(1) I'm Not Rudolph; That's Not My Nose
(2) The Nutcracker Swede
(3) Santa Goes Round-The-World
(4) Not-So-Tiny Tim
(5) Ninja Reindeer Killfest '88
(6) Yes, Yes, Oh God Yes, Virginia
(7) Crisco Kringle
(8) Babes in Boyland
(9) Santa's Magic Lap
(10) Hot Buttered Elves
-- David Letterman's "Top Ten Christmas Movies in Times Square"
10 greatest lies of all time:
(1) I love you.
(2) This won't hurt a bit.
(3) The Mercedes is paid for.
(4) The check is in the mail.
(5) I was just going to call you.
(6) I've always worn cowboy boots.
(7) I swear I won't come in your mouth.
(8) Of course I'll respect you in the morning.
(9) We have a really challenging assignment for you.
(10) I'm from the government, and I'm here to help you.
10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:
(1) A beer NEVER leaves the toilet seat up.
(2) A beer lasts longer than seven seconds.
(3) A beer doesn't want to watch pro wrestling.
(4) A beer won't expect you to cook dinner when you're not hungry.
(5) A beer will never leave dirty socks on the floor.
(6) A beer doesn't mind when your mother visits.
(7) A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining.
(8) A beer won't leave you for a younger woman.
(9) A beer won't leave you for a younger man either.
(10) A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow.
10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:
(1) A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling.
(2) A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Steelers'
(3) A beer won't even act amazed if you can.
(4) You don't have to let a beer win.
(5) Just because you have dinner with a beer doesn't mean you have to
sleep with it, too.
(6) A beer helps with the housework.
(7) A beer will never fumble with your bra.
(8) A beer will never take the newspaper apart before you've read it.
(9) A beer doesn't want you to raise its children.
(10) A beer wouldn't mind if you wanted it to wear a condom.
10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:
(1) Having a beer can't make you pregnant.
(2) A beer doesn't wouldn't trade you in on a sports car.
(3) If a beer did have a sports car, it wouldn't love it more than you.
(4) A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers.
(5) A beer wouldn't waste its money on Playbeer magazine.
(6) You don't have to worry about getting AIDS from a bisexual beer.
(7) A beer won't switch the TV channel.
(8) A beer doesn't snore.
(9) A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carbueretor.
(10) A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat.
10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:
(1) A beer won't make you go to church.
(2) A beer is more likely to know how to spell "carburetor" than a
(3) A beer doesn't think baseball is stupid simply because the guys
(4) A beer doesn't give a [expletive deleted] if you keep a bunch of
other beers on the side.
(5) A beer will not call you a sexist pig if you say "doberman"
instead of "doberperson".
(6) A beer won't get a job as a DJ and play 5 straight hours of
lesbian folk music on yer fave radio station.
(7) A beer understands why The Three Stooges are funny.
(8) A beer won't raise a fuss about a little thing like leaving the
toilet seat up.
(9) A beer doesn't think that a "three-hundred-fifty cubic-inch V8"
is an enormous can of vegetable juice.
(10) A beer won't smoke in your car.
10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:
(1) Beer understands the difference between shooting down an
unidentified aircraft in a war zone and blowing a Korean airliner
out of the sky.
(2) A beer would never own a car with an automatic transmission.
(3) A beer never fishes for compliments.
(4) Beer tastes good.
(5) A beer can enjoy an evening of watching "Johnny-the-Wadd-Holmes'
Greatest Hits" as much as you do.
(6) An ice-cold beer will nonetheless let you have your way with it.
(7) A beer won't ask you to pick up some tampons when you go to the store.
(8) Beer never asks you to change the station.
(9) A beer won't fill up your 'Vette with 85-octane gas because it's
twenty cents less expensive.
(10) A beer won't make you eat experimental vegetarian meals that taste
10 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:
(1) You can enjoy a beer all month.
(2) Beer stains wash out.
(3) Beer doesn't go crazy once a month.
(4) Beer never makes you wait.
(5) A beer doesn't get jealous when you grab another beer.
(6) Beer doesn't have a lawyer "in the family".
(7) A beer won't get upset if you come home with beer on your breath.
(8) Beer doesn't demand equality.
(9) Beer labels come off without a fight.
(10) Beer doesn't mind being in the "wet spot" that IT left.
11 reasons a cucumber is better than a man:
(1) Cucumbers can stay up all night,
and you won't have to sleep in the wet spot.
(2) Cucumbers don't play the guitar and try to find themselves.
(3) You won't find out later that your cucumber
...is on penicillin
...likes you -- but loves your brother!
(4) A cucumber won't care what time of the month it is.
(5) A cucumber never wants to get it on when your nails are wet.
(6) Cucumbers don't say "Let's keep trying until we have a boy".
(7) Cucumbers won't tell you size doesn't count.
(8) A cucumber won't leave you for a cheerleader or an ex-nun.
(9) Cucumbers don't fall asleep on your chest or drool on the pillow.
(10) Cucumbers don't care if you make more money than they do.
(11) With a cucumber, the toilet seat is always the way you left it.
15 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Man:
(1) A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook.
(2) Tall, dark, good-looking beers are common.
(3) A beer won't steal all the covers.
(4) A beer doesn't have friends who will drink all your beer.
(5) A beer wouldn't yell if you dented the car.
(6) A beer doesn't buy everything labelled "turbo".
(7) You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes.
(8) A beer is not kinky unless you want it to be kinky.
(9) A beer always lets you read the Sunday comics first.
(10) A beer doesn't think poetry is queer.
(11) If the beer is finished before you are, you can have another beer.
(12) A beer won't talk about the women who had it before you.
(13) A beer's life does not revolve around the world series.
(14) A beer won't mind at all if you're not in the mood for beer.
(15) A beer will NEVER call you "Babe". Or "Sugar".
20 Reasons Why a Beer is Bettern than a Man:
(1) A beer never leaves the toilet seat up.
(2) A beer doesn't want to watch pro wrestling.
(3) A beer does as many chores as a man, with a LOT less complaining.
(4) You don't have to worry about getting AIDS from a bisexual beer.
(5) A beer won't tease you because you once liked Barry Manilow.
(6) A beer doesn't want to go out alone with the other beers.
(7) A beer doesn't care that you can't find your car's carburator.
(8) A beer doesn't think black leather bikinis are neat.
(9) A beer won't steal the covers.
(10) A beer doesn't buy everything labelled "turbo".
(11) A beer doesn't think poetry is queer.
(12) A beer can't talk about the women who had it before you.
(13) A beer tastes good.
(14) A beer will never invite friends home for dinner without calling.
(15) A beer won't think less of you if you can't name the Steelers'
(16) You don't have to let a beer win.
(17) A beer always lets you read the Sunday comics first.
(18) A beer will never call you "Babe". Or "Sugar-hips".
(19) A beer doesn't care that you don't balance your checkbook.
(20) You don't have to laugh at a beer's jokes.
6802 hackers make great use of the SEX instruction.
69 + 69 = dinner for 4.
77. HO HUM -- The Redundant
------- (7) This hexagram refers to a situation of extreme
--- --- (8) boredom. Your programs always bomb off. Your wife
------- (7) smells bad. Your children have hives. You are working
---O--- (6) on an accounting system, when you want to develop the
---X--- (9) GREAT AMERICAN COMPILER. You give up hot dates to
--- --- (8) nurse sick computers. What you need now is sex.
Nine in the second place means:
The yellow bird approaches the malt shop. Misfortune.
Six in the third place means:
In former times men built altars to honor the Internal Revenue
Service. Great Dragons! Are you in trouble!
8 Reasons Why a Beer is Better Than a Woman:
(1) You rarely (if ever) find beer labels on the shower curtain rod.
(2) A beer doesn't care when you come.
(3) Beer doesn't have a mother.
(4) Beer doesn't need much closet space.
(5) A beer won't accuse you of lying when you say you read Playboy
"just for the articles".
(6) Beer doesn't mind seeing Chuck Norris and Charles Bronson flicks.
(7) Beer doesn't always want to go to the 'powder room' with everyone
(8) When you're through with a beer, the thought of another beer
doesn't make you ill.
9 reasons a taco is better than a woman:
(1) Tacos don't put frilly covers on the toilet seat so the lid won't
(2) Tacos don't use your razor on their legs.
(3) Tacos don't say "That's okay, it doesn't have to be good for me."
(4) Tacos don't get upset if you eat another taco, "Just for fun."
(5) Tacos will never contest a divorce, demand a property settlement,
or seek custody of anything.
(6) Tacos won't ask you about your last lover, or speculate about your
(7) A taco will never make a scene because there are other tacos in the
(8) It's easy to drop a taco.
(9) Tacos don't want to sleep on your chest.
A beachcomber of 25 had been shipwrecked on a desert island since the age of
six. One day, while in search of food, he stumbled across a beautifully
sensuous female lying on the beach nearly naked; she'd been washed ashore from
another shipwreck that morning. After they got over their initial surprise
at seeing each other, the girl wanted to know how long he had been alone on
this barren bit of land.
"Almost twenty years," he answered.
"Twenty years!" she exclaimed. "But how ever did you survive?"
"Oh, I fish, dig for clams, and gather berries and coconuts," he
"And what do you do for sex?" she asked.
"What's that?" He looked puzzled.
Whereupon the maiden pulled the innocent young man down onto the sand
beside her and proceeded to demonstrate. After they had finished, she asked
how he had enjoyed it.
"Great!" was the reply. "But look what it did to my clamdigger!"
A beautiful, voluptous woman goes to see a gynecologist. The doctor takes
one look at this woman and his professionalism is a thing of the past. Right
away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her
thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"
"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological
"Correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts.
"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he says.
"Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast
"That's right," replies the doctor. He then gradually proceeds to
having sexual intercourse with her. "Do you know," he pants, "what I'm doing
"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes."
A big store buyer had been on the road for nearly two months. Each week he
would send his wife a telegram saying,
"Can't come home yet. Still buying."
His wife knew that these buying trips usually involved more than business.
She tolerated this particular jaunt for a while, but when the third month
rolled by and she'd still seen nothing of her husband but the weekly telegrams,
she wired him,
"Better come home. I'm selling what you're buying."
A bisexual is a man who likes girls as well as the next fellow.
A business executive is consumed by jealousy: he suspects his wife
of cheating on him. The suspicion grows and grows, and one morning as he
drives to work he can't take it any more. He thinks to himself, "she
probably just waited until I left so she could meet with her lover."
When he gets to his office, he calls home. The maid answers. He
says, "Hello. Is my wife there?"
"Yes, sir", the maid whispers.
"Is she with her lover?"
The maid pauses, and then says, "Yes, sir, she is, and I must say
that I feel terrible about how she treats you."
The man yells, "That no good **#*&!!. If you feel as badly as you
say you do, you must do this for me: go to my dresser and get my gun. Check
to make sure that it's loaded. Then go upstairs and shoot both that cheating
two-timing whore and her lover. Dispose of the gun, and then come back to
the phone and tell me that it's over. Don't worry -- I'll protect you."
The man hears footsteps, a drawer being opened, a click, more footsteps,
silence... and then two shots. More footsteps. Finally the maid comes back
to the phone and says "It's done."
The man asks, "What did you do with the gun?"
"I threw it behind the statue in the garden", the maid replies.
"Statue in the garden? Say, what number is this, anyway?"
A businessman was awe-struck by the beautiful redhead at the hotel bar.
Seeing his interest, she quietly informed him that she was a prostitute
and that her price was $500. He was taken aback by the price, but after
a few minutes of thought he took her up to his room. She spent a few
minutes in the bathroom and was shocked when she came out to see him
masturbating furiously on the bed. "What are you doing?", she asked.
"Baby, for $500, you're not going to get the easy one!"
A chiseler is a man who goes stag to a wife-swapping party.
A drunk was sitting at the end of the bar in a popular single's place,
watching a young, good-looking man working his way through the women. The
guy didn't appear to be having much luck, and he was only spending a few
moments with each woman. As he worked his way closer, while he couldn't
hear what the young man was saying, he realized that the women were somewhat
shocked at his approach. Finally, the man approaches a pretty brunette and
they hit it off immediately. After a bit of quiet conversation, she handed
the young man her hotel key and they started off for the elevators. As they
passed the drunk, he stopped the lucky one and asked him what his method was.
"Well," the man replied, "It's simple. You say 'Tickle your ass
with a feather?' If she sounds interested, you take it from there. If she
sounds angry, you smile and say 'Typically nasty weather.'"
The drunk says "Ohhhhh, got it, I got it!" and walks over to a woman
at the end of the bar to try out his new approach. Getting her attention,
he smiles and says "Fuck me!"
"What?!?!?" she screams.
"Raining like hell, isn't it?"
A farmer decides that his three sows should be bred, and contacts a
buddy down the road, who owns several boars. They agree on a stud fee, and
the farmer puts the sows in his pickup and takes them down the road to the
boars. He leaves them all day, and when he picks them up that night, asks
the man how he can tell if it "took" or not. The breeder replies that if,
the next morning, the sows were grazing on grass, they were pregnant, but if
they were rolling in the mud as usual, they probably weren't.
Comes the morn, the sows are rolling in the mud as usual, so the
farmer puts them in the truck and brings them back for a second full day of
frolic. This continues for a week, since each morning the sows are rolling
in the mud.
Around the sixth day, the farmer wakes up and tells his wife, "I
don't have the heart to look again. This is getting ridiculous. You check
today." With that, the wife peeks out the bedroom window and starts to laugh.
"What is it?" asks the farmer excitedly. "Are they grazing at last?"
"Nope." replies his wife. "Two of them are jumping up and down in
the back of your truck, and the other one is honking the horn!"
A fool is a man who worries about whether or not his lover has integrity.
A wise man, on the other hand, busies himself with deeper attributes.
A friend of mine received a note through the mail advising him,
"If you don't stop making love to my wife, I'll kill you."
The trouble is, the note wasn't signed.
A gambler was telling a friend about his first junket to Las Vegas and how
hard it was to get any sleep.
"I was awakened at one, two and four in the morning by a
drunken chorus girl banging on the door and screaming," he recalled.
"That's terrible," the friend said." How'd you ever get any sleep?"
"At five o'clock I unlocked the door and let her out."
A gorgeous young sophomore is having an affair with her English
professor. She goes home to visit her family for Christmas vacation
and when she gets back, she immediately invites him over for the
night. As soon as he walks through the door she hugs him and
asks, "Were you blue while I was away?"
"Blown, my dear," the professor corrects her, "blown."
A group of scientists discovered an apelike creature in the jungle, which
they hoped would prove to be the missing link. The proof of their theory,
however, required that a human mate with the animal so that they could see
what characteristics the offspring would assume. Needing volunteers, the
scientists placed an ad in the paper: "$5000 to mate with ape."
Almost immediately, they received response from a man who said he
would be willing to take part in the experiment, with three conditions.
"First," he said, "my wife must never know. Second, any children
must be baptized. And, third, I'd have to pay in installments."
A guy comes into a bar with a frog and sets it down next to the prettiest
"This is a very special frog," he informs her. "His name is Charlie."
"What's so special about this frog?" she asks.
He's reluctant to tell her, but when pressed, explains that,
"This frog can eat pussy."
The girl slaps him, knocking him off his chair, and accuses him of telling her
a filthy lie. But no, he assures her, it's completely true. And after much
discussion, she agrees to come back to his apartment to see the frog in action.
She positions herself appropriately, the guy carefully takes out the frog, and
says, "Okay, Charlie, do your stuff!" The frog is immobile, despite his
owner's exhortations, and the girl starts to snicker.
"Okay, Charlie, do your stuff!"
"C'mon Charlie, do your stuff!"
By now, the girl is laughing openly.
"Okay, Charlie," says the guy, moving the frog out of the way, "I'm
only going to show you one more time."
A guy finishes his 9 to 5, but, instead of going straight home, stops
in at a local bar for a drink. He gets his beer, turns around to sit down,
and finds himself face to face with a ravishing blonde. The two strike up a
conversation, and really hit it off. After a couple drinks they leave the bar
go back to her pad, to peruse her etchings. Which doesn't take long -- by
seven they were happily engaged in intimate scratching.
'Round about midnight the guy rolled over in bed and spotted the clock:
"Midnight! Already! I gotta get home! Honey, you have any baby powder?"
He jumps out of bed and starts pulling his pants on, trying to find his shoes.
"Baby powder?" she asks. But she comes back from the bathroom and
hands him the powder. He frantically shakes it all over his hands, kisses her
goodbye, and runs out the front door.
He gets home, and sure enough, there's his wife, waiting in the
"Okay," she mutters, "let's have it."
"Well," he says sheepishly, looking down at his feet. "Okay. I went
to a bar after work and met a gorgeous blonde and we really hit it off. We
had a few drinks and went back to her place, and well, see..."
"Oh yeah?" she says, "let me see your hands... Don't you lie to me!
You've been bowling again!"
A hand in a bird is worth two on 'er bush.
A hand in the bush is worth two on the bird.
A hard man is good to find.
A hunter saved a native boy from a boa constrictor. In gratitude, the boy gave
the hunter a magic gorilla prick. The lad said the prick would do anything you
told it to do until you told it to do something else. When the hunter returned
home to England, he put the magic gorilla prick on the mantle along with some
of his other trophies. His wife thought it quaint and his story charming. But
soon, the hunter went a-safariing again. He was away for months. One evening,
the woman eyed the MGP carefully and whispered, "Gorilla Prick, fuck me."
Whereupon the thing jumped off the mantle and began to bang her with great
thoroughness and ferocity. For the first twenty minutes it was pure heaven,
but after the next few minutes it became fatiguing, and she said, "Stop it,
Gorilla Prick," but it didn't. After a bit more she was screaming "Stop!
Stop!" at the thing and trying to pull it out of her smoking hole. But nothing
worked. Finally, the butler bursts into the room, summoned by her screams.
"Saunders, help me please!"
"But what is it, Madame?"
"It's a Magic Gorilla Prick!"
"Gorilla prick, my ass!! ... AAAaaeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiii!!!!!!"
A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms. When
she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair. The man shouted,
"What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there."
The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want to do, knit or fuck?"
A lively case was in progress in the District Court at Lick Skillet. Judge
Flannery was presiding, and on the witness stand was Tush Bumpass.
"From where ah was standin'", drawled Tush, "Ah could see he'd
backed 'er up agin' thet there wall, and ef Ah ever sawed a screwin' match,
thet one wuz!"
"Mr. Bumpass," the Judge interrupted, "I'd prefer that you not use
the word 'screw' in the courtroom. Say 'intercourse' instead."
Tush looked puzzled. "Intercourse? Whut's thet, Judge?"
His Honor sighed. "It's a technicality of language that you're
probably not aware of. Never mind. Please continue."
"Well, like ah said, he had 'er shoved up agin' thet wall, an' he
was... uh... intercoursin' 'er, an' he give 'er the crossjostle, the Chicago
Stroke, an she let out with a holler thet..."
"One moment," interrupted the Bench. "What is this, ah, Chicago
Stroke, Mr. Bumpass?"
"Well, thet's a technicality of screwin', Judge, thet you're probably
not aware of!"
A lover without indiscretion is no lover at all.
-- Thomas Hardy
A man and a woman got married. Although it is the first time for the
husband, it is the woman's second marriage. As they go to bed on their
wedding night, the wife says to her husband:
"Dear, there's something I must tell you. I'm a virgin."
Naturally, the husband is surprised.
"You've been married before!", he says, "How can you still be a
"Well, it's all quite simple," she retorted, "my husband was a
"What's so odd about that?", he asked. "Why would you still be
a virgin after a marriage to a programmer?"
"Well", she said, "all he did was sit on the edge of the bed and
tell me how great it was going to be."
A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen
or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
-- Joan Rivers
A man goes into a hospital for a routine appendectomy. When he wakes up
from the anesthesia, he sees a large group of doctors gathered anxiously
around his bed.
"What happened?" he asks worriedly.
"Well," says one of the doctors, "there was a small clerical error,
and you got mixed-up with another patient. Instead of an appendectomy, we
performed a sex-change operation. Your penis has been removed and a vagina
has been crafted into place."
"WHAT!!!" screams the man. "That's horrible! What am I going to
tell my wife? Can't you reverse it? This means I'm never going to experience
"Well, you will, you *will*," reassures the doctor, "but it will, of
course, have to be someone else's."
A man is as old as the woman he feels.
-- Groucho Marx
A man is driving down the road on his way to Salerno. By the roadside he
sees a man hitchhiking and stops to pick him up. As the man gets into his
car he suddenly pulls out a gun and makes the driver get out of the car.
"All right, buddy," says the man, "I want to you jerk off."
"What!?" says the man, disbelievingly.
"Go ahead, do it!" says the hitchhiker.
So the driver masturbates, and when he is through, says, "All right,
I did what you wanted, can I go now?"
"Nope," says the hijacker. "Do it again."
"Again?" the driver exclaims. "I just did it."
"Do it again."
It takes a little longer this time, but he manages to come again.
Panting, he turns to his tormenter and again asks if he can leave.
"Yes," the man replies, "but only after you've done it one more
The guy is really scared now; he's starting to sweat. It takes him
twenty minutes, this time, but he finally comes a third time.
"Listen, buddy, can I please leave now?"
"Yeah," says the man, lowering his gun. "And this is my daughter;
I want you to drive her into Salerno."
A man is marooned on a desert island with a female sheep and a male Doberman
for companionship. The animals soon get it on sexually, and all goes well
until the man becomes unbearably horny and makes his move for the ewe, at
which point the dog interposes himself, snarling, fangs bared. Months later,
a raft drifts into sight. The sailor swims out, finds a beautiful girl on it,
takes her to shore and feeds and comforts her.
