wash the dishes?
A:	Look inside your pants; if you have a penis, it's not time.
%
Q:	How do you know when you're in the <ethnic> section of Vermont?
A:	The maple sap buckets are hanging on utility poles.
%
Q:	How do you know your elephant had her period?
A:	There's a nickel on your dresser and your mattress is missing.
%
Q:	How do you make a dead baby float?
A:	With 2 scoops of dead baby and some rootbeer.
%
Q:	How do you make an elephant float?
A:	You get two scoops of elephant and some rootbeer...
%
Q:	How do you pick up a quarter off of Polk Street?
A:	Kick it over to Van Ness.
%
Q:	How do you play religious roulette?
A:	You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets
	struck by lightning first.
%
Q:	How do you tell if an Elephant has been making love in your backyard?
A:	If all your trashcan liners are missing ...
%
Q:	How do you tell if you're making love to a nurse, a schoolteacher,
	or an airline stewardess?
A:	A nurse says: "This won't hurt a bit."
	A schoolteacher says: "We're just going to have to do this over
	and over again until we get it right."
	An airline stewardess says: "Just place this over your mouth and
	nose and breathe normally."

... and bank tellers say "Substantial penalty for early withdrawal."
... and saleswomen say "Thank you, come again soon!"
... and WASP's say "Do you have that in a bigger size?"
... and piano teachers say "Keep those fingers arched! TEMPO! TEMPO!"
%
Q:	How do you tell that your roommate's gay?
A:	When his cock tastes like shit.
%
Q:	How does a girl know she's sleeping with a Computer Scientist?
A:	It isn't hard.
%
Q:	How does a mink get babies?
A:	The same way babes get minks.
%
Q:	How does a single woman in New York get rid of cockroaches?
A:	She asks them for a commitment.
%
Q:	How does a WASP propose marriage?
A:	"How would you like to be buried with my people?"
%
Q:	How does the Polish Constitution differ from the American?
A:	Under the Polish Constitution citizens are guaranteed freedom of
	speech, but under the United States constitution they are
	guaranteed freedom after speech.
		-- being told in Poland, 1987
%
Q:	How many Aggies does it take to eat an armadillo?
A:	Three, one to eat it, and two to watch for traffic.
%
Q:	How many Californians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:	Five.  One to screw in the lightbulb and four to share the
	experience.  (Actually, Californians don't screw in
	lightbulbs, they screw in hot tubs.)

Q:	How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A:	Three.  One to screw in the lightbulb and two to fend off all
	those Californians trying to share the experience.
%
Q:	How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	Three, but they're really only one.
%
Q:	How many Democrats does it take to enjoy a good joke?
A:	One more than you can find.
%
Q:	How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:	NONE!  AND THAT'S NOT FUNNY!!

Q:	How many Radcliffe girls does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	It's "Women"...  AND IT'S NOT FUNNY!!
%
Q:	How many heterosexual males does it take to screw in a light
	bulb, in San Fransisco?
A:	Both of them.
%
Q:	How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A:	Ten.  One to do it, and nine to talk about how gratifying it was
	without a man.
%
Q:	How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	Three.  One to do it, one to watch, and the third to shoot the witness.
%
Q:	How many pre-meds does it take to change a lightbulb?
A:	Five:  One to change the bulb and four to pull the ladder
	out from under him.
%
Q:	How many right-to-lifers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:	Two.  One to screw it in and one to say that light started when the
	screwing began.
%
Q:	How much money do you give to a 900 foot Jesus?
A:	As much as he wants.
%
Q:	How was Thomas J. Watson buried?
A:	9 edge down.
%
Q:	If Tarzan was Jewish, and Jane was a princess, what would Cheetah be?
A:	A fur coat.
%
Q:	What can you use used tampons for?
A:	Tea bags for vampires.
%
Q:	What did Jesus tell the Aggies?
A:	Play dumb until the second coming.
%
Q:	What did Snow white say when told she was pregnant?
A:	"I'd like to thank all the little people who made this possible..."

Presumably this all started that evening when she was feeling Happy...
%
Q:	What did the little ghetto-dweller get for Christmas?
A:	Your bicycle.
%
Q:	What do a blonde and your computer have in common?
A:	You don't know how much either of them mean to you until
	they go down on you.

Q:	What's the advantage to being married to a blonde?
A:	You can park in the handicapped zone.

