.\" -------
.\" Message-ID: <S48e.386a@looking.on.ca>
.\" Date: Mon, 26 Oct 92 4:30:03 EST
.\" Newsgroups: rec.humor.funny
.\" Subject: condom(1) man page (original)...
.\" From: maupin@cs.washington.edu (Ken Maupin)
.\" Keywords: chuckle, original, computers, sexual
.\" Approved: funny@clarinet.com
.\"
.\" The following was inspired by the sex.1 and celibacy.6 EUNUCH
.\" man pages I found hiding in, of all places, the GNU Emacs
.\" distribution on my machine (I guess we know what Richard Stallman
.\" thinks about when he isn't writing GNU software, eh?).
.\" -------
.\" Reverse-engineered to [nt]roff -man source by DaviD W. Sanderson
.\" -------
.TH CONDOM 1 "" "EUNUCH Programmer's Manual"
.SH NAME
condom \- protection against viruses and prevention of child processes
.SH SYNOPSIS
.B condom
.RI [ options ]
.RI [ processid ]
.SH DESCRIPTION
.I condom
provides protection against System Transmitted
Viruses (STVs) that may invade your system.
Although the spread of such viruses across a network
can only be abated by aware and cautious users,
.I condom
is the only highly effective means of preventing
viruses from entering your system (see
.IR celibacy (1)).
Any data passed to
.I condom
by the protected process will be blocked, as specified by
the value of the
.B \-s
option (see
.B OPTIONS
below).
.I condom
is known to
defend against the following viruses and other malicious
afflictions:
.RS
.IP \(bu
AIDS
.PD 0
.IP \(bu
Herpes Simplex (genital varieties)
.IP \(bu
Syphilis
.IP \(bu
Crabs
.IP \(bu
Genital warts
.IP \(bu
Gonhorrea
.IP \(bu
Chlamydia
.IP \(bu
Michelangelo
.IP \(bu
Jerusalem
.PD
.RE
.PP
When used alone or in conjunction with
.IR pill (1),
.IR sponge (1),
.IR foam (1),
and/or
.IR setiud (3),
.I condom
also prevents the conception of a child process.
If invoked from within a synchronous process,
.I condom
has, by default, an 80% chance of preventing the external processes
from becoming parent processes (see the
.B \-s
option below).
When other process contraceptives are used,
the chance of preventing a child process from being forked
becomes much greater.
See
.IR pill (1),
.IR sponge (1),
.IR foam (1),
and
.IR setiud (3)
for more information.
.PP
If no options are given, the current user's login process (as
determined by the environment variable USER) is protected with a
Trojan rough-cut latex condom without a reservoir tip.
The optional
.RI `` processid ''
argument is an integer specifying the process to protect.
.PP
NOTE:
.I condom
may only be used with a hard disk.
.I condom
will terminate abnormally with exit code \-1 if used with a floppy
disk (see
.B DIAGNOSTICS
below).
.ne 5
.SH OPTIONS
The following options may be given to
.IR condom :
.TP
.BI \-b " brand"
.IR brand s
are as follows:
.RS 1i
.TP
trojan (default)
.PD 0
.TP
ramses
.TP
sheik
.TP
goldcoin
.TP
fourex
.PD
.RE
.TP
.BI \-m " material"
The valid
.IR material s
are:
.RS 1i
.TP
.PD 0
latex (default)
.TP
saranwrap
.TP
membrane
.B WARNING!
The membrane option is
.I not
endorsed by the System Administrator General as an
effective barrier against certain viruses.
It is supported only for the sake of tradition.
.PD
.RE
.TP
.BI \-f " flavor"
The following
.IR flavor s
are currently supported:
.RS 1i
.TP
.PD 0
plain (default)
.TP
apple
.TP
banana
.TP
cherry
.TP
cinnamon
.TP
licorice
.TP
orange
.TP
peppermint
.TP
raspberry
.TP
spearmint
.TP
strawberry
.PD
.RE
.TP
.B \-r
Toggle reservoir tip (default is no reservoir tip)
.TP
.BI \-s " strength"
.I strength
is an integer between 20 and 100 specifying the resilience of
.I condom
against data passed to
.I condom
by the protected process.
Using a larger
value of
.I strength
increases
.IR condom 's
protective abilities,
but also reduces interprocess communication.
A smaller value of
.I strength
increases interprocess communication,
but also increases the likelihood of a security breach.
An extremely vigorous process or
one passing an enormous amount of data to
.I condom
will increase the chance of
.IR condom 's
failure.
The default
.I strength
is 80%.
.ne 8
.TP
.BI \-t " texture"
Valid
.IR texture s
are:
.RS 1i
.TP
.PD 0
rough (default)
.TP
ribbed
.TP
bumps
.TP
lubricated
(provides smoother interaction between processes)
.PD
.RE
.PP
WARNING: The use of an external application to
.I condom
in order to reduce friction between processes has been proven in
benchmark tests to decrease
.IR condom 's
strength factor!
If execution speed is important to your process, use the
.RB `` \-t
.BR lubricated ''
option.
.SH DIAGNOSTICS
.I condom
terminates with one of the following exit codes:
.TP
\-1
An attempt was made to use
.I condom
on a floppy disk.
.TP
0
.I condom
exited successfully (no data was passed to the synchronous process).
.TP
1
.I condom
failed and data was allowed through.
The danger of transmission of an STV or the forking of a child process
is inversely proportional to the number of other protections employed
and is directly proportional to the ages of the processes involved.
.SH BUGS
.I condom
is
.B NOT
100% effective at preventing a child process
from being forked or at deterring the invasion of a virus (although
the System Administrator General has deemed that
.I condom
is the most
effective means of preventing the spread of system transmitted
viruses).
See
.IR celibacy (1)
for information on a 100% effective program
for preventing these problems.
.PP
Remember, the use of
.IR sex (1)
and other related routines
should only occur between mature, consenting processes.
If you must use
.IR sex (1),
please employ
.I condom
to protect your process and your synchronous process.
If we are all responsible, we can stop the spread of STVs.
.SH "AUTHORS and HISTORY"
The original version of
.I condom
was released in Roman times and was only marginally effective.
With the advent of modern technology,
.I condom
now supports many more options and is much more effective.
.PP
The current release of
.I condom
was written by Ken Maupin at the University of Washington
(maupin@cs.washington.edu) and was last updated on 10/7/92.
.SH "SEE ALSO"
.IR celibacy (1),
.IR sex (1),
.IR pill (1),
.IR sponge (1),
.IR foam (1),
and
.IR setiud (3)