"You are so good to me," she responds gratefully. "I'd do absolutely
anything to show my gratitude."
"Would you?" smiles the sailor as he unfastens the length of rope
that holds up his ragged pants. "Well, then, here -- use this as a leash
and take that damn dog for a walk!"
A man is playing golf at a very exclusive country club when he hits a hole-
in-one. As he takes his ball from the cup, a genie appears.
"Since you've made a hole in one, you may have a single wish. What
is your heart's desire?"
"Great!", replies the man. I want a longer penis."
"Your wish is granted," says the genie, and promptly disappears.
As the golfer continues through the rest of the course he can
feel his penis slowly growing, to an extent that it's becoming uncomfortable.
By the time he completes the 18th hole it's extended down his pants leg to
his knee. Thinking to himself that this isn't quite what he had in mind, he
grabs a bucket of balls and heads back out onto the course. Three weeks later,
he manages another hole-in-one and the genie reappears.
"Since you've made a hole in one, you may have a single wish. What
is your heart's desire?"
"Yeah, I know all that," replies the man. "Listen, could you make
my legs longer?"
A man marries to have a home, but also because he doesn't want to be
bothered with sex and all that sort of thing.
-- W. Somerset Maugham, "The Circle"
A man met a beautiful young woman in a bar. They got along well,
shared dinner, and had a marvelous evening. When he left her, he told her
that he had really enjoyed their time together, and hoped to see her again,
soon. Smiling yes, she gave him her phone number.
The next day, he called her up and asked her to go dancing. She
agreed. As they talked, he jokingly asked her what her favorite flower was.
Realizing his intentions, she told him that he shouldn't bring her flowers
-- if he wanted to bring her a gift, well, he should bring her a Swiss Army
Surprised, and not a little intrigued, he spent a large part of the
afternoon finding a particularly unusual one. Arriving at her apartment
he immediately presented her with the knife. She ooohed and ahhhed over it
for a minute, and then carefully placed it in a drawer, that the man couldn't
help but see was full of Swiss Army knives.
Surprised, he asked her why she had collected so many.
"Well, I'm young and attractive now", blushed the woman, "but that
won't always be true. And boy scouts will do anything for a Swiss Army knife!"
A man needs a mistress, just to break the monogamy.
A man never minds being in the doghouse as long as he can get his tail outside.
A man sat down next to another passenger on a train recently and couldn't
help overhearing his conversation out the window with a man standing on
the train platform.
"Thanks for putting me up while I was here, Sam," said the passenger.
"Glad to do it," said the other man.
"Thanks for the food and the drinks -- everything was wonderful."
"It was a pleasure," said the man.
"And thank your wife, Sam, she was great," said the passenger,
"she was a truly great lay."
The man was rather taken aback by this exchange and he later turned
to his fellow passenger and said: "Pardon me sir, but did I understand you
to say that your friend's wife was a great lay?"
"Well," said the other passenger, "I didn't REALLY enjoy it. But
Sam is a helluva nice guy."
A man was just settling down into his seat for a cross-country
flight when he noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him, wearing a
large button with the letters "NAA" on it.
"What's that?" he asked, pointing to her button.
"Nymphomaniacs Association of America" she replied.
After a moments thought he said, "Well, if you wouldn't mind my
asking, but I've always wanted to know, who are the best, ummm, `endowed'
"Well, it's not what you think. Native Americans. They're better
hung than *anybody*."
"And is it true that the French are the best lovers?"
"No, Jewish men. Once you finally get them going they can last
all night. By the way, my name is Sue. What's yours?"
"Running Bear Sheldon."
A man was playing golf one day when a little frog hopped out the water at a
water hazard and croaked, "I am a magic frog, and since you are the 10,000th
person to play through here, I'm prepared to offer you one of two magic gifts:
First, for a whole year you can have the most fabulous sex life that anyone
ever had; beyond your wildest dreams. Or, second, for a whole year you can
be the best golfer the world has ever known. Which do you prefer?" The man
thought a bit and said that he'd take the golf. Well, the man holed his wood
shot from where he was, completed the course in an average of 2 per hole, and
went round in 22. Quickly he attracted the attention of the sports world,
and became the world's best-known golfer, setting course records wherever
he went. A year later he was playing the same course inhabited by the frog,
and at the water hazard the frog hopped out and said, "Well, the year is up,
and you now revert to the 18-handicap player you were before. But tell me, I
was a little surprised that you chose the golf -- I take it your sex life is
outstanding?" The man said, "Well, I have no complaints in that department
at all, which is why I chose the golf." "How many times did you engage in sex
last year?" inquired the frog. The man thought a little and said, "Oh, eight
or ten times, I guess." "Damn," said the frog, "that doesn't strike me as very
satisfactory." "Oh, I don't know," replied the man, "it doesn't seem so bad
for a Catholic priest from a little town in South Dakota."
A man was traveling cross-country one summer from New York to LA.
He arrived in Needles, CA late one night and pulled into an Exxon for some
gas. When he pulled up to the gas pumps, he noticed that all of the lights
were off. Suddenly, he heard a faint sound from outside. He wasn't sure
what he'd heard, so he rolled down his window and heard a faint cry,
"Help... help... help". He got out of his car, and sure enough there was
a guy stooped down in the corner, stark naked with his wrists tied to his
ankles. He walked up to the guy and said, "Hey, man, what happened to you?"
"These guys pulled me out of my car, took my money, my wallet, my
clothes, tied my wrists to my ankles, and then stole my car!!"
"Damn!", replied the first man as he unzipped his pants. "This just
hasn't been your day, has it?"
A man who likes to lie in bed can usually find a girl willing to listen to him.
A midget had a date with a very tall girl. It was a quiff-hanger.
A mother and her daughter came to the doctor's office. The mother
asked the doctor to examine her daughter. "She has been having some strange
symptoms and I'm worried about her," the mother said.
The doctor examined the daughter carefully. Then he announced,
"Madam, I believe your daughter is pregnant."
The mother gasped. "That's nonsense!" she said. "Why, my little
girl has never even been out with a man, let alone... let alone..." She
turns to the girl and said, "Tell the doctor, Susie!"
"Yes, Mumsy," said the girl. "Doctor, I have never so much as
kissed a man!"
The doctor looked from the mother to daughter, and back again. Then,
silently he stood up and walked to the window. He stared out. He continued
staring until the mother felt compelled to ask, "Doctor, is there something
wrong out there?"
"No, Madam," said the doctor. "It's just that the last time anything
like this happened, a star appeared in the East and I was looking to see if
another one was going to show up."
A new lumberjack had just finished his first month in the lonely wilds of
Alaska, where there were no women for miles. He finally couldn't take it
anymore and nervously asked the foreman what the other men did to relieve
"Try the hole in the barrel outside the shower," suggested the
foreman. "The other men swear by it."
The lumberjack dubiously tried it out and had the experience of
his life. "That barrel is fantastic! Warm! Wet! I'm going to use it
"Every day but the third Wednesday of the month," one of the
other men replied.
"Why not then?"
"That's your day in the barrel."
A Norse god decides to assume human form, come down from Valhalla, and check
out the local action. He finds himself in the piano bar of Caesar's Boardwalk
Regency in Atlantic City, and sits down to sip an Acquavit or two. After a few
minutes, an extremely attractive young woman, having been taken with his form
and features, sends a drink down to him, then joins him. The chemistry between
them is immediate and total. They have the next drink in her room, and spend
the night repeatedly making passionate love. The woman has no idea of her
partner's true identity; all she knows is he's driving her mad. In the
morning, the Norse god jumps into the shower. Reflecting on the previous
night he decides that he wants to be honest with his new lover. Without even
bothering to wrap himself in a towel, he leaps from the shower into the room,
where the woman is still in bed, exhausted. He kneels beside the bed, looks
deep into her eyes and says, "Honey, I have something very important to tell
you -- I'm Thor!".
The woman looks at him. "You're Thor?", she says. "My inthides feel
like grated cheeth!"
A nubile female virtually never experiences difficulty in finding willing
sexual partners, and in a natural habitat nubile females are probably always
married. The basic female "strategy" is to obtain the best possible husband,
to be fertilized by the fittest available male (always, of course, taking
risk into account), and to maximize the returns on sexual favors bestowed:
to be sexually aroused by the sight of males would promote random matings,
thus undermining all of these aims, and would also waste time and energy
that could be spent in economically significant activities and in nurturing
children. A female's reproductive success would be seriously compromised
by the propensity to be sexually aroused by the sight of males.
-- Donald Symons, "The Evolution of Human Sexuality",
attempting to explain the lack of female interest in
A nymph hits you and steals your virginity.
A pair of suburban couples who had known each other for quite some time
talked it over and decided to do a little conjugal swapping. The trade
was made the following evening and the newly arranged couples retired to
their respective houses. After about an hour of bedroom bliss, one of
the wives propped herself up on an elbow, looked at her new partner and
said: "Well, I wonder how the boys are getting along?"
A pederastic necrophiliac is a gentleman who is true to the very end of
the end of a friend.
A performing octopus could play the piano, the zither and a piccolo, and his
trainer wanted him to add the bagpipe to his accomplishments. With this in
mind, a bagpipe was placed in the octopus's room, and the trainer awaited
results. Hours passed, but no bagpipe music was heard. Since the talented
octopus usually learned quickly, the trainer was disturbed. Opening the door
the next morning, he asked the octopus,
"Have you learned to play that thing yet?"
"Play it!" retorted the octopus. "I've been trying to lay it all
A policeman is walking his beat when he finds an inebriated man collapsed
against a building, weeping uncontrollably and holding his car keys in his
hands. He's moaning something about how "They took my car!" Seeing that
the man is well-dressed, the officer suspects that he may have a real case
of theft on his hands and attempts to question the man.
"What happened to your car?"
"My car, it was right on the end of my key, and those bastards
stole it! Please officer, get my Porsche back. My God, it was right on
the end of my key! Where is it? They stole it and it was right here;
right on my key!"
"OK, OK, stand up, we'll see what we can do. You'll have to come
down to the stat... Mister, your fly's unzipped and you're exposing
"Oh my God, they stole my girlfriend!"
A proper elderly English couple visiting Australia decided to hire a
car to take a look at the outback. "We know it's rough country, but it's safe
and decent, isn't it?" the husband inquired of the rental-agency manager.
Upon being assured that it was, the couple drove off.
Later that day, they returned, upset and angry. "You said it was
decent country," the Englishwoman upbraided the rental agent, "but we hadn't
driven too far when we saw a man in a field copulating with a kangaroo!"
"And not too long after that," complained her husband, "a one-legged
aborigine leaning against a tree by the side of the road grinningly waved
at us with one hand while he brazenly masturbated himself with the other!"
"Guv'nor," responded the Aussie, "yer wouldn't expect a poor bugger
like that, with only one leg, to catch a 'roo, would you?"
A real estate agent, looking over a farmer's house for possible sale,
commented to the farmer how sturdy the house looked.
The farmer replied, "Yep, built it with my bare hands... did it
the hard way. The steps to the front door, here, carved 'em out of
field stones... did it the hard way. That hardwood floor in the living
room, dovetailed the pieces myself... did it the hard way. The ceiling
beams, made 'em out of my own oak trees... did it the hard way."
Just then, the farmer's gorgeous daughter walked in. The farmer
looks over at the real estate agent who is trying not to stare too
obviously and smiles. "Yep... standing up in a canoe."
A secretary entered her boss's office with the announcement: "I have
some good news and some bad news."
He muttered, "It's quarterly report day, Sally -- just the good news."
She replied, "You're not sterile."
A shy young man, preparing himself for what he hoped would be the ultimate sex
act with a pretty young lady, went into a drugstore to inquire about sizes and
styles of condoms. The lusty proprietress, a buxom widow, saw an opportunity
for fun at the lad's expense.
"Come in the back and try some on for size," she said, taking his hand.
The widow unzipped the youth's fly and watched the small instrument grow in
her hand as she measured it. When the weapon had unfurled to a rosy seven and
a half inches, the young man, unable to contain himself, had an orgasm with a
tremendous discharge. After recovering, he asked the widow if she could now
give him the proper size.
"I'll do more than that," she said. "I'll give you free meals and a
half interest in the store."
A strange looking white man came to the Indian reservation looking
for a job. He asked to talk to the Chief of the tribe, so he might give his
qualifications. The Chief strode forward from the group surrounding the
white man and said: "You leave! No job!"
The man explained that this was no ordinary job he was seeking, but
that of tribe Medicine-Man. He would convince him if the Chief would allow
him to demonstrate his magic. "No magic!" said the disbelieving Chief.
"Oh, yeah?", said the stranger. "I'll prove it to you by making
your dog, here, talk!"
"Dog, no talk!" responded the Chief, but before he could finish, he
heard a voice coming out of the mouth of the dog saying, "The Chief treats me
good. He feeds me, and keeps me in teepee when it snows!"
"If you still have doubts as to my magic," continued the stranger,
"the next voice you'll hear will be that of your horse!"
"Horse, no talk!" argued the still-sceptical Chief, but again he
heard a voice that said: "I am the Chief's favorite horse. He takes me up to
the green pasture to eat and brushes my coat when I get dirty."
The stranger, still seeing some disbelieving faces, claimed for his
final trick he would make the Chief's sheep talk.
"NO!" cried the Chief, "SHEEP LIE!"
A stranger had just arrived in the mining town and was spending the evening at
the local saloon. After a few drinks, he mentioned to the bartender that he
hadn't seen a single woman in the entire town.
The bartender replied, "Nope. Ain't no women in this town!"
"No women? What do the men do for... er..."
"Oh, for sex? Did you see all those pigs in the street? That's the
answer, right there."
Shaking his head incredulously, the stranger settled back to his
drinking. Within a short time, however, the liquor had convinced him that he
wanted to try out a pig himself. He had watched several miners walk upstairs
to the trysting rooms with squealing piglets under their arms. Now, he was
game to make his move. He wandered out to the back of the saloon and chose
a nice fat, pink sow. As he walked to the stairs, the entire saloon went
quiet. In the embarassing hush, all eyes were upon him.
"What's the matter? I thought all you fellows did this!"
"Yeah, but that's Black Bart's girl," replied the barkeep.
A sweet young schoolteacher who had always been virtuous was invited to go
for a ride in the country with the gym instructor, whom she admired. Under
a tree on the bank of a quiet lake, she struggled with her conscience and
with the gym instructor and finally gave in to the latter. Sobbing
uncontrollably she asked her seducer,
"How can I ever face my students again, knowing I have sinned twice?"
"Twice?" asked the young man, confused.
"Why, yes," said the sweet teacher, wiping a tear from her eye.
"You're going to do it again, aren't you?"
A toast to the kisses you've snatched and vice-versa.
A vasectomy means never having to say you're sorry.
A virgin is chaste.
A virginal is a harpsichord that has never been plucked.
A virtuous abstinence from the joys of pederasty comes most easily to those
who have no taste for it.
-- Oscar Wilde
A widow is more sought after than an old maid of the same age.
A witty writer, K. Kraus in the Vienna "Fackel", has as it were, expressed
this truth paradoxically in the cynical saying: "Coitus is merely an
unsatisfactory substitute for onanism!"
-- Sigmund Freud, attempting to explain why
masturbation is "by no means harmless"
A woman is driving down the street, her ten-year-old daughter belted into
the passenger seat. The daughter asks "Mommy, how old are you?"
The mother says "That's a personal question. It's not nice to ask
people personal questions."
The daughter thinks a while, then asks "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"
The mother replies "That's a personal question too. I'm not going
to tell you."
Chastised, the daughter asks no more questions. The mother parks the
car. "I'm going to see Mrs. Tristan for a couple of minutes. You stay here in
the car and watch my purse."
After the mother leaves, the daughter removes her mother's driver's
license from the purse, studies it for a few minutes and replaces it. When
her mother returns they drive off. The little girl comments:
"Mommy, I know how old you are. You're 32."
"That's right! How did you know?"
"And you weigh 119 pounds."
"Did you look in my purse?"
"And I know why you and Daddy divorced."
"Yes," said the daughter. "Because you flunked sex!"
"A woman is like a dresser ... some man always goin' through her drawers."
-- Blind Lemon Pledge
A young couple jumped out of their car and dashed into the park.
They hurriedly found a secluded spot and began to make frenzied, passionate
love. Shortly thereafter, as they were driving away, the young man turned
to her and said, "If I had known you were a virgin, I'd have taken more time."
She replied, "If I had known you had more time, I'd have taken off my
A young man asked his father to lend him $50 for a blowjob, whereupon his
father solemnly replied, "When I was young we used to settle for a kiss."
The son retorted, "OK, how about $50 for a long low kiss?"
A young woman was afflicted with three brothers who had a friendly competition
as to who was the best practical joker. When she announced her marriage,
like all good brothers, they immediately found out where the honeymoon would
be and repaired there to do their worst, er, best. The brother who was a
carpenter went first, and came back out in five minutes. The brother who
worked as a plumber went second and was out in about half an hour. Finally,
the brother employed as a dentist went inside and came out almost immediately.
A few days after the start of their sister's honeymoon the brothers each
received a telegram from their sister. It read:
I liked the couch falling apart when we sat on it. I was amused
when the shower went cold five minutes after it started. But I'm
going to kill whoever put the novocaine into the KY jelly...
A.I. hackers do it with robots.
AC/DC is a rock band.
-- Bisexuality, 101
Admittedly, there are a lot of things that are better than sex,
and a lot more that are worse; but there's nothing quite like it...
After a few steamy dances and a few more drinks, the pickup couple
are back at his place tearing their clothes off. Things are really
starting to heat up when he leaps out of bed and starts frantically
rummaging through a dresser drawer.
"What are you doing?" she asks.
"Just a second, honey, I'm trying to find my lucky rubber."
After an evening at the theatre and several nightcaps at an intimate little
bistro, the young man whispered to his date, "How do you feel about making
love to men?"
"That's MY business," she snapped.
"Ah," he said. "A professional."
After cocktails in the Oak Room, the graying millionaire took the blond,
attractive, wholesome, winning young woman up to his suite. They chatted
for a while, and then kissed on the couch. A little fondling, some feeling
and petting ... to which the young lady lent herself shyly ... and then they
were in the wide, cool bed, naked together. They chatted more, established
a communion, a rapport the older man considered remarkably gratifying. The
girl seemed sympatico, innocent, good.
"Yes, that was it," he thought, "essentially good. Why, she could
be my own daughter." He smiled into the young girl's deep blue eyes.
"Tell me," he asked, his hand on her breast, "What's a nice girl
like you doing in a hotel like this?"
"Oh, about $2000 a week, with tips."
After I run your program, let's make love like crazed weasels, OK?
After Joan and Max had been married for 25 years, Max became disinterested
in sex, and his libido began to wan dramatically. In desperation, Joan
hauled him to a marriage couselor, who listened patiently to Joan's complaints
and Max's protestations. Max claimed that he was being nagged unmercifully
to fulfill Joan's needs, and that after awhile every marriage tended to
become less physical. Joan said that that wasn't true and that she had
needs and desires that he, as her husband, was expected to fulfill. Finally,
the counselor issued the verdict. "Max," he said, "Everybody has to give a
little for a marriage to work. From now on, no matter how you feel at the
time, you must give Joan her conjugal rights at least semi-annually. And,
remember, do it in a loving, considerate manner; after all, you and your
wife are a partnership of love." Joan was delighted, and floated out of the
counselor's offices. On the way downstairs, she nudged Max.
"So, honey, tell me... how many times a week is semi-annually?"
After repeatedly warding off her date's amorous advances during the evening,
the pretty young thing decided to put her foot down: "See here," she shouted
indignantly. "This is positively the last time I'm going to tell you `no'."
"Splendid!" exclaimed her date. "Now we can start making some progress."
After rushing into a drugstore, the nervous young man was obviously
embarrassed when a prim thirty-ish woman asked if she could serve him.
"N-no," he stammered, "I'd like to see the druggist."
"I'm the druggist", she replied cheerfully.
"Oh.. well, uh, it's nothing important," he said, and turned to leave.
"Young man," said the woman, "my sister and I have been running this
drugstore for nearly ten years. There is nothing you can tell us that will
"Well, all right," he said. "I have this awful sexual hunger that
nothing will appease. No matter how many times I make love, I still want to
make love again and again. Is there anything you can give me for it?"
"Just a moment," said the woman, "I'll have to discuss this with my
A few minutes later, she returned. "The best we can do," she said,
"is room and board and a half-interest in the business."
After spending a forbidden night on the town, two young nuns were
trying to sneak through the fence surrounding their Convent.
"You know," giggled one as she held the wire apart for the other to
crawl through, "I feel like a Marine."
"So do I," the other nun sighed, "but where are we going to find one
at three in the morning?"
After we made love he took a piece of chalk and made an outline of my body.
-- Joan Rivers
Ah spring, when a fancy young man lightly turns his lover over.
Alaska, where Moosehead isn't a beer, it's a misdemeanor.
Q: You know how to figure out if your lover's been "invovlved"?
A: Antler marks on their hips.
Alcohol is like love: the first kiss is magic, the second is intimate,
the third is routine. After that you just take the girl's clothes off.
-- Raymond Chandler
Alex came home from a business trip to Chicago and found no one home but his
daughter Rose, who was crying bitterly.
"What's the matter, darling?" asked Alex.
"Mommy almost died last night," sobbed Rose.
"That's nonsense," said the father. "Why do you say that?"
"Well," said Rose,"you always told us that when we die we'll see God;
so when I heard Mommy moaning last night I rushed to her bedroom and she was
screaming, "Oh God, here I come," and she would have but Uncle Jerry held her
"Algorithms" is an anagram for "Hilt orgasm". Maybe this explains
the popularity of this field of study in computer science.