Q:	Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw
	puzzle in only 6 months?
A:	Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years".
%
Q:	What do a walrus and a tupperware container have in common?
A:	They both like a tight seal.
%
Q:	What do elephants use instead of tampons?
A:	Sheep.  Well, they used to, anyway.  There have been so many cases
	of Toxic Flock Syndrome recently that their ewes has been discouraged.

Q:	Why do elephants have trunks?
A:	Sheep don't have strings.
%
Q:	What do two WASPs say after making love?
A:	Thank you very much.  It'll never happen again.
%
Q:	What do WASPs do instead of making love?
A:	Rule the country.
%
Q:	What do you call a brunette between two blondes?
A:	An interpreter.

Q:	Why do blondes have square breasts?
A:	They forgot to take the tissues out of the box.

Q:	What do you call ten blondes in a row?
A:	A wind tunnel.
%
Q:	What do you call a dog with no legs?
A:	What does it matter?  He can't come anyway.

	[I've got a dog with no legs -- I call him Cigarette.
		Every night, I take him out for a drag.  Ed.]
%
Q:	What do you call a group of kids with low IQ's, drinking diet cola,
	eating fruit, and singing?
A:	The Moron Tab and Apple Choir.
%
Q:	What do you call a million cats at the bottom of Lake Michigan?
A:	A good start.
%
Q:	What do you call a monk who has had a sex change operation?
A:	A transsister.
%
Q:	What do you call a truck load of vibrators?
A:	Toys for twats.
%
Q:	What do you call a woman who can suck a golf ball through 50 feet
	of garden hose?
A1:	Darling.
A2:	Often!
%
Q:	What do you call couples that use that rhythm method?
A:	Parents.
%
Q:	What do you call someone with herpes, AIDS, syphilis, and gonorrhea?
A: 	An incurable romantic.
%
Q:	What do you do if an Irishman throws a pin at you?
A:	Run like hell, he's got a grenade in his mouth!!
%
Q:	What do you do with an elephant with three balls?
A:	Walk him and pitch to the rhino.
%
Q:	What do you get when cross a lawyer with a sorority girl??
A:	A woman that, when she goes down on you, gets blood.
%
Q:	What do you get when you cross a computer and a JAP (Jewish
	American Princess)?
A:	A computer that won't go down.
%
Q:	What's the difference between a JAP (Jewish American Princess)
	and a baby elephant?
A:	About 10 pounds.

Q:	How do you make them the same?
A:	Force feed the elephant.
%
Q:	What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a prostitute?
A:	Your last blowjob.
%
Q:	What do you get when you cross a rooster with a telephone pole?
A:	A thirty foot cock that wants to reach out and touch someone!
%
Q:	What do you get when you cross an onion with a donkey?
A:	Well, most of the time you get an onion with big ears, but every
	once in a while you get a piece of ass that will bring tears to
	your eyes...
%
Q:	What do you get when you cross James Dean with Ronald Reagan?
A:	A rebel without a clue.
%
Q:	What do you get when you stuff a flaming stick down a rabbit-hole?
A:	Hot cross bunnies!
%
Q:	What do you have if you have a moth ball in one hand and a
	moth ball in the other hand?
A:	One hell of a big moth!
%
Q:	What does a blonde do first thing in the morning?
A:	She goes home.

Q:	Why does blonde have fur on the hem of her dress?
A:	To keep her neck warm.

Q:	How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday?
A:	Tell her a joke on Friday.
%
Q:	What goes
		Click.  "Did I get it?"
		Click.  "Did I get it?"
		Click.  "Did I get it?"
		Click.  "Did I get it?"
A:	Stevie Wonder doing the Rubik's Cube.
%
Q:	What goes green, red, green, red, pink, pink, pink?
A:	A frog in a blender.

Q:	What do you get if you add 2 eggs to it??
A:	Frognogg.  If you drink it, you croak.
%
Q:	What goes red, white, red, white, pink, pink, pink?
A:	Baby in a blender.

Q:	Why do you put a baby in a blender feet first?
A:	So you can watch the expression on its little face.
%
Q:	What goes: Sis!  Boom!  Baaaaah!
A:	Exploding sheep.
%
Q:	What is green and comes in Brownies?
A:	Boy Scouts.
%
Q:	What is Smoorplay?
A:	What Smurfs do before they smuck!
%
Q:	What is the difference between snow-men and snow-women?
A:	Snowballs!
%
Q:	What is the last thing a Kansas stripper takes off?
A:	Her bowling shoes.
%
Q:	What is the mating call of a blonde?
A:	I think I'm drunk.

