File: pets

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A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
		-- Ogden Nash
%
	A little dog goes into a saloon in the Wild West, and beckons to
the bartender.  "Hey, bartender, gimme a whiskey."
	The bartender ignores him.
	"Hey bartender, gimme a whiskey!"
	Still ignored.
	"HEY BARMAN!!  GIMME A WHISKEY!!"
	The bartender takes out his six-shooter and shoots the dog in the
leg, and the dog runs out the saloon, howling in pain.
	Three years later, the wee dog appears again, wearing boots,
jeans, chaps, a Stetson, gun belt, and guns.  He ambles slowly into the
saloon, goes up to the bar, leans over it, and says to the bartender,
"I'm here t'git the man that shot muh paw."
%
About the only thing on a farm that has an easy time is the dog.
%
All intelligent species own cats.
%
Any Member introducing or causing to be introduced a dog into the Society's
premises shall be liable to a fine of £5 inflicted by the Treasurer. Any animal
leading a blind person shall be deemed to be a cat. Any animal entering on
Police business shall be deemed to be a wombat.
		-- Rule 51, Oxford Union Society
%
Anyone who considers protocol unimportant has never dealt with a cat.
		-- R. Heinlein
%
	"Anything else you wish to draw to my attention, Mr. Holmes ?"
	"The curious incident of the stable dog in the nighttime."
	"But the dog did nothing in the nighttime."
	"That was the curious incident."
		-- A. Conan Doyle, "Silver Blaze"
%
Auribus teneo lupum.
	[I hold a wolf by the ears.]
	[Boy, it *sounds* good.  But what does it *mean*?]
%
Breeding rabbits is a hare raising experience.
%
Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a function.
		-- Garrison Keillor
%
Cats are smarter than dogs.  You can't make eight cats pull a sled through
the snow.
%
Cats, no less liquid than their shadows, offer no angles to the wind.
%
Chihuahuas drive me crazy.  I can't stand anything that shivers when it's warm.
%
"Contrary to popular belief, penguins are not the salvation of modern
technology.  Neither do they throw parties for the urban proletariat."
%
Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in?  I think
that's how dogs spend their lives.
		-- Sue Murphy
%
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
%
Dogs just don't seem to be able to tell the difference between important people
and the rest of us.
%
Everyone *knows* cats are on a higher level of existence.  These silly humans
are just to big-headed to admit their inferiority.
	Just think what a nicer world this would be if it were controlled by
cats.
	You wouldn't see cats having waste disposal problems.
	They're neat.
	They don't have sexual hangups.  A cat gets horny, it does something
about it.
	They keep reasonable hours.  You *never* see a cat up before noon.
	They know how to relax.  Ever heard of a cat with an ulcer?
	What are the chances of a cat starting a nuclear war?  Pretty neglible.
It's not that they can't, they just know that there are much better things to
do with ones time.  Like lie in the sun and sleep.  Or go exploring the world.
%
For a man to truly understand rejection, he must first be ignored by a cat.
%
Hi!  You have reached 555-0129. None of us are here to answer the phone and
the cat doesn't have opposing thumbs, so his messages are illegible.  Please
leave your name and message after the beep...
%
I loathe people who keep dogs.  They are cowards who haven't got the guts
to bite people themselves.
		-- August Strindberg
%
I love dogs, but I hate Chihuahuas.  A Chihuahua isn't a dog.  It's a rat
with a thyroid problem.
%
If a can of Alpo costs 38 cents, would it cost $2.50 in Dog Dollars?
%
If anyone has seen my dog, please contact me at x2883 as soon as possible.
We're offering a substantial reward.  He's a sable collie, with three legs,
blind in his left eye, is missing part of his right ear and the tip of his
tail.  He's been recently fixed.  Answers to "Lucky".
%
If you are a police dog, where's your badge?
		-- Question James Thurber used to drive his German Shepherd
		   crazy.
%
"If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do:  Pour a little
Lavoris in the toilet."
		-- Jay Leno
%
If you have received a letter inviting you to speak at the dedication of a
new cat hospital, and you hate cats, your reply, declining the invitation,
does not necessarily have to cover the full range of your emotions.  You must
make it clear that you will not attend, but you do not have to let fly at cats.
The writer of the letter asked a civil question; attack cats, then, only if
you can do so with good humor, good taste, and in such a way that your answer
will be courteous as well as responsive.  Since you are out of sympathy with
cats, you may quite properly give this as a reason for not appearing at the
dedication ceremonies of a cat hospital.  But bear in mind that your opinion
of cats was not sought, only your services as a speaker.  Try to keep things
straight.
		-- Strunk and White, "The Elements of Style"
%
In the eyes of my dog, I'm a man.
		-- Martin Mull
%
It is not a good omen when goldfish commit suicide.
%
It was Penguin lust... at its ugliest.
%
It's no use crying over spilt milk -- it only makes it salty for the cat.
%
Lost: gray and white female cat.  Answers to electric can opener.
%
Never try to outstubborn a cat.
		-- Lazarus Long, "Time Enough for Love"
%
No animal should ever jump on the dining room furniture unless
absolutely certain he can hold his own in conversation.
		-- Fran Lebowitz
%
No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.
%
PENGUINICITY!!
%
Raising pet electric eels is gaining a lot of current popularity.
%
"Shelter," what a nice name for for a place where you polish your cat.
%
Some books are to be tasted, others to be swallowed, and some few to be
chewed and digested.
		-- Francis Bacon
	[As anyone who has ever owned a puppy already knows.  Ed.]
%
Sometimes when I get up in the morning, I feel very peculiar.  I feel
like I've just got to bite a cat!  I feel like if I don't bite a cat
before sundown, I'll go crazy!  But then I just take a deep breath and
forget about it.  That's what is known as real maturity.
		-- Snoopy
%
Speaking of purchasing a dog, never buy a watchdog that's on sale.
After all, everyone knows a bargain dog never bites!
%
The difference between dogs and cats is that dogs come when they're
called.  Cats take a message and get back to you.
%
The main problem I have with cats is, they're not dogs.
		-- Kevin Cowherd
%
The only time a dog gets complimented is when he doesn't do anything.
		-- C. Schulz
%
There are many intelligent species in the universe, and they all own cats.
%
There's no use in having a dog and doing your own barking.
%
To err is human,
To purr feline.
		-- Robert Byrne
%
When man calls an animal "vicious", he usually means that it will attempt
to defend itself when he tries to kill it.
%
When the fog came in on little cat feet last night, it left these little
muddy paw prints on the hood of my car.
%
Who loves me will also love my dog.
		-- John Donne
%
With a rubber duck, one's never alone.
		-- "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy"
%
It's always sad when the fleas leave, because that means your dog is dead.
		-- Wesley T. Williams
%