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<title>Linux Humor LG #45</title>
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<H4>
"Linux Gazette...<I>making Linux just a little more fun!</I>"
</H4>
<P> <HR> <P>
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<center>
<H1><font color="maroon">Linux Humor</font></H1>
<H4>By <a href="mailto:gazette@ssc.com">Mike Orr</a></H4>
</center>
<P> <HR> <P>
<P> This is the first in a series of Linux-related humor which will be
published whenever I have material. If you know a Linux joke you'd
like to contribute for this column, e-mail it to
<A HREF=mailto:gazette@ssc.com>gazette@ssc.com</A>.
<P> Contents:<BR>
[ <A HREF="#airlines">If Operating Systems Ran The Airlines</A> ]
[ <A HREF="#torvalds">Linus Torvalds entry in <EM>Encyclopedia
Galactica</EM></A> ]
<P>
<A NAME=airlines></A><HR> <!-- ***************************************** -->
<H1 ALIGN=center>If Operating Systems Ran The Airlines</H1>
<FONT SIZE=-1><EM>Different versions of this joke have been floating around the
net for the past couple years, but I found this one especially hilarious. It
was found by
<A HREF=brucek@pacifier.com>Bruce Kingsland</A>.
The original author is unknown.</EM></FONT>
<P>
<H4>UNIX Airways</H4>
<P> Everyone brings one piece of the plane along when they come
to the airport. They all go out on the runway and put the
plane together piece by piece, arguing non-stop about what
kind of plane they are supposed to be building.
<H4>Air DOS</H4>
<P> Everybody pushes the airplane until it glides, then they jump
on and let the plane coast until it hits the ground again.
Then they push again, jump on again, and so on ...
<H4>Mac Airlines</H4>
<P> All the stewards, captains, baggage handlers, and ticket agents
look and act exactly the same. Every time you ask questions
about details, you are gently but firmly told that you don't
need to know, don't want to know, and everything will be done
for you without your ever having to know, so just shut up.
<H4>Windows Air</H4>
<P> The terminal is pretty and colorful, with friendly stewards,
easy baggage check and boarding, and a smooth take-off. After
about 10 minutes in the air, the plane explodes with no warning
whatsoever.
<H4>Windows NT Air</H4>
<P> Just like Windows Air, but costs more, uses much bigger planes,
and takes out all the other aircraft within a 40-mile radius
when it explodes.
<H4>Linux Air</H4>
<P> Disgruntled employees of all the other OS airlines decide to
start their own airline. They build the planes, ticket counters,
and pave the runways themselves. They charge a small fee to
cover the cost of printing the ticket, but you can also download
and print the ticket yourself. When you board the plane, you
are given a seat, four bolts, a wrench and a copy of the
Seat-HOWTO.html. Once settled, the fully adjustable seat is
very comfortable, the plan leaves and arrives on time without
a single problem, the in-flight meal is wonderful. You try to
tell customers of the other airlines about the great trip, but
all they can say is, "You had to do what with the seat?"
<P>
<A NAME=torvalds></A><HR> <!-- ************************************** -->
<H1 ALIGN=center>Linus Torvalds entry in <EM>Encyclopedia Galactica</EM></H1>
<FONT SIZE=-1><EM>
The following was sent to the </EM>Linux Journal<EM> Editor by an anonymous
contributor.
</EM></FONT>
<P>
<STRONG>Torvalds, Linus-</STRONG>
... historians generally agree was an actual
person and completed a large portion of the programming used to
develop the positronic brain sometime before the earliest
recorded history. A number of programs have been copied from
active positronic memory and have been proven to be based on the
galactic standard programming language VM (vit-min) C. The memory
patterns include references to the genetic programmer Linus (la-news)
Pauling and have revealed where Torvalds named the earliest
cores of the positronic brain for the VM C language. Torvalds
is universally regarded by historians as the greatest linguist
of the core development project. Torvalds was known to have
mastered all of the known languages of the time while working in
an advanced development laboratory called the Swiss (s-weex) Patent Office
of Pari (par-ee) and selected the VM C core in preference to the previous
Finn language from predecessors Norway (Turbo-C) and Sweden (ANSI-C).
Torvald's mastery of the language in the VM C core is regarded
galaxy wide as the reason for the estimated 100,000 year uptime
for the original positronic brains. The X Law of Robotics
burned into all positronic brains has been found still undecoded in
currently functioning examples of the oldest
portion of the memory used by the LinuX kerning (coy-nah).
Historians are unanimous in identifying Torvalds as the
most ingenious programmer in galactic history.
<DIV ALIGN=right><CITE>--Encyclopedia Galactica</CITE><SUP>1</SUP></DIV>
<P>
<FONT SIZE=-1><SUP>1</SUP> Allusion to Isaac Asimov's <EM>Foundation</EM>
Series.</FONT>
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<P> <hr> <P>
<center><H5>Copyright © 1999, Mike Orr <BR>
Published in Issue 45 of <i>Linux Gazette</i>, September 1999</H5></center>
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