Q:	What's the call of a disappointed blonde?
A:	I *said*, I *think* I'm drunk!

Q:	What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
A:	(Screaming) "I said: I'm drunk!"
%
Q:	What is the sound of one cat napping?
A:	Mu.
%
Q:	What is the worst story Helen Keller ever read?
A:	A cheese grater.
%
Q:	What's a JAP's (Jewish American Princess) dream house?
A:	Fourteen rooms in Scarsdale, no kitchen, no bedroom.
%
Q:	What's black and white and red all over and can't go through
	revolving doors?
A:	A nun with a javelin through her head.
%
Q:	What's black and white and red all over?
A:	Half a nun.
%
Q:	What's black and white and red all over?
A:	Two nuns in a chainsaw fight.
%
Q:	What's bruised, bleeding, and lies in a ditch?
A:	Somebody who tells Aggie jokes.
%
Q:	What's invisible and smells like carrots?
A:	Bunny farts.
%
Q:	What's Jewish foreplay?
A:	Two hours of begging.
%
Q:	What's meaner than a pit bull with AIDS?
A:	The guy that gave it to him.
%
Q:	What's more fearsome than a grizzly bear with AIDS?
A:	The guy he got it from.
%
Q:	What's red and covered with little dents?
A:	Snow White's cherry.
%
Q:	What's the Blonde's cheer?
A:	I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B - L - O - uhh ... ah ... oh well..
	I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea...

Q:	What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A:	Artificial intelligence.

Q:	How do you make a blonde's eyes light up?
A:	Shine a flashlight in her ear.
%
Q:	What's the difference between "Oooh" and "Aaah"?
A:	About three inches.
%
Q:	What's the difference between a cocker spaniel and a doberman
	pinscher humping your leg?
A:	You let the doberman finish.
%
Q:	What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
A:	About four drinks.
%
Q:	What's the difference between a Fairy Tale, and a War Story?
A:	Nothing, except Fairy Tales start off with "Once upon a time".
	War Stories start off with "No shit, this really happened".

	[I thought Fairy Tales started off, "Honey, I'm gonna be at the
	office a little late, tonight...  Ed.]
%
Q:	What's the difference between a hold-up and a stick-up?
A:	Age.
%
Q:	What's the difference between a man and a toilet?
A:	A toilet doesn't follow you around for a week after you flush it.
%
Q:	What's the difference between a man and the weekend?
A:	The weekend never comes too soon.
%
Q:	What's the difference between a RHU cheerleader and a whale?
A:	The moustache.
%
Q:	What's the difference between a sorority girl and a fast car?
A:	Not everyone's been in a fast car.
%
Q:	What's the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A:	The taste.
%
Q:	What's the difference between Bell Labs and the Boy Scouts of America?
A:	The Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
%
Q:	What's the difference between erotic and kinky?
A:	Erotic is when you use a feather.  Kinky is when you use the
	whole bird...
%
Q:	What's the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon
	and Ronald Reagan?
A:	One always told the truth, one always lied, and one can't tell the
	difference.
%
Q:	What's the difference between hard and dark?
A:	It stays dark all night.
%
Q:	What's the last thing that goes through a grasshopper's mind when
	he hits your windshield?
A:	His ass.

Q.	What's the second-to-last thing to go through a grasshopper's
	mind when he hits your windshield?
A.	Oh, SHIT!!
%
Q:	What's the worst thing about being an atheist?
A:	Noone to talk to when you're having an orgasm.
%
Q:	What's white and crawls up your leg?
A:	Uncle Ben's Perverted Rice.
%
Q:	What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?
A:	Getting fingered by Captain Hook!
%
Q:	Where can you buy black lace crotchless panties for sheep?
A:	Fredrick's of Ithaca, New York.
%
Q:	Where does Catwoman go for a good time?
A:	To the batpoles, Robin!
%
Q:	Where does virgin wool come from?
A:	Ugly sheep.
%
Q:	Why are babies born with soft spots on their heads?
A:	So you can pick 'em up five at a time.
%
Q:	Why are Unix emulators like your right hand?
A:	They're just pussy substitutes!
%
Q:	Why can't Hellen Keller have children?
A:	Because she's dead.
%
Q:	Why did Captain Kirk piss on the bridge?
A:	He wanted to boldly go where no man had gone before!
%
Q:	Why did God invent booze?
A:	So ugly men could get laid too.
%
Q:	Why did Hellen Keller go all the way on her first date?
A:	She'd never been taught to say no.
%
Q:	Why did Ted Kennedy report the accident 8 hours after Mary
	Jo Kopechne drowned?
A:	Do you have any idea how hard it is to dress a woman underwater?
%
Q:	Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall?
A:	To see what was on the other side.