All a hacker needs is a tight PUSHJ, a loose pair of UUOs, and a warm
place to shift.
"All I need is a little room to lay my hat and a few friends."
-- Dorothy Parker to a real estate agent,
on looking for an apartment
All I really want in life is a piece and some quiet.
Always talk to your wife while you're making love... if there's a phone handy.
America cannot be sold a can of beer without being offered a piece of
pussy along with it.
-- Julius Lester
America's two greatest inventions are finger-fucking and carpet-bombing.
-- Lyndon B. Johnson
An 11 is a 10 who doesn't have headaches.
An acid is like a woman: a good one will eat through your pants.
-- Mel Gibson, Saturday Night Live
An Aggie was appointed ambassador to Japan. Two weeks before
officially reporting to the embassy, he went from geisha house to geisha
house. While making love to a geisha girl, he heard her repeat, "Yaki-san,
Right away the Aggie thought to himself, "I've learned my first
Japanese word. It must be an expression of joy."
When he reported to the embassy, he received his first assignment,
which was to escort the prime minister of Japan around the golf course.
After having played a couple of holes, the prime minister teed-off and made
a hole-in-one. The prime minister jumped up and down shouting, "Bonsai!
Quickly, thinking that this was the perfect chance to show off the
new Japanese word that he'd learned, the Aggie exclaimed, "Yaki-san,
The prime minister turned to the Aggie in surprise and exclaimed,
"What do you mean, wrong hole?"
An egg has the shortest sex-life of all: if gets laid once; it gets
eaten once. It also has to come in a box with 11 others, and the only
person who will sit on its face is its mother.
An eighty-year-old woman is rocking away the afternoon on her
porch when she sees an old, tarnished lamp sitting near the steps. She
picks it up, rubs it gently, and lo and behold a genie appears! The genie
tells the woman the he will grant her any three wishes her heart desires.
After a bit of thought, she says, "I wish I were young and
beautiful!" And POOF! In a cloud of smoke she becomes a young, beautiful,
After a little more thought, she says, "I would like to be rich
for the rest of my life." And POOF! When the smoke clears, there are
stacks and stacks of money lying on the porch.
The genie then says, "Now, madam, what is your final wish?"
"Well," says the woman, "I would like for you to transform my
faithful old cat, whom I have loved dearly for fifteen years, into a young
And with another billow of smoke the cat is changed into a tall,
handsome, young man, with dark hair, dressed in a dashing uniform.
As they gaze at each other in adoration, the prince leans over to
the woman and whispers into her ear, "Now, aren't you sorry you had me
And having stretched me out upon his bed with my head a little to one side,
he sat down next to me and raised my head upon his lap. He peered avidly at
me, his eyes seemed ready to devour the secretion oozing from my nose. "Oh,
the pretty little snotface," said he, beginning to pant, "How I'm going to
suck her." Therewith bending down over me, and taking my nose in his mouth,
not only did he devour all the mucus between my nose and mouth, but he even
lewdly darted the tip of his tongue into each of my nostrils, one after the
other, and with such cleverness he provoked two or three sneezes which
redoubled the flow he desired and was consuming so hungrily. But ask me for
no details bearing upon this fellow, Messieurs, nothing appeared, and whether
because he did nothing, or becaues he did it all in his drawers, there was
nothing to be seen, and amidst the multitude of his kisses and lecherous
lickings there was nothing outstanding which might have denoted an ecstasy,
and consequently it is my opinion that he did not discharge. All my clothes
were in place, even his hands stayed still, and I give you my word that this
old libertine's fantasy might be performed upon the world's most repectable
and least initiated girl without her being able to suppose there was anything
lewd in it at all.
-- Marquis de Sade
Another nun joke!!!
You see, three nuns were walking down the street, when suddenly
this flasher jumped out in front of them and opened his trench coat,
exposing his all to the sisters. Well, two of the nuns had strokes right
there, but the third nun wouldn't touch it.
Any girl who believes that the way to a man's heart is through
his stomach is obviously setting her standards too high.
APL hackers take all they want.
Apple owners do it with mice!
As long as your ass is pointed at the ground, don't fuck with me.
As my dear auntie used to say, "Love makes the world go 'round, but sex
makes the ride fun."
As part of an equal opportunity project, a memo was sent to all the offices
within External Affairs asking for "A list of all employees broken down by
One of the memos was returned with the notation: "I'm sorry: we
know of nobody in this office who fits your criteria. We do, however,
have two alcoholics."
As she lay there dozing next beside me, a voice inside my head kept saying
"Relax... you're not the first doctor who's ever slept with one of his
patients," but another voice kept reminding me, "Howard, you're a veterinarian."
As the truck driver came flying over the top of a steep hill, he spotted two
figures in his path rolling around in the middle of the road. The driver blew
his horn and braked frantically, but the couple continued their lovemaking,
oblivious to his warnings. The truck finally slid to a halt barely three
inches from the pair. "Are you crazy?" the driver screamed at them. "You
could have been killed!"
The man stood up and faced the driver. "Well, I was coming, she was coming
and you were coming," he panted, "and you were the only one with brakes."
As you know, birds do not have sexual organs because they would interfere
with flight. [In fact, this was the big breakthrough for the Wright
Brothers. They were watching birds one day, trying to figure out how to get
their crude machine to fly, when suddenly it dawned on Wilbur. "Orville,"
he said, "all we have to do is remove the sexual organs!" You should have
seen their original design.] As a result, birds are very, very difficult to
arouse sexually. You almost never see an aroused bird. So when they want
to reproduce, birds fly up and stand on telephone lines, where they monitor
telephone conversations with their feet. When they find a conversation in
which people are talking dirty, they grip the line very tightly until they
are both highly aroused, at which point the female gets pregnant.
-- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
Teen Should Know"
Asked by reporters about his upcoming marriage to a forty-two-year-old
woman, director Roman Polanski told reporters, "The way I look at it,
she's the equivalent of three fourteen-year-olds."
-- David Letterman
Ass, grass or gas... nobody rides for free!
Assassins do it from behind.
At her annual checkup, the attractive young woman is told by the doctor that
it's necessary to take her temperature rectally. She agrees and bends over
the examining table, but a few seconds later says indignantly, "Doctor, that's
NOT my rectum!"
"Madam," says the doctor, "that's not my thermometer!"
Just then, the woman's husband, hearing her voice, comes into the
room. "Just what the hell is going on here?" he demands.
"I'm taking your wife's temperature," the doctor cooly replies.
"Okay, doc, you know best," says the husband as he picks a scalpel
off the doctor's desk, "but when that thing comes out, it better have
numbers on it!"
Attracted by repeated newspaper advertisements, and realizing that
his waist had gone both East and West despite his daily racquetball, a young
executive appeared at a local health resort. Looking over the several weight
loss plans offered, he selected one guaranteed to reduce his weight by two
pounds per day. After a light breakfast, and a almost non-existent lunch, he
was escorted to a large room, where a young, attractive woman told him that
"if he caught her, he could have her". After an hour of hard running, he
finally gave up; and weighing himself, was comforted to realize that he had
lost just under three pounds. Returning the next week, he chose the plan that
was to reduce his weight by four pounds per session. After following the same
regimen, he was again escorted to a large room, but after two hours of running,
he caught the young woman. Weight loss, just over four pounds. Returning the
following week, he chose to lose eight pounds in a single day. He was shown
to the largest room he'd seen, by far, where he was confronted by a extremely
muscular, burly man, who looked him square in the eye, flung his towel into
a corner, and snarled, "You know the rules. Start running!"
Attractive bisexual young woman seeks same for high mellow times.
B4 I4Q, RU/18 QT 3.1415926535?
Bankers do it with interest (penalty for early withdrawal).
Barbra Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of American
Indians. After a tour of a reservation they were on, she was curious as to
the number of feathers in the headdresses. She asked a brave who had only
one feather in his headdress. His reply was, "Me have only one squaw, me
have only one feather." She asked another brave, feeling the first fellow
was only joking. This brave had four feathers in his headdress. He replied,
"Me have four feathers, because me sleep with four squaws."
Still not convinced the number of feathers indicated the number of
squaws involved, she decided to interview the Chief. Now the Chief had a
headdress full of feathers which, needless to say, amused Ms. Walters.
Ms. W: "Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?"
Chief: "Me Chief, me fuck-em all, big, small, fat, tall, me fuck-em all."
Ms. W: "You ought to be hung!"
Chief: "You damned right, me hung. Big like buffalo, long like snake."
Ms. W: "You don't have to be so hostile!"
Chief: "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any-style, me fuck-em all."
Ms. W: "Oh, dear!"
Chief: "No deer, me no fuck deer. Asshole too high and fuckers run
BEAT ME, BITE ME, WHIP ME, FUCK ME!!!
Beat me, bite me, whip me, fuck me, make me write bad checks!
Before he went off to the wars, King Arthur locked his lovely wife,
Guinevere, into her chastity belt. Then he summoned his loyal friend and
subject Sir Lancelot. "Lancelot, noble knight," said Arthur, "within this
sturdy belt is imprisoned the virtue of my wife. The key to this chaste
treasure I will entrust to only one man in the world. To you."
Humbled before this great honor, Lancelot knelt, received his king's
blessing and took charge of the key. Arthur mounted his steed and rode off.
Not half a mile from his castle, he heard hoofbeats behind him and turned to
see Sir Lancelot riding hard to catch up with him.
"What is amiss, my friend?" asked the king.
"My lord," gasped Lancelot, "you have given me the wrong key!"
"Before we get married," said the young woman to her fiancee, "I want to
confess some affairs that I've had in the past."
"But you told me all about those a few weeks ago," her young man
"Yes, darling," she explained, "but that was a few weeks ago."
Bend over and take it like a man!
Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.
-- Mae West
Bi now, gay later!
Bill and Jim were walking home from work. As they walked along, they
discussed their wives' spending habits. "I don't understand how women
can spend so much money," Bill exclaimed. "I mean, understand, she
don't drink, and she's got her own pussy!"
Bill had just returned from a week of honeymooning, and his best
friend asked him how it went.
"The first night we did it nine times," Bill said. "The second
night, eight times. The third night, seven times. The fourth night, six
times. The fifth night, five times. The sixth night, four times, and the
last night, nothing!"
"Nothing?" his pal asked. "How come?"
"Hey, you ever tried putting a marshmallow in a parking meter?"
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
-- Woody Allen
Bookstores will soon be stocking a volume called "The Unsensuous
Census Taker". It's about a guy who comes once every ten years.
Brain on vacation, penis on autopilot.
"Shall I call you or just nudge you?"
"But if it's 80% glucose, then why does it taste salty?"
-- Anonymous med school student.
... But the reward of a successful collaboration is a thing that cannot
be produced by either of the parties working alone. It is akin to the
benefits of sex with a partner, as opposed to masturbation. The latter
is fun, but you show me anyone who has gotten a baby from playing with
him or herself, and I'll show you an ugly baby, with just a whole bunch
-- Harlan Ellison
But we've only fondled the surface of that subject.
-- Virginia Masters, of Master & Johnson
Buy old masters. They fetch better prices than old mistresses.
-- Lord Beaverbrook
Call for Ms. Lingus, Ms. Connie Lingus...
"Can you hammer a 6-inch spike into a wooden plank with your penis?"
"Uh, not right now."
"Tsk. A girl has to have some standards."
-- "Real Genius"
Chaste makes waste.
Chastity is its own punishment.
Claude believed that only smart attractive people had the right to fuck,
and it sincerely hurt him when he discovered evidence to the contrary.
-- Tom Robbins, "Jitterbug Perfume"
Close the door, let me give you what you've been waiting for!!
Coffee without caffeine. Beer without alcohol. Milk without fat.
What's next? Bridal suites with bunk beds?
-- Orben's Current Comedy
Coito ergo sum.
Coitus is punishment for the happiness of being together. Live as
ascetically as possible... that is the only possible way for me to
endure marriage. But she?
-- Franz Kafka
College is like a woman -- you work so hard to get in, and nine months later
you wish you'd never come.
Come up and see me sometime. Come Wednesday, that's amateur night.
-- Mae West
Commit the oldest sins the newest kind of ways.
-- William Shakespeare, "Henry IV"
Communists do it without class.
Computer scientists are programmed to do it by macro insertion.
Condoms are like listening to a symphony with cotton in your ears.
[Taking a shower in raincoat? Ed.]
Condoms are the feminists' revenge on men for diaphrams.
-- Robin Williams
a smart man knows on which side his broad is better.
boy who play with himself pulls boner.
child conceived in back seat of car with automatic transmission
turn out to be shiftless bastard.
eplileptic woman who give blow-job may bite big one.
fool man climb tree to get cherries; wise man spread limbs.
Kotex not best thing on earth, but next to best.
man and mouse the same, both end up in pussy.
man who arrives late to party will find himself beaten to the punch!
man who beat off in car have hot rod.
man who fights with wife all day, gets not peace at night.
man who fishes in other man's well often catch crabs.
man who go to bed with sex problem wake up with solution in hand.
man who kicked in testicles get left holding bag.
man who kiss girl's behind, get crack in face.
man who lay girl on hill, not on level.
man who lie under car, get tired -- man who stand behind car,
man who live in glass house should bathe in the basement.
man who lose key to girlfriend's apartment get no new key.
man who make love on ground have piece on Earth.
man who make oral love to epileptic woman may get tongue-tied.
man who marry girl with no bust has right to feel low down.
man who pull out too fast leave rubber.
man who screws near graveyard is fucking near dead.
man who sleep in road wake up with run-down feeling.
man who sleeps with old hen finds it's better than pullet.
man who streak unsuited for work.
man who suck nipples make clean breast of things.
man with athletic finger make broad jump
man with head up ass have shitty outlook on life.
man with hole in pocket feel cocky all day.
modern house without toilet uncanny.
passionate kiss like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.
seven days on honeymoon make one hole weak.
squirrel who run up woman's leg not find nuts.
woman should not marry basketball players -- they dribble before
woman who bathe in vinegar have sour puss.
woman who cooks carrots and pees in same pot very unsanitary.
woman who fly upside down in airplane have big crack up.
woman who goes to man's apartment for snack, may get tit bit.
woman who put man in dog house find him in cat house.
woman who ride bicycle peddle ass around town.
woman who slide down bannister make monkey shine.
woman who spring on inner-spring this spring, have off-spring
woman's virginity like balloon, one prick and all gone.
Conserve energy -- make love more slowly.
Consider the little mouse, how sagacious an animal it is which never
entrusts its life to one hole only.
-- Titus Maccius Plautus
Couples in motion have moments.
Critics are like eunuchs in a harem: they know how it's done, they've
seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves.
-- Brendan Behan
Cunnilingus is next to cleanliness.
Cunnilingus is next to godliness.
Dance is the vertical expression of a horizontal intention.
"Darling", said the young bride, "tell me what's bothering you.
We promised to share all our joys and sorrows, remember?"
"But this is different," protested her husband.
"Together, darling," she insisted, "we will bear the burden.
Now tell me what our problem is."
"Well," said the husband, "we've just become the father of a
"Darling," he breathed, "after making love I doubt if I'll
be able to get over you -- so would you mind answering the phone?"
"Darling," she whispered, "will you still love me after we are married?"
He considered this for a moment and then replied, "I think so. I've
always been especially fond of married women."
I just met the most terrific girl and we get along fabulously. I
think she's the one for me. There's just one problem: I can't remember
from our first date if she told me she had TB or VD. What should I do?
If she coughs, fuck her.
Demonstrating once again the importance of the lowly comma, this
telegram was sent from a wife to her husband:
"NOT GETTING ANY, BETTER COME HOME AT ONCE."
Desperate because her husband hadn't made love to her in months, a lonely
housewife finally mustered her courage and went to their doctor for advice.
The doctor was very sympathetic and wrote out a prescription for pills that
were guaranteed to rekindle the husband's ardor in a big way. "They'll make
him horny as hell," the doctor confided, "but they're very potent, so just
put one in whatever he's drinking."
Upon arriving home, the woman left the pills on the kitchen counter
and dashed off to the supermarket. It didn't take long before the cat jumped
up, knocked them over onto the floor, and ate a couple, as did the family
dog. And when the husband got home with a headache, he took a few thinking
they were aspirin.
When the housewife returned, she was horrified to see the dog humping
the cat and the cat jumping all over the dog, but even stranger was the sight
of her husband with his penis inside the pencil sharpener on the counter.
"What in heaven's name are you doing, John?" she cried.
"See that mosquito?" he replied.
Dial 911. Make a cop come.
Did Detroit invent the back seat to destroy the morals of America?
-- Ed Sanders
Did you ever notice that everyone in favour of birth control has already
-- Benny Hill
Distributed Systems people do it loosely coupled.
DIVE!!! DIVE!!! DIVE!!!
(Ooops, sorry, wrong fantasy.)
Do I like getting drunk? Depends on who's doing the drinking.
-- Amy Gorin
Do infants have as much fun in infancy as adults do in adultery?
Do not stoop to tie your laces in your neighbor's melon patch.
Do something big -- fuck a giant.
"Do you cheat on your wife?" asked the psychiatrist.
"Who else?" answered the patient.
"Do you smoke after sex?"
"Why, do you know, I've never looked!"
Doctors take two aspirin and do it in the morning.
Documentation is like sex: when it is good, it is very, very good; and
when it is bad, it is better than nothing.
-- Dick Brandon
Does anyone know how to get chocolate syrup and honey out of a
white electric blanket? I'm afraid to wash it in the machine.
Thanks, Kathy. (front desk, x17)
p.s. Also, anyone ever used Noxema on friction burns? Or is Vaseline better?
Doin' it in the dark, down in Rock Creek Park.
Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love.
-- Woody Allen
Don't let your mouth write no check that your tail can't cash.
-- Bo Diddley
Don't look now -- your office mate is a pederast!!!
Don't look now, but your mother is having sex with a horse.
Drinking when we are not thirsty and making love at all seasons, madam:
that is all there is to distinguish us from the other animals.
-- Pierre de Beaumarchais, "Le Marriage de Figaro"
Dry fucking: that's man on top of woman, the action is the same as fucking,
but you're dressed. It's great for the girl... you're hitting and rubbing
exactly the area that you ought to be... I still like that.
-- Grace Slick
During a session with a marriage counselor, the wife snapped at her
husband: "That's not true, I do enjoy sex!" Then, turning to the counselor,
she added: "But this fiend expects it three or four times a year!"
Ed, a traveling salesman, had his car break down in the middle of a
blizzard. He trudged to a nearby farmhouse where the farmer told him that,
while they were short of beds, he could sleep with his daughter. She proved
to be eighteen and beautiful. So they went to bed, and shortly, Ed made a
pass at the daughter. "Stop that!" she said. "I'll call my father."
He desisted. But half an hour later he made another attempt. "Uh,
stop ... that," she said. "I'll call my father."
But she moved closer to him, so he made a third try. This time, no
protest, no threat. Just as Ed, satisfied, was about to drowse off, she
tugged at his pajama sleeve. "Could we do that again?" she asked.
Ed obliged, and this time fell asleep only to be awakened by the
tug at his sleeve. "Again?"
And again Ed obliged. But when his sleep was once more interrupted
by the tugging at his pajama sleeve, Ed indignantly pulled it away from her
and mumbled, "Stop that! Or I'll call your father."
EE's do it without shorts.
Electrical Engineers do it with less resistance.
Evangelists do it with Him watching.
Ever notice that the women who are against abortion are the ones you
wouldn't want to fuck in the first place?
-- George Carlin
Every dog has its day, but the nights belong to the pussycats.
Every harlot was a virgin once.
-- William Blake
Everyone in the smart nightclub was amazed by the old gentleman,
obviously pushing 70, tossing off manhattans and cavorting around the dance
floor like a 20-year old. Finally curiousity got the best of the cigarette
girl. "I beg your pardon, sir," she said, "but I'm amazed to see a gentleman
of your age living it up like a youngster. Tell me, are all of your faculties
The old fellow looked up at the girl sadly and shook his head. "Not
all, I'm afraid." he said. "Just last evening I went nightclubbing with a
girlfriend -- we drank and danced all night and finally rolled into her place
about two A.M. We went to bed immediately, and I was asleep almost as soon
as my head hit the pillow. I woke around three-thirty and nudged my girl."
"Why, George," she said in suprise, "we did that fifteen minutes ago."
"So you see," the old boy said sadly, "my memory is beginning to
Except for 75% of the women, everyone in the whole world wants to have sex.
-- Ellyn Mustard
Farmer Johnson was drunk again.
"You know, Anna," he said to his long-suffering wife, "if you could
only lay eggs we could get rid of all those damn chickens."
Anna said nothing. Farmer Johnson tried again. "You know, Anna, if
only you could give milk we could get rid of that expensive herd of cows."
Anna looked at him coolly. "You know, Jack," she said, "if only you
could get it up once in a while we could get rid of your brother Bob."
Father: Son, it's time we talked about sex.
Son: Sure, Dad, what do you want to know?
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
"First, I'm going to buy you a few drinks and get you a little tight,"
said the guy aggressively.
"Oh, no, you're not," said the girl.
"Then I'll take you to dinner at the most exclusive restaurant in
"Oh, no, you won't."
"Then I'll take you to my apartment and mix up a pitcher of daiquiris."
"Oh, no, you won't."
"Then I'm going to make violent, mad, passionate love to you."
"Oh, no, you're not."
"And I'm not going to take any precautions either!" said the guy.
"Oh, yes, you are!!" said the girl.
Floppy now, hard later.
For a gay time, call 555-9483. Ask for Brucie.
For a good time, call 555-9484. Ask for Cathy.
For a good time, call 555-9485. Ask for Michael.
For children, a woman.
For pleasure, a boy.
For sheer ecstasy, a melon.
For flavor, instant sex will never supercede the stuff you have to peel
-- Quentin Crisp
For her first week's salary the gorgeous new secretary was given an
exquisite nightgown of imported lace. The next week her salary was raised!
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #15
Women prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30-40 seconds of
foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.
Women mature much faster than men. Most 17-year-old females can
function as adults. Most 17-year-old males are still trading baseball cards
and giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high school
romances rarely work out.
To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They just
chicken-scratch. Women use scented, colored stationary and they dot their
"i's" with circles and hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops in their
"p's" and "g's". It is a royal pain to read a note from a woman. Even
when she's dumping you, she'll put a smiley face at the end of the note.
FORTUNE DISCUSSES THE DIFFERENCES BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN: #18
The average man would prefer having sex every evening, or every
morning, or maybe both if he's under 25. The average woman would like to
have sex non-stop all weekend, once a month.
It's no coincidence that L.L. Bean, Sears, and Roebuck were all men.
Men don't like to shop. If a man can't foist the job off on some woman, he
will grit his teeth and plan the outing as he would a jungle expedition.
He wants a map of the store showing where he has to go to get item X in
color Y in the correct size, which he doesn't know. Even then it takes him
half an hour to get there from the entrance. When he's finally accomplished
his mission, he'll discover that he forgot his checkbook. Women shop to
SDW/M, 35, offers French lessons for ladies.
If you desire fluency in the French tongue,
this cunning linguist can lick your problem.
Fortune -- P.O. Box 478
SWBiM, 29. Gr/Fr/Mild English. Have
own moose, hoop. Sincere inquiries
only. Discreet. Fortune P.O. Box 1910.
USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #3.
Kie estas la plej proksima masa^gejo? Where's the nearest massage parlor?
Vi dolorigas min. You're hurting me.
Mi deziras viziti usonan kuraciston. I want to see an American doctor.
Mi deziras a^ceti kontraugraveda^jojn. I would like to buy some
^Cu tiu estis ankau bona por ci? Was it good for you too?
USEFUL PHRASES IN ESPERANTO, #4.
Mia ^svebo^sipo estas plena je angiloj. My hovercraft is full of eels.
Neniu anticipas la hispanan No one expects the Spanish
La solvo estas kvardekdu. The answer is forty-two.
Adiau, kaj dankoj por ^ciom da fi^so. So long, and thanks for all the fish.
^Cu estas krajono en via po^so, au ^cu Is that a pencil in your pocket,
vi feli^cas pri vidi min? or are you happy to see me?
Fortune understands that the vote on a bill to legalize bisexuality
could go either way.
Fortune's Guide to Movies:
G: No girl.
PG: The hero gets the girl.
R: The bad guy gets the girl, then the good guy gets the girl.
X: The hero still gets the girl in the end, but he's never sure
which end it will be.
XXX: Everybody gets the girl.
FROM THE DESK OF
Dear Snow White:
Thanks for last night.
Sleepy, Doc, Grumpy, Sneezy, Happy, Dopey, Bashful
Gardeners do it in raised beds.
"Gee, Mudhead, everyone at More Science High has an extracurricular
activity except you."
"Well, gee, doesn't Louise count?"
"Only to ten, Mudhead."
-- Firesign Theater
Gentlemen prefer blondes, but who says blondes prefer gentlemen?
-- Mae West
Geometry teaches us to bisex angels.
George, after tying on a whopper the night before, woke up in the morning to
find a pathetically unattractive woman sleeping blissfully beside him. He
leaped out of bed, dressed quickly, and furtively placed $100 on top of the
bureau. He then started to tiptoe out of the room. But, as he passed the
foot of the bed, he felt a tug at his trouser leg. Glancing down, he saw
another female even homelier than the one he'd left in bed. She gazed up
at him soulfully, and asked, "Nothing for the bridesmaid?"
Girls are like pianos. When they're not upright, they're grand!
Girls who put out are tramps. Girls who don't are ladies. This is,
however, a rather archaic use of the word. Should one of you boys happen
upon a girl who doesn't put out, do not jump to the conclusion that you
have found a lady. What you have probably found is a lesbian.
-- Fran Lebowitz, "Metropolitan Life"
Girls would never stay out late if guys didn't make them.
Give a man a free hand and he'll run it all over you.
-- Mae West
Go out with girls Dutch treat -- pay for dinner, drinks, and the movie,
and the rest of the evening is on her.
God built a compelling sex drive into every creature, no matter
what style of fucking it practiced. He made sex irresistibly pleasurable,
wildly joyous, free from fears. He made it innocent merriment.
Needless to say, fucking was an immediate smash hit. Everyone
agreed, from aardvarks to zebras. All the jolly animals -- lions and
lambs, rhinoceroses and gazelles, skylarks and lobsters, even insects,
though most of them fuck only once in a lifetime -- fucked along
innocently and merrily for hundreds of millions of years. Maybe they
were dumb animals, but they knew a good thing when they had one.
-- Alan Sherman, "The Rape of the A*P*E*"
Hackers do it bottom-up.
Hackers do it with all sorts of characters.
Hackers do it with bugs.
Hackers do it with fewer instructions.
Hackers have kernel knowledge.
Hackers know all the right MOVs.
Hang gliders go down very slowly.
Harry constantly irritated his friends with his eternal optimism.
No matter how bad the situation, he would always say, "Well, it could have
To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a
situation so completely black, so dreadful, that even Harry could find no
hope in it. Approaching him at the club bar one day, one of them said,
"Harry! Did you hear what happened to George? He came home last night,
found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both, and then turned
the gun on himself!"
"Terrible," said Harry. "But it could have been worse."
"How in hell," demanded his dumfounded friend, "could it possibly
have been worse?"
"Well," said Harry, "if it had happened the night before, I'd be
dead right now."
Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his
proposal of marriage as he was pretty sensitive about his artificial leg
and afraid that no one would have him. In fact, he couldn't bring himself
to tell his fiancee about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger,
nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place.
All he kept saying was, "Darling, I've got a big surprise for you," at which
she blushed and smiled bewitchingly.
The wedding came and went, and the young couple were at last alone
in their honeymoon suite. "Now don't forget, Harry, you promised me a big
surprise," smiled the bride.
Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his
leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife's hand on the stump.
"Hmmmmm," she said softly, "that IS a surprise. But pass me the
Vaseline and I'll see what I can do!"
Have you ever tried to tickle yourself? Everybody has some wacko aunt or
uncle that can just point at you and have you rolling with laughter. But
if you shove your fist in your underarm for a week and a half you won't
laugh. Somehow your underarm just knows that it's *your* fist. Thank God
other parts of our bodies are dumber.
Having discovered the possibility that other creatures could be used
for sexual intercourse, early man was likely to have made many such
attempts... though it is doubtful that he was so sexually carnivorous
as the Christian and Jewish Adam, who, rabbinical interpreters of the
Old Testament tell us, had intercourse with every creature before God
finally hit upon the idea of woman and created Eve.
-- R. E. Masters
Having lost his potency years before, the octogenarian was desperate to
satisfy his new 18-year-old wife. He visited a gypsy woman with magical
After the man downed a foul-tasting potion, the gypsy said, "There.
Now the words beep-beep will give you an enormous erection. Repeating
the phrase will make it disappear. But remember," she cautioned, "it will
work only three times. Make use of them wisely."
As the old man left, he decided to test her prediction. "Beep-beep,"
he said, and sure enough, he got the biggest erection of his life.
"Beep-beep", he repeated. It went away.
He sped through traffic on his way home. "Beep-beep," honked a taxi.
The old man gasped as he instantly got hard.
"Beep-beep," honked a truck. His erection wilted.
Pulling into his driveway at last, the frantic man rushed inside
and found his nubile wife lying on the bed reading a novel.
"Have I got a surprise for you," he said, tearing off his clothes.
"Hold on a second," his wife said, eyeing his magnificent erection.
"What's all this beep-beep shit?"
He does it with a better grace, but I do it more natural.
-- William Shakespeare, "Twelfth-Night"
He had heard that a certain whorehouse had a reputation for the bizarre.
So he drove to the place and, once inside, asked the Madam if she had anything
unusual for him to try. "Things are pretty slow today," she said, "but I
do have one number you might enjoy." She went on to describe a New Jersey
hen that had been trained to do blow jobs.
"We've got her here, but only for the day."
The visitor could hardly believe it, but he paid the fee and went
into a room with a hen. After a frustrating hour of trying to force his
cock into the hen's mouth, he figured out that he was dealing with nothing
but a plain old chicken. He left. Thinking about it later, he decided
that he had had so much fun trying that he returned the few days later and
asked the Madam, "Do you have anything new today?"
"Come this way," she said, and led him to a dark room where a group
of men were looking through a one-way mirror. He saw that they were watching
a girl making it with a large doberman pinscher.
"Wow!" he said to the man standing next to him. "This is really
The man replied, "Man, it ain't nothin'! You shoulda been here
a week ago and seen the guy with the chicken!"
He used to kiss her on her lips, but it's all over now.
He was not only a great swordsman, but also a cunning linguist.
He was so ugly hookers used to tell him, "Not on the first date."
He who findeth sensuous pleasures in the bodies of lush, hot,
pink damsels is not righteous, but he can have a lot more fun.
He's gallantry personified, in fact, his brochures ought to
read satisfaction guaranteed, or your virginity returned intact.
He's learned about 50% of the rules of sex and conversation;
he knows how to stick it in, but not how to stick it out.
He: "If I made love to you, would you yell?"
She: "What do you want me to yell?"
-- Benny Hill
He: Do you like Kipling?
She: Oh, you naughty boy, I don't know! I've never kippled!
Heisenberg may have done it.
This is Uncle Dennis welcoming you to your very own fortune.
Today we are going to hear a story, so sit right here on my lap
and we can all start. Comfortable? Ah, yes, ah... Ah? Ah!!
One day, Rikki, the magic Pixie, went to visit Daisy Bumble in her
tumbledown cottage. He found her in the bedroom. Roughly he
grabbed her heaving ******* pulling her down on the bed and
hurriedly ripping off her thin *******.
Old Nick, the Sea Captain was a rough tough jolly sort of fellow.
He loved the life of the sea and he loved to hang out down by the
pier where the men dressed as ladies ****** **** ******* *******
of ***** ****** **** the ****** with a melon.
Rumpletweezer ran the Dinky Tinky shop in the foot of the Magic
oak tree by the wobbly dum-dum tree in the shade of the enchanted
glen down in Dingly Dell. Here he sold contraceptives, ********
and various appliances *** ******** *** ***** naked fun and *****
the ******** ******* *** into six or seven pairs.
Help! I'm a lesbian trapped in a gay man's body!
-- Bisexuality, 101
Her kisses left something to be desired: the rest of her.
How 'bout a brutal face fuck?
HEY KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS:
Remember, oral sex CAN cause pregnancy, unless you use an
oral contraceptive. See your family planning clinic today!
HEY, KIDS! ANN LANDERS SAYS:
Masturbation isn't as simple as it looks. Do it right!
Send 50 cents for my illustrated booklet "Masturbation techniques
for the teenager". Be sure to specify the male or female edition.
HOT TUB TIPS FOR WOMEN
Vol. I -- Etiquette
1. It's not lady-like to straddle a water jet, moan in ecstasy, and then
scream at the top of your lungs, "Oh, yes, YES, BABY!"
2. Washing your partner's back is sexy. Washing your panty hose is not.
3. Nude bathing with strangers can be a pleasant experience; don't spoil
it for everyone with a thoughtless remark, such as "My God, I've
seen bigger wangs on hamsters!"
4. It's O.K. to pass a joint while tubbing. Don't pass anything else.
5. Don't think you're fooling anybody by passing off your vibrator as a
How come if you're horny it's lust, but if she's horny it's affection?
How soon can you have sexual relations after your wife delivers?
Well, depends on if she's in a ward or a private room.
Hunters make the best lovers; they go deeper into the bush, shoot more often
and *always* eat what they shoot.
I believe in sex and death -- two experiences that come once in a lifetime.
-- Woody Allen
"I believe you have the wrong number," said the old gentleman into
the phone. "You'll have to call the weather bureau for that information."
"Who was that?" his young wife asked.
"Some guy wanting to know if the coast was clear."
I bet you have fun chasing the soap around the bathtub.
-- Princess Diana, to a one-armed war veteran during
a visit to a London veterans hospital
I bet you think you're pretty cool driving around without auto insurance.
You're probably saying to yourself, "I'm beating the system." But what's
going to happen when you get pulled over and lose your license because
you're not insured. What girl's going to ride shotgun on a ten-speed on
a Saturday Night? Yeah, you're going to be beating more than the system...
-- auto insurance ad, heard on KNAC, Long Beach.
I can understand companionship. I can understand bought sex in the
afternoon. I cannot understand the love affair.
-- Gore Vidal
I don't discriminate on the basis of sex.
-- Bisexuality, 101
[An equal opportunity lover? Ed.]
"I don't object to sex before marriage, but two minutes before?!?"
"I don't really mind her being unfaithful," sighed the man to his
marriage counselor, "but I just can't sleep three in a bed."
I don't remember ever having had the itch, and yet scratching is one of
nature's sweet pleasures, and so handy.
"I finally found out what my ranch foreman husband really meant," sobbed
the recent bride, "when he told me he'd love me 'til the cows came home."
I had a virgin once. I had to go to Guatemala for her. She was blind
in one eye, and she had a stuffed alligator that said, "Welcome to Miami
-- The Stunt Man
"I have credit with this madam who runs a string of super callgirls,"
the executive reminisced at his club bar, "but when I got the bill for
the great head session one of them pleasured me with, I must say that
it was enough to make a blown man cry."
I have perfumed my bed with myrrh, aloes, and cinnamon. Come, let us
take our fill of love until the morning.
-- Proverbs 7:17-18
I heard there was a lot of sex on television these days,
but when I tried it I kept falling off.
I only date queers.
-- Bisexuality, 101
[I'm not queer, but my boyfriend is! Ed.]
"I own my own body, but I share"
I really had to act; 'cause I didn't have any lines.
-- Marilyn Chambers
I think I'll snatch a kiss and flee.
"I think my wife may be getting somewhat overweight.
"Oh, how can you tell?"
"Well, last night when she sat on my face, I couldn't hear the stereo."
I think pop music has done more for oral intercourse than anything else
that has ever happened, and vice versa.
-- Frank Zappa
"I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it."
I thought Jackie O. was something you did in the bathroom.
-- Strange de Jim
I want a girl that can swallow my pride.
-- Frank Zappa, "Jewish Princess"
I want the same things all men do, Rice Krispies and some sucking.
-- Dudley Moore
I was on vacation in Greece last summer, and was being driven round an island
by a Greek cab-driver. He was a friendly man, and as we drove, he told me
about various historic and scenic places he had been involved with.
"See the entrance to that church over there? I built that with my
two sons. But do they call me `Dimitri the church builder'? Do they hell!"
As we passed a dam, he said, "See that dam? Four of us built that
dam by ourselves! But do they call me `Dimitri the dam builder?' Hell, no!"
As we passed a beautiful cottage, Dimitri started up again -- "See
that house? I built that for my wife with my own two hands! But do they
call me `Dimitri the home builder'? No! But just one little sheep!"
I went to a wild party last night. I tell ya, it was so wild, we played
a new version of Russian roulette. We passed around six girls and one
of them had V.D.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
I wonder what the leash and collar set does for excitement?
-- Tramp, "Lady and the Tramp"
I wouldn't fuck her with your prick.
I'd like to meet the man who invented sex and see what he's working on now.
I'd walk a mile for a Camel, two for a hump.
"I'll tell ya, Jeb," Wilbur said to his friend, "the tractor business ain't
doin' too well. I ain't sold one all month.
"You think you've got problems?" Jeb replied. "The other day, I went
out to milk Daisy, when she swatted me in the face with her tail, like she
always does. So I took some twine and tied it to the rafters. When I sat
down again, she kicked me like she always does. So I tied her leg to the
side of the stall. When I started to sit down again, I could see her taking
aim with her other leg, so I tied it to the other side of the stall. And I'll
tell you what," he continued with a sigh, "if you can convince my wife I was
gonna *milk* that cow, I'll buy a tractor from you!"
I'm a bisexual; I get it maybe twice a year.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
I'm a gay man trapped in a lesbian's body!
-- The Queer Gospels of Madonna the Sloppily Conceived
I'm against group sex because I wouldn't know where to put my elbows.
-- Martin Cruz Smith
I'm for bringing back the birch, but only for consenting adults.
-- Gore Vidal
I'm for peace -- I've yet to see a man wake up in the morning and say
"I've just had a good war."
-- Mae West
I'm going to Iowa for an award. Then I'm appearing at Carnegie Hall,
it's sold out. Then I'm sailing to France to be honored by the French
government -- I'd give it all up for one erection.
-- Groucho Marx
"I'm looking for adventure, excitement, beautiful women," cried the
young man to his father as he prepared to leave home. "Don't try to
stop me. I'm on my way."
"Who's trying to stop you?" shouted the father. "Take me along!"
"I'm not against women. Not often enough, anyway."
I'm unbuttoning your shirt, unzipping your jeans....
Oh, I can feel your fingers on the keys, baby,
I'm getting WARM....
I am getting there, oh yes,. Oh, my. OH YES... OHHHH!
Honey, that was *really* terrific, but, next time,
couldn't you please input a little SLOWER?
I've been told that it's far more sensous to have a woman leave something
on rather than being totally nude. Myself, I've always felt that the lights
were more than enough.
I've tried several varieties of sex. The conventional position makes
me claustrophobic, and the others either give me a stiff neck or lockjaw.
-- Tallulah Bankhead
If all these sweet young things were laid end-to-end, I wouldn't be a
-- Dorothy Parker
"If anyone wants to trade a couple of centrally located, well-cushioned
showgirls for an eroded slope 90 minutes from Broadway, I'll be on this
corner tomorrow at 11 with my tongue hanging out."
-- S. J. Perelman
If being bi increases your chance of getting a date, does being poly
increase your chance of getting dumped?
If ever you want to touch the hand and the heart of God Almighty, you can
do it through the body of someone you love. Anytime. Anywhere. Without
-- Theodore Sturgeon, "Godbody"
If God had meant for us to have group sex, he'd have given us more organs.
-- Malcolm Bradbury
If God had wanted people to give blow jobs, he wouldn't have given them teeth.
If it flies, floats or fucks, rent it, don't buy it.
-- Tommy Earl Bruner
If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
If only is was as easy to banish hunger by rubbing the belly as it is to
-- Diogenes the Cynic
If sex is a pain in the ass, you may be doing it wrong.
If sex is such a natural phenomenon, how come there are so many books on how to?
-- Bette Midler
If they can't take a joke, then fuck 'em.
If they can, then fuck 'em.
If thine eye offends thee, pluck it out.
If thy dick offends thee, whack it off.
If you could get an erection, you would have no need for Emacs.
If you meet somebody who tells you that he loves you more than anybody
in the whole wide world, don't trust him. It means he experiments.
If you think sex is a pain in the ass, try a different position.
If you're Catholic you've only got two choices: periodic abstinence and
You know ...
rhythm and blues.
If you're gonna sleep with someone whose moral code may be written
in Fortran for all you know, at least make sure there's an existing
friendship of some sort to fall back on if things don't work out
like one or the other of you planned.
If your sexual fantasies were truly of interest to others, they would no
longer be fantasies.
-- Fran Lebowitz
In the stands here I see a young couple who must be in love -- they're
kissing on every pitch. He's kissing her on the strikes, and she's
kissing him on the balls.
-- Harry Caray, a Chicago sportscaster
Is sex dirty? Only if it's done right.
-- Woody Allen, "All You Ever Wanted To Know About Sex"
Is that a pistol in your pocket or are you just glad to see me?
-- Mae West
It is amusing that a virtue is made of the vice of chastity; and
it's a pretty odd sort of chastity at that, which leads men straight
into the sin of Onan, and girls to the waning of their color.
It is better to be on penicillin, than never to have loved at all.
It is better to have a positive Wasserman than never to have loved at all.
It is considered normal to consecrate virginity in the general and lust
for its destruction in the particular.
It is far better to sleep with an old hen than pullet.
It is impossible to obtain a conviction for sodomy from an English jury.
Half of them don't believe that it can physically be done, and the other
half are doing it.
-- Winston Churchill
[Right. Tell it to Oscar.]
It is not true that life is one damn thing after another -- it is one
damn thing over and over.
-- Edna St. Vincent Millay
It is not wise to make love more than once in the morning.
You never know who you'll meet later in the day.
It is one of the superstitions of the human mind to have imagined that
virginity could be a virtue.
It is very difficult to look at the possibility of lesbian sheep because
if you are a female sheep, what you do to solicit sex is to stand still.
Maybe there is a female sheep out there really wanting another female,
but there's just no way for us to know it.
-- Anne Perkins, in her study of sexuality in sheep.
It must be admitted that we English have sex on the brain, which is a
very unfortunate place to have it.
-- Malcolm Muggeridge
It was her wedding night, and the sweet young thing was in a romantic haze.
"Oh, darling," she sighed, "We're married at last. It's all like a wonderful
Her husband didn't answer. A few moments passed. She sighed again
and said, "I'm afraid I'll awake in a moment and find it isn't true."
Still no response from her spouse. Another pause and another
sensuous sigh, then, softly, "I just can't believe that I'm really your
"Damn it," growled her mate, "as soon as I get this shoelace untied,
It was his third marriage and her fourth. He was quite surprised when on
their honeymoon she pleaded, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"Darling, what do you mean you're still a virgin? You've been
married three times."
"Yes, but they all worked for DEC. The first was a salesman,
and all he ever did was promise how good it would be. The second was one
of their software hacks, he told me to take care of it myself. And the
third was a field service representative, and he kept promising that it
would be up in 15 minutes.
It was this guy's first day in the penitentiary; he was in a cell with a
huge burley inmate, and he was pretty nervous. At lights-out, the inmate
jumped out of his bunk, and, turning to our hero, said, "We're going to
have sex! You want to be the Mommy or the Daddy?"
A very terrified hero managed to squeak out, "Uh, well, uh, I guess
I'll be the Daddy."
"OK," smiled his roommate, "get down here and suck your Momma's dick!"
It's a question of Napleon brandy versus Ripple.
I am mellow and amber and I go down real smooth.
-- Rita Moreno, commenting in Newsweek on the sex appeal
of older women versus younger women
"It's always the same," the girl sighed to her roommate after returning
in the wee, small hours. "Afterward, I feel so compromised, so cheap, so
soiled... so absolutely wonderful from head to toe!"
It's been so long since I made love I can't even remember who gets tied up.
-- Joan Rivers
It's easy to make a friend. What's hard is to make a stranger.
It's hard to keep a good girl down -- but lots of fun trying.
It's not pretty being easy.
It's not the ups and downs of love, it's the ins and outs.
It's the sighs that count.
Kamikazes do it once.
Kissing, petting, and even intercourse are all right as long as they are
sincere. I have never given a kiss in my life that wasn't sincere. As
for intercourse, I'd say three times a day was about right.
-- Margaret Sangor
Large cats can be dangerous, but a little pussy never hurt anyone.
Lawyers do it to everyone.
Let a Field Service Engineer put it in.
Like I said, love wouldn't be so blind if the braille weren't so damned great!
-- Armistead Maupin
... do it in CARS.
... do it with tail recursion.
... first do it in the front, then do it in the back.
... have DEFUN while doing it.
... have to be bound to do it.
... have Moby dicks.
Lisp hackers have to be bound (to-do 'it) ...
Lisp programmers do it deeper and deeper and deeper.
Little known facts: the dirtiest words used on television during the
1950's were uttered by June Cleaver.
"Gee, Ward, weren't you a little hard on the Beaver last night?"
Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods on her way to
visit her grandmother when a wolf jumped out from behind a tree.
"Aha!" the wolf said, "Now I've got you, and I'm going to eat you."
"Eat, eat, eat," said Little Red Riding Hood angrily, "Damn it,
doesn't anybody fuck anymore?"
Love ain't nothin' but sex misspelled.
Love comes in spurts.
-- Devo, "Please Please"
Love does not make the world go around, just up and down a bit.
Love is blind but desire doesn't give a good goddam.
-- James Thurber
Love is eating her even when she's not having her period.
Love is just for now ... herpes lasts forever.
Love is not the dying moan of a distant violin -- it's the triumphant
twang of a bedspring.
-- S. J. Perelman
Love is the answer; but while you are waiting for the answer, sex
raises some pretty good questions.
-- Woody Allen
Love is the desire to prostitute oneself. There is, indeed, no exalted
pleasure that cannot be related to prostitution.
-- Charles Baudelaire
Love is two minutes and fifty-two seconds of squishy sounds.
-- Johnny Rotten
Ma Bell runs a baudy house.
Make war not sex. (It's safer.)
Many nice things suck.
Marriage has driven more than one man to sex.
-- Peter De Vries
Marriage is like a bank account. You put it in, you take it out, you
-- Professor Irwin Corey
Masturbation is the thinking man's television.
-- Christopher Hampton
Masturbation! The amazing availability of it!
-- James Joyce
Math is to physics like masturbation is to sex.
... do it in groups.
... do it in theory.
... take it to the limit.
Mathematicians do it in theory.
Mathematicians do it with a small, imaginary part.
Mathematicians often resort to something called Hilbert space, which is
described as being n-dimensional. Like modern sex, any number can play.
-- James Blish, "Beep/The Quincunx of Time"
Mathematicians take it to the limit.
Mathematicians take it to the limit.
Meanwhile back at the oasis, the Ay-rabs wuz busy a-eatin' their dates!
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Granny was a-beating off the Indians, but
they jus' kept on a-comin'. Back at the outhouse, things were a-pilin' up.
And, as the U.S. Fourth Calvary mounted the hill, Tonto, cleverly disguised
as a doorknob, came off in the Lone Ranger's hand.
Meetings are an addictive, highly self indulgent activity that corporations
and other large organizations habitually engage in only becuase they cannot
-- Dave Barry
Mickey Mouse has a long talk one day with a psychiatrist, after which
the psychiatrist interviews Minnie Mouse. A few days later Mickey meets
with the psychiatrist, and the following conversation ensues:
Sigmund : I talked with Minnie after talking with you.
Mickey : Oh?
Sigmund : I couldn't find anything wrong with her -- she isn't insane.
Mickey : Idiot! I didn't say she was insane -- I said she was
Morris left for a two-day business trip to Chicago. He was only a few
blocks from his house, when he realized that he had left the airplane
tickets on his bureau top. He returned and quietly entered the house.
His wife, in her skimpiest negligee, was standing at the sink washing
the breakfast dishes. She looked so inviting that he tiptoed up behind
her, reached out, and squeezed her breast.
"Leave only one quart of milk," she said. "Morris won't be here
for breakfast tomorrow."
Most fish live underwater, which is a terrible place to have sex because
virtually anywhere you lie down there will be stinging crabs and large
quantities of little fish staring at you with buggy little eyes. So
generally when two fish want to have sex, they swim around and around for
hours, looking for someplace to go, until finally the female gets really
tired and has a terrible headache, and she just dumps her eggs right on the
sand and swims away. Then the male, driven by some timeless, noble instinct
for survival, eats the eggs. So the truth is that fish don't reproduce at
all, but there are so many of them that it doesn't make any difference.
-- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
Teen Should Know"
Most plain girls are virtuous because of the scarcity of opportunity
to be otherwise.
-- Maya Angelou, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings"
Most women look for a man who is tall, dark and hung some.
Moustache rides, 50 cents.
Mrs. Johnson had a very beautiful and intelligent parrot. He had just one
problem: He liked to fuck Mr. Hawkins' chickens. Mrs. Johnson scolded him
time and time again, but he would just laugh at her. Finally, she told him
that if he did it again, she would cut off all of the feathers on the top of
his head. Well, he resisted the urge for a week, but one day, he just
couldn't resist going next door. Besides, he figured she was bluffing.
Well, Mr. Hawkins came over, ranting and raving about how the parrot
had been fucking his chickens again. Mrs. Johnson didn't say a word, just
took out her scissors and cut off all of the parrot's head feathers.
That night, Mrs. Johnson had a big party at her house. Before it
started, she took the parrot and put him on top of the piano by the front
door. "Since you disobeyed me today, you have to stay here on the piano
tonight. Now, don't you dare move."
Well, the parrot was pretty pissed off about having his head bare,
and he wasn't too happy about having to spend the whole evening on the piano.
Still, as he usually did, when the butler would announce the guests as they
arrived, he would say hello to them. Just then, two bald-headed men came to
Before the butler could say anything, the parrot yelled, "Okay, you
chicken-fuckers, up here on the piano with me!"
Musing on her present and past professions as "dominant/sadomasichism
fantasy fulfiller" and dental hygienist, Sybil said, "I couldn't really
understand why I wanted to be a dental hygienist, but years later, after
being in the SM world a long time, I figured it out: I'm in uniform,
they're not. I'm standing up, they're lying down. I'm doing painful
things to them for their own good. This is so ME."
-- The Daily Cal, September 29, 1992 In an article titled:
"Kinky sex remains alive and whipping despite threat
of AIDS, book reveals"
My girlfriend's favorite erotic position is bending over my credit cards.
"My husband commits an inconceivable act of perversion with a
barnyard animal, and it's not central to my case?!"
"Not in California."
My idea of a wild party is where you throw the girls' panties at the wall
and they stick.
-- Johnny Bob
"My mother," said the sweet young steno, "says there are some things
a girl should not do before twenty."
"Your mother is right," said the executive, "I don't like a large
My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. One day my wife came home early from
work and found us in bed together.
-- Lenny Bruce
My mothers are wholly ignorant of the almost universal prevalence of secret
vice, or self-abuse, among the young. Why hesitate to say firmly and without
quibble that personal abuse lies at the root of much of the feebleness,
paleness, nervousness, and good-for-nothingness of the entire community?
-- Dr. J. H. Kellogg, "The Ladies Guide", Modern Medicine
Publishing Company, 1895. Dr. Kellogg helped invent
corn flakes and peanut butter. In addition to denouncing
masturbation, he believed that smoking caused cancer and
that certain ailments could be cured by rolling a
cannonball on the stomach.
My reaction to porno films is as follows: After the first ten minutes, I
want to go home and screw. After the first twenty minutes, I never want
to screw again as long as I live.
-- Erica Jong
My schoolmates would make love to anything that moved, but I never saw any
reason to limit myself.
-- Emo Philips
My sex life hasn't been so good; either fist or famine.
My wife and I only smoke after sex. I've had the same pack since 1967.
She's up to three packs a day.
-- Rodney Dangerfield
National Sex Week -- don't let your meat loaf.
Necessity is the mother of strange bedfellows. Watch who you sleep with.
Never ask your lover if he'd dive in front of an oncoming train for
you. He doesn't know. Never ask your lover if she'd dive in front of an
oncoming band of Hell's Angels for you. She doesn't know. Never ask how many
cigarettes your lover has smoked today. Cancer is a personal committment.
Never ask to see pictures of your lover's former lovers -- especially
the ones who dived in front of trains. If you look like one of them, you are
repeating history's mistakes. If you don't, you'll wonder what he or she saw
in the others.
While we are on the subject of pictures: You may admire the picture
of your lover cavorting naked in a tidal pool on Maui. Don't ask who took
it. The answer is obvious. A Japanese tourist took the picture.
Never ask if your lover has had therapy. Only people who have had
therapy ask if people have had therapy.
Don't ask about plaster casts of male sex organs marked JIMI, JIM, etc.
Assume that she bought them at a flea market.
-- James Peterson and Kate Nolan
Never try to keep up with the Joneses; they might be newlyweds.
NEW ADDITION TO THE LIBRARY:
"Sally", the department's new inflatable doll, is available on
a short-term removal basis only -- please sign her out and return her
promptly to avoid extended waits. (We are still awaiting shipment of
our "Big John" doll.)
Honey, I have something to confess to you. I'm a golfer.
You'll never see me on Tuesday nights, Thursday nights,
and weekends. I'm sorry.
I have something even worse to confess, dear. I'm a hooker.
Oh, honey, that's no problem! Just keep your head low and follow
Nice computers don't go down.
Nine out of ten men who preferred Camels have switched back to women.
No matter how celebrated the beauty of a woman, I would never spend a night
with her. The only celebrity with whom I would share a night is Max Planck.
But he is dead. So I live like a monk, aside from a little self gratification
in the afternoons.
-- Salvador Dali
Not everyone has a one-track mind.
-- From a Bisexuality 101 talk
Nothing is better than Sex.
Masturbation is better than nothing.
Therefore, Masturbation is better than Sex.
Nurse Jones is a regular on the newsgroup [alt.sex.bondage], and
occasionally has problems with folks harrassing her. She came up
with this in response to one...
Fortunately, my ego isn't as fragile as that woodpecker's wing.
When fratboy called me a dyke I told him that actually I was
bisexual, but that he shouldn't feel threatened because he didn't
meet either of my standards. But if it makes you feel more
comfortable, I said, my husband tied me to the bedposts this
morning and screwed the daylights out of me.
"Just think," said
"... that was four
hours ago and
my sperm count
is probably *still*
higher than yours."
Nybble me... Byte me... Unsigned long int me...
Of course, I speak of nothing else but that classic of understated yet wildly
exciting eroticism, "The Windflower," by Laura London. Ms. London is the
author of such other philosophical block-busters as "Bad Baron's Daughter,"
"A Heart Too Proud," "Moonlight Mist," and most thigh-warming of all, "Gypsy
Heiress". Well, glasses-steaming scenes are to be found on every page, to
an extent which overwhelms Your Humble Narrator, and so, in order to save
himself extreme embarrassment, he brings you... the blurb:
"Every lady of breeding knows: no one has a good time on a pirate
ship. No one, that is, but the pirates. Yet there she was, Merry Wilding
-- kidnapped in error, taken from a ship bound from New York to England,
spirited away in a barrel and swept aboard the infamous "Black Joke"...
There she was, trembling with pleasure in the arms of her achingly handsome,
sensationally sensual, golden-haired captor -- Devon."
Of course, most people eventually give up bowling for sex.
The balls are lighter and you don't have to change your shoes.
Oh John, let's not park here.
Oh John, let's not park.
Oh John, let's not.
Oh John, let's.
Oh what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to conceive.
-- Don Herold
Oh, baby, put two fingers here and one finger there and call me bitch.
Once upon a girl there was a time...
Once upon a time there was a farmer who had borrowed a bull to service his
two cows. He put all three animals on a meadow and sent little Johnny to
observe and report any success. A short time later, little Johnny came
running towards the house shouting: "Daddy, Daddy, the bull just fucked the
The father took little Johnny aside and said: "Look, kid, it's
alright if you use that kind of language around me, but the reverend is
going to be visiting soon. So next time, please use another word; just
say that the bull "surprised" the cow."
Johnny agreed and went back to observe any progress. A little
while later, while the preacher was talking to the farmer, little Johnny
came a-running again, shouting: "Daddy, Daddy!"
The father, trying to avoid embarrassing the preacher, said: "I
know, the bull surprised the brown cow."
Little Johnny replied: "He sure did, he fucked the white one again!"
Once upon a time there was a farmer who owned a large number of chickens and
made money by selling chickens to a local distributing company. The farmer
wanted to increase his business, and so went to market to buy another rooster.
"This rooster," assured the vendor, "is my best. He's virile and energetic
and will take care of all your chickens!" The farmer, delighted at this,
bought the rooster and returned to his farm. He set the rooster loose among
his hen houses and, sure enough, the rooster enthusiastically went to work.
It wasn't too long, however, before the rooster finished off all the hens and
began on the few geese and ducks that were on the farm. "If you keep up this
rate," warned the farmer, "you'll screw yourself to death!" The rooster,
however, scoffed at the farmer and continued at an increased speed. The next
morning, the farmer was doing his chores when he noticed several buzzards in
the sky circling over something. He headed out behind the barn, and sure
enough there was the rooster, flat on his back, with eyes closed. The farmer
shook his fist at the motionless body and cursed, shouting "I knew it! I told
you so! I knew you'd screw yourself to death!" The rooster turned his head
toward the farmer, opened one eye, and winked. "Shhh!" he said, pointing to
the birds above. "I think they're coming down."
Once upon a time there was a little girl named Little Red Riding Hood. One
fine morning she decided to visit her Grandmother, so she put a freshly baked
cake and a .357 magnum into her basket and set off through the forest. When
she got there, what should she find but a big black wolf in the bed, who
jumped up, grabbed her and snarled, "I'm going to fuck you until the sun goes
So Little Red Riding Hood whipped out the .357 and said, "Oh, no,
you're not! You're going to eat me just like the story says!"
Once upon a time there was a sperm named Stanley. He'd do pushups and
somersaults and limber up all the time, while the other sperm just lay around
on their fat asses not doing a thing. One day, one of them became curious
enough to ask Stanley why he exercised all day. Stanley said,
"Look, only one sperm gets a woman pregnant and when the right
time comes, I am going to be that one."
A few days later, the all felt themselves getting hotter and hotter, and they
knew that it was getting to be their time to go. They were released abruptly
and, sure enough, there was Stanley swimming far ahead of all the others.
All of a sudden, Stanley stopped, turned around, and began to swim back with
all his might.
"Go back! Go back!" he screamed. "It's a blow job!"
Once upon a time there were three coeds -- a big coed, a medium-sized coed,
and a little, tiny coed. One night they came home from a dance, and the big
coed said, "Someone's been sleeping in my bed!"
The medium-sized coed looked in her room and said, "Someone's been
sleeping in my bed!"
And the little, tiny coed said, "Well, nighty-night, girls!"
Once you come out as a Pagan bisexual married leatherdyke, the rest of life
is that much easier.
One by one the vice-presidents of a large corporation were called into the
boss's office. Then the junior executives were individually summoned.
Finally the office boy was brought in.
"I want the truth, Charles," the boss bellowed. "Have you been
playing around with my secretary?"
"N-no, sir," the office boy stammered. "I-I'd never do anything
like that, sir."
"All right, all right," sighed the boss, "then you fire her."
One day a city dweller decided to take a ride in the country. He hopped
into his sportscar, wandered along the highway for a while and then exited
to some very rural dirt roads in the middle of farm country. After awhile,
he came across a farmer who clearly working his fields. The funny thing was,
the farmer didn't seem to be wearing any pants. The man got out of his car
and approached the farmer.
"Hey, buddy," he asked, "how come you're not wearing any clothes?"
Replied the farmer, "Well, boy, th' other day I was out a-workin'
in the fields, an' I plum fergot t' wear mah shirt. Got back to th' house
that night, and mah neck was stiffer than a oak-wood board. This here's
mah wife's idea."
One day a mother and daughter are walking around a farming community
and they see a stallion mounting a mare. The daughter takes in the scene and
turns to her mother. "Mommy, what are those two horses doing?"
Her mother hastily answered, "The horse on top hurt its hoof, and the
one on the bottom is carrying him back to the stable."
The daughter shook her head and sadly replied, "Isn't that just the
way it goes? Try to help someone and you get fucked."
One day Adam, while wandering around the Garden of Eden, noticed that all
the animals seemed to come in pairs, male and female. He also noted that
they seemed to enjoy being together a lot. So, he went to his special
place and reported to God what he'd noticed.
God, understanding his need, said, "Adam, the time has come for me
to provide you with a mate. Go lie down and when you have fallen asleep, I
will create your mate."
So Adam wandered off, found a nice patch of soft grass and fell
asleep. Some time later he awoke, possibly due to a bit of pain in his
ribs, possibly because of the gorgeous woman leaning over him. Remembering
the animals he'd seen having such fun, he immediately reached for her.
Pretty soon Adam's back at his special place.
"Yes, Adam, what now?"
"God, what's a headache?"
One day Father O'Malley was walking through the park when he came upon an
enchanting scene. A beautiful little girl with long blond hair, deep blue
eyes, and a dainty white dress was reading under a tree with her adorable
What a lovely picture, thought the Father to himself. Walking over,
he asked, "Child, what is your name?"
"Blossom," she replied.
"What a fitting name," exclaimed Father O'Malley. "And how did your
parents come to choose such a pretty name?"
"Well, one day when I was still in my mommy's tummy she was lying
under this very tree when a blossom fell and landed on her stomach. She
thought it was a message from God and decided that I would be a girl and my
name would be Blossom," explained the little girl sweetly.
How charming, thought the priest. He started to say good-bye and
walk away, then turned back. "And the name of your little dog?" he
"Porky," was the child's reply.
Again he asked her how the unusual name had been chosen.
"Because he likes to fuck pigs."
"One day I got on the usual bus, and when I stepped in, I saw the most
gorgeous blond chinese girl... I sat beside her... I said 'Hi,' and she
said 'Hi,' and then I said 'Nice day, isn't it,' and she said 'Yeah, I
guess'... I said 'What do you mean "you guess"?'... she said 'I saw my
analyst today and he says I have a problem.'... so I asked 'What's the
problem?'... she replied 'I can't tell you, I don't even know you.'...
I said 'Well sometimes it's good to tell your problems to a perfect
stranger on a bus.' So she said, 'Well, my analyst said I'm a nymphomaniac
and I only like Jewish cowboys... by the way, my name is Diane.' I said,
'Hello, Diane, my name is Bucky Goldstein.'"
-- Steven Wright
One hundred and one uses for canned peaches.
One hundred and two if you plan to eat them.
One man's nightmare is another man's wet dream.
One morning after an evening of particularly heavy drinking, a man awoke
and upon rolling over in bed saw one of the ugliest women he had ever
seen. As he was about to get out of bed, he looked on the floor and saw
another woman even less appealing than the first. Seeing his look of
wide-eyed amazement, the woman on the floor snapped, "Don't look at me
like that, I was only the bridesmaid."
One night when his charge was pretty high, Micro-Farad decided to
seek out a cute little coil to let him discharge. He picked up Milli-Amp
and took her for a ride on his Megacycle. They rode across the Wheatstone
bridge, around the sine waves, and stopped in the magnetic field by the
flowing current. Micro-Farad, attracted by Milli-Amp's charactaristic curves,
soon had her fully charged and excited, her resistance to a minimum. He laid
her on the ground potential, raised her frequency, and lowered her reluctance.
He pulled out his high voltage probe and inserted it into her socket,
connecting them in parallel and began short circuiting her resistance shunt.
Fully excited, Milli-Amp mumbled: "OHM-OHM-OHM."
With his tube operating at a maximum and her field vibrating with
his current flow, it caused her shunt to overheat, and Micro-Farad was rapidly
discharged and drained of every electron. They Fluxed all night trying
various connections and sockets until his magnet had a soft core and lost
all of its field strength.
Afterwards, Milli-Amp tried self-induction and damaged her
solenoids. With his battery fully discharged, Micro-Farad was unable to
excite his field, so they spent the night reversing polarity and blowing
each others fuses.
-- Eddie Currents, "The Sex Life of an Electron"
One of my favorite Zoo jokes has to do with a woman who, while
visiting the zoo, desided to have a little fun with the Gorilla. She walks
up to his cage, reaches in, and begins to fondle the beast. Needless to
say, the animal becomes quite excited, and as he tries to reciprocate in
kind, the woman steps back and gives him a raspberry...!
The gorilla becomes enraged. He rips the bars from his cage, grabs
the woman, drags her back into the cage, and ravishes her. While doing so,
he inflicts a great deal of harm upon her person.
Later, at the hospital, a neighbor of the woman visits and exclaims,
"Oh, you poor dear...! Are you hurt?"
"Hurt!", "Hurt!?" the injured lady sobs, "He doesn't phone. He
One of the airlines recently introduced a special half-fare rate for wives
accompanying their husbands on business trips. Anticipating some valuable
testimonials, the publicity department of the airline sent out letters to
all the wives of businessmen who used the special rates, asking how they
enjoyed their trip. Responses are still pouring in asking,
One of the most expensive things in life is a girl who is free for the evening.
One of the regular foursome was sick, so a new member named George filled in.
He was good and pleasant company so they asked him to join them again the
"Fine," George said, "but I may be a few minutes late."
The following Sunday George showed up right on time. Not only that, he played
left-handed and beat them. They agreed to meet the following Sunday morning.
George was eager to come, but again, mentioned that he might be a few minutes
late. The next Sunday there was George, punctual to the dot. This time he
played right-handed and beat them again.
"You on for next Sunday, George?" one of the foursome asked.
"Sure," George replied, "but I might be a few..."
Another golfer jumped in. "Wait a minute... You always say you might
be late, but you're always right on time, and you always win, left-handed
"Well," George replied, rather sheepishly, "that's true, but see, I'm
superstitious. If my wife is sleeping on her right, when I wake up, I play
right handed. If she's sleeping on her left side, I play left handed."
"What if she's lying on her back?"
George said, "That's when I'm late."
One PAYDAY, MR. GOODBAR wanted a BIT O' HONEY. So he took his Miss
HERSHEY behind the POWERHOUSE on the corner of 5th AVENUE and CLARK where he
there began to feel her MOUNDS. And that was an ALMOND JOY which definately
made his TOOSIE ROLL.
He let out a SNICKER as he slipped his BUTTERFINGER up her KIT KAT
which of course caused the MILKY WAY. She screamed "OH, HENRY!" as she
squeezed his PETER, PAUL and ZAGNUTS and said "you're better then the 3
-- John Volby (Dr. Dirty), "The Candy Bar Poem"
One should be cherry of virgins.
One spring evening, after a hard rain, grandpa and grandson were
sitting out on the porch, talking. Grandpa spied a worm crawling up out
of its hole and said to his grandson, "Sonny, if you can get that there
worm back down its hole, I'll give you five dollars."
"Sure!", says sonny, and runs in the house. Out he runs an
instant later with a can of hairspray, grabs the worm, and sprays it with
the hairspray as it dangles earthward. He then slips the stiff worm back
into its hole and turns to his grandpa with a huge smile on his face.
"Well, I'll be. That was pretty smart there, boy.", he says.
"Here's your fiver.", he adds as he fishes out a bill. By then it's almost
dark, and they say their goodnights and part.
The next day sonny's playing out on the porch, and grandpa comes
out of the house and gives him a five. "But you gave me my five yesterday,
grandpa.", he remarks.
"Yep, I know. This is from your Grandma."
Ooooooh, nooooooo, not tonight!!
Ooops. Gotta run. My dog wants sex. Later.
Operators mount anything!
Oral sex is like being attacked by a giant snail.
-- Germaine Greer
Other people don't give you orgasms; you have them, and they help you
cash them in.
Ouch! That felt good!
-- Karen Gordon
"Our school, madame, postulates, first of all, that since the
science of mathematics is an abstract science, it is best inculcated by
some concrete example."
Said the Queen, "But that sounds rather complicated."
"It occasionally leads to complications," Jurgen admitted, "through
a choice of the wrong example. But the axiom is no less true."
"Come, then, and sit next to me on this couch if you can find it in
the dark; and do you explain to me what you mean."
"Why, madame, by a concrete example I mean one that is perceptible
to any of the senses -- as to sight or hearing, or touch --"
"Oh, oh!" said the Queen, "now I perceive what you mean by a concrete
example. And grasping this, I can understand that complications must of
course arise from a choice of the wrong example."
-- James Branch Cabell, "Jurgen"
Painters do it with even strokes.
Passion is that funny feeling that drives a man to bite a woman's neck
because she has beautiful legs.
When Pee-wee Herman was arrested that evening in Sarasota, Florida,
the bill at the XXX South Trail Cinema featured:
+ Nurse Nancy, starring Sandra Scream
+ Turn Up the Heat, starring Savannah
+ Tiger Shark, starring Raven
People who live in glass houses should ball in the basement.
Perhaps at fourteen every boy should be in love with some ideal woman to put
on a pedestal and worship. As he grows up, of course, he will put her on
a pedestal the better to view her legs.
-- Barry Norman, in "The Listener"
Persistence, like perspiration, is 99 percent of the fine art of love.
Philosophy is to the real world as masturbation is to sex.
-- Karl Marx
Physicists do it with charm.
Picking up a man in a bar is like a snowstorm, you never know when
he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long'll he'll stay.
Politicians do it to everyone.
Postulate #1: Nothing is better than sex.
Postulate #2: Masturbation is better than nothing.
Conclusion: Masturbation is better than sex.
Pouring out his troubles to his best friend over a couple of triple martinis,
Brad had to confess that things weren't going too well at home. "My wife and
I just don't hit it off at night," he was saying to Bart. "I hate to admit
it, but I'm afraid I just don't know how to make her happy."
"Hell, boy," said Bart, "there's really nothing to it. Let me
give you some advice. At bedtime, switch on a new Sinatra platter, turn
all the lights low and spray some perfume around the room. Next, tell
your wife to get into her sheerest nightie; then make sure you raise the
"Then what do I do?" asked Brad.
"That's right. I'll be waiting outside the window. When I hear
you whistle, I'll come right up and finish the job."
Pregnancy -- the worst sexually transmitted disease of them all.
Pregnancy begins with a single sell.
Printers do it without wrinkling the sheets.
Probably the question asked most often is: Do one-celled animals have
orgasms? The answer is yes, they have orgasms almost constantly, which is
why they don't mind living in pools of warm slime.
-- Dave Barry, "Sex and the Single Amoeba: What Every
Teen Should Know"
Procrastinators do it tomorrow.
Programmers do it bit by bit.
Programmers do it until it goes down.
Programmers get overlaid.
Prostitution is the only business where you can go into the hole and
still come out ahead.
Psychiatry is quite similar to prostitution, only less honest. They both
promise to make people feel better, but the prostitute doesn't make
pretensions that the feelings will last once the client walks out the door.
Ralph: Lisa, you have no tits and a awful tight pussy.
Lisa: Ralph... get off my back!!
Rating women on the Budweiser scale; the number of Clydesdales it would take
to pull you off her.
Reach out and fuck someone.
Remember when you were a kid and the boys didn't like the girls? Only
sissies liked girls? What I'm trying to tell you is that nothing's
changed. You think boys grow out of not liking girls, but we don't grow
out of it. We just grow horny. That's the problem. We mix up liking
pussy for liking girls. Believe me, one couldn't have less to do with
-- Jules Feiffer
Remember, there's a big difference between kneeling down and bending over.
-- Frank Zappa
Remember, when preparing a dish for bedtime, champagne is the best tenderizer.
Returning from the men's room, a bar customer was sadly, shaking his head.
"What's the matter, buddy?", inquired the bartender.
"Well," replied the customer, "while I was in the men's room, I saw
someone had scribbled `Wendy gives really fabulous head; absolutely the best
blow job in the world!' on the wall."
"Ahh, hell," said the bartender. "Don't give it a second thought,
we get jerks in here like anywhere else."
"I know," snarled the headshaker. "One of them scratched out the
Revenge is sleeping with your enemy's wife. Sweet revenge is the realization
that she's a lousy lay.
Rogue players do it with all sorts of different animals.
Roses on your piano isn't nearly as good as tulips on your organ.
Runners do it alone.
Santa Claus comes down the chimney and the nubile sixteen-year-old
has been waiting for him. Santa sees her, and in typically unflappable
Santa-style says, "And what do you want for Christmas, little girl?"
The girl, and she's not so little, tells him. Well, Santa is
definitely flapped by this, but he manages to come out with, "Ho ho ho,
gotta go, gotta get the children their toys, you know."
The girl, not to be daunted, takes off her robe. "Aw, please stay
Santa," she begs.
He replies, "Ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta get the children their toys,
She then takes off her pajama top, her firm pouting breasts pointing
at Santa like an accusation. "Aw, please stay Santa," she pleads.
"Ho ho ho, gotta go, gotta get the children their toys, you know."
Finally, she takes off her pajama bottoms, revealing to Santa her
warm mound of delight. "Aw, please stay, Santa," she begs.
Being only mortal, Santa finally gives in, sighing, "Hey hey hey,
gotta stay, can't get up the chimney with my dick this way."
Satyrs have more faun.
Save a forest - eat a beaver!
Save a mouse, eat a pussy!
"Scott, baby," the sexually aggressive girl murmured as she guided her
date's finger to her clitoris, "This bud's for you."
Seems like there were these two dogs in a vet's waiting room, each eyeing
the other suspiciously. One of them turns to the other.
"What are you here for?" he asks.
"Well," replies the other, "I was feeling really bad the other day,
and Master's six year old son started bothering me. I tried to ignore it,
but I was feeling so rotten that I bit his hand."
"Yeah, I now what you mean. So, what are you here for?"
"Erm ... well ... Master reckons that I'm too vicious, so I'm going
to be ... you know ... I'm going to have the *operation*."
"Oh. Well, I'm sorry," sympathised the first dog.
Time passed. The about-to-be-neutered dog coughed politely.
"So," he asked, "What are you in here for?"
"Oh, nothing really," the other replied, embarrassed.
"Go on, I told you, it *can't* be as bad!"
"OK. Well, it's like this. The bitch next door was in heat, and so
I was feeling, you know, a bit randy. Then Mistress came into the kitchen
wearing a short skirt and no underwear, and she bent over. I just couldn't
resist it!" admitted the dog.
"Oh! So you're here for the operation too!"
"No," came the reply, "I'm here to have my nails clipped!"
Seems like this guy is hitting up on a woman in a bar. After assiduously
pursuing her for several minutes, she leans forward and tells him that he's
a nice guy and all that, but, well, that she's a lesbian. Confused, he asks
her what that means.
"Well," she replies, "you see that woman at the corner table?"
"I'd like to walk over to her, and unbottom her blouse."
"And then I'd like to kiss her and suck on her nipples... and
then I'd like to take off her skirt... and run my hand over her thighs..."
"Right! Right!" interrupts the guy. "I think I'm a lesbian too!"
Seems there was this traveling salesman who wandered into a brothel and
asked the madam for a woman who would give him the absolutely worst blow-job
imaginable. Not horny, just homesick.
Seems this guy notices a young nun sitting on the bus; through her heavy veil
he just spots a glimmer of her face. Gorgeous! She moves, and her vestments
cannot hide the fact she has a truly phenomenal body. The guy gets more and
more excited until he finally approaches the nun and tells "Sister, please
believe me, I don't normally do this sort of thing, but I think I love you.
Could we maybe talk?"
The nun almost runs off the bus. As the young man's stop comes up,
the bus driver asks the guy if he was the person bothering the nun. The man
starts apologizing, but the bus driver interrupts him. "No, don't apologize,
I was checking her out myself. Listen, you see where she got on? She goes
there every day, to a little park. Why don't you meet here there?"
Sure enough, the man goes to the park the next day and there's the nun
in a secluded grove of trees. He approaches her, and she seems, although shy,
much more willing to talk. After an hour of cautious talk, he asks her if
she'd be willing to make love with him. She blushes, smiles, blushes again
and says "yes". But that she doesn't dare risk getting pregnant, so it would
have to be the "back door".
As they start to make love, the young man is overcome with guilt;
panting, he says, "Sister, I have to tell you, I'm the guy who was annoying
you on the bus yesterday.
Replies the nun, "Well, that's okay. I'm not really a nun. I'm
actually the bus driver."
Seems this guy showed up at a party, and all of his friends jumped for
Joy. But she sidestepped, and they missed.
Self-abuse is the most certain road to the grave.
-- Dr. George M. Calhoun, 1855
Sex and drugs and UNIX.
Sex and mathematics have one thing in common. You can do each while thinking
about the other.
Sex appeal is 50% what you've got and 50% what people think you've got.
-- Sophia Loren
Sex discriminates against the shy and ugly.
Sex hasn't been the same since women started enjoying it.
-- Lewis Grizzard
Sex is a biological function; kissing is a committment.
Sex is a natural bodily process, like a stroke.
Sex is about as important as a cheese sandwich. But a cheese sandwich,
if you ain't got one to put in your belly, is extremely important.
-- Ian Dury
Sex is an emotion in motion.
-- Mae West
"Sex is as honest a product benefit for fragrance [perfume] as taste is
for diet Coke."
-- Malcolm DacDougall
Sex is better than grass, if you have the right pusher.
Sex is dirty, but only if you do it right.
Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn.
-- Garrison Keillor
Sex is just one damp thing after another.
Sex is like a bridge game -- If you have a good hand no partner is needed.
Sex is like pizza -- when it's good, it's great; and when it's bad,
it's still darn tasty!
Sex is low in calories, and *oooh* that aftertaste!
Sex is nobody's business but the three people involved.
Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.
-- Swami X
Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation ... the other eight
-- Henry Miller
Sex is the mathematics urge sublimated.
-- M. C. Reed
Sex is the poor man's opera.
-- G. B. Shaw
Sex is what women have and men want.
Sex without class consciousness cannot give satisfaction, even if it is
repeated until infinity.
-- Aldo Brandirali (Secretary of the Italian Marxist-Leninist
Party), in a manual of the party's official sex guidelines,
Sex without love is an empty experience, but, as empty experiences go,
it's one of the best.
-- Woody Allen
Sex; it's always best when one partner is at least a little bit desperate.
Sexual enlightenment is justified insofar as girls cannot learn too soon
how children do not come into the world.
-- Karl Kraus
She asked me if I loved her still. "Yes," I replied. "I've never had
you any other way."
She called her parakeet Onan, because he spilled his seed.
-- Dorothy Parker
She was a farmer's daughter but she couldn't keep her calves together.
She was only a mortician's daughter but anyone cadaver.
She was only:
a coal digger's daughter, but she'll always be mine.
a statistician's daughter, but she knew all the standard deviations.
a wrestler's daughter, but you should have seen her box.
a moonshiner's daughter, but I love her still.
a chimney sweep's daughter, but she sure knew how to haul ash.
a fireman's daughter, but her face was a cause for alarm.
a banker's daughter, but she opened her drawers for cash.
She was wearing a very tight skirt, and when she tried to board the Fifth
Avenue bus she found she couldn't lift her leg. She reached back and
unzipped her zipper. It didn't seem to do any good, so she reached back
and unzipped it again. Suddenly the man behind her lifted her up and put
her on the top step.
"How dare you?" she demanded.
"Well, lady," he said, "by the time you unzipped my fly for the
second time I thought we'd become good friends."
She's fine, upstanding, and wonderful laying down.
She's looking for: He's looking for: Foreplay:
1957 Someone who'll go Her: Finding a place to put
Mr. Nice Guy all the way her gum
Him: Wondering which word would
best describe her breasts
to the guys
1967 Someone who's got The first ten minutes
Mr. Natural rolling papers and of "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida"
will go all the way
1977 Someone who'll go Testing the batteries
Mr. Goodbar all the way in leg
warmers and a leather
1987 Someone who's never Examination of the genitalia
Mr. Clean gone all the way in under the magnifying glass
San Francisco that Grandma used for needle-
point before she passed away
-- Michael Corcoran, "National Lampoon", October 1987
She's the kind of woman you could fall madly in bed with.
"Sir", said the beggar, "can you spare fifty dollars for a cup of coffee?"
"Fifty dollars for a cup of coffee, one should be sufficient!",
answered the gentleman, rather shortly.
"I know", replied the beggar, "but coffee always makes me horny."
Sixteen'll get you twenty.
So this elderly couple were sitting in their tiny cold water flat on the
lower East Side when the husband said, "Doris, we're in bad shape. Inflation
has eaten up our Social Security check. The next one isn't due for a week
and we've got no money left for food."
"Could I do anything to help?" she asked.
"Yes," he said. "I hate to see you do this but it's the only way.
You're going to have to go out and hustle."
"Me?" she asked. "At the age of sixty-five?"
"It's the only way," he said.
Resigned to the situation, she went out into the warm night. She came
staggering in early the next morning.
"How did you do?" asked the husband.
"Here," she said, "I've got four dollars and ten cents."
"Four dollars and ten cents," he said . "Who gave you the ten cents?"
"Everybody," she said.
So, how's your love life? Still holding your own?
So, your daughter was voted "Most Likely to Conceive", and you're still
drinking ordinary scotch?
Sodomy is a pain in the ass.
Some of the greatest love affairs I've known have involved one actor,
-- Wilson Mizner
Some women achieve greatness, some have greatness thrust into them.
Some women are like musical glasses. To keep them in tune they must be wet.
-- Samuel Coleridge
Statisticians do it with 95% confidence.
Statisticians probably do it.
Sticks and stones may break my bones but whips and chains excite me!!!
Sure eating yogurt will improve your sex life. People know that if
you'll eat that stuff, you'll eat anything.
Systems people do it with a small, but clean, interface.
Teaching undergraduates is like herding sheep. And, like the old Basque
sheepherder explained, whenever the livestock starts looking good to you,
it's time to spend a night in town.
Teen-age prostitution: the problem is mounting!
Test makers do it:
D: none of the above.
That girl could suck the chrome off a bumper.
That reminds me of a friend of mine who went north to work on the Alaskan
pipeline. Before he went up there, he was just a skinny little runt. When
he got back, he was a husky fucker.
"That wife of mine is a liar," said the angry husband to a
sympathetic pal seated next to him in a bar.
"How do you know?" the friend asked.
"She didn't come home last night, and when I asked her where
she'd been she said she'd spent the night with her sister Shirley."
"So, she's a liar. I spent the night with her sister Shirley."
That's the most fun I've had without laughing.
-- Woody Allen, on sex
The abbess of a nunnery was instructing a group of novices on the house rules
of her particular order. The indoctrination period, which went on for hours,
began with "No washing of undies in the founts," and ended with "Lights out at
nine. Candles out at ten."
The best way to cut off a cat's tail is to repossess his Jaguar.
The Bible contains six admonishments to homosexuals and 362 admonishments
to heterosexuals. That doesn't mean that God doesn't love heterosexuals.
It's just that they need more supervision.
The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that
sex for money usually costs a lot less.
-- Brendan Francis
The blind daters had really hit it off and at the end of the evening, as
they were beginning to undress each other in his apartment, the fellow said,
"Before we go any further, Charmaine, tell me -- do you have
any special fetishes that I should take into account in bed?"
"As a matter of fact," smiled the girl, "I do happen to have a foot
fetish -- but I suppose I'd settle for maybe seven or eight inches."
The bottom-up approach always gets me buggered.
-- Sidney J. Hurtubise
The butcher, the baker, the candlestick make her, why can't I?
The country girl who became a city madam has obviously gone from rags to rigids.
The difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball is that you can
only get three fingers in a bowling ball.
The difference between her and the Titanic is that only 1100 men went down
on the Titanic.
The difference between like and love is the same as the difference between
a spit and a swallow.
The difference between women and girls is as much as twenty years,
in some states.
The doctor had just finished giving the young man a thorough physical
examination. "The best thing for you to do," the M.D. said, "is give up
drinking, give up smoking, get to bed early and stay away from women."
"Doc, I don't deserve the best," pleaded his patient. "What's second best?"
The first time we slept together she drove a recreational vehicle into
-- Richard Lewis
The five-alarm fire had been raging out of control for hours, pouring thick,
black smoke over the street. At last the blaze was under control and the
fire chief began accounting for his men. Two were missing, so he ordered
a search. Captain Kelly finally rounded a fire truck parked in an alley
and found, to his shock, one fireman with his trousers down leaning over a
garbage can and another fireman screwing him in the ass.
"What's the meaning of this!", the captain roared.
"Jones here had passed out from smoke inhalation," the fireman on
"You're supposed to give mouth to mouth resuscitation for that!"
the captain yelled.
"I know. That's what started this," the fireman replied.
The fucking ain't worth the fighting.
The girls that go to see a man's etchings may not know art ...
but they know what they like!
The good doctor had been an inspiration to the jungle natives. He had cured
their sick and taught them the religious and moral values of his own England.
He was loved and respected by every native in the village, but on this
particular afternoon the chief was obviously troubled as he entered the
doctor's hut. "You live among my people long time now," said the chief.
"You tell us not right for a man and girl to be close together before
marriage and we believe what you say. This morning white child born to
woman in village. You only white man in jungle. What I tell my people?"
The doctor smiled and led the chief to a window. "My son," he said,
"I'll won't attempt to give you a full scientific explanation for the
phenomenon known as an albino. But look at the flock of sheep upon that
hill. Every one is snow white except one. The white baby born to the
woman in your village means nothing more or less than that one black sheep
in the white flock. It is simply one of nature's mysterious accidents."
The black chief became embarrassed and looked at his feet. "OK, doc,"
he said. "You no tell -- I no tell."
The good news is that the horse is dead, but your mother's pregnant.
The good thing about masturbation is that you don't have to dress up for it.
-- Truman Capote
The hacker as a mate/lover and the signs of trouble:
-- The morning after note reads:
I enjoyed last night. We really interfaced. You looked so cute
I wanted to byte your ear.
-- He believes Steve Wozniak offered the Apple to Adam.
-- The people he tries to emulate are five years his junior.
-- The last straw:
Once again, your date has lost all track of time debugging a new
program and shows up an hour late.
Make nasty asides regarding his 5-1/4 inch floppy.
Remind him that "going down" doesn't necessarily
indicate a malfunction.
The harder they come, the more important it is to have an extra-firm mattress.
The honest female orgasm is three to fifteen rhythmic contractions of the
outer third of the vagina at .8 second intervals, which is approximately
the beat of Surfing Safari" by the Beach Boys. Unless these contractions
occur, you can regard her groaning, moaning, clawing, kicking, begging for
mercy, and shouting filthy religious epithets as bargain-basement histrionics.
-- John Hughes, National Lampoon
The honeymoon is over when a quickie before dinner refers to a short drink.
The hungover couple dawdled over a midafternoon breakfast, after a
particularly wild all-night party held in their fashionable apartment.
"Dearest, this is rather embarrassing," said the husband, "but
was it you I made love to in the library last night?"
His wife looked at him reflectively and then asked, "About what time?"
The husband was disturbed by his wife's indifferent attitude towards him
and the marriage counselor suggested he try being more aggressive in his
"Act more like a romantic lover and less like a bored spouse," he
was advised. "When you go home, make love to her as soon as you meet --
even if it's right inside the front door."
At the next consultation, the adviser was pleased to hear that the
husband had followed his instructions. "And how did she react this time?"
the consultant asked.
"Well, to tell you the truth," the husband replied, "she was still
sort of indifferent. But one thing I've got to admit: her bridge club went
The husband wired home that he had been able to wind up his business trip a
day early and would be home on Thursday. When he walked into his apartment,
however, he found his wife in bed with another man. Furious, he picked up his
bag and stormed out. He met his mother-in-law on the street, told her what
had happened and announced that he was filing for divorce in the morning.
"Give my daughter a chance to explain before you take any action,"
the older woman pleaded. Reluctantly, he agreed.
An hour later his mother-in-law phoned the husband at his club.
"I knew my daughter would have an explanation," she said, a note of triumph
in her voice. "She didn't receive your telegram!"
The Italian entry in the Eurovision Song Contest, "I Can't Get No
Contraception", has been withdrawn after the Pope advised them to pull it out
at the last minute.
-- Not the Nine O'Clock News
The king arranged a regal marriage for his daughter -- a bond that would unite
two great kingdoms. Yet, because the young couple seemed so formal to each
other, he posted a spy outside the royal wedding chamber and demanded a full
account of the wedding night's progress.
"It's hard to tell," said the spy the next morning. "When the prince
entered the chamber, I heard the princess say, quite formally, 'I offer you my
honor.' Then the prince said, with equal courtliness, 'I honor your offer.'
And that's the way it went all night long -- honor, offer, honor, offer.
The largest gay community in the U.S. (as a percentage of total population)
is not in San Francisco, but in Iowa Falls, Minnesota (pop. 763), a small
town in which virtually everyone is gay. In 1976, a group of about 100
gays fleeing persecution in the South settled in the town, and soon won a
majority on the town council. Ordinances prohibiting heterosexual acts
soon followed. "After all," said mayor Harry Whalen, "If the Supreme Court
has refused to strike down laws prohibiting homosexual acts, then our
anti-straight laws are equally valid." Rigorous enforcement of those laws
has resulted in a community that is now almost 100% gay. Said one long-time
resident: "I've lived here 35 years and didn't want to leave, but I didn't
want to give up sex either. Then my neighbor Ed came over one night, and
said how about I do it with him, and my wife Millie could do it with his
wife. Well, I found it wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it was gonna be.
Fact is, I rather like it."
The little boy pointed to two dogs in the park and asked his father what
they were doing. "They're making puppies, son," replied the father.
That night, the boy wandered into his parents' room while they were
making love. Asked what they were doing, the father replied, "Making you
a baby brother."
"Gee, Dad," the boy pleaded, "turn her over -- I'd rather have a
The little old lady rushed into the taxidermist and unwrapped a package
containing two recently deceased monkeys. Her instructions to the proprietor
were delivered in a welter of tears.
"Favorite pets... (blubber,sob)... caught cold... (moan)... Don't
see how I'll live without them... (weep,sob)... want to have them stuffed...
"Of course, madam," said the proprietor in an understanding voice,
"and would you care to have them mounted?"
"Oh, no," she sobbed, "shaking hands. They were just close friends."
The man and woman make love, attain climax, fall separate. Then she
whispers, "I'll tell you who I was thinking of if you tell me who you
were thinking of." Like most sex jokes the origins of the pleasant
exchange are obscure. But whatever the source, it seldom fails to evoke
a certain awful recognition.
-- Gore Vidal, "New York Review of Books"
The man who said "A bird in the hand's worth two in the bush" has been
putting his bird in the *WRONG* bushes.
The most pressing issue facing women today is finding a contraceptive
jelly that smells like a fresh fruit salad.
The most romantic thing any woman ever said to me in bed was "Are you sure
you're not a cop?"
-- Larry Brown
The most unfair thing about STDs (sexually transmitted diseases) is
that the guys who bought vasectomies have to wear condoms anyway.
The most unsatisfactory men are those who pride themselves on their
virility and regard sex as if it were some form of athletics at which you
win cups. It is a woman's spirit and mood which a man has to stimulate in
order to make sex interesting. The real lover is the man who can thrill
you by just touching your head or smiling into your eyes -- or just by
staring into space.
-- Marilyn Monroe
The nervous young bride became irritated by her husband's lusty advances on
their wedding night and reprimanded him severly.
"I demand proper manners in bed," she declared, "just as I do at
the dinner table."
Amused by his wife's formality, the groom smoothed his rumpled hair
and climbed quietly between the sheets. "Is that better?" he asked, with a
hint of a smile.
"Yes," replied the girl, "much better."
"Very good, darling," the husband whispered. "Now would you
be so kind as to please pass the pussy?"
The old mailman is making his last rounds; he retires at the end of
the week. As he approaches the Jones' house, Mrs. Jones greets him warmly at
the door. "Please come in! We're very grateful for your years of service to
us and our neighborhood. I've prepared something special for you."
In walks the mailman, to a graciously appointed dining room, where
Mrs. Jones has prepared a sumptuous lunch. After dumping his letter satchel
on the couch, he and Mrs. Jones have a charming meal. As the mailman finished
his last glass of wine, thanking his hostess profusely, she stops him from
leaving and disappears upstairs. She returns in a moment, in a daring
negligee, and takes the astonished postman to the bedroom, where the elaborate
farewell is consummated between the sheets.
As he's putting his pants on, Mrs. Jones reaches into her nightstand,
pulls out a dollar bill, and hands it to him. Reacting to his astonished
look, she says, "Well, I told my husband that you were retiring and that
we should do something for you. He said 'Fuck him. Give him a dollar!'"
She pauses and smiles proudly. "The lunch was MY idea."
The only difference between your current lover and a doorknob is that a
doorknob warms up when you hold it.
The only people who make love all the time are liars.
-- Louis Jordan
The only psychologically damaging thing about masturbation is that there's
nobody else to blame later for persuading you to do it.
The only way to behave to a woman is to make love to her if she is pretty
and to someone else if she is plain.
-- Oscar Wilde
The operator's left hand quivered as she gingerly unlatched the catch to
the diskette reader. Uncontrollably, she reached down, guiding the
sharply pointed diskette into the deep, dark slot. The floppy diskette
nearly folded under the repeated thrusts of her hand, until finally she
could control it no longer, her right hand instinctively taking an option
zero. And then it all came at once, thousands upon thousands of data
bits flowing from diskette to disk in a torrent of torrid transfer, as
the helpless legs of the 32 strained to remain on the floor.
The other day my girlfriend and I were going to a party and on the
way there, we got a flat tire. We got out of the car and I pumped, she
jacked I pumped, she jacked, I pumped, she jacked and then we changed the
tire. Eventually we arrived at the party and when we walked in, everyone was
jumping for joy. What a sight seeing her hanging nude from the chandelier!
Well the party was OK, I guess, we just sat around drinking sherry and eating
candy. Everybody else started feeling merry. Those have got to be the three
wildest girls I know.
The other night I was having sex, but the girl hung up on me.
The outraged husband discovered his wife in bed with another man.
"What is the meaning of this?" he demanded. "Who is this fellow?"
"That seems like a fair question," said the wife, rolling over.
"What IS your name?"
The owner of a large furniture store in the mid-west arrived in France
on a buying trip. As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an
acquaintance with a beautiful young lady. However, she only spoke
French and he only spoke English, so each couldn't understand a word
the other spoke. He took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a
picture of a taxi. She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a
ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant
with a question mark and she nodded, so they went to dinner. After
dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to
several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious
evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and
drew a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded, and has never
be able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.
The passionate young thing was having a difficult time getting across what
she wanted from her rather dense boyfriend. Finally she asked,
"Would you like to see where I was operated on for appendicitis?"
"Gosh, no!" he replied. "I hate hospitals."
The penis mightier than the sword.
The pleasure is momentary,
The position ridiculous,
The expense damnable.
-- Chesterfield, on sex
The pleasure is transitory, the cost prohibitive, and the position ridiculous.
-- Disraeli, on sex
The plural of spouse is spice.
-- R. A. Heinlein
The police were investigating the mysterious death of a prominent
businessman who had jumped from a window of his 11th story office. His
voluptuous private secretary could offer no explanation for the action
but said that her boss had been acting peculiarly ever since she started
working for him a month ago.
"After my very first week on the job," she said, "I received a
twenty-dollar raise. At the end of the second week he called me into his
private office, gave me a lovely black nightie, five pairs of nylon
stockings and said, 'These are for a beautiful, efficient secretary.' At
the end of the third week he gave me a gorgeous mink stole. Then, this
afternoon, he called me into his private office again, presented me with
this fabulous diamond bracelet and asked me if I would consider making
love to him and what it would cost. I told him I would, and because he
had been so nice to me, he could have it for five dollars, although I was
charging all the other boys in the office ten dollars. That's when he
jumped out the window."
The problem with being best man at a wedding is that you never get a chance
to prove it.
The quality of a blow-job is determined by the length of sheet you have to
pull out of your ass.
The real problem with fucking a sheep is that you have to walk around
in front every time you want to kiss her.
The reason big companies have lots and lots of meetings is because
they can't masturbate.
The reason people sweat is so they won't catch fire when making love.
-- Don Rose
The reason that sex is so popular is that it's centrally located.
The requirements of romantic love are difficult to satisfy in the trunk
of a Dodge Dart.
-- Lisa Alther
The REVERSE function works on the opposite SEXPR.
The romantic young man sat on the park bench with a first date. He was
certain his charming words and manner would win her as they had many others.
"Some moon out tonight,"he cooed.
"There certainly is," she agreed.
"Some really bright stars in the sky."
"Some dew on the grass."
"Some do," she said indignantly, "but I'm not that sort."
The sergeant walked into the shower and caught me giving myself a dishonorable
discharge. Without missing a beat, I said...
"It's my dick and I can wash it as fast as I want!"
The sex act is the funniest thing on the face of this earth.
-- Diana Rigg
The sex was nice, but confusing. The whole situation kept going di-polar
on Sta-Hi. One instant Misty would seem like a lovely warm girl who'd
survived a terrible injury, like a lost puppy to be stroked, a lonely
woman to be husbanded. But then he'd start thinking of the wires behind
her eyes, and he'd be screwing a machine, an inanimate object, a public
toilet. Just like with any other woman for him, really.
-- Rudy Rucker, "Software"
The shy young man had been married for three months when he reported to his
doctor that his marriage was still in name only. The doctor, after hearing
the sad tale, told him that waiting until bedtime to make advances was causing
psychological pressure and advised him to take advantage of the next time he
felt in the mood. A week later, the doctor happened to meet the man again,
and noticed a new spring in his step. "My advice worked, I take it?" he
The young man grinned. "Perfectly. The other night, we were having
supper, and as I reached for the salt -- so did she! Our hands touched... It
was as if an electric current ran through us. I leaped to my feet, swept the
dishes from the table and then and there consummated our marriage! There's
just one problem, however. We can't go back to The Four Seasons again..."
The struggling for knowledge has a pleasure in it like that of wrestling
with a fine woman.
-- Lord Halifax
The Supreme Court does it with all deliberate speed.
The thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most
amount of trouble is sex.
[Obviously written by a man--if it's causing so much trouble,
*take* *more* *time*!]
The three faithful things in life are money, a dog and an old woman.
The three most important parts of a stove: lifter, leg, and poker.
The three sexual positions during preganancy.
During the first four months: Missionary style
During the second four months: Doggie style
And during the last month: Coyote style
You sit by the hole and howl.
The trouble with incest is that it gets you involved with relatives.
-- George S. Kaufman
The two couples were enjoying their vacation together at a resort hotel. They
were in the middle of a game of Scrabble in the lobby when a thunderstorm cut
off the hotel's electricity, leaving little to do but retire to their rooms.
Bill was a rather devout man, so before getting into bed with his companion,
he said his prayers. As he got under the covers, the lightning suddenly
flashed through the window and he discovered that he was in the wrong room.
He instantly jumped up and started to dash for the hallway. "It's too late,
called the girl from the bed, "my guy doesn't pray."
The two men feigned friendship but secretly hated each other's guts and took
great pleasure in giving one another the needle on any and all occasions.
This particular evening they met, quite by accident, at a popular bar.
The conversation started innocently enough; then one, with sudden inspiration,
ran his hand over the other's bald head and exclaimed,
"By God, Fred, that feels just like my wife's ass!"
The other ran his own hand over his head and nonchalantly retorted,
"Well, I'll be damned, Jim, so it does, so it does!"
The two things that you should never lend out are your car or your woman.
Someone's bound to throw a rod in either one.
The very proper spinster didn't go out very often, but she had some important
shopping to do that morning and so decided to have her lunch in what appeared
to be a nice quiet respectable restaurant. With the noontime crowd, many
customers shared their tables with strangers; the spinster selected a seat
next to an attractive, young office girl. The girl finished her sandwich and
coffee, then settled back and lit up a cigarette. The older woman controlled
herself for a few moments and then snapped,
"I'd rather commit adultery than smoke in public."
"So would I," said the girl, "but I only have half an hour for lunch."
The way my jeweler explained it, it's like insurance.
Six months' pay isn't much to keep my wife from sleeping around.
A diamond -- pure, sparkling, natural, flawless, forever. The way marriage
should be but never quite is. People grow and change and sometimes want to
take their clothes off with strangers. So when you invest in a fine piece
of diamond jewelry, you're not only making an investment, you're making a
statement. You're telling the woman you love that you've just spent a lot
of your hard-earned money on her. Now she owes you the kind of loyalty that
only precious jewelry can buy. Isn't she worth it?
The Honeymoon's Over: from $ 5000
The Seven Year Itch: from $10000
No More Lunchtime Quickies: from $15000
Divorce Would Be More Expensive: from $42000
A diamond is for leverage. BeDears
The way to a man's heart is through his wife's belly, and don't you forget it.
-- Edward Albee, "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?"
The woman hurried home from her doctor's appointment, devastated by the
medical report she had just received. When her husband came in from work,
she told him, "Darling, the doctor said I have only twelve more hours to
live. So I've decided I want to go to bed and make passionate love to you
throughout the night. How does that sound, dearest?"
"Hey, that's fine for ___you," replied the husband. "You don't have
to get up in the morning!"
The young girl was having a heart-to-heart talk with her mother on her
first visit home since starting college.
"Mom, I have to tell you," the girl confessed. "I lost my virginity
"I'm not suprised," said her mother. "It was bound to happen sooner
or later. I just hope it was a romantic and pleasurable experience."
"Well, yes and no," the pretty student remarked. "The first eight
guys felt great, but after them my pussy got real sore."
The young man took a blind date to the amusement park. They went
for a ride on the Ferris wheel. The ride completed, she seemed rather bored.
"What would you like to do next?" he asked.
"I wanna get weighed," she said. So he took her over to the weight
guesser. Next they rode the roller coaster. After that he bought her some
popcorn and cotton candy, then he asked what else she would like to do.
"I wanna get weighed," she said, bluntly.
I really latched onto a square one tonight, thought the boy, and
using the excuse that he had developed a headache, he took the girl home.
The girl's mother was surprised to see her home so early, and asked, "What's
wrong, dear, didn't you have a nice time tonight?"
"Wousy," said the girl.
The young stud walked into a bordello. After he took his clothes off, the
woman was puzzled to see him put a clothespin on his nose, stuff cotton in
his ears, and put a prophylactic on his penis.
"Hey," she asked, "what the hell are you doing?"
"Well, ma'am", replied the stud, "there are two things I just can't
stand. A screaming woman and the smell of burning rubber."
Then there was the girl who was engaged to a gymnast -- 'til he broke it off.
Then there was the guy that got badly messed up fighting for his girl's honor.
It seems she wanted to keep it.
Then there was the middle-aged businessman who took his spouse to Paris.
After traipsing with her from one mansion du couture to another, be begged
for a day off to rest and got it. With the wife gone shopping again, he
went to the Ritz Bar and picked up a luscious parisienne. They got on
well until the question of money came up. She wanted a hundred American
dollars; he offered fifty. They couldn't get together on the price; so
they didn't get together. That evening he escorted his wife to one of the
nicer restaurants on the Rue de Rivoli, and there he spotted his gorgeous
babe of the afternoon seated at a table near the door.
"See, monsieur?" she said as they passed her. "Look what you got
for your lousy fifty bucks."
There are a couple of things about her I greatly admire.
There are many ways to say "I love you", but fucking is the fastest.
There are so many people wanting a piece of my ass that some of them
are having to take turns.
There are two couples that want to convert to Catholicism. They go
and see a priest and he tells them that the first requirement is to abstain
from sex for thirty days.
Thirty days later, the couples come back to see the priest. He asks
the first couple if they passed the test.
"Father, we didn't so much as TOUCH one another during the last month.
"Congratulations," the priest replies, "you are now qualified to enter
the Church." Then, the priests asked the second couple how they did.
"Well, Father," the husband says, "everything was going just fine
until the 27th day. My wife bent over the freezer to get something out, and
I just happened to notice that she didn't have any panties on. I couldn't
stand it any more, so I walked over to her, dropped my pants, and slipped it
to her right there."
"That's DISGUSTING!", the priest bellows. "I can never let you into
the Church after something like that."
"I understand Father," the man replies sadly, "they won't let us
into Safeway anymore either."
There are two trees in the forest. They are very proud trees. One day
they notice a sapling half-way between them.
One tree proclaims, "That is a son of beech!"
"No, that is a son of a birch!" insists the other.
"A son of a BEECH!"
"A son of a BIRCH!"
"Son of a beech!"
"Son of a birch!"
The fighting attracts a woodpecker who informs them that he can tell what
kind of tree the sapling is by its taste. First he tastes the beech and
the birch. Then he tastes the sapling. "Well now, is that a son of a
beech or a son of a birch?" asks the beech.
"You're both wrong!" says the bird. "That's the best piece of ash
I've had my pecker in for a long time!"
There is a definite parallel between shots of tequila and a woman's breasts.
One is not enough and three are too many.
There is nothing as overrated as a bad lay, or as underrated as a great shit.
There is nothing wrong with screwing everyone in sight. Boring your friends
about it is the sin.
-- Mama Liz
There isn't room enough in this dress for both of us!
There was once a newly-married couple. Now these two lovers were, well,
rather uptight about using expressions such as "having sex", "getting it on",
or "boffing the brains out". So, they decided to use the euphemism, "doing
the laundry" whenever the topic of sex came up.
One evening, hubby said, "Well, honey, feel like doing some laundry
tonite?", and she consented. The next evening, hubby again asked, "Sweetie,
feel like doing some laundry tonite?" Well, wifey wasn't really in the mood,
but complied. On the third night, when hubby approached her, asking her to
participate in doing still MORE laundry, she replied, "Oh, Hon, I'm really not
in the mood for doing any laundry tonite."
Well, hubby, being a bit disappointed, locked himself in the bathroom
and engaged in a spot of self-abuse instead. Upon returning to the living
room, wifey said, "Well, Poopsie, I've changed my mind -- how about doing
some laundry?" To which he replied, "Oh, no, that's okay, I just did a small
There was something about her I liked, but I couldn't put my finger on it.
There will be sex after death, we just won't be able to feel it.
-- Lily Tomlin
There's a handsome boy who tells me how I've changed his past. He buys me
a brandy... Could it be he's really just after my ass?
-- Pete Townshend, "How Many Friends"
There's many a slurp t'wixt the tip and the zip.
There's nothing better than good sex. But bad sex? A peanut butter
and jelly sandwich is better than bad sex.
-- Billy Joel
There's nothing wrong with America that a good erection wouldn't cure.
-- David Mairowitz
These two project managers were walking through a residential area
one day, when they saw a dog (also male) sitting on a lawn, licking its
cock. (Why do dogs do that? Because they can). Anyway, the first manager
nudged the second and said, "Hey, look at that! That really looks like fun
-- I wish I could do that!"
Whereupon the second manager replied, "Well, I don't know... I tried
it once, and the damn dog bit me!"
They watched the sun slowly sink behind the hills, and the fiery glow on
the lake fade into darkness. He eyed her shadowy figure, accentuated by
the moonlight, as the tension from within began to fuel his animalistic
desires. She followed him, ever so quietly, as they sought a secluded
corner in the barn. Alone! At last. His hands roamed about her soft
back, around to her thighs, and finally caressed her budding nipples.
Oh, how smooth and succulent she was! "Was it so wrong?", he asked
himself. No, he thought, for his father had done it, as did his own
father, ad infinitum. The boiling, uncontrollable rage within him became
unbearable. She signalled her eagerness, spreading her legs, as he
grasped her nipples again. Stroking, again and again, longer each time.
It began coming; again, again, again, again. His mind raced with fear
"Will it stop?". Exhausted, he lay down beside her. "Dear God, what have
I done?". Suddenly, his father burst in. His eyes burned as he stared
for what seemed an eternity. Finally, his father spoke.
"Son, you ain't supposed to milk the damn cow till mornin'!"
This guy was screwing his neighbors wife when a car pulls into the drive.
"My husband!" she screams. He panics and jumps out the window. He finds
himself on the street, naked, under cloudy skies. There is no place to hide
except in a crowd of joggers. As he runs along, a woman looks over and says,
"Do you always jog in the nude?"
"Yes ma'am!" he replies.
"Does it always result in that kind of sexual excitement?" she asks.
"Yes ma'am!" he replies.
"Do you always wear a condom?"
"Only when it rains, lady. Only when it rains."
This is a test of the emergency cunnilingus system. If this had been an
actual emergency, you would have known it!
This system goes down more often than a two-dollar whore.
This time it's for love; next time it's $100.00.
Thou shalt not omit adultery.
Three gay guys were discussing what they thought their favorite sport would
be. The first decides on football, 'cause of all those gorgeous guys bending
over in their tight pants.
"Definitely wrestling," sighs the second guy. "Those skimpy little
costumes, and think of the holds."
"Definitely baseball," says the third guy. "Why? Well, I'd be
pitching with the bases loaded, the batter would hit a savage one-hopper
right to me, I'd catch it, and I'd just stand there while the other guys
rounded the bases. Meanwhile, the crowd would be going crazy, screaming,
`Throw the ball, you cocksucker!' and that's what I like -- recognition!"
Three minutes of serious sex and I need eight hours of sleep and
a bowl of Wheaties.
-- Richard Pryor
Three women always hang their laundry out in the backyard. When it rains,
however, the laundry always gets wet. All the laundry, that is, except
for Laurie's. Laurie never seems to have her laundry out when it rains.
So, one day, they are all out in the backyard putting their clothes
on the line when one of the women says to Laurie, "Laurie, how come when it
never rains when you have your laundry out?"
"Well," replies Laurie, "when I wake up in the morning, I check out
my husband Paul. If his penis is hanging over his right leg, I know it's
going to be a great day. If his penis is hanging over his left leg, I know
it might rain. I don't know why it works, but he's never been wrong!"
"Laurie, what if he has an erection?" asks the other woman.
"Honey, on a day like *that*, you don't do the *laundry."
Three young women were attending the same logic class given at one of the
better universities. During a lecture the professor stated that he was
going to test their ability at situation reasoning.
"Let us assume," said the prof, "that you are aboard a small craft
alone in the Pacific, and you spot a vessel approaching you with several
sex-starved sailors on board. What would you do in this situation to avoid
"I would attempt to turn my craft in the opposite direction and
flee," said the first girl.
"I would pass them, and hope that I could fend them off," responded
the second woman.
"Frankly," murmured the third woman, "I understand the situation,
but I fail to see the problem."
Through a major bureaucratic error, you are made county coroner.
You seriously consider the job because it gives you:
1: Lots of unclaimed wedding rings and watches.
2: Lots of gold fillings and bridges.
3: Free blood.
4: A constantly changing array of new friends who aren't at
all stuffy about what happens to their genitalia.
To a Real Woman, every ejaculation is premature.
To be the kind of girl designed to be kissed between the thighs.
To win a woman in the first place one must please her, then undress her, and
then somehow get her clothes back on her. Finally, so she will allow you
to leave her, you've got to annoy her.
-- Jean Giraudoux, "Amphitryon 38"
Tri Delts; everyone else has.
Two buddies had been out drinking for hours when their money finally
ran out. "I have an idea," croaked Al. "Lesh go over to my housh and borrow
shum money from my wife."
The two of them reeled into Al's living room, snapped on the light,
and lo and behold, there was Al's wife making love on the sofa to another man.
This state of affairs considerably unnerved Al's friend but didn't seem to
affect the husband.
"Shay, dear, you have any money for your ever-lovin' hushban'?" he
"Yes, yes," she snapped. "Take my purse from the mantle, and for
Pete's sake, turn off those lights."
Outside they examined the purse, and Al proudly announced, "There's
enough here for a pint for you and a pint for me. Pretty good, eh, old buddy?"
"But, Al," protested his friend, somewhat sobered by the spectacle
he'd just witnessed, "what about that fellow back there with your wife?"
"The hell with him," replied Al. "Let him buy his own pint."
Two longtime friends sipped Scotch in a local bar and talked about
their troubles. "And on top of everything else," said the first, "my wife
has cut me down to just once a week."
"That's too bad," agreed his friend, "but it could be worse. I know
two guys she's cut off altogether.
Two men were standing around talking while nearby a large German Shepherd
lay licking his balls. One man says to the other, "Damn, I wish I could
The other man replies, "Well, it's okay by me, but I think you
ought to get to know him a little first."
Two men, both close to retirement, are working on the assembly line. One
boasts to the other, "Last night I made love to my wife *three* times!"
"Three times!", replies his friend. "How did you do it?"
"Well," says the first man, "I made love to my wife and set the
alarm clock for two hours later. When it went off we made love again.
Then, I reset it for the morning and we made love once more before I came
to work. I feel like a bull!"
His friend says, "Well, that *is* fantastic! I'm going to have
to give it a try." So, he goes home that night and makes love to his
wife. Figuring he doesn't need to set the alarm clock, he settles off
to sleep. Waking up a few hours later, he nudges his wife and they make love
again. Waking up in the morning he makes love to his wife for the third
time. Looking over at the clock he realizes that he's twenty minutes late
for work. He throws on his clothes and runs down to the subway. When
he gets to the factory his boss is standing there waiting.
"Frank", he says, "I've been working for you for 18 years, and I've
never been late before. You've got to forgive me twenty minutes this once!"
"Well," replies his boss, "okay, but it's not the twenty minutes
that had me worried. Where were you Tuesday, where were you Wednesday..."
Two midgets arrived at the convent door and asked to speak with the Mother
Superior. Led into her office, the first one asked respectfully "Excuse
me, your holiness, but are there any midget nuns in this convent?"
Receiving a reply to the negative, he asked whether any midget
nuns were to be found in any of the neighboring parish. Again the reply
The tiny man scratched his head and posed a final question. "Beggin'
your pardon, Mother Superior, but would you know of *any* midget nuns at
all, anywhere?" The nun shook her head.
At which the first midget turned to the second midget, put his hand
on his shoulder, and said, "You see, I told you you fucked a penguin!"
Two nuns, a mother superior and a new nun, are walking home one night from
church when they are attacked by two vicious rapists. The two men drag the
nuns off into the bushes and proceed to have their way with them. The mother
superior is very afraid, but she knows that God will protect her. To show her
strength and trust in God she yells out "Forgive him Father, for he knows not
what he does!"
To which the young nun replies "Oooooh, mine does!!"
Two old men are walking down the boardwalk when one of them tells the other
that he has to leave, his wife is expecting him to come home and make love
The other man is astonished. "Make love to your wife? You're as old
as I am! Nearly eighty years old! What do you mean you have to go home and
make love to your wife?"
The first man smiles and says, "We have a *great* sex life. We make
love every day."
"You're kidding!" says his friend. "How do you do it?"
"Pumpernickel bread. That's the secret." And he dashes off home.
The other man starts to walk home. "Hmmm," he thinks to himself
pumpernickel bread. Well, it's worth a try." So he goes into a nearby
Going up to the woman at the counter, he asks for their entire stock
of pumpernickel bread. The woman stares at him in astonishment. "You want
all the pumpernickel bread we have? Are you sure? Don't you know that it
will get hard?"
"How come," demands the man, "everybody knows about this but me?"
Two women are talking; one says to the other, "Say, weren't you dating that
cute French horn player? What ever happened to him?"
"Well," replies her friend, we're still seeing each other, but,
I must admit, we've had some problems."
"Problems? What's wrong?"
"You see," says the second woman, "every time he kisses me, he
wants to shove his fist up my ass."
Two women were walking down the street, when one nudges the other and says,
"There's my husband coming out of the florist's with a dozen roses, damn it.
That means I'll have to keep my legs up in the air for three days."
Replies her friend, "Well, why don't you buy a vase?"
Two young men seated in a restaurant were watching a customer busily
disposing of a plate of oysters on the half shell. One of the young
men remarked to his friend,
"Did you ever hear that business about raw oysters being
good for a man's virility?"
"Yes, why?" the friend replied.
"Well, take it from me, that's a lot of foolishness. I ate a
dozen of them the other night, and only nine worked."
Unix programmers do it with pipes.
User friendly software searching for friendly Hardware to interface with.
Hardware may present itself in floppy format as software has capability to
upgrading same to full size firm. Size is not all that important; but byte
sized bandwith required -- header width is of more concern. Joystick should
be able to toggle in different speeds and for some duration. Software is
looking for system willing to perform intensive manipulation of keyboard as
well as preparing the mainframe and disk drives. Fingering of all files
permitted, and encouraged, before thrusting joystick into drive. Software
is programmed not to copy; there is no need for removing joystick before
completed execution of program. Program may be run several times per day...
especially if special features and options are utilized.
Vandalism On The Upswing!
Last night, windows were broken and graffiti was sprayed over the
front of the local sex shop, Le Sex Boutique, causing several hundred
dollars in damage. In a later anonymous phone call, the provisional
wing of the Salvation Army claimed responsibility.
Vegetarians for oral sex -- "The only meat that's fit to eat"
Vidi, vici, veni.
(I saw, I conquered, I came.)
We drove to the hotel and said goodbye. How hypocritical to go upstairs
with a man you don't want to fuck, leave the one you do sitting there alone,
and then, in a state of great excitement, fuck the one you don't want to
fuck while pretending he's the one you do. That's called fidelity. That's
called civilization and its discontents.
-- Erica Jong, "Fear of Flying"
We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands
-- Lily Tomlin
We may eventually come to realize that chastity is no more a virtue
-- Alex Comfort
We've all heard about the woman who married a Field Service engineer but
divorced him after one day because he'd done nothing on their wedding night
but promise to have it up in 15 minutes. What few people realize is that the
poor man was in the bathroom all night, masturbating furiously, muttering
"I just don't understand, it passes all the diagnostics!"
"We've got things well in hand."
-- Master Byte Software, Los Gatos California.
We've just recieved the results of a survey conducted to ascertain the
various reasons men get out of bed in the middle of the night. According
to the report, 2% are motivated by a desire to visit the bathroom, and
3% have an urge to raid the refrigerator. The other 95% get up to go home.
Welcome to Fortune Blackmail!!
Ms. Kat****** Bl****an is the mistress of a well-known
banker in Houston, Texas. That's $5000, please, to stop
us from revealing both of your names, Mr. L*****, so that
your wife Doreen, and your lovely children Diane, Janice
and Tom need never know the name of your mistress. You
have two days to reach us at:
Behind the hot water pipes,
Third stall from the end,
Greyhound Bus Terminal, Fayette MO.
Welcome to Fortune Blackmail!!
This is the first of a series of revelations which could
add up to a divorce, premature retirement and possible
criminal proceedings for a company vice-president in Langley Virginia.
So, Mr. S*****, $10,000 please to stop us from revealing:
1: Whose shoulders you were sitting on.
2: What you were doing.
3: The names of the three people involved.
4: The youth organization to which they belonged.
5: The shop where you bought the equipment.
Well, didja wake up grouchy or did you let her sleep?
Well, see, I was out with this chick last night, and we were in bed, and
she groaned to me, "Give me nine inches, and make it hurt!" So, I fucked
her twice and slapped her.
Well, see, Joyce, there we were, trapped in the elevator. Now, I had
my tennis racquet and the goldfish; she was holding the Crisco. Surely
you can imagine how one thing naturally led to another!
Well, you almost got it right. The only problem is, you're doing it exactly
backwards! Just reverse the motions you described and your partner will
experience an incredibly intense orgasm. One trouble with this technique,
though, is that it works so well. Believe me, word will get around about
your newfound prowess and you'll be inundated by prospective sexual partners.
So try to be discreet. I prefer maple syrup to pineapple/apricot lotion, but
that's a matter of personal preference. Also, I'd advise against the syrup,
or using honey, if you're outside, because the insects it attracts tend to
distract the quail. You can substitute crazy glue (but obviously not thumb
tacks!) for the masking tape, but only if you don't want to use the piano for
Were it not for imagination, sir, a man would be as happy in the arms
of a chambermaid as a duchess.
-- Dr. Johnson
What creatures of habit we are. This morning, without thinking, half asleep,
I put $100 on my pillow. That's not so bad, no one would worry about it, but
my wife, half asleep, without thinking, gave me $20 change.
What is a promiscuous person -- it's usually someone who is getting more
sex than you are.
-- Victor Lownes, quoted in "In and Out: Debrett 1980-81",
by N. Mackwood
What this department needs is a really good inflatable doll.
Whatever else can be said about sex, it cannot be called a dignified
-- Helen Lawrenson
Whatever happened to the good old days when sex was dirty and the air was clean?
Whatever you say about pornography, sex is here to stay.
When a girl admits she's had a checkered career, it's your move.
When better women are made, computer programmers will make them.
When Boy Scouts do it, it's intense.
When his company fell on hard times, the boss realized that he'd have to
lay off one of his two middle managers. As both Jack and Liz were equally
honest and dedicated to their jobs, he was unable to decide which one to
fire. To resolve his dilemma, the boss arbitrarily decided that the first
to leave his or her desk the next morning would be the one to get the ax.
The next morning found Liz at her desk, rubbing her temples. Asking
Jack for some aspirin, she headed for the water fountain and that's where
the boss caught up with her. "I've got some bad news for you, Liz," he said.
"I've got to lay you or Jack off."
"Jack off," she snapped. "I have a headache."
When I said "we", officer, I was referring to myself, the four young
ladies, and, of course, the goat.
When Snow White turns on with the dwarfs she probably winds up feeling Dopey.
When the naive young lady asked the clerk in Le Sex Shoppe to show her his
selection of vibrators, he brought out the two most popular ones.
"The basic white plastic one here is twenty dollars," the clerk said.
"The flesh-toned rubber models are thirty."
"I'm just not sure," the woman said, Then she noticed an eye-catching
item on the back shelf. "How much is that plaid one over there?
"Uh, well, that's a pretty special one," said the clerk. "I couldn't
sell you that one for less than a hundred."
"I'll take it."
Later that day, the store owner checked in to see how business was
going. "Great," the clerk told him. "This morning, I sold four white
vibrators and three flesh-toned ones. And, this afternoon, I got a hundred
bucks for my Thermos."
When the prick stands up, the brains get buried in the ground.
-- Old Jewish saying
[How come there aren't ever any "New Jewish sayings?" Ed.]
When the surgeon came to see her on the morning after her operation, the
young woman asked her somewhat hesitantly how long it would be before she
could resume her sex life. "I really haven't thought about it," gulped
the stunned surgeon. "You're the first patient who's asked me that after
When you see someone across the room and suddenly know for a fact
that he's the most wonderful man on earth, you've got instant lust on your
hands. Something about the way his tie is knotted is infinitely intriguing
to you, and the swell of his bicep causes inner turmoil. This is a happy
but fleeting state of affairs. Usually your feelings die about thirty
seconds after you get up the courage to ask him for the time, since almost
invariably he can't speak English, and if he can, he always says, "Why,
sure, little lady, it's eleven-thirty. Wanna get high?
Don't bother thinking that instant lust will turn into the real thing. It may,
but then you may also wake up one morning to find you're the Queen of Rumania.
-- Cynthia Hemiel, "Sex Tips for Girls"
Whenever someone tells you to "take it like a man" it usually means up your ass.
"Where'd she get those crow's feet?"
"You really want to know?"
"From squinting and screaming, 'Suck what!?'"
Which of the following doesn't belong?
d: A blowjob, because you can beat your meat, your eggs,
or your drum, but you just can't beat a blowjob.
While farmers generally allow one rooster for ten hens, ten men are
scarcely sufficient to service one woman.
While hunting, a man saw a beautiful nude woman come running out of
the woods and disappear across the clearing. Just as she got out of sight,
three men dressed in white uniforms came running out of the same woods.
"Hey, you," yelled one of them, "did you see a woman come by here?"
"Yes," replied the hunter. "What's the trouble?"
"She's an inmate of the county asylum, and gets loose every now and
then. We're trying to catch her."
"I can understand that," said the hunter, "But why is one of you
carrying a bucket of sand?"
"That's his handicap," said the spokesman, "he caught her last time."
While not actually a sailor, I certainly enjoy getting blown ashore.
While vacationing last summer in the North Woods, a young fellow thought it
might be a good idea to write his girl. He had brought no stationery with
him, however; so he had to walk into town for some. Entering the one and
only general store, he discovered that the clerk was a young, full-blown farm
girl with languorous eyes.
"Do you keep stationery?" he asked.
"Well," she giggled, "I do until the last few seconds, and then I
just go wild."
While visiting our country, a lovely French maiden found herself
out of money just as her visa expired. Unable to pay her passage back to
France, she was in despair until an enterprising sailor made her a sporting
proposition. "My ship is sailing tonight," he said. "I'll smuggle you
aboard, hide you down in the hold and provide you with a mattress, blankets
and food. All it will cost you is a little love."
The girl consented, and late that night the sailor sneaked her on
board his vessel. Twice each day thereafter, the sailor smuggled a large
tray of food below decks, took his pleasure with the little French stowaway
and departed. The days turned into weeks, and the weeks might have turned
into months if the captain hadn't noticed the sailor carrying food below one
evening and followed him. After witnessing this unique bit of barter, he
waited until the sailor had departed and then confronted the girl, demanding
an explanation. She told him the whole story.
"Hmmm," mused the captian. "A clever arrangement, and I must say I
admire that young seaman's ingenuity. However, miss, I feel it is only fair
to tell you that this is the Staten Island Ferry."
Whoever named it "necking" was a poor judge of anatomy.
-- Groucho Marx
"Why did you spend so much time parked in that fellow's car last
night?" demanded the irate mother. "I could hear the giggling and squealing
for a good half hour."
"But, Mom," answered her daughter, "if a fellow takes you to the
movies you ought to at least kiss him good night."
"I thought you went to the Stork Club?" countered the mother.
Why marry a virgin? If she wasn't good enough for the rest of them
then she isn't good enough for you.
Why, Good Morning! I'm the bluebird of fellatio!
With a bushel of apples, you can have a hell of a time with the doctor's wife.
With deep concern, if not alarm, Dick noted that his friend
Conrad was drunker than he'd ever seen him before. "What's the trouble,
buddy?", he asked, sliding onto the stool next to his friend.
"It's a woman, Dick," Conrad replied.
"I guessed that much. Tell me about it."
"I can't," Conrad said. But after a few more drinks his tongue
and resolution both seemed to weaken and, turning to his buddy, he said,
"Okay. It's your wife."
"What about her?"
Conrad pondered the question heavily, and draped his arm around
his pal. "Well, buddy-boy," he said, "I'm afraid she's cheating on us."
Women think of being a man as a gift. It is a duty. Even making love can
be a duty. A man has always got to get it up, and love isn't always enough.
-- Norman Mailer
Women Unite! Make *___him* sleep in the wet spot tonight!
Working here is like a pregnancy. After nine months you wish you hadn't come.
Writers do it between periods.
"Yeah, I used to be into necrophelia, bestiality and sadism, but then I
realized I was just flogging a dead horse."
"Yes, sir, the bowling ball nipple rings in black. Will there
be anything else?"
You are a tower of strength in the office, but only so-so in bed.
You are loved by the multitudes. Have you been to the clinic lately?
You better believe that marijuana can cause castration. Just suppose
your girlfriend gets the munchies!
"You can beat my meat, but you can't lick my sauce!"
-- Boss' Ribs, Portland, Oregon
You can get used to living at a nudist camp. The first three days are the
-- R. Dreiser
You come out of a woman and you spend the rest of your life trying to
get back inside.
-- Heathcote Williams
You might get caught holding the bag. Say she's your sister.
You pedophiliac sodomizer of ducklings!!
You see, this girl wakes up one morning, rolls over and sees an
elephant in the bed with her. Almost in shock, she says, "Did I pick you
up in the bar last night?"
"Uh-huh," the elephant replies.
"Did I bring you home?"
"Did we, uh, fool around?"
"Lord, I must have been tight!"
"Not any more."
Your first husband was the one you married while firmly believing that
there are more important things in life than great sex.
Humor in the Court:
Q. How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?
A. Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney,
and said he was really good.
Q: Why are Unix emulators like your right hand?
A: They're just pussy substitutes!
As seen on http://features.slashdot.org/comments.pl?sid=34216&cid=3701804
discussing anti-virus software:
> Also, Your list of things not to do to catch a virus reminds me like
> avoiding pregnancy via the 'pull out' method. Sure it might improve
> your chances, but it won't 'protect' you in any real sense.
I think this is a bad analogy. His list reminds me of avoiding pregnancy
via the "if it looks like a vagina, don't put your penis in it" method,
which is significantly more effective.
Cryo-necro-bestial-sodomy? You can do that at the grocery store.
-- Anonymous UCSD Physics Ph.D. candidate.