Q:	Why do blondes like tilt steering wheels?
A:	More head room.

Q:	How does a blonde turn on the light after having sex?
A:	She opens the car door.
%
Q:	Why did the epileptic cross the road?
A:	He couldn't help it.

Q:	What do you do if an epileptic has a seizure in the bathtub?
A:	Throw in the dirty clothes and some laundry detergent.
%
Q:	Why did the germ cross the microscope?
A:	To get to the other slide.
%
Q:	Why did the mathematician name his dog "Cauchy"?
A:	Because he left a residue at every pole.
%
Q:	Why do dogs lick their balls?
A:	'Cause they can!

(Real answer: 'Cause they can't curl their little paws into fists...)
%
Q:	Why do elephants wear springs on their feet?
A:	So they can jump into trees and rape mice.

Q:	What is the most fearsome sound in the world to a mouse?
A:	BOING!!  BOING!!  BOING!!
%
Q:	Why do men die before their wives?
A:	They want to.
%
Q:	Why do men marry women?
A:	You can't teach sheep to do housework.
%
Q:	Why do mice have such small balls?
A:	Very few of them know how to dance!
%
Q:	Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?
A:	Because a sheep can hear the sound of a zipper from fifty feet away.
		-- Iain MacKintosh, Glasgow folksinger
%
Q:	Why do women have vaginas?
A:	So when they're drunk, you can carry them like a six-pack.
%
Q:	Why do women love Pacman?
A:	Only place you can get eaten three times for a quarter.
%
Q:	Why does an elephant have 4 feet?
A:	Because 8 inches isn't enough.
%
Q:	Why does Helen Keller masturbate with one hand?
A:	So she can moan with the other!
%
Q:	Why don't blind people skydive?
A:	It scares the dogs!

Q:	How can a blind skydiver tell when he is near the ground?
A:	The leash goes slack.
%
Q:	Why don't blondes eat pickles?
A:	Because they get their head stuck in the jars.

Q:	Why do blondes wear underwear?
A:	To keep their ankles warm.

Q:	How do you kill a blonde?
A:	Put spikes in her shoulder pads.
%
Q:	Why is Mrs. Carter always on top when she and Jimmy make love?
A:	Because all Jimmy Carter can do is fuck up.
%
Q:	Why is Sister Pat the way she is?
A:	Because when she was 16, a group of boys tied her up and
	gang-rejected her.
%
Q:	Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A:	It takes too long to retrain them.

Q:	What's the mating call of the brunette?
A:	All the blondes have gone home!

Q:	How do you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A:	There's white-out on the screen.
%
Q:	Why was Cinderella banished from the Magic Kingdom?
A:	For sitting on Pinocchio's face and screaming, "Tell the truth!
	Tell a lie!  Tell the truth!  Tell a lie!"
%
Q:      What's the difference between VMS and PMS?

A1:     PMS is only a problem for some people.
A2:     PMS is only a problem for part of the month.
A3:     The drugstore has remedies for PMS.
A4:     People with PMS get sympathy.
A5:     People with PMS don't wish they were UNIX.
%
Q:	What do you say to a Puerto Rican in a three-piece suit?
A:	Will the defendant please rise?
%
What do hookers do on their nights off, type?
		-- Elayn Boosler
%
What's on the floor of the old hen-house?
Doo-doo, doo-doo.
		-- Foghorn Leghorn, to "Camptown Ladies"
%
Why does Dr. Pepper come in a bottle?

Because his wife left him.  But things are looking up for their reconciliation.
Seems that when she left, she took his word processor, and she's been renting
it out occasionally in Japan.  That is, every now and then she gets a yen for
his Wang.
%
Why is it that there are so many more horses' asses than there are horses?
		-- G. Gordon Liddy
%
Q:	Heard about the <ethnic> who couldn't spell?
A:	He spent the night in a warehouse.
%
Q:	How do you know when you're in the <ethnic> section of Vermont?
A:	The maple sap buckets are hanging on utility poles.
%
Q:	What does friendship among Soviet nationalities mean?
A:	It means that the Armenians take the Russians by the hand; the
	Russians take the Ukrainians by the hand; the Ukranians take
	the Uzbeks by the hand; and they all go and beat up the Jews